Greetings! As we speak, I’m rectally inhaling MDMA in order to get through this post without breaking down into hysteria over my rankings from last week. To those of you I’ve wounded, I give my sincerest apologies. And to those of you I helped…anyone? ANYONE? Never mind. You’ve got to be realistic about these things. Anyway, I absolutely adore that beautiful-minded Eli Manning this week. He gets a Saints defense that just got bent over a barrel and shown all 50 states by the Las Vegas Raiders, and, oh, by the way, they just lost their best corner. Say one thing for the New Orleans Saints, I have absolutely no freaking clue on who the next man up is. I suppose that’s not surprising, considering I was unaware that this nobody who was injured was their best DB. That’s right ya’ll, the Saints defense is thinner than Giraffe schlong, and I, for one, plan on taking full advantage of it. Doubt me if you dare, for the last occurrence where I was doubted, I ended up with my chiseled glutes spread with my cousin’s tongue between them. She was a second cousin and not by blood. [Jay’s Note: Wait, what?]
I am Lord Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!
Players the Lord believes will Delight in Week 2
Case Keenum – Just kidding.
David Johnson – My number one RB for the week is David Johnson, and though this may not be a revelation of Elder Godlical proportions, I expect David “Big” Johnson to HAM and deviled eggs on this soft Buccaneers defense. Fully, maaaaaaan. Yes, I realize the Falcons didn’t exactly run wild on this once proud (VERY briefly) franchise, but that just may have something to do with the fact they were trailing heavily for the entirety of the matchup. The one thing fantasy footballers were afraid of, Johnson splitting time with the other running backs, now resides with Christian Slater, Tim Couch, and Joey Gladstone in a land of memories so forgotten the only way to bring them back up is through acid trip. Pay the price for Johnson in DFS for he shall be worth every red cent. Witness!
C.J. Anderson – Anyone catch that Colts game last week…? Anyone notice that SOMEHOW, no matter how ludicrous this may sound, that defense is more horrific than every before. I, for one, did not realize that was possible, but I suppose when you let your most consistent defender, Freeman, walk in free agency, spend NO MONEY on defense, your best defensive back is injured, and you have ZERO young talent on defense other than Henry Anderson, who by the way is also hurt, you’re gonna be softer than Roseanne’s son on that side of the ball. Ceej averaged 4.6 on the ground and caught 4 balls for 47 yards against the intimidating front seven of the NFC champion Panthers. What do you think he’ll do to these puff pastries? Damage of epic proportions is what. Heed my words.
T.J. Yeldon – Teej averaged a peasant like 1.7 YPC against the Pack attack last week, but guess what, my goodmen, Chris Ivory is more than likely going to miss another game due to an undisclosed illness and the Jags get the hapless Chargers, who Spencer Ware just got buck nasty on. Yeldon had a nice day catching the ball last Sunday, so exposing this pathetic defense shouldn’t be a problem. Seriously, they made Spencer Ware look like a cross between Natrone Means and Bo Jackson. If I said anymore, I’d be rambling.
Shane Vereen – Considering Rashad Jennings is more used up than Kardashian cooter, and the fact that this should be a high scoring affair, Vereen is an under the radar play, even in standard leagues this week.
Alshon Jeffery – The Eagles are already thinner than Ralph Lifshitz’s dong at corner and McCelvin may not play, meaning that Jeffery should be able to go over a hundo with at least one score, no problemo. I’d bet my chicken’s life upon it.
Dwayne Allen – Dwaaazy is one of my main bounce back players of the year and I loved watching him undress the Lions secondary like it was a Hilton sister at a VH1 award show afterparty. And if Luck is to find any holes in this Broncos defense, I believe in my blackened heart, that it will be against the Broncos safeties and linebackers in coverage on Allen. He’s got a Kirstie Alley-type body, giving him the ability to box out smaller and weaker players when going for contested balls.
Players the Lord believes will Disgrace in Week 2
Tyrod Taylor – Yup, yuppers, the Lord is officially off the wagon, and I’m not talking cocaine (Though, that’s also back on). To no fault of Tygod’s, I might add, but off nonetheless. The Bills offense simply has less options than a white guy at a Kardashian pool party when Sammy Watkins is below 70 percent out on the field. Robert Woods has somehow regressed every single season in the league, and Charles Clay represents arguably the worst contract in football. Taylor had absolutely NOWHERE to throw the ball last week and I’m scared for his life this week against that fearsome Jets front. I’d say there’s a 40 percent chance he gets injured this week and misses multiple games.
Russell Wilson – An injured ankle and a nasty Rams front seven that always gives Seattle fits, keeps Russ the Elder Blessed out of my top ten quarterbacks this week. His running ability will obviously be hindered and I expect an extremely low scoring game, so probably not the best week to start the man who made Ciara relevant again. Sorry, Future, it wasn’t you. By the way, how incredible is it that Future is so insanely popular. I can hardly recite any of his lyrics yet I can’t deny the catchiness to his music. Wilson still has three inches on him though, and that’s gotta hurt.
Frank Gore – Being old, not very good and slow isn’t a good combination for facing the league’s nastiest defense, the Denver Broncos. One must be realistic about these things. If only Jim Irsay could put down the pipe for a few days to fire this general manager and coach, we’d be good to go.
LeSean McCoy – Nothing about this matchup with the Jets intrigues me other than the fact there’s a solid chance Shady, Tyrod, and Watkins all miss half the season after being abused on Thursday night. Seriously, bet everything you own on the Jets, no matter what the spread.
Torrey Smith – I’m not going to name drop all the “experts” who came on my television show ‘Off the Record,’ and told me Torrey was going to go off this season, for that would be super duper rude, and Beddict don’t play like that. Or do I? Either way, it’s only been one week, so I can’t be too harsh… Make it two weeks…
Jack Doyle – O’Doyle DOES NOT rule.
Thank you for joining me for another fun filled edition of Disgrace/Delight. As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to in the section below. I am at your service and enjoy the banter. If you’re upset with me about last week, I’m sure you can find bad advice elsewhere. Your Lord loves you.