Welcome back, my Lovelies! Here we are again fresh into a new NFL season. I have to take a
minute to brag because I managed to squirt out wins in all of my leagues this week. It was no easy feat, but I am the Goddess of Fantasy Football, so I suppose it was expected. How did you fare this week? I see that my Black Widow Curse did not waste any time this season and began to feast upon collarbones in Week 1. It rather scares me as to what it has in store for the rest of the season. I own Alshon Jeffrey in one league, so I am sure that means he will be decapitated at some point, given his propensity toward injury. It is almost like he is inviting it in. I am a glutton for punishment, I suppose, but I am used to others paying for it.
For those of you new to my dungeon, welcome. The cover charge is waived for you this week. I
will be here for the remainder of the season week after week to bring you the latest on who
you should pick up and who you should drop like a ten-dollar hooker. I focus on the lesser
knowns, because, you know, everyone deserves a little attention, no matter who they are. So, keep that in mind before you decide to make comments about why I am spitting out the wisdom that I am. So, ladies and gents, convicts and felons, without further ado, I give you, Hit it or quit it, Week 2.
A.J. Brown, WR, Tennessee Titans
I bet you thought this was going to be an article about that other Brown who seemed to take up a lot of the news this past week. Although I could have jumped on the bandwagon, it goes without saying that he should’ve been drafted already. Although I do not like that he is one of my Pats now, there is nothing I can do about it. Anyhoo, back to why we are here. In Week 1, AJ Brown saw four targets, which netted him 100 yards in the Titans Week 1 win over Cleveland. Now, granted, it was Cleveland. Where birds fly upside down because there is nothing worth shi**ing on, but I digress. Brown saw most of the workload and led the team in yardage, despite seeing fewer snaps. He showed his strength and managed to avoid a number
of tackles. Owned in just 3% of most leagues, you want to get your hands on this virgin…err,
rookie (sorry, common mistake) before the word gets out. Expect to see his name popping up a lot this week. Go on, Sugarplum…Hit it.
Malcolm Brown, RB, Los Angeles Rams
As we continue our journey to Brown Town, our next stop is Malcolm. Brown rushed 11 times for 53 yards in the Rams Week 1 win against Carolina. He also contributed two touchdowns. Sure, I know that Gurley is the HBIC, and sure, he sees most of the workload, but Brown, along with Darrell Henderson, are the ones who are doing the finishing off. It’s a pretty sweet deal. Let someone else do all of the work while you get to reap the rewards. I like it! With the Rams looking to limit Gurley’s use early in the season, Brown does show some standalone value. If you needed any more ammo, he also is a desirable handcuff. At just 13% owned in most leagues, you can get freaky with this one. Hit it, Jellybean.
T.J. Hockenson, TE, Detroit Lions
To all of my faithful, you know that I do love me a good Tight End. They tend to be fewer and father between, but this season may get freaky with it. In their Week 1 matchup with Arizona (which ended in a 27-27 tie…yawn) Hockenson went HAM and posted a 6/131/1 line. Some sports writers are comparing him to my beloved Gronkowski. There was some three way fighting when Jesse James managed to out-snap Hockenson, but he won the targets. With the Chargers up in Week 2, Hockenson is looking to have some T1 value. Mmmm, Tight Ends. I love ‘em, you need ‘em, so go on, Pumpkin…Hit it.
Dion Lewis, RB, Tennessee Titans
Two Titans in one article. Hmm, I don’t think that has ever happened in all of the years I have been doing this. Well, I am always up for anything, so why not? I am not going to lie, this one pains me a little bit. Not only is Lewis a Pitt grad, he is also a former Patriot, but how far he has fallen. I saw him play at Pitt and was at the game where he tore his knee. But that was then, this is now. In Week 1, Lewis was out snapped by Derrick Henry leaving Lewis with seven yards on three carries and three snags for six yards. He was targeted four times. Aside from the few looks he got from Mariota, he was pretty much wallpaper. The way it is looking right now, he is going to be fighting for whatever Tennessee decides to throw his way, and we all know how that works out…yeah, I am talking to you. I know what desperation has caused you to do. You
should be ashamed. There is a chance he will be of more use in Week 2, but as it stands now, it does not look like it. So, as much as it pains me to say this, move on and quit it.
Kenyan Drake, RB, Miami Dolphins
Wow, is all I can say about the pathetic display Miami put on in Week 1. Seriously, I have seen
awkward three-ways with more coordination than what went on Sunday. That being said,
Drake was held to just six touches all game and rushed four times for 12 yards. He was barely seen in the pass game and his limited touches do not do anything for his touchdown upside. If the Dolphins are playing from behind (yeah, buddy), he may see more work than Kalen Ballage (who out produced Drake in Week 1), but as it stands, Drake is nothing more than a low-end FLEX for Week 2. You are special. Your team is special, and you deserve the best you can get and someone who will perform for you. Honey, Drake ain’t it. Do yourself a favor, Pussycat,
Quit it.
Phillip Dorsett II, WR, New England Patriots
Well, here we are. The last one of the day. Not only is it a Patriot, which kills me, but I have
taken the train to Brown Town full into the station. See, Dorsett would not be on this list this week if it were not for Brown…Antonio Brown, that is. See, I told you we would finish the trip this week! I always keep my promises. Although the Steelers looked like the entire
organization forgot how to football this week (which could not have happened to a better
team), Dorsett had a nice game. He caught four passes for 95 yards and two touchdowns. A solid 23 points for some owners in most leagues. That is all about to change in Week 2 when Antonio Brown suits up. Expect Dorsett to fade into obscurity, although he may retain some handcuff value, and we all know how much I like handcuffs. Dorsett is looking to move down the depth chart. Given Brown’s propensity toward not managing his ego and a tendency to run his mouth a little too much on social media, there may be some hope for a re-emergence of Dorsett in the future. If Brown can manage to act like a normal human being, Dorsett has no chance at any value. I will leave this one up to you, Lovelies. But if it were me, I would wait a few more weeks then quit it.
Well, that is all I have to give you this week. I hope that I have freed up some holes for you to
fill next week. In all honesty, making moves this early in the season (unless your player is a
victim of the Black Widow Curse) is akin to premature ejaculation. However, I know what I am talking about, so I will leave it up to you. Love me, hate me, whatever, I am the one with the article. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 2 all and remember to save up bail money!
