Hey now! Baba Booey fantasy footballers.
I have been listening to the Howard Stern show for the better part of the last 20-something years, and I can proudly say that the show has shaped my definition of humor. Anyone who thinks that fart jokes or any other expression of toilet humor is not funny is either lying or uptight, and is someone I’d prefer not to associate with unless life dictates that I must. While many of this generation will recognize Stern as a judge on America’s Got Talent, he will forever be known to me as Fartman, and the man that has made me laugh innumerable times. Howard Stern has entertained millions and has paved the professional path for so many ungrateful others. Those that think he is a just a rude and obnoxious disc jockey obviously have no idea who Howard Stern really is. Stern is an intellect. He is honest, original and the deeply opinionated loud mouth voice of many who justifiably describes himself as “The King of All Media”.
But one thing that Howard Stern is not, is a sports fan. He likely knows less about fantasy football than Beetlejuice, or anyone else in the show’s renowned wack pack. Howard would hate fantasy football for the mere fact that it means his staff is not as focused on their jobs as he’d prefer them to be during the NFL season. Howard has taken a ton of criticism with regards to his portrayal of the members of the wack pack. Many will say that he treats them like players that don’t even belong in a league’s player pool, let alone the waiver wire. That couldn’t be further from true. Howard appreciates them for their inability to understand why they are special (funny) and in the real world, and after Robin, Fred, and Gary, they would be his top round picks. However, in the real world, we would never draft our super-deep sleepers anywhere near the early rounds of a draft. If you did, you’d be severely handicapping your team. Or would you?
Shockingly, the following lineup of potential wack packers, which combined for 177.38 fantasy points in Yahoo half-point PPR leagues, would likely have won any head-to-head matchup, and would have your league mates trying to figure out if you were a genius or the luckiest idiot in the world, and would be ready to nominate you as the next member of their wack pack.
QB: Kirk Cousins (28.58)
RB: Joe McKnight (21.70)
RB: Lorenzo Taliafero (15.10)
WR: Devin Hester (17)
WR: Jordan Matthews (21.90)
TE: Andrew Quarless (12.30)
FL: John Brown (19.20)
K: Kai Forbath (12)
DST: Atlanta Falcons (29)
But how many of these players would I actually consider rostering?
Captain Kirk threw for 427 yards and 3 touchdowns! Only Andrew Luck had a better performance this week. And only Peyton Manning threw the ball more times than Cousins’ 48 attempts. Despite playing 1 game less than everyone else he falls just outside of the top 10 fantasy scoring quarterbacks. In 2 QB leagues, I am grabbing him. If my current QB has a bye week, I am grabbing him. And unless I have one the top 5, I am considering grabbing him.
After Vito Corleone was shot, Lorenzo the baker stood guard outside the hospital alongside Michael, risking his life for the Godfather. Oh wait, wrong guy? My bad. That’s Enzo the baker. With Pierce out, It was Taliafero that got the bulk of the carries, rushing 18 times for 91 yards and a touchdown. Week 2’s popular pick pickup, Justin Forsett, only saw 11 carries. However Lorenzo was not part of the receiving game at all whereas Forsett was targeted 5 times for 4 catches. With Pierce expected to return soon, I’m not sure how much value Lorenzo has, but if I have a free spot on my roster I might scoop him up as a speculative pick.
Jordan Matthews and John Brown appear to be nothing more than bye week fill-ins. Of the two I prefer Brown. After another disappointing week from Larry Fitzgerald, Brown caught 4 of 6 targets for 52 yards and 2 touchdowns. While he’s not the Brown you were looking for (Antonio), you could do a lot worse than John Brown who is just inside the top 25 wide receivers in Yahoo! leagues.
With Roddy White and Harry Douglas out, Hester “the kick return molester” is an interesting choice. But with those guys in the mix, plus Julio Jones, unless your league rewards returns, Hester is too much of a gamble.
Cobra Kai Forbath can remain in the dojo and feel free to ignore Andrew Quarless of the 1-2 Green Bay Fudge Packers. And lastly, after two useless weeks the Atlanta DST put up a whopping 29 points against the mediocre offense of the 0-3 Tampa Bay Bucaneers. So take this week’s performance with a grain of something.
Who needs studs? Not me!!! See you next week with a new list of players that would turn any fantasy owner from a zero to a hero in just a few quarters. And don’t forget… when one of your players scores a touchdown, holler “Baba Booey“!!!
This post is dedicated to Eric “the actor” Lynch.