I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Cincinnati Bengals (+6) at Cleveland Browns
Forecast: Nice of the NFL to serve us up the Ohio Toilet Bowl as a week 2 primetime game. On the plus side, you know Odell Beckham Jr. is always ready to go for the toilet bowl! But Odell’s disturbing fetish won’t be the only story line of our week two Thursday Night Football match up. Don’t take your eyes off Myles Garrett on the opening drive. He’ll sack the Bengals rookie QB, Joe Burrow, and knock him out of the game by ripping Burrow’s new bling chain off and beating him over the head with it. After the rookie’s departure, Ryan Finley will keep the Bengals in this one by peppering A.J. Green and Tyler Boyd with his deep ball, in the 5-7 yard range. On the ground, Nick will get his Chubb back, but Mixon will continue to leave his owners limp. And down the stretch, it’ll be Case Keenum flinging the feces to OBJ; Baker Mayfield has accidentally doubled booked for Thursday night and he’ll have to sneak away at halftime to record a few Progressive commercials. Browns 28, Bengals 17
Wager: Browns -6 (1 Unit)
2020 Season: 0-1 (-1.1 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 2:
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