Greetings! Over these past few weeks I’ve often wondered: “Have they missed me since I’ve been gone?” Will my strongest supporters simply move on and attach themselves to any of the other talented Razzball writers, or will they mourn me by drinking and drugging themselves for the remainder of their miserable lives, slowly killing themselves in the memory of the Lord? What I can tell you is that I’ve spent the past couple weeks in the crater of Mt. Vesuvius, smoking mass quantities of peyote and drinking absinthe by the boatload, conversing with the Elder Gods about my future and what has been foreseen. The good news, you ask? My dream of my writing career surpassing my great many thong modeling accomplishments looks like a given, but the bad news, my goodmen, oh hohoho, you mustn’t never find out for only the scurviest of bottom feeders could possibly have the wherewithal to comprehend what I must do. They’ve rarely been wrong in their predictions for my life in the past. I mean, they did predict I would finish second overall in the FantasyPros rankings a few weeks back AND they informed me that some crazy hood rat would come out the woodwork, saying I owe her 500 dollars for blowing out the back of the gal watching her home while she was out of town. This gutter ferret had the gaul to threaten me on Facebook. ME! The Lord! My judgement shall be swift and merciless, and her destiny of bobbing for worm-infested apples, surrounded by diseased swine in the dank dungeon of House Beddict. Just because I put a dime piece in the perfect flex on her cheap ass bed certainly doesn’t mean that I broke and it certainly does not mean the Lord will throw some gold coins at her to shut her hole. Peasantry.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Players the Lord believes will grant us supremacy in Week 9:
Colin Kaepernick – The Saints are 21st in pass defense and haven given up 4.3 YPC and 12 TDs on the ground. This is truly one of the worst defenses I’ve ever witnessed in all my days and I am guaranteeing a top ten performance from Kaep, as he’s had a bye week to fully round himself into form and get a firmer grasp of the offense. A one-armed mother of four could roll off her water bed and put up double digit fantasy points against these wanksters. 200-plus yards passing and 80-plus on the ground. Chalk it.
Josh McCown – Why would McCown be ranked so low this week by my fellow experts? Is anyone truly afraid of this overachieving Dallas defense? Have we not witnessed McCown, time and time again put up top-15 fantasy numbers on the rare occasions he doesn’t get carted to the locker room after being beaten like a pinata on dia de las muertas. This, my goodmen, will be one of those days as this Cowboys defense is now missing two of their top three defensive backs and have no pass rush to speak of. The Browns are hungry for a win and I say they shock the world. Anything is possible. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!
Devontae Booker – Oakland is giving up 4.8 yards per carry, and in what I expect to be a game controlled by Denver’s ferocious defense, this has the ingredients of a record breaking performance. Cook it up, cook it up, cook it uuuuuuuup! Join me in C-walking on your opponent’s ashes this week.
Charcandrick West – With Charles going to IR, Ware getting his dome crunched and nursing a concussion, and with Knile Davis’s face last seen on a milk carton, West is bound to touch the ball 20-plus times this weekend, meaning 100-plus total yards and a touchdown is basically a given. I wouldn’t lie to you. You remember my last post when I told you Aaron Rodgers was still the best QB in football when people were saying he fell off? I never toot my own horn but some of this stuff is beyond elementary, my dears.
Terrelle Pryor – I believe I mentioned that the Cowboys are missing two extremely important pieces of their secondary right now, and I believe I’ve had Pryor ranked higher every week than almost anyone else and he just keeps producing. Not counting that week, he was plagued with the hammy strain of course, but who’s counting…? Errrrr. Anyway, after having his hamstrings massaged with warm milk three times a day for the past couple weeks, TP for my bunghole is ready to scorch earth, MFers!
Jordy Nelson & Davantae Adams & Randall Cobb – The Colts and their 31st ranked pass defense are coming to town and the Packers have no running backs worth the fleas on bull’s dick, so guess what that means? It means A-Rod is about to go William Wallace on these peons. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor! Everyone loves a good slaughter.
Austin Hooper – Thank the Gods, for Jacob Tamme’s fruit of the loom wearing, lame ass is injured this week, so now we get our first full look at the star rookie going against a Tampa defense giving up 275 yards per game in the air. And when it comes to playing match-ups with our fantasy tight ends, you have to love utter defensive incompetence. In the dome, this can and will get uglier than Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear pile after month-long fast food binge. Sounds like something our next president, Donald Trump would say. I believe Jay has been working on his campaign so that’d be super cool if he got him on the Podcast.
Players the Lord believes will disappoint in Week 9:
Tyrod Taylor – Part of me wishes I was attending this game in my Tygod jersey, but unfortunately, I’ll be out of town for a wedding where I will be attempting to lay pipe. When I say attempting I mean most definitely dropping atom bomb “D” upon some very lucky woman/women, and when I say I wish I was attending this game, I mean that I’m glad I’m not because there is absolutely ZERO chance the Bills put up more than 10 points this week. To be factual with ya’ll, the Bills have the worst receiving core in the NFL right now, and it’s not even remotely close. I’ll wait here for a few minutes while you attempt to name an inferior group. I haven’t felt this badly for someone since both Christian Slater and Nicolas Cage were blackballed from Hollywood. Pray for the God.
Derek Carr – The Broncos have what, in my opinion, is a top-ten all-time secondary to go along with a fearsome pass rush, meaning that Carr will more than likely have his worst game of the season. Simple Simon shizz.
DeAndre Washington – This is more just a shot at all the “experts” who claimed this guy would overtake Latavius as the starting running back this year and be fantasy relevant. This is actually a game where he could be used quite a bit taking advantage of the Broncos linebackers attempting to cover him, but, still, he’s been nothing close to usable, not even when Murray missed multiple weeks. So, yeah, shout out all those guys talking out their a*s.
Frank Gore – Green Bay has the number one rushing defense in the NFL, is going to score a ton of points, and Gore is 43 years young. And there you have it.
Tyler Lockett – Another player who I think has a shot at a decent week but has been one of the larger disappointments in fantasy football this season. I remember some writer predicting 1,300 yards this season. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO. C’mon son! Droppable in all formats.
Robert Woods – If Woods straps on a pair of nuts and plays football this Monday, he’ll still be on total lockdown by the Seahawks defensive backs. Being that he’s the only wideout on the team that could possibly be considered even slightly below average, one would have thought he’d produce the past few years with Sammy Watkins missing insane amounts of time, and one would be wrong. This former USC legend has somehow gotten worse every year in the league. It’s actually pretty impressive if you think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about Robert Woods. Ever. Like, ever again.
Richard Rodgers – At one point in time we all believed Rodgers would put up numbers playing in the Packers air raid offense but, frankly, he’s simply not athletic enough to get open and Green Bay will be replacing him this next offseason. It’s almost impossible for a tight end to be this worthless in an offense of this caliber. ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE! I completely forgot about his existence until looking for a tight end I didn’t like this week. I don’t like shaming grown men in writing, but you’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. I am beyond ecstatic to be back and cannot wait for your usual feedback in the comment section below. Good luck to you this week and let’s chat later!