Handcuff Report, Week 9: Handcuff Blind Date

I planned on writing this post about how no one knows who their starting running backs are anymore. How they’re a bunch of no names. Problem is, I’ve been writing about that for two months. No one is safe from the Runningbacklypse. The long and the short: it’s not a fresh angle. Then again, it does seem like I’m on a blind date with a different running back each week. Some weeks it goes well (Jerick McKinnon, Jonas Gray, Ronnie Hillman, Branden Oliver) other weeks…not so much (Brandon Bolden, Bishop Sankey, Lorenzo Taliaferro, Panthers of unknown origin). Anyone remember the show Blind Date? I always loved it when the kids got together. Especially after starting at a Tae Kwon Do lesson, followed by a trip to the candy shop, followed by a trip to Sea World, followed by dinner. And if the ladies were really into the guy, sometimes they’d stay over… scandalous! What does this have to do with running backs? Yeah… nothing. Well we have a few more blind dates to set you up on this week. So click that button below and meet this week’s eligible bachelors

Note: Don’t forget to come visit me on the new Razzball Fantasy Soccer home everyday of the week. Smokey and I are Hustling like Rick Ross, and giving you the best fantasy Premier League coverage out there. If you haven’t tried fantasy EPL, you’re missing out. So sign up and use us as your guide.

Jeremy Hill – Bachelor number one is a known commodity that’s been knocking at the door of fantasy relevance all season. He loves running between the tackles, animal prints, and filling in for his best friend Gio Bernard. And fill in he will, our bachelor faces a Jaguars defense that is about as putrid as one defense could be. I would also expect Mr. Hill to see about 20 carries this week. If he’s still on your wavier wire stop reading and go get him….serious.

Bobby Rainey – Bachelor number two is the classic wild card. Somedays he’s the best handcuff money could buy, putting up huge games and winning you fantasy matchups. Other times he’s a stinking drunk pinching your best friends ass while you’re in the bathroom. Okay yeah he doesn’t do that, but he will fumble multiple times and leave a steaming pile of feces in your flex spot. Which one will show up? I don’t know. To further complicate things Charles Sims could be active this week …this ones for the adventurous type.

Theo Riddick – Bachelor number three is currently on a vacation (bye) and will not be available for your date until next week. The problem is no one knows if he’ll still be date worthy in a week. I’d wait to hear more regarding Reggie Bush‘s status before jumping in with both feet, but he’s worth a stash.

Carlos Hyde – Bachelor number four is an up and comer. He’s been working in the mailroom for a little bit, but everyday he’s closer and closer to that promotion. So ladies hitch your wagon to this cart now, cause you could be in the penthouse before you know it. He’s a great buy for everyone looking for something long term. I know we’ve been talking about him for months but the other shoe is going to drop soon. I have no idea if it will be the Frank Gore Rest shoe or the Frank Gore Injury shoe, but one of them will drop.

Christine Michael – Bachelor number five is a strapping young buck who makes all the ladies swoon. He’s got quite a few admirers in the fantasy community, but still has no “official” job. Everyone is going crazy over 4 carries and 12 yards. I know your response already. “But Ralph he’s going to be the starter next season because Marshawn Lynch.” If you’re in a keeper league, sure now is the time to grab him. He’s still not an add in 12 team redraft leagues.

Lorenzo Taliaferro – Okay, I’m going to quit the bachelor thing, because it’s getting too real. Pretty sure that Lorenzo Taliaferro is the most perfect name for a Blind Date contestant ever…..Oh yeah football! Okay, so Bernard Pierce was inactive and Zo (that’s what the kids call him) got 7 carries and 3 looks in the passing game. Oh BTW he scored two touchdowns on 69 total yards. Just a small tidbit. A detail really…..So, What does all this mean? Nothing! You know why? Because, Justin Forsett still got 17 rushing attempts and 5 looks in the passing game. That’s why! Look, I think he had a good game. I also think that he’s securely ahead of Bernard Pierce, But mostly I think he had a lucky week. I wouldn’t expect a repeat performance any time soon.

Fuzzy Handcuffs 

These guys are fun, fun, fun! Not for everyday use but good to own, and a blast when they’re in the mix. We may wish for a bit more run but have to accept that they’re splitting time and getting the most of their opportunities. Most of these handsome devils could probably be studs if given the chance.

Standard Issue Police

Whether you’re in the back of a squad car or sitting on the corner while the Po-Po search your whip, you’re going nowhere. Do you know why? Because those things are locked on your wrists with a death grip. Much like those cuffs, these running backs are firmly locked into their positions. Not for a lack of ability, but because the starters are firmly entrenched in their roles. These backs could have value on any given week but more than likely you’ll need an injury to make these guys startable.

Duct Tape Cuffs

These are of the homemade variety, you’ll use them in a pinch (i.e the starting stud goes down) but they’re always in your drawer (wavier wire) ready to step in and do their job. It may be to the bare minimum degree but they can buy you some time.

Thanks for reading and Happy Handcuffing!

Don’t forget to send me all your Running Back Questions on twitter @ralphlifshitzbb.