Greetings!!! Week two was hella crazy, ya’ll; Adrian Peterson suspended for child endangerment, A.J. Green going down with a toe injury before making a single reception, and Jake Locker being beyond atrocious. Okay, well, maybe that last one wasn’t so shocking… but every soul on earth other than the legendary, Jay(Wrong), had Locker going HAM and eggs on the what was supposed to be pathetic defense of the Dallas Cowboys. Thinking about the once salivating thought of Locker to Justin Hunter, now sickens me beyond a level I believed only possible in the depths of Hades. More on these two bricks, later. My first four picks in my highest money league were as follows: Peterson, Alshon Jeffery, Andre Ellington, and Rob Gronkowski. Needless to say, I’m 0-2 and almost b*tch slapped my chicken out of anger. But then, I thought of Michael Vick, Ray Rice, Da Kraken, and the aforementioned AP, and decided to instead, hug my chicken, Beatrice, for love is the answer ya’ll. I’m Tehol Beddict, the only former-male thong model in history to be published in any form of sports writing, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Players Who Disgraced Themselves
Toby Gerhart- Your name is Toby! 7 carries for 8 yards? Your name is Toby! 2 receptions for 9 yards? Your name is Toby! If Tobes had 1/1,00,000nth the resolve and testicular fortitude of Kunta Kinte, he’d be a damned Hall of Famer. Unfortunately, for Jags fans and his fantasy owners alike, watching Gerhart play football stings more ruefully than the combined forces of 500 incensed, Portuguese men o’ war, only nobody can relieve the pain by urinating all over you, R. Kelly style. The talent in Jacksonville is inadequate, and the high effort and supportive act of the new coaching staff is wearing thin. If you believe Tobes is superior to my man, Todman, you’re lying to yourself. The search for a great white hope at running back continues on with no end in sight.
Torrey Smith- Another week, another bum a*s performance from my main man Torrey Smith! 1 catch for 10 yards, on 3 targets? Ughhhh. Daddy, make it stop! Per usual, Torch drew a pass interference call in what would have surely been a TD, but I’m sure, you, much like me, Beddict tha nut smuggla, are extremely tired of these results. Smith is the Matt Damon of fantasy football; every time out you expect a blockbuster success with an Academy award nominated performance and instead you get, Elysium. I can’t lie, tho, Damon absolutely slaughtered his performance in Eurotrip, and that makes up for many of his countless duds. We need that type of performance from Torrey, soon and not only is it a possibility, but in my humbly precognitive mind, it’s an absolute certainty. Torrey is coming……Scotty doesn’t know!!!
Rob Gronkowski- 4 receptions for 32 yards on 6 targets? This isn’t what we signed up for, Gronk. The once physically imposing Gronkowski is now about as fragile as the Ukrainian eggs I made in grade school. The Hoodie, that trickster, that worm, has flipped the script on us, insisting upon now running the ball down opponents throats. Let’s hope that has something to do with blowing the Vikings’ backs out and not some new strategy. With that being said, Gronk was once the best overall tight end in football, by a long shot, and now he’s only out there on passing downs. You’re right to be concerned as this is much worse than I imagined. I’ll pray to the Elder Gods and possibly slay an Ox in their honor, in the hopes they magically heal this once lovable moron.
Montee Ball- How does Ball only get 12 carries in a game where Denver had the lead the entire way? The former Wisconsin bruiser will no doubt accrue some solid statistics and no doubt have a few multi short-yardage TD games, but I’m dismayed over the lack of explosiveness he’s shown and he’s a downgrade from Moreno, most certainly. It pains me to say this, but C.J. Anderson looks like the superior player to me right now. Maybe they should have drafted Hyde or Hill this year instead of grabbing another WR for no reason. Just a thought. Anyway, don’t panic, cuz Ball will bounce back and grind out yardage. It’s just puzzling that Denver never attempted to run it in any of the times they were inside the 5 yard line. And that my friends, is a fantasy owner’s worst nightmare. Freddy Kruegerish, even. Yikes!
Justin Hunter- 2 recpetions for 26 yards on 6 targets. Since I haven’t watched both Titans games in their entirety, I cannot say whether it’s been Hunter or Locker’s fault when it comes to the incompletions on the deep balls. What I can say is that everyone and dey Momma (Including me) was predicting a J-Hunt explosion against the Cowboys this Sunday. Two things: 1) The Cowboys defense isn’t nearly as horrific as we imagined the case and 2) Locker simply isn’t good enough to influence the breakout numbers we hoped Hunter would achieve. Not much we can do with Hunter at this moment but pray. Get on your knees.
Adrian Peterson- Adrian, it’s 2014. Please stop hitting your kids in what is surely the few times per year you actually see them. That is all.
Jake Locker- 18/34 for 234 , with 1 gift TD from Delanie Walker, 2 picks and 9 yards rushing? Maybe I’m overreacting (shocker) but other than Matt Cassel or Chad Henne’s elephant excrement performances, Locker was as bad as any QB on the field this past week. He should be one of the fastest QB’s in the league, so the fact that he doesn’t run more often is infuriatingly puzzling. There are some solid pieces in place for the Titans but if Locker doesn’t get it together soon, they will be moving on from their former top 10 pick. I don’t blame them.
Matt Cassel- Morbidly disgusting.
Non NFL Disgrace
Stitches- Brick in Yo Face Oh. My. God. How did I just happen to discover this tonight? Uhhhhh, is this real? Is this Dug Fister? the legendary draftkings player from Twitter? Is this awesome? I’m not really sure what this is, but it feels right placing it in the disgrace column. Either way, I can’t stop watching it. Maybe we can get him on the razzball radio? He would quickly pass Peter King, as our greatest guest of all time. Wow. Just, Wow.
Players Who Delighted:
Matt Asiata– There is no way the Vikings allow Peterson to play with the Governor of Minnesota stepping up and saying he should’t be allowed to take the field. Asiata is has shown to be a capable fantasy point getter, and showed some explosiveness in his wide open touchdown reception this week. HOWEVER, I believe it will be tough sledding this week in New Orleans, as the 0-2 Saints are looking to unleash some built up stress. Much like, Peter North, off of a celibate month, 2 dozen oysters, and a pound of canned tuna, this is about to get nasty. There’s always the chance Asiata gets a short TD but I’d only start him if your hand is forced. Still, a solid past week for, “AsMan,” and definitely deserving of a coveted spot in the delight section. Kudos to him.
Antonio Gates– I’m assuming you didn’t have Gates in your lineup as he was going up against the vaunted Seattle Seahawks defense……..For those of you who don’t know, I live in and am from Seattle, and that was one of strangest games I’ve ever witnessed. Phillip Rivers has never been more magical than he was on Sunday afternoon during that insane heat wave in San Diego. Seriously, a couple of those TD throws he made to Gates were almost physically impossible. Oh well, you live and you learn….or you just missed out on the playoffs because you benched Gates. I did the same thing…..It huuuuuuuuurts. As far as Gates going forward, I love him! He’s back to being a top-5 tight end in my opinion so be ecstatic you got him near the end of your draft as did I.
Jay Cutler– My respect for Jay Cutler reached Ultimate Warrior level heights. After Jay took that jack hammering to the sternum I believed he’d be done for the night in what was surely a blowout. Instead, he led them to a TD before the half and absolutely torched the Niners secondary in the 2nd for 3 more. If Jeffery is back at full strength this week, look out! Oh yea, and he still drills that hottie from, The O.C. I guess it’s his wife, which makes it not as cool, but still cool nonetheless.
Mohamed Sanu- Not only did this former 2nd rounder catch a 76 yard bomb for a TD last week but he threw a 50 yard pass well. That’s how you make the delight sections, playaz. Sanu is obviously a great play this week, also, as A.J. Green is out and Marvin Jones still hasn’t returned, making Sanu, Dalton’s top WR target on the day. Much like a midget at a urinal, opposing defenses are going to have to stay on their toes.
Darren Sproles- 152 receiving yards!!!? And a rushing TD to boot!? I haven’t witnessed a little guy achieving such inspirational levels of greatness, since Wee Man in Jackass 3.
Demarco Murray– Runaway train, never going baaaaack! Nah, peeps, this ain’t Soul Asylum, it’s DeMarco Murray, and he’s out for blood. Murray is coming off back to back prime time performances and much like Tom Hanks’s acting career in the 90’s, I expect him to be a major success each and every time he touches the field. The Cowboys should have one of the best, if not THEE best, offensive line in the NFL and Murray looks hungrier than a 40 year old housewife who just stopped taking adderall. Dig in, DM!!!!! Kudos if you drafted Murray this season. I didn’t.
Jimmy Graham– I bet this guy pisses pure plantinum and skeets flawless diamonds. Seriously, there’s never been and maybe never will be, a more talented pass catcher playing the tight end position. This is why a tight end is now going in the top 8 overall, of fantasy drafts everywhere. Mind bottling.
Delanie Walker– I’ve always been a fan so it was splendid to witness D-Walk getting funky on the Cowboys this past week, sadly, for a losing cause. It’s doubtful Walker has another performance on par with this for the remainder of the season but you could do worse than throwing him out there. If only there was someone with greater accuracy, throwing him the pigskin. Ahhhh, one can dream, right?
Non NFL Delights
Destiny– Best game to come out thus far on X-Box one, without a doubt. If you love Halo, then you’re gonna cream in your pants over this one. I keep tweeting for you guys to game with me but nobody ever responds…..Woe is me. Anyway, the wait for quality games has been painful, but Destiny makes up for it. Send your significant other on a weekend vacation with her girlfriends, pour yourself a glass of red wine, hit the hash oils, and let the good times roll.
Ray Donovan- After a painfully slow beginning to season 2, the last 3 episodes of, RD, have been the most excellent television I’ve seen in months (Pornhub doesn’t count just because you connected your computer to the TV to watch it on the big screen). I highly suggest you hop on this show ASAP. If not for me, then for Jon Voight.
Thanks for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. As always, Ienjoyed myself immensely and I hope at least one of you readers did too! I appreciate you guys so much (I’m crying tears of joy right now)! As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to quickly below and I also recommend you following me on Twitter at @Tehol143. My Gambling picks are being moved to Saturdays so I will just be giving you my Thursday Picks on these posts from now on. ATLANTA (+6.5) is an easy call for me. Would you bet on Tampa Bay right now? Needless to say my picks were horrendous last week but we’ll get into that on Saturday. TTYL (Talk to you later).