Greetings! Tis I, Beddict, and I’m gonna drop some serious Bangerz on you today. Sky stole my breaking bad idea, so I suppose my version will have to drop on TeholBeddict.com. Drop by if you want to witness some hot solo jerk sessions and some life changing mankini shots. Back to Sky: I mean the guy is on season 4 for the God’s sake, and he has the balls to drop a breaking bad special on that ass and ask for no spoilers? Ok, think Tehol, think! Is there anything in this incredible universe more fascinating than the greatness that was Breaking Bad? After pulling my hair out and choking the chicken a couple times, it hit me! MILEY. Is it the Salvia smoking, the charmingly boyish haircut, the boner inducing twerking, or is it the blindingly white skin that almost makes Dakota Fanning look African American? We all know Miley’s super producer Mike Will is tagging and bagging that scrumptious pasty pancake ass. I mean, he’s got to be right?!? God dammit,  I wanna be him, and that’s probably the first time I’ve ever wished to be another human being. I’d literally kill to bang my wrecking balls against that lurid, smooth skin. Speaking of wrecking balls, that’s my favorite song of Cyrus’s new album, which I listened to on my flight to Maui Thursday morning, specifically for the purpose of writing this prized piece. What I’m doing here is going through Miley’s song titles from her most recent album, Bangerz, taking a quote from them and placing the players under the songs I see fit for them after this last week. As per usual I will be breaking down the targets and touches for players that stood out to me. Oh and one more thing: It slipped my mind that last season my post’s were called ” Hard Targets” not “Targets and Touches,” so that’s coming back as well. I can feel your excitement from my hotel room, where I have two washed up models feeding me grapes and waxing my body for the big shoot tomorrow. When I say “shoot,” I don’t mean money shot, for this is not a porn. Only if I come upon dire straights will that happen. Dear Sky,
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should’ve let you win.
Yeah, you, you wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
Yea, we are gonna dive in, balls deep into Miley’s lyrics in this post. Take Heed!
Track 1- Adore YouÂ
Boy, I adore you
I adore you.
Jerome Simpson- 7 receptions for 124 yards on 11 targets. One of my all time favorites has been the most pleasant surprise in Minnesota this season. Matt Cassel recognizes the realness. One is know as Moose, the other, donkey, and I don’t believe it’s because he’s stubborn. Swang them sticks fellas. Sword fight! Jerome, I adore you. I always have. Even before the flip. Decent WR 3 going forward.
Knowshon Moreno- 12 carries for 78 yards with 1 TD and 1 reception for 13 yards on 1 target. Obviously the best fit for the Denver lineup of all 3 of their backs and I think he finishes with the best numbers barring injury. No, or should I say Know, I don’t think Ball will ever overtake him this season. Witness
Not my favorite Miley track on the album but still, everyone has those players they adore, and these are 2 of mine.
Track 2- We Can’t Stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night?
Can’t you see it’s we who ’bout that life?
Le’Veon Bell- 16 carries for 57 yards with TDs and 4 receptions for 27 yards on 5 targets. Oh Le’Veon is definitely about that life ya’ll. The backfield in Pittsburgh is Bell’s for the foreseeable future and when I say foreseeable, I mean like 10 years. RB2 from this point. The man can’t stop.
Track 3- SMS (BANGERZ) (feat. Britney Spears)
Bangerz (bangerz), f*cking bangerz (bangerz)
Bangerz (bangerz), f*cking bangerz (bangerz)
Bangerz (bangerz), f*cking bangerz (bangerz)
Bangerz (bangerz), f*cking bangerz (bangerz)
Bone-chilling lyrics, eh? Yea, these two men below are F’ing banging out stats at a clip only matched by Adrian Peterson, if you don’t count the game Bush missed with injury. Their ability to catch the ball is what makes them 2 of the 3/4 most dangerous running backs in the league today. I told someone to start Murray over Bush last week and I feel terrible about it. Never again. Start every week. MF’n bangerz yo.
Jamal Charles- 18 carries for 65 yards and 5 receptions for 62 yards with a TD on 11 targets
Reggie Bush- 18 carries for 139 yards with 1 TD and 4 receptions for 34 yards on 6 targets.Â
Track 4- 4×4 (feat. Nelly)
He don’t understand what he’s doing to me
Deep down inside like a pitbull in heat
These 2 vets got me all like a pitbull in heat. I thought they had fallen off harder Pauly Shore but I was dead wrong. Start these visionaries each and every week. I’m sure you were already, but hey, sometimes we need positive reinforcement.
Frank Gore- 20 carries for 153 yards with 1 TD and 0 receptions on 2 targets.
Arian Foster- 27 carries for 102 yards with 1 TD and 6 receptions for 69 yards on 8 targets
Track 5- My Darlin (Feat. Future)
It’s in a love you need to show fast
Plenty odds are running out of time
Can someone explain to me how this Future dude is stealing money from the industry? Like, how is this possible? I truly don’t get it. However, this Miley quote on the song Future is featured  breaks down what CJ2K needs to do. “Show Fast.” The numbers were obviously ugly considering Jackie Battle out gained him but that’s a tough Jets defense. Hey, if it makes you feel better, great. If not, just keep praying for a score.
Chris Johnson- 15 carries for 21 yards and 2 receptions for 10 yards on 2 targets
Track 6- Wrecking Ball
Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
Truly one of the 2Â most beautiful, meaningful, songs I have ever listened to. THISÂ is the other one. I suggest you listen to it. I will always want David Wilson to be great. The question is: Can he be? Great may be too strong of a word. How about just middle-of-the-road average? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK DAVID?!??! It happens this week against Philly. Trust me.
David Wilson- 13 carries for 55 yards and 2 receptions for 8 yards on 3 targets
Track 7- Love Money Party (feat. Big Sean)
In a one night stand then one that ain’t for me
Giving too much cause you hate that you loveÂ
Everything that he do and you can’t deny you want him
So what, light a fire underneath this bitch and blow
Light a fire under these 2 beeeiiitches and blow yo. Woods looks a steal in the 2nd round for Buffalo and a man that should be rostered, even in 10 team fantasy leagues. If Stevie Johnson is banged up, Woods immediately becomes the number one wideout. Though this could actually hurt him, now drawing the opponent’s top overall corner, I say Woods rises to the challenge. If McFadden is out, start Jennings. They literally have no one else and he’s toting it anywhere near the goal line, plus he can catch the rock.
Robert Woods- 1 carry for 13 yards and 4 receptions for 80 yards with 1 TD.
Rashad Jennings- 14 carries for 45 yards and 8 receptions for 71 yards on 8 targets
Track 8- #GETITRIGHT
I feel the thirst pouring out of me
The things that I wanna try
That echoes in my head
This is the first time I get to see
Things I’ve never seen in my life
You make flowers grow under my bed
Damn girl, that shizz is deeper than the abyss. I was hoping Ray Ray and Dougie Fresh would make flowers grow under my bed this season but that’s not the case thus far. I’m kidding. I didn’t have Doug Martin in my top 8 on any board and didn’t understand the insane love he was getting. Glad he’s not on my team. On the foot, Ray can get it done all day and I think that begins this week. Enjoy his reemergence.
Ray Rice- 5 carries for 17 yards and 0 receptions on 1 target.Â
Doug Martin- 27 carries for 45 yards and 3 receptions for 16 yards on 4 targets.Â
Track 9- Drive
 You told me you were coming back, right back
You promised it was real and I believe that
But if I fall for it again, I would be a fool
If our love is at the end, then why do I still want you
YOU PROMISED ME MAURICE! You told us all on live telecast that you were past the injuries and back to your old self. You and Roddy both lied to my face. Why don’t you just bang my girlfriend while you’re at it. It would certainly sting less than this does. Still, you must start him this week against a horrendous Saint Louis run defense but if it doesn’t happen this week it may be time to look for another running back or just give up on your season altogether.
Maurice Jones-Drew- 13 carries for 23 yards and 1 reception for 5 yards on 1 target
Track 10- FU (feat. French Montana)Â
Only two, ooh ooh letters to choose
One of them is F and the other one is U
Tavon Austin- 2 receptions for 6 yards on 8 targets. That didn’t really happen did it? Austin looks minuscule out there and when you add in the fact that he can’t see to beat anyone downfield, you have a serious problem. Congrats Saint Louis. You’ve officially drafted a bust.
Michael Bush- 0 carries for 0 yards 0 receptions on 0 targets. Remember when this guy actually served a purpose in life? DROP.
Austin Pettis- 5 receptions for 59 yards on 9 targets. PLEASE GET OFF THE FIELD!! This guy is the definition of below average. The mere site of him makes me cringe and want to pimp slap Jeff Fischer. Don’t own him on your fantasy team please.
Golden Tate- 3 receptions for 17 yards on 5 targets. More like Golden Taint. Another week, another worthless fantasy performance. His numbers will be a little better going forward but nothing to write home about from prison to your girlfriend who you thought was loyal, who’s really getting smashed by your best friend.
Track 11- Do My ThangÂ
Tony and Jimmy J both went F’ing ‘rangatang on the opposition last weekend and I for one, loved it. Graham looks like he’s gonna break some records this year, though I’d be surprised if opposing defenses did even more going forward to stop him. Tony G had his breakout performance and even had 2 Patriots not letting him off the line of scrimmage, as they felt he was the Falcons only real threat out there. They were right. Roddy White is an absolute disgrace right now.
Tony Gonzalez- 12 receptions for 149 yards with 2 TDs on 14 targets
Jimmy Graham- 4 receptions for 100 yards with 2 TDS on 4 targets
Track 12- Maybe You’re Right
Felt the pages now, this chapter’s doneÂ
Moving on up and forward onto all that will become
Maybe Cleveland was right in letting this dump truck go for a first round pick. Needless to say, I’m not impressed so far. I still really like the fit and see T-Rich getting many more short yardage touchdowns throughout the year. He may even lead the AFC when it’s all said and done. His Cleveland Chapter’s done but this Indy one is just beginning. I’d like him even more if he could get his moronic owner to shut his ignorant mouth for a couple days.
Trent Richardson- 20 carries for 60 yards with 1 TD
Track 13- Someone Else
We cried we lied
Cannot pretend to change the fact
That what we had could make us feel alive again
Hold me close, don’t let me go, I hope
Tell me that now is not the end
Uhhhhhhh, what the hell is going on with Stevan Ridley? I’ve mad sacrifices to the elder God’s in hopes of receiving a reason for his ineptitude. I have yet to get one and frankly, I can’t recommend starting Ridley right now unless you have a starter on a bye obviously. To me, it’s one of the crazier story lines of the season. People expected Vareen to be used quite a bit but he’s been hurt as you know. Now we have the scrubs, who I won’t even name, punking Ridley for his cornbread. What an absolute joke.
Rashard Mendenhall is done. Pick up Ellington, who will be more useful weapon shortly.
Stevan Ridley- 11 carries for 53 yards and 2 receptions for 26 yards on 2 targets.
Rashard Mendendall- 12 carries for 21 yards 3 receptions for 13 yards on 4 targets
Tell me that wasn’t one of the most marvelous fantasy football pieces you’ve ever witnessed? What? You hated it? Oh well, I’m on Maui giving these dark, oily models the hammerhead. I’ll get over it. Please follow on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47, where you can read my thoughts on life and we can converse in real time through the power of the world wide web. As per usual your comments and questions will be responded to with high efficiency. Last week, a couple questions came in real late before the afternoon games and I missed them. If I let anyone down, I will forever hold myself responsible and try with every last ounce of my soul to repay you. Together, we can win this thing. F*cking Bangerz.
