What does Mike Wallace look like?!! Do I look like a [email protected]? Don’t answer that question. Just read my thoughts on these selected players and get yourselves some playoff victories this week. You’re saying “What, no long, obnoxious intro this week? What, no 300 word opening paragraph for me to skip over this week?” Say “WHAT” again! I dare you. I double dare you!
Mike Wallace– 7 receptions for 112 yards and 2 touchdowns on 11 targets. The demise of Mike Wallace was greatly exaggerated as even I, Tehol Beddict, once a strong believer of the nubian prince, doubted his hunger for greatness. Maybe ‘Big Ben’ had a chat with him in a bathroom stall and really laid out how things were going to be from now on. Let’s hope rufilin was not required. The Cowboys secondary is banged up so start MW with confidence. Confidence and rufilin, two things that can take you far in this world.
Stevie Johnson– 6 receptions for 71 yards on 8 targets- It’s been a semi-quiet season for “lil” Stevie but the man is still a fantasy factor. You may be afraid to start this fascinating young man and understandably so, considering he will be watched exclusively by the number one shut down corner in the league this week, Richard Sherman aka “The Shermanator.” You can’t sit here and tell me there is one better. Just try and thou shalt be stricken down in a furry of verbal arrows. Then again, Johnson is the one man I’ve witnessed take on and beat Derrelle Revis like a drum repeatedly. I’d be nervous but unless you have a better option you’re stuck with him. When I say a better option, I mean message me on here and seek my approval before doing anything to cray cray.
Torrey Smith– 1 reception for 21 yards on 3 targets. What’s this? Old man Boldin taking all the fantasy glory away from my brother from another mother, Torrey Smith? I’m outraged and disgusted. I feel like I just saw ‘Godzilla‘ in theaters again. You know the hellacious motion picture with Matthew Broderick? Yes, I was plastered when I saw it, but the few times I’ve attempted to watch on television didn’t end well, proving that even when I’m incoherently wasted, I make wonderful decisions, such as walking out of Godzilla.
Like John Goodman after wolfing down four california burritos, Smith is about to explode. Not out of his rectum, but statically if you didn’t catch my drift. I highly suggest you be a part of it.
Roddy White– 9 receptions for 117 yards and 1 td on 11 targets. If I did’t know better I’d say White was having a horrible year. I had my stat boy check the numbers for me while I was blowing a line and I was shocked when given the totals. After rubbing my gums and vacuuming my Grandma’s apartment, I decided to give ‘Hot Rod’ some love on ‘Hard Targets.’ He will be overjoyed I’m quite sure of it. The holes in the Giants secondary have been penetrated on a more consistent basis than that of even Lindsay Lohan. Make sure Rod is inserted in your lineup.
Rod Streater– 4 receptions for 100 yards on 7 targets. Like President Obama, Denarius Moore is quickly falling out of favor with the American public. This boy Streater goes deep. Not Hugh Grant Deep. I’m talking Greg Oden Deep. Yes, he has a little trouble holding onto every ball thrown his way, but it seems crazy Carson has faith in the man. I’m not 100 percent sold by any means, but if you’re facing injuries, you could do worse than starting Streater agains the Chiefs this Sunday.
Darren McFadden-11 carries for 52 yards and 2 receptions for 12 yards and 1 td on 4 targets. Heeeeee’s back! Kind of anyway. DMC showed a little burst against Denver, a team he used to own, this past Thursday, and is in line for a couple solid match-ups these next two weeks. Like having sex without a condom or having sex with a prostitute, it’s always a risk starting Mcfadden. Sometimes the outcome is orgasmically glorious and sometimes you end with an incurable STD. What I mean by that is DMC could easily drop a dud or he could break two 80 yard td runs. Please practice safe sex. Try the Lambskin.
Chris Johnson– 19 carries for 44 yards and 3 receptions for 15 yards on 4 targets. I don’t know how many times I’ve pointed out the questionable play calling of the Titans, but I’m really starting to get angry. Angry to the point where I almost chocked my chicken last week. How do you not get Johnson involved in the passing game?! This has been going on for years and it truly disgusts me. That along with the fact, that the offensive line was only able to help get CJ 44 mother F’ing yards on 19 carries! AGAINS THE COLTS??? Quick, name me 4 defenders on the Colts. If you’re like me and had to start Johnson last week, I’m assuming you lost but if you squeaked out a victory there is still hope. I can see him getting stuffed by the Jets but it’s a risk you’re gonna have to take friends.
Bryce Brown– 12 carries for 6 yard and 2 receptions for 6 yards on 4 targets. Ummmmmmmm, that was cold blooded Bryce. I mean really, was that necessary? I know Tampa has a good run defense, but are they really THIS GOOD? After contemplating homicide, I’ve decided to give Brown another chance this week. Who am I kidding? There is no forgiving a goose egg in the playoffs and as another literary legend, Tupac, used to say: “That’s the realest sh!t I ever wrote.” Did I mention I hate thursday games? Are they not always horrific? I’m at my wits end, and my innocent chicken is taking the brunt of my anger.
Jason Avant– 7 receptions for 133 yards on 12 targets. Now we know what was holding down the great and powerful Jason Avant. Michael Vick, Donvan McNabb and Kevin Kolb. After being completely irrelevant his entire 35 year football career, Avant finally showed us what he’s truly capable of. Avant looked so focused on some of those grabs that I would bet my life he was on about 85 milligrams of adderall. Speaking of adderall, why don’t these morons just go to a doctor and get prescribed? It’s truly not that difficult. Trust me, I’ve been manipulating doctors for 30 years. This is the first and only time I expect to see Avant in one of my posts. Don’t start him. Don’t even think about it.
Jonathan Baldwin– 0 receptions for 0 yards on 2 targets. Here is a guy I predicted would have a nice season. Here is a guy who has proved me an imbecile yet again. Take into account these numbers are without Bowe in for much of the game, making them even more grotesque. Knowing this, I still have Baldwin as my ultimate desperation play this week. KC is playing the atrocious secondary of the Raiders, Bowe is out, and if times are tough I say throw Baldwin in there, close your eyes, get on your knees and pray for points.
As always thanks for reading and shoot me your questions on here or Twitter as they will be responded to within a matter of hours, sometimes minutes. Congrats on making it this far and good luck. Beddict out.