Greetings! Your baby mother’s favorite fantasy football gunslinger is back! “Hile, Beddict.” “Hile, Gunslinger!” I can hear you chanting it from your mother’s basement! I am very much looking forward to tomorrow’s games, for I will be in Las Vegas, spread eagle at the Palazzo, getting my gooch waxed for what will certainly be an entertaining week.
Legal weed….Prostitution…….Automatic weapons…..Prostitution…..Gambling……Prostitution…Who doesn’t love Las Vegas!? Last time I visited, I lost 10K betting the over of the Alabama/Texas A&M game back in 2012. Alabama, at home, on senior night, with Eddie F*CKING LACY couldn’t punch it in from the 3 yard line against one of the worst defenses in college football history………..WHAT THE F*CK!!>!!>?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!! WHY ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Anyway, wish me luck, and enjoy my work below, if it does ya.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! TAKE HEED!!!!
A Delightful Quarterback…
Carson Palmer – I’m certain you’ve already read about my thong being juicer than a king-sized pack of gushers this week (HERE), but another QB I happen to love, which some of you goodmen seem to have a problem with is none other than Carson Palmer, the elder. You asked (one reader did anyway) and you shall receive, as promised, for I am nothing, if not a man of my word. I don’t want to get overly mathematical here and break your brain like that slob Don La Greca, so let me break this down for you like Bill Gates would explain wealth to small child… or Stephen Dorff.
- The Arizona Cardinals are playing at home, and home is where the hard-on is, they say. For dear old Carson averaged a good 70 yards more passing at home. BUT WAIT, there’s more: Palmer only threw five of his 17 picks in the friendly confines of the stadium sponsored by a fake college (no offense if you went there. Certainly not). Yes, he threw more touchdowns on the road, somehow, but the stats I pointed out matter and that one doesn’t. Why, you might ask? I DON’T F*CKING KNOW. AHHHHHHH.
- The Cowboys ranked 26th in pass defense last season and have seemingly lost their entire defensive backfield. The only reason they aren’t bottom feeders currently is because they were gifted with playing the Giants and the rotting corpse of Brandon Marshall in Week 1.
- Oh yeah, the Cardinals have NOTHING at running back, and in facing a Cowboys offense I fully expect to put up points, the Cardinals will once again lean heavily on the man who refuses to bow out of the game gracefully, and for that, I’ll always respect him. Sort of like John Travolta… I’m sorry, I’ve lost all respect for John Travolta. I’m not sure why I wrote that.
Blake Bortles – Just kidding.
A Disgraceful Quarterback…
Tyrod Taylor – Thee Father of Rod deserves far better than this, alas, Bills management has poisoned his shot at any type of real success this season by taking away the only real weapons he possessed. Sammy Watkins, Robert Woods and, oh yes, even Marquise Goodwin put on the kind of receiving show on Thursday Night that would make even the great Shyla Stylez blush, filling all holes… in the stat sheet: Balls received, breathtaking scores, and major yardage. 276 to be exact, which is 151 more yards than Taylor was able to throw for last week, even with the Zay Jones Jr. drop that would have won them the game. For you see, Tygod is a legendary figure, and legendary figures deserve our respect! Imagine putting Tom Brady in his shoes….or sh!t, even Aaron Rodgers! How many games are they winning there? We are looking at the most underrated quarterback in the NFL right now and the Jaguars would do well to give up a 2 for him RIGHT NOW, and watch them win the division. I love me some Rod, but against this frighteningly freakish Denver defense………One must be realistic about these things.
A Couple of Delightful Running Backs…
Christian McCaffrey – This current great white hope has let us down harder than the last 20 or so, straight to DVD, Bruce Willis flicks. I’ve heard rumors that Donald Trump is seriously considering having McCaffrey’s white card revoked. Soon, he’ll be in North Korea… THAT IS IF the Panthers of Carolina were not taking on the Saints of New Orleans, you know, the worst defense in NFL history. With zero scores through his first two games, and a paltry 2.7 yards a carry, young Christ here, is, much like my goodman, Roland of Gilead, after going two weeks without gunning someone down, THIRSTY FOR DEATH……or scoring a couple touchdowns….depending on how you look at it. HILE, GUNSLINGER!!!!!!
Theo Riddick – Unlike the horrific Vin Diesel flicks (I’m not just talking Pitch Black, I’m talking about EVERY single movie he’s ever made), I expect Riddick’s chronicles to include 60-80 yards receiving with a score this week against an Atlanta defense that should be playing with lead, allowing the pass-rushers to pin back their ears like Nicholas Cage at a dinosaur skull auction, leaving Riddick to do what he does best; collect garbage fantasy points. The trash man cometh, and neither of want to see that disgusting compost pile you keep in the backyard; We just want to assist you in crushing your fantasy matchup, and I’d expect Theo equals or surpasses the nine total receptions he has through two games against the Atlanta Falcons AKA the team that gave us the greatest choke job since Terminator 3. Thinking of it makes me physically ill.
A Disgraceful Running Back…
Adrian Peterson – It was once said by some ancient scholar that Father clock is undefeated. That is, unless your name is Ted Williams and you had your head flash frozen like some small mouth bass caught in the frigid and pure waters of Lake Minnetonka. Or, possibly, if your name happens to be Tehol Beddict and your scripture will be read telepathically, then on screens, then in enormous, dusty book, and then on the walls of caves as are society regresses and the dinosaurs return to roam the decimated land, leaving but a few humanoids to read his all-knowing scripture. Start teaching your children how to read hieroglyphics and make sure that the knowledge is passed down with each generation, for it’s been said that the wisdom of Beddict may be our only hope of repopulating the earth. WTF was I saying? Oh, yea, Adrian Peterson is washed than Judge Reinhold. RIP…..wait, he’s not dead? Jesus, take the wheel. Peterson, the old-school switch yielder that he is, no longer fits the mold of what offenses are looking for. The fit with New Orleans was awful to begin with, as he has the worst receiving skills of possibly any running back I’ve ever witnessed, and the Saints defense is Siegfried and Roy backside porous, meaning, my goodmen, of course, that the Saints will more likely than not have to throw the ball constantly to have any hope of making ANY game competitive going forward. I believe I’ve lost my mind……moving on.
A Couple of Delightful Wide Recievers…
Terrelle Pryor – Is this the week? Aye, my cullies, tis. The Raiders were 24th in pass defense in 2016, and shouldn’t be much better this year. If Jermaine Kearse (went to my high school) can torch them, imagine what this Pterodactyl can accomplish if properly unleashed upon the enemy. In what should be a high scoring affair, I expect Pryor to be in the top 15 when darkness falls upon us all on Sunday night.
J.J. Nelson – You laughed in my face when I promised that Nelson would “EASILY be a top 15 fantasy wideout” in week two, on Twitter. Then you flogged the dolphin/flicked the bean in an attempt to forget the face of your great father, Beddict the Chosen, but when you unleashed, you saw nothing but my knowing face. Not judging you, but knowing that those tears streaming down your pock marked cheeks, are from shame….both from doubting my Nelson call, but also for orgasming while imagining my muscled body, glistening in the snow, wishing you could reach out and touch the goose-fleshed skin, those granite-hard nipples! ALAS, YOU MAY NOT! For I am only in your dreams and nightmares, and don’t truly exist in this world at all. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, say he’ll make you bust.
A Disgraceful Wide Receiver…
Kenny Britt – It seems like just yesterday that the Cleveland Mud signed Dwayne Bowe to a fairly big money deal. And now, Sashi Brown has done his best to one-up his disgraced predecessor, Ray Farmer, by not re-signing Terrelle Pryor, one of the only decent moves the Browns have made in years, and replacing him with this walking dildo. That’s a bad analogy, for dildo’s actually give pleasure, where all Britt gives is pain and horror. Through two games, Britt has a monstrous two catches for 15 yards, and head coach, Hue Jackson, was already considering benching him after week one’s butt-plug. I should mention the guys who would be replacing him would be a man just brought up from the practice squad and Kasen Williams, who the Seahawks cut in the preseason. Did I mention Britt is garbage and has no heart? Either way, this is actually a great matchup and if you throw out a bunch of DFS lineups, I’d include him in at least one, but, I thought he deserved a solid thrashing.
Delightful and Disgraceful Tight Ends…
I DON’T LOVE ANY TIGHT ENDS other than Gronk and Kelce. Everyone else is a total crapshoot at this point. Certainly, we can play the matchups and say Austin Hooper is in line for a nice day as the Lions have ranked in the bottom five against opposing tight ends for a good while, or that, POSSIBLY, Eric Ebron has turned a corner and will inherit another score from his daddy, Matthew Stafford, but we’ve been down this road before. We can’t even trust Jordan Reed or my new, least favorite man on earth, Jimmy freaking Graham. Graham the gutless, they call him. I will have my final rankings for tight ends set accordingly before the end of Saturday evening, so heed my words.
One DST That’s Delightful to Stream…
The Miami Dolphins – I’m streaming them everywhere so that means they’ll probably get ran through like a gerbil up Richard Gere’s kazoo after Josh McCown rises like the Phoenix and rips my heart out like has time and time again.
Thank you for joining me for the first in-season edition of Disgrace/Delight. It has been a pleasure, truly. Truly, I say. Leave your questions and comments below and I’ll respond to them to the best of my ability……which is elite. Enjoy the games and wish me luck in Vegas.
