Happy Patriots Schadenfreude Day!

Yesterday we had a little bit of everything, didn’t we? After voluntarily waking up early for a Colts-Jaguars game in London, I wondered: What happened to my life that would make me do such a thing? I mean, you’d think after all we’ve done for the United Kingdom over the years, they’d have the courtesy to be on the same time zone. And we had plenty of expected outcomes like my Chargers once again clutching a loss from the jaws of victory, the Browns being their usually Brownsy selves, a boring Sunday night primetime game, Cam Newton concussing (a word?) himself again, and, of course, DeAndre Hopkins showing us where all hope goes to die. And then something… majestic happened, something rare. (Some say it only happens once a decade…) But we, as a nation, for the first time this season, witnessed the first Patriots loss of the year. And it was to the hapless Bills. What a time to be alive. In fact, both (or one, or none, who knows?) of the Ryans coached a defense that shut out the Patriots for the first time since 2006, and the first time in New England since 1993. Seems good. But as someone once said, you don’t know the sweet unless you’ve tasted sour. The sour? The Rams and Raiders, the current and former Los Angeles football teams, are currently in playoff contention. One team is coached by Jeff Fisher, and the other by Jack Del Rio. Soak that wierd sh*t in for a second…

Blake Bortles – 19/33, 207 YDS, 6.3 AVG, 2 TD, 96.4 RTG and 7 CAR, 36 YDS, 5.1 AVG, 1 TD. When you deliver a representation of your national pastime to a foreign land, it’s always wise to send the finest examples available for obvious reasons. So we sent Blake Bortles. By the way, isn’t ‘Bortles’ a British euphemism? “Ello gov’ner! I say, old chap, I was chuffed to the stuffins that old codswalloper started tingling my nardlings! And I said, ye old bean, good show, good show. But when she started Bortling, I nearly clotted in my jagura!” Sorry, I learned how to speak football in Olde English from this.

Drew Brees – 23/36, 206 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 74.5 RTG and 4 CAR, -4 YDS. Drew Brees had a pretty mediocre day, then again, I would take a mediocre Drew Brees with cerebral palsy over Ryan Fitzpatrick, for sure.

Jacoby Brissett – 17/27, 205 YDS, 7.6 AVG, 86.2 RTG and 4 CAR, 23 YDS, 5.8 AVG. BRISSETT LOSES THE BISCUIT! Sorry, always wanted to say that. Just now.

Jamaal Charles – 2 CAR, 7 YDS, 3.5 AVG. This Kansas City offense is predicated on sustaining horrible injuries for small gains, I guess.

Kirk Cousins – 21/27, 183 YDS, 6.8 AVG, 3 TD, 1 INT, 116.5 RTG. Kirk Cousins is, was, and always will be who we thought he was. Except when Browns are at maximum Browns. Then the calculus changes just a bit.

Isaiah Crowell – 15 CAR, 112 YDS, 7.5 AVG, 1 TD and 3 REC, 22 YDS, 7.3 AVG. We replaced the entire Washington front defensive seven with Folgers crystals… the difference was not immediately apparent until Crowell was given the ball.

Ezekiel Elliott – 23 CAR, 138 YDS, 6.0 AVG, 1 TD and 1 REC, 19 YDS. This Elliot guy might have a future in his chosen trade, but is trying his hardest to be the next star Cowboys running back who burns out in four years.

Ryan Fitzpatrick – 23/41, 261 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT, 53.0 RTG and 2 CAR, 5 YDS. I was curious to see if Fitzmagic would beat last week’s score of -1238. And he did everyone. He did. I think it was -1237 this time.

Joe Flacco – 32/52, 298 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 1 TD, 83.7 RTG and 1 CAR, 1 YDS, 1 TD. Flacco was elite today, and by elite, I mean he played like Alex Smith. They are both elite in their own way guys.

Michael Floyd – 3 REC, 36 YDS, 12.0 AVG, 1 TD. All these passes to Floyd (in a contract year, mind you) turn into drops… He’s gonna look great in a 49ers uniform next year it feels like.

Will Fuller V– 7 REC, 81 YDS, 11.6 AVG, 1 TD. Hopkins is putting up zeroes, but Will Fuller is wrecking sh*t… What a time to be alive. It’s times like when you might realize that the secret to eternal happiness is to have enough fantasy teams so that no matter what happens in a game, it benefits you in some leagues. That’s what I’m telling myself if I’m a Hopkins owner.

Blaine Gabbert – 16/23, 196 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 91.9 RTG and 12 CAR, 27 YDS. Odds of seeing Commie Kaepernick at some point this season?

Melvin Gordon – 19 CAR, 36 YDS, 1.9 AVG, 2 TD and 6 REC, 43 YDS, 7.2 AVG. My ex-girlfriend had a nice pair of melvins. Just saying. Also, did you know that our projections were just a half-point off on Gordon? I mean, they were pretty legit on a lot of the other players, but half a point? Give Rudy some melvins!

Jimmy Graham – 6 REC, 113 YDS, 18.8 AVG. The Jets secondary didn’t exist apparently.

Tim Hightower – 4 cAR, 11 YDS, 2.8 AVG. Hey, Tim Hightower is still around! There have been so many ex-Washington running backs in the NFL, it’s nice to catch a glimpse every once in a while. They should have a club probably. Normally it’s called AARP, but we could always use more.

DeAndre Hopkins – 1 REC, 4 YDS. Is Deandre Hopkins dead or is he getting quadruple teamed? I can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Allen Hurns – 2 REC, 47 YDS, 23.5 AVG, 1 TD. My God! Bortles actually threw to Hurns! What is happening? Quick, someone call Sean Hannity!

Mark Ingram – 18 CAR, 57 YDS, 3.2 AVG, 1 TD and 6 REC, 49 YDS, 8.2 AVG. What? I’m still stuck in the timeline where the Chargers defense is utter a**? I was really hoping to escape that, but I guess that’s too much to ask from these eleventy million beers…

Dontrelle Inman – 7 REC, 120 YDS, 17.1 AVG, 1 TD. Inman got in, maaaaaaaan. So let’s talk about the fact that Inman had seven catches and all the other receivers had nine for 88 yards… There was the fact that Tyrell Williams (5 REC, 40 YDS, 8.0 AVG) went down for a little when he looked to be your “USAA Chargers Gone For The Season Due To Injury” player of the game, but he did return a few plays later, so actually this was just the way the Saints were defending against the pass. They took Travis Benjamin (4 REC, 48 YDS, 12.0 AVG) away by using the linebackers to disrupt all the slants Ken Whisenhunt swears by. That’s also why Gordon and Hunter Henry (4 REC, 61 YDS, 15.3 AVG, 1 TD) were both a big part of the passing game. Will this continue? Hard to say with them giving away another win in the fourth quarter and all these infinity beers I drank, but I’d say no. Rivers likes to spread the offense out, and some days, he just takes what he’s given. The bible taught him that. The bible taught him everything, actually.

Chris Johnson – 6 CAR, 34 YDS, 5.7 AVG. Why is the wrong Johnson getting snaps here? WHY.

Duke Johnson Jr. – 9 CAR, 53 YDS, 5.9 AVG, 1 FUM and 6 REC, 31 YDS, 5.2 AVG. Is there a secret clause in the NFL rulebook that says the Browns have to just randomly give the ball away if they hold the lead at any point in a game?

Julio Jones – 12 REC, 300 YDS, 25.0 AVG, 1 TD. I told you Jones would do this yesterday.*

*I never said that.

Matt Jones – 22 CAR, 117 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 1 TD and 2 REC, 21 YDS, 10.5 AVG. I could tell you about Matt Jones finally breaking out a bit, but watching a Washington game is like that Interstellar movie where you get too close to a blackhole and you age 50 years in three hours.

Case Keenum – 18/30, 266 YDS, 8.9 AVG, 2 TD, 111.2 RTG and 3 CAR, 14 YDS. Case Keenum needs, like, a five step windup to get off a 30+ yard throw. I mean, at what point do they just sign a catapult or trebuchet?

Travis Kelce – 5 REC, 23 YDS, 1 TD. I haven’t seen Chiefs get treated this bad since Andrew Jackson.

Jeremy Kerley – 6 REC, 88 YDS, 14.7 AVG, 1 TD. Dallas defense came unbuttoned there in Levi’s Stadium yesterday. (Should’ve sprung for the zipper fly.) Regardless, I hope Jeremy Kerley becomes a broadcaster so he can have an interview series called “Kerley Qs”. *Farts, leaves room.*

Marcedes Lewis – 1 REC, 12 YDS. NEWS FLASH: Bortles passed to someone other than Allen Robinson (5 REC, 55 YDS, 11.0 AVG, 1 TD). Haha, just kidding, he wouldn’t do something like that.

Andrew Luck – 27/42, 234 YDS, 5.6 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 84.8 RTG and 4 CAR, 23 YDS, 5.8 AVG. Are we to the point where we throw in the towel on Luck? I mean, he’s good, and can be really really a little bit better than good… and can certainly put up the numbers… but the Colts aren’t winning any championships with him, right? I mean, I’d like to see the front office throw some money at the defense, or the offensive line before I adopting that stance, but I mean, c’mon, they haven’t done that in the last 20 years…

LeSean McCoy – 19 CAR, 70 YDS, 3.7 AVG and 6 REC, 38 YDS, 6.3 AVG and 1 TD. I see the Bills and McCoy served up a little appetizer portion of Patriots schadenfreude… don’t mind if I do!

Cam Newton – 14/25, 165 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 1 TD, 89.6 RTG and 5 CAR, 30 YDS, 6.0 AVG. Newton left near the half with another concussion (which makes 28 so far this season). I hope it’s okay, but more importantly, I hope this doesn’t affect his press conference status in the future. Based on Week 3 and Week 2, I’ve got $50 on “tricorner hat” for his postgame outfit next week…

Brock Osweiler – 25/37, 254 YDS, 6.9 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 82.5 RTG and 1 CAR, 14 YDS. Seems like Brock Osweiler is actually really-really, uh, one, two… really (gotta get three in there) bad, turns out.

Carson Palmer – 23/36, 288 YDS, 8.0 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 86.3 RTG, 1 FUM. Carson Palmer is a less talented Peyton Manning during the weeks last season when Manning didn’t know he was a corpse yet.

Dak Prescott – 23/32, 245 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 2 TD, 114.7 RTG and 5 CAR, 3 YDS. DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK.

Terrelle Pryor – 5 REC, 46 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 1 TD and 1 CAR, -6 YDS. Why do teams even bother passing against Washington? I’m pretty sure this is the worst run defense in the history of the universe. Yes, I know what hyperbole is.

Jordan Reed – 9 REC, 73 YDS, 8.1 AVG, 2 TD. I like how the Browns decided not to cover Jordan Reed at all. Seemed like a sound strategy yesterday.

Matt Ryan – 28/37, 503 YDS, 13.6 AVG, 4 TD, 1 INT, 142.0 RTG and 4 CAR, 14 YDS. Matt Ryan had a hell of game yesterday, no doubt pleasing all his fantasy owners who had him on the bench while starting someone else.

Alex Smith – 30/50, 287 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 81.0 RTG and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. Alex Smith is the last item on the value menu of quarterbacks.

Steve Smith Sr. – 8 REC, 111 YDS, 13.9 AVG, 1 TD. I thought Steve Smith retired.

Tyrod Taylor – 27/39, 246 YDS, 6.3 AVG, 1 TD, 94.6 RTG and 5 CAR, 28 YDS, 5.6 AVG. I’m pretty sure this is the Bills and Taylor’s version of winning the Super Bowl, right?

Kevin White – 6 REC, 55 YDS, 9.2 AVG. I’ve seen some label Kevin White a bust and calling for Ryan Pace to be fired. That’s fine, I totally get the frustration… it’s been a rough decade to be a Bears fan, I know that especially as a Chargers fan, but it’s hard to label White a bust when they don’t even seem to include him in the offense. The tougher label would be trying to figure out which fanbase is more reactionary and prone to panic, the Bears or Cubs.

Russell Wilson – 23/32, 309 YDS, 9.7 AVG, 3 TD, 133.5 RTG and 5 CAR, -5 YDS. Russell Wilson rehabs better because Jesus-bubbles and abstinence.

Jason Witten – 7 REC, 47 YDS, 6.7 AVG. Iron Liver Witten, God bless him.

T.J. Yeldon – 14 CAR, 71 YDS, 5.1 AVG and 4 REC, 46 YDS, 11.5 AVG. What the Colts run defense doesn’t have in talent, they make up for with poor decision-making and execution. And we’ll have to see how Chris Ivory (8 CAR, 29 YDS, 3.6 AVG) changes the dynamic here. The snap counts may even up a bit next week, but if Yeldon can establish this going forward, you could see this slowly becoming his job… but I’m not holding my breath.

 

Final Thought