Hi Lovies! I am so sorry that I had to abandon you all last week, but you know, I am in high demand. How are you holding up? Week 3 was good to Yours Truly, but I am probably facing arrest for assault, considering what I did in some of the matchups I had this week. Hey, there is no shame in being beaten (within an inch of your life, apparently) by a girl. Especially one as fantastical, amazing, and wonderful as me. See why I am in such demand? As if you even needed to wonder. It is understood that my Black Widow Curse continues to gorge herself on man meat this season, but rather than knees and hammies, she is aiming for shoulders, wrists, and ankles. Hey, she knows what she wants. Who am I to stop her? As long as she leaves my people alone…well, Alshon is a given. Call him my sacrificial lamb, if you will. Things you can always count on, the tides ebbing and flowing, the sun rising and setting, death, taxes, and Alshon Jeffrey hurt. (Sigh)…
On another note, the dungeon is up and running again thanks to a fresh hose down and a coat of paint. I am happy to see so many familiar faces back this year and you brought friends! The more the merrier. As always, the cover charge is waived for newbies. One thing, however, despite my reminding you all that I only focus on the lesser owned players in my Week 2 article, and I reminded you about making comments as to why I didn’t pick a guy who is 67% owned to write about, some still felt it necessary to offer their two pennies. Well, sweeties, save those pennies and invest in a Hooked on Phonics kit, because, darlin’, I told you what this is about from the start. Don’t make me toss you out of here. Now, with that out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks (or leather whips, whichever you prefer) and get on with what you came here for. Ladies and gents, convicts and felons, without further ado, I give you, Hit it or quit it, Week 4.
Wow, it only took me to Week 4 this season to talk about a Johnson. I must be losing my touch… I think we can all agree that the RB options this year are highly bipolar and to have one up on the chopping block is not a good sign of things to possibly come. In Week 3, Johnson rushed two times for two yards and added two receptions for 22 yards. That is a lot of 2’s, I just realized…weird. Anyhoo, this Johnson continues to come in from behind…Carlos Hyde that is, get your mind out of the gutter. Houston is going with Hyde, who had 10 carries for 19 yards in the run game. Johnson did show that he could break a thin membrane of tackles, and continues to show some potential, but whether or not that potential has a chance to harden, well, that does not look likely. With what is happening around him, Johnson is looking pretty small and is not showing a lot of testicular fortitude in lineups. The way he is used does not offer many owners room for satisfaction. I may take a pounding for this one, but go on, Junebug, castrate this Johnson and Quit it.
Wayne Gallman, RB, New York Giants
With all that castration and Johnson talk we just endured, I thought setting a lighter tone for my next pick was in order. I can envision some of you cringing and holding your jibbly bits right now, and I am not going to lie, I am rather enjoying it. I digress…Do you need a Running Back because the Black Widow Curse claimed yours? Do you NOT need a Running Back and just want to prevent that douche in your league from getting one he so desperately needs? Then, my friend, this next one is for you. In the Giants Week 3 matchup against Tampa Bay, Gallman rushed five times for 13 yards when the Black Widow Curse claimed Saquon Barkley. It is looking like Barkley will be out for the next few weeks with that high ankle sprain, so that leaves Gallman to fill those shoes. He should be considered a number one waiver pickup in Week 4. Do it, Buttercup. Hit it.
Tight Ends…you know I love them. I talk about them all the time and I am always trying to get my hands on a good one. Butthis week, I am suggesting something a little different. Leave this one alone. In Week 3, Cook put up a pathetic 1-7-0 line and only managed two targets. He even managed to drop a beautiful pass right to him from Bridgewater. Sure, in Oakland, he may have been a top target in the Raider’s passing game, but New Orleans is working is voodoo on Cook and as it stands, he remains scoreless this season with only five catches for a total of 69 (heh, heh, heh) yards. His TE1 days look to be over and he is barely a TE2 at this point. There is some cheaper and far better producing TE meat out there on the wire. Do us both a favor, Pumpkin, Quit it.
As we continue this tribute to the Black Widow Curse and her insatiable feasting, we land upon Parris Campbell. Thanks to the curse taking out T.Y. Hilton and his quad, Campbell had a chance to stand up and see what he was made of. What he was made of was three targets for 24 yards following Hilton’s injury. He’s had a pretty quiet season thus far and hasn’t really produced much, but that all has a chance to change. Quads are tricky. Curses are trickier. With the way players are dropping this season, at this rate she is going to need a hula hoop for a belt…ravenous bitch. Look, I don’t know what else to tell you. Take my advice or don’t. It’s your funeral. However, if I were you, I would Hit it.
Mmm, two TE’s in one article…I have something on my mind as I write this, apparently…I am hoping at this point you are sensing that this week’s article is essentially an homage to the Black Widow Curse and the opportunities she is offering with her feasts. Much like how a forest fire creates fertile soil or something like that. In Week 3, Knox caught 3-of-4 targets for 67 yards and a touchdown. In the first two weeks of the season, he was pretty much a no-looker (my word for less than attractive individuals), but then Tyler Kroft’s ankle met the Black Widow Curse, and voila! Do not forget Knox ran a 4.57 at the Combine and with that speed and his performance this past week, it is not hard to see him working his way to a full-time job. Depending on how long Eifert is out, or should I say depending on how long the Black Widow Curse desires for him to be out, this could really open the door for Knox. He should be considered a high priority waiver add this week. Do it, Doodlebug…Hit it.
Honorable Mention – Antonio Brown
Look, this is the last you are going to hear me utter this name. I have been sick and tired of his shenanigans for years, and this season has been a sh**show. I know people are still holding on to him because with the potential CTE and ego aside, he has talent and could be picked up somewhere. Nevertheless, with the legal woes, which could go on for years, and a potential suspension attached to those legal woes, why would you continue to let him take up space in your life? In all honesty, Brown has not been right since that Burfict hit and that is really saying something. Look, you are going to do what you are going to do anyway, but at this point, Brown is not only dead to me, he has now been ground up into Soylent Green. Please, everyone, for the love of all that is holy, stop with the Brown coverage and let us all quit it.
Well, that is everything I have to offer you this week. I hope it was worth the money and the awkward innuendo. I also hope that I was able to help you fill some holes, wherever they may be. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am the one with the article. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 4!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012