Greetings all. I’m here for the first of many DraftKings posts. And by ‘many’ I mean ‘once a week for 17 weeks’. Sounds daunting, I know. Wanna know what’s even more daunting? Trying to write this up two weeks in advance. Yes, you’re talking to August Sky when you comment on here. Well, it will really be September Sky in the comments but he’s commenting for August Sky from here. Do you know how hard it is to be split personalities based on months in the same post? The United States of Tara got nuthin on me! And why am I writing so far into the past you ask? Well, I have a few reasons…32 of’um to be exact. You see, I’m on the final leg of the #32in32in32 tour with Nick Capozzi starting on the 30th of August. That’s in Chicago and here’s me pointing at the spot on that sweet Razzball tour bus where Chicago is just in case regular maps confuse you. I won’t be home until after the first game of the year so I’m thinking ahead and getting the goods to you in a reasonable amount of time, ya dig? So apologies in advance if my info seems more dated than my cultural references. I’m doing my best! But now that we have that covered, let’s go even further into the past. Here’s my Pump & Primer post from earlier this August. It’s a great stop for those of you who are wondering just what the heck this DraftKings business is. BTW, you’ll notice I keep giving you a hyperlink for DraftKings…see I did it again! That’s your ticket to the $100,000 play action tournament care of Razzball if you’re a first time DK’er. And by clicking on that link and signing up through us, you let DK know that we sent you which lets them know we like them. It’s like Valentine’s Day and we’re secret DK admirers and you’re the box of chocolates we’re sending with a note attached saying ‘I wanna make sweet, sweet love to you down by the fire on a polar bearskin rug’. So it’s a win, win situation. Minus the staples you got from the attached note. Sorry about that, we’ll use tape next time. But you’ve already got a DK account, you say, but want something tempting from this post? Well how about Razzball’s 20 Team Week 1 DK Challenge? I reserved my seat back in August, where have you been? But of course, now that we’ve covered the pimping, let’s get to the playing and namely, playing against a bad defense. You see, the Cowboys were easily one of the worst defenses last year. I know, I know, don’t hang your hat on last year’s stats. But what did the Cowboys do to improve? By getting rid of DeMarcus Ware? Last time I checked, losing your best defensive player doesn’t improve your squad. This team is a mess and Jerry Jones is out there doing bathroom selfies in lewd ways to try and forget that he owns it. Speaking of owning, that’s what Colin Kaepernick will do come Sunday. Though I’m not the biggest Kaep guy for the year, I do think this matchup is for him to go hog-wild in given the set up. Colin finishing the day with 30+ points wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest and he’s not even priced in the top five QBs for the day. By the end of the day, Colin will have you saying ‘Oh Kaep-tain, my Kaep-tain, our fearful trip is done, The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won’. And not to get all sappy on you but yes, that’s my Robin Williams shout out. Gonna miss you, Mork. Now on with the week one picks for DraftKings contests for 2014 Fantasy Football…
Shaun Hill, QB: $5,000 – So you want a cheaper option than Colin I see. Well how about an over the hill Shaun? Ew, you just threw up and I can smell it. You have spaghetti-o’s for dinner or something? That was nasty. Here’s a little known fun fact about Hill: he’s not that bad for fantasy. Not here to talk about how he looks, I’m just talking numbers, baby. Speaking of numbers, did the Vikings do enough this off-season to shore up the worst secondary in the NFL? Maybe they’ve improved but week 1 at home for a QB with retooled weapons surrounding him is a good gamble if you don’t wanna spend at QB. In all fairness, he might actually be overhyped as a tourney play by the time this comes out. For that reason, I have some extra options for ya below.
Andrew Luck, QB: $8,300 – Priced well and the QB playing the underdog in a game that Vegas has a line of o/u 55 1/2 on? Sign. Me. Up. He’s priced a little higher than our Kaep-tain but he’ll be worth every penny. But for tourney plays, he’ll probably be higher owned than even Peyton will be so consider him a cash game only play.
Geno Smith, QB: $6,500 – I’m giving you highs and lows, gals and bros. The Raiders are still bad. Everyone knows this. But is Geno any good? Well, it’s hard to say. What I can say is he’s at home and you’ll notice me touting one of his targets later so in tourneys I wouldn’t hate being a part of the QB Geno(me) project.
Dexter McCluster, RB: $3,000 – In every redraft league I’ve been in, McCluster has found a way onto my roster. Week One he gets his old team. The team that couldn’t find a way to use him and then went out and drafted his clone in De’Anthony Thomas. Who’s basically just refilling his role there. Revenge game anyone? Oh and why have I been drafting him everywhere? Let my boy Ken Whisenhunt show you the way. I shall call him ‘Dexty McWoodheadster’.
LeSean McCoy, RB: $8,400 – Here I’ll take the RB on a team that is a 10 1/2 point favorite for grind down carries and stats, thank you very much. It IS a gamble knowing the game could be decided at half-time and Chris Polk is doing the TD polka thrice in the end zone instead of Shady, but McCoy is my boy if I’m spending up at RB.
Frank Gore, RB: $5,200 – If you’re not agreeing with my Kaep call, you’ll still want a piece of this SF offense. (Insert Team Name Here) Does Dallas will be a recurring porn theme here for DraftKings content.
DeMarco Murray, RB: $6,800 – The 49ers defense is dealing with some major injury issues on the D side this year. Now I am only suggesting DeMarco because I don’t think week one many people will be on Dallas players and will probably get the fade action but I do think Dallas keeps pace, leaving Murray a chance to shine. No promises here but there’s merit in being a tourney contrarian. Consider Dez Bryant to be a part of this idea as well.
Kenny Britt, WR: $4,000 – If I’m gonna suggest Hill, I gotta give you a possible WR pairing, no? This is the year we decide if we have a Britt-ish invasion on our hands or if he will forever and always be Kenny Brittle. I’m leaning towards Herman’s Hermits…wait, what?
Eric Decker, WR: $5,200 – The debate rages on whether or not Decker was Manning made or a self-made man. I tend to lean towards the latter and think he’ll enjoy being the #1 option for the Jets this year. Plus, Mark Davis. Never underestimate dat hair factor.
Emmanuel Sanders, WR: $4,800 – Not a huge fan of him in redraft but hey, I’ll take a Peyton receiver who’s priced under $5K any day of the week and twice on a Moosday and I don’t even know what a Moosday is or where that phrase came from.
Michael Crabtree, WR: $6,100 – Kap gotta throw to someone and that someone is probably Crabtree. If he finishes the week as a WR1, color me not surprised. In fact, don’t color me at all. I have sensitive skin, do you know how much damage that could do to it?
Zach Ertz, TE: $4,100 – There’s always Orange Julius or Graham Cracker Crunch, but for the money I’ll take a guy whom I think will play a large redzone role for the Eagles this year. Want a cheap ride to the end zone? Try Ertz Rent-A-TE. He’ll pick you up!
New York Jets, DST: $3,900 – See 1/8th of an inch above, change the six point favorite to 4 1/2, add in that Mark Davis‘ little boy bowl cut again and presto, logic still applies! Serious question: if you were a Raiders fan, how happy would you be if they just took the team to LA at this point?