Good afternoon, ladies and gents, convicts and inmates, and all you sassy little pervs in between. It’s me, your gorgeous and ever so present Fantasy Football Goddess, here for your reading pleasure. How have you all been since my valiant return last week? I would expect your lives to once again have meaning and (for a majority of you) to have rekindled your passionate love for me. It’s understandable. I am one in a million. Quite a few of you seem to have remembered how awesome I am as per your comments section from last week’s article, and I thank you for all of the love. The season is crawling closer and, as promised, I am back to give you some more things to think about (other than picturing me in compromising positions). Are you as excited as I am? I doubt that. There is nothing I enjoy more than whipping men, in fantasy football, that is. But enough about me and what I enjoy doing in my spare time. Let’s cut the foreplay, turn those lights back down, bust out the “Cosby Cocktails” with a little extra sump’in, sump’in in them, and get down to business. Ask and ye shall receive, and what’s better than receiving, right? Here you go my loyal horde. Hit it or Quit it, Preseason Edition, Vol. 2.
Coby Fleener, TE, New Orleans – Week after week I am talking to you guys about moving on to better things, doing much better, and not settling for 5’s (right, Edelman?). Well, that’s just what Colby Fleener did and now not only are fantasy owners feeling their pants getting a little tight in the crotch area, but Fleener may be as well. When he was with the Indianapolis Colts, Fleener saw only about 80+ targets a year. Now that he will be playing with one of the best Quarterbacks (aside from my beloved Brady) that every walked the face of the Earth, he can expect to see, at bare minimum, 90-100 targets this year. Are you calling bulls**t on me? Well, back in the day, Jimmy Graham saw an average of 134 targets per year, and last season, Ben Watson managed to see 102, despite being one year away from having to take the little blue pill (not really, we are talking football years here…the dude is 35). Add on the chub factor of Brees’ starting Tight Ends have not seen below 1.15 fantasy points per target over the last five years, and well, ladies, you’ll be ringing out your panties in no time. If history is anything for us to consider, there is no reason to suspect that Fleener won’t finish with anything less than 120 targets. Do yourself a favor. Self-love is still love. Go on, whip it out and play with your Fleener. Hit it.
Lamar Miller, RB, Houston – Remember what I told you about Fleener? Sometimes, you have to drop trou and…oh, wait, that’s a whole different situation…what I meant to say was, sometimes you have to quit it, as this article reminds you on a weekly basis. But that isn’t just for our players. No. Sometimes the players have to quit it and move on to fresher meat. And just like Fleener, Lamar Miller may have just hit the jackpot and the pounding he has been taking may now be worth it. With Miller making the change to Houston, he is now working under a coach (Bill O’Brien) who is a BIG fan of the run game. Here are some other things for you to think about: Miller, didn’t have the opportunity in Miami for a lot of career work, so he is healthy (until my Black Widow Curse takes over) and with Houston being a run-heavy team, expect Miller to see some career setting highs this coming season. Okay, I know what you are going to say, “But oh beautiful one, what about your boy Blue and Jonathan Grimes? Couldn’t they going to cut into Miller’s time?” Sure, my lovelies, and you are right, last year Blue was my boy, and sure, if my uncle had tits he could be my aunt, but for now, Miller is looking like he is in line for a lot of work. If things change, they change, but for now, Miller should be looked at as an RB1 or RB2. Go on, you sexy risk takers. Hit it.
Carlos Hyde, RB, San Francisco – Okay, I know that you are all going to think that I am having some kind of mental lapse here, but hear me out. What if I told you that that Hyde has a serious shot at having a monster season this year? I know, he is about as healthy as Darth Vader without his mask on, but if he can stay healthy…errr, healthy-ish, then he will be working under Chip Kelly (ooooh, kinky). Don’t let San Fran’s monster schedule this year scare you away either. It is projected that Kelly is going to lean a lot on Hyde. At this rate, Hyde is looking to be an RB2 but don’t blow your load on him before Round 4 or so in standard leagues. Do it though. Take the risk. You know you want to Hit it
Jamaal Charles, RB, Kansas City – I hate you, Jamaal Charles. Well, not really, but you (and your rubber band ACL’s) have left me wanting season after season. Two blown ACLs in five years is more than this girl is willing to bet and believe me, I love a good challenge. Choosing to pick Jamaal Charles is the equivalent to wanting to have dinner with the Marquis de Sade, except with Jamaal, you just get the promise of dinner and a nice flogging. At least the Marquis delivers what he promises. Getting back to those blown out ACLs, you also know that we are talking about both knees, right? Yeah, both are blown out. I am a risk taker and I love inflicting sensual pain on others, I am just not a fan of my Fantasy players doing the same to me. Yet I let Jamaal do this to me over and over again. What’s the definition of insanity again? Truth is, with his age, those damn knees, and two other HEALTHY and more than capable backs ready to come in and do what he can’t, Charles’s days as that workhorse he once was, are sadly over. There are so many wonderful, fresh, young, and delicions…uh, healthy and upcoming breakouts, yeah, breakouts and young talent to choose from. With age may come experience, but it also comes with the chronic missionary position that is Jamaal Charles. Do yourselves a favor and cougar it up. Quit it.
Frank Gore, RB, Indianapolis – If you own Frank Gore or are excited about owning him, just stop reading this right now, go outside, and take a weed whacker to your Johnson. There, better? Damn right it is. Look, I am here to be honest with you and honesty (like a weed whacker to the Johnson) sometimes hurts. Like an old truck stop hooker, there are also a lot of miles on Gore, and he is not getting any younger. He just does not have the fantasy cache he once did, and that is okay. We all have to hang up our hit it’s sometime. If Indianapolis wants to win any games this year or put up any kind of numbers, it is going to have to come from Andrew Luck’s Amish beard and arm. What his Amish beard has to do with any of it, I don’t know. I just wanted to comment on it. On another note, Amish beards aren’t sexy, but I digress. Undoubtedly, there will be some schmoe in your leagues who is a numbers fool and will look at the last couple of seasons and expect the same from Gore. It ain’t gonna happen. Stop trying to force something that isn’t there anymore. The little blue pill isn’t even going to make this work again. Don’t be surprised if he completely falls into oblivion as the season progresses this year. Let some other schmuck take this pick off your hands, and that way, you have both to use to pleasure yourself as you win games because you Quit it.
Jimmy Graham, TE, Seattle – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. It was only a short 2 seasons ago, when I was the happiest girl on the planet, I grabbed Jimmy in the first round, and then everyone wanted my Jimmy for themselves. Oh, the trade offers I received based on my Jimmy alone…but now, Jimmy isn’t in New Orleans anymore. And Jimmy got himself a bum knee that, more than likely, won’t even be healed come the start of the season. If you have been living under a rock (and knowing some of you, that is a safe assessment) Graham tore his patella tendon; the tendon that connects the kneecap to the top of the shin. A pretty catastrophic injury, and one that takes forever to heal. It is considered an even worse injury than an ACL tear (cue collective readers’ gasps). I didn’t have Graham last year, so don’t even try to pin that on me. Truth of the matter is, the move to Seattle did nothing for Graham, and even before the injury, he didn’t look like he fit in the offense. Sadly, like an aging Lothario, Jimmy is still trying to hold on to the memories of his youth, when in reality, he may no longer be the player that he once was. Try to talk some fantasy football virgin into taking this one off your hands. Sure, it’s an evil thing to do, but oh so satisfying. I am sorry, but his is one Jimmy that I gotta Quit it.
Well, that’s it for this week. I know, I know, our time together goes so quickly. Maybe you can learn to hold out a little longer and give a girl a chance here? Eh, who am I kidding? I know how you are. It’s okay. I still plan on taking care of myself once all of your backs are turned anyway. In the meantime, stay the wonderful degenerate followers you are, because only I can love you for all your freak flag glory. Follow me, your fearless goddess on Twitter @Soxfan012, and I promise to not disappoint. Until next week, stay out of jail or at least have someone to cover your bail money. I know I do!