Greetings! There ain’t no rest for the wicked, so I must push forward even while desiring nothing more than a hot bubble bath and a 500th viewing of the Paris Hilton sex tape. It’s a been a long day, a long week for that matter, as the Seattle Seahawks crumbled in the fourth quarter like Nicolas Cage the last time he auditioned in front of Scorsese. Now they travel to face their former archrival, the San Francisco 49ers, and the Elder Gods have been sending me signs all week that the final result will send me into the sort of life-altering tailspin that I read about in James Frey’s biography, A Million Little Pieces. You know, the one that turned out to be completely made up after he melted the hearts of Americans everywhere, letting us know that however screwed up we were, that we could overcome any obstacles in our path? Oh powerful Elders, I ask you here and now to bless me with a team I can get behind. Something to believe in to carry me through the unbearable tortures that life bestows upon us! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!
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Players that will Delight
Kirk Cousins – Tampa Bay has miraculously only given up around 200-yards per game, but uhhhhh, did you see what my man Blake Bortles did to the a couple weeks back? Yeah, Cousins more than likely gets DeSean Jackson back this week and I expect both him and Garçon to have top-25 days. I’m picturing a three touchdown day from Captain Kirk, followed by a wagyu steak dinner and a full body massage from the hot and mature housewife who lives next door. If DFS is still legal this week, I’ll be leading Captain Kirk take me into Deep Space Nine. [Jay’s Note: I’m the biggest Star Trek fan there is, and I still have no idea what that means…]
Ryan Tannehill – In Dan Cambell we trust! Say one thing for Dan Campbell, he’s 100 times the coach Joe Philbin is. I see a weak Houston Texans pass defense that has given up 12 TD passes and an average of 240 yards per game, and I envision Tanny throwing for 300-plus yards, and two plus scores. It’s not rocket science here, my goodmen. It’s just that Dan Campbell is the greatest coach to ever coach in the history of coaching.
Christine Michael – I’ll believe it when I see it, but it’s being reported that Christina is taking the majority of first team snaps with the Dallas offense this week… WHICH MEANS you should have already picked him up by now since this post won’t be up until after waivers have processed. To keep it all the way one hunnid wit cha, Michael is ten times more talented than Joseph Randle, and if ACTUALLY given the opportunity, I fully expect him to produce! Kind of like what would happen for Val Kilmer if anyone would give him an actual role… and somehow reversed that horrid plastic surgery… and wasn’t a total douche bag.
LeSean McCoy – Let me break this down for you fine people right quick; The Jaguars give up more than 100-yards a game on the ground and I haven’t witnessed a “receiving” core this decimated since Debbie got done by Dallas. No Sammy Watkins. No Percy Harvin. Robert Woods seems to have regressed into something less than a man, and even Marquise Goodman is out for the season. That leaves, umm, Chris Hogan… I’d sacrifice whatever necessary for Tygod to sit this one out and wait ’till he’s fully healthy before entering the field of play with these bums. McCoy should get a ton of work in jolly old England.
Devin Funchess – D-Funch only had a couple grabs this past week against Seattle (and a couple drops) but he showed me enough to recognize that he’s the most talented wide receiver on the Panthers roster, and he may be about to pick things up in a major way. With the Eagles giving up 260-yards passing a game, this may be a extremely sneaky time to stick him in your lineup, especially if you’re dealing with some stars on bye weeks. If he fails miserably, please, PLEASE forget this was ever written.
Michael Floyd – Floyd had five receptions for 50 yards and a score last week, but he had 8 targets and narrowly missed what seemed like three more scores. He’s fully worked his way back from health and may be the best all-around receiver the Cardinals possess. One to keep an eye on, that’s for sure. The Ravens are coming to town and you know what that means; EVERYONE gets a turn. Floyd scores again.
Players that will Disgrace
Sam Bradford – I’m gonna give it to you straight kids; Sam Bradford is barely a mediocre quarterback and the Panthers defense is playing hungrier than Oprah Winfrey after a rough break up. It’s been said that Bradford is possibly on a short leash, and I’m praying this is the week we get Sanchize back, for the world is much better place when he’s starting.
Matt Cassel – You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Carlos Hyde – Hyde, a favorite of mine, has been banged up the entire season, and admirably continues to attempt to play through what seems like multiple injuries. What he SHOULD do is take a week off against this desperate Seahawks defense, a defense that will more than likely have Bobby Wagner back, ready to rock and roll like Tom Petty after a heroine bender.
Ameer Abdullah – Bruh is crazy overrated and is responsible for more ball bobbling that than George Michael during a late night highway rest stop session. The Vikings have given up over 4.5 yards per carry on the season, but they seem to have figured some things out during their bye week and I fully expect them take Dullah’s cookies, at least once.
Robert Woods – I believe I mentioned this fraudulent peasant earlier, but I’d be doing the world a disservice if I failed to properly verbally assassinate his character… This is all on the football field of course. I’m sure he’s a great guy off the field… But really though, WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GUY? He was an all time legend at USC and I thought he was steal, going in second round a few years back. Shame on me, for Woods is unable to produce more than the great white hope Chris Hogan, and that my friends, is absolutely a shame beyond measure. I keep getting sucked into the fact that ALL of the other Bills wideouts are injured and that he HAS to produce because of it. Never again. Never EFFing again.
Every Seahawks wideout – Shame…………Shame…………..Shame……….Shame………Shame……….Shame…………Shame……..Shame……….Shame…….
That’s all the time we have this week, but I thank you for joining me on this road we share, destined for glory. As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to below and I very much look forward to our conversations regarding football, sex, and the meaning of life. Stay blessed.
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