Welcome back, my lovelies! Once again, we find ourselves all cozied up together, commiserating on our busted a*s rosters, re-evaluating every life decision we ever made, wondering when we are going to get to receive, rather than continually bend over and take it raw week after endless week. Even the stalker in my bushes outside of my house is giving me a look of shame as he peers at me through my bathroom window when I shower. This has to be, by far, one of the wackiest Fantasy Football seasons I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of, and I have done some questionably wacky things in my day (hey, it was college and I needed the money). Anyhoo, I digress… well, let’s get down and dirty with what I know you are all waiting for, Hit it or Quit it, Week 9.
Jace Amaro – Yeah, okay, it is Week 9, and if you are looking for a TE at this stage of the game, you are pretty much dumpster diving on the waiver wires at this point. It’s last call and your beer goggles wore off about two weeks ago, I get it. So why are we here, you ask? Well, like that possibility of getting lucky at the bar at 2 AM when the lights come on, we have some players left amongst the burning garbage which offer some flashes of potential. Yeah, it’s the Jets, but hey, Jace Amaro is showing some potential, and let’s face it, we are all desperate as f*** at this point. Amaro caught five passes for 51 yards in Week 8 and his biggest play was a 20-yard catch in the first half. He also managed to come up big in Week 6 against Denver, roping in 10 catches and a TD. Sure, the wide open drops make him dicey, but what guy doesn’t have stage fright when faced with something wide open? And he’s a rookie… keep that in mind. If Smith or Vick can come to realize that Amaro is reliable for the most part, and can only get more confident from here, then expect big things. Only 5% owned in most leagues, Amaro is a solid TE2. Don’t be a baby, nab up this Virgin, make him yours and Hit it.
Jonas Gray – The Pats are really hurting at this point and Brady, although still one of my favorite QB’s to be playing the game, doesn’t really have a lot of options right now. Enter Gray. Rushing 17 times for 86 yards in the Pats Week 8 win over the Bears, Gray is looking to be the Pats between-the-tackles runner. Gray also picked up four touches before Vereen even saw the ball. Overall, Gray out-touched Vereen 10-4 on the Pats’ first two drives. Gray has also pretty much wiped out Brandon Bolden’s chances at being the “big back.” With Vereen still being the HBIC, look to Gray to be creeping up, ready to take over that spot, potentially. Remember though, the Pats have Denver in Week 9, but after that, their schedule becomes easier than getting a handy in a whorehouse. Get your willies ready… Hit it.
Theo Riddick – Those of you who are not getting any of the Bush should definitely put of for the Chronicles of Riddick. No, I’m not talking about the sh** movie with (swoon) Vin Diesel. I am talking about Theo Riddick. Making a name for himself the past three weeks as a dangerously sexy pass catcher out of the backfield, Riddick is making lots of men forget about the importance of Bush, Reggie that is, and focus on other things. Catching 8 of 12 passes for 74 yards and a TD in Week 8 against the Falcons, Riddick is showing that as long as Bush is out, there is a new bitch in town. With not a lot of speed or power, Riddick does make up for it with a really nice pair of hands and good eyes. And as long as Bush is out, Riddick will continue to see his share of the work. With Calvin Johnson slated to return soon, owners should have no reason to fret that this will have any impact on Riddick and what playing time he will see. Just 2% owned in most leagues, Riddick is a solid PPR play and a valuable flex option come playoff time. Forget about Bush for a second, minimize those porn windows and Hit it.
Charles Sims – Ok, yeah, I know the guy is on IR right now, but I have to toss this one in there. He is eligible to come off the IR/recall list this week, and you should jump all over this one, if you have the chance. Look, Doug Martin is pretty much expendable at this point and reportedly teams have already approached the Bucs about Martin ahead of the trade deadline. In walks Sims. A third-round Rookie, Sims is expected to have a major role down the stretch and is a must own in 12-team leagues right now. Owned in just 7% of most leagues right now, you need to jump all over this kid and stash him until he is active again since he has a 7% pickup rate in the past day alone. Trust me on this one, Sims is a sure thing and you will be offering to wine and dine me later. Don’t be a prude. Listen to me and my magnificent breasts on this one, Hit it.
Martavias Bryant – Fast developing into the number two receiver for the Steelers, Bryant has now shown that Markus Wheaton was not what we wanted, and there is a new hottie in town. Ok, I am not a Steeler fan, despite living in the wonderful city of Pittsburgh, but as a disappointed Wheaton owner, I am now looking to get out of this relationship, and Bryant may be my way to do that. Catching 5 of 7 targets for 83 yards and two touchdowns in the Steelers Week 8 win over the Colts, the 6 foot 4 Bryant has now seen seven catches for 123 yards and three TDs in two games. Only about 7% owned in most leagues, Bryant is looking to be a solid and touchdown heavy WR4. Wheaton, it just isn’t working out. It’s not me, it’s you. I am all over this… Hit it.
Dwayne Allen – Despite only drawing 2 targets in the Colts Week 8 loss to the Steelers, Allen made them count and really drove it home by making one of those a TD from Luck. The score, which was Allen’s sixth of the season, puts him on pace for 12 at the season’s midway point. Allen also looks to be on point for 44 catches and 652 yards on the season. 74% owned in most leagues, I have no idea why more owners are riding this Colt. Need a Tight End? Hey, we all do, am I right? Jump all over this stallion and Hit it.
Andre Williams – With Rashad Jennings not being sure if and when he is coming back from his MCL sprain, the Giants are in a sorry state of affairs right now. Rushing 18 times for 51 yards in Week 7, Williams did nothing but disappoint us again, and guys, I have educated you all about the ills of disappointing a woman. The Giants had an initial plan to feature Williams fairly heavily, but rushing only 35 times for 100 yards and zero TDs in two games as a starter, Williams really has nothing much to offer anyone at this point. Guys, for the 100th time, women like a man who can perform and who does not disappoint. Like a shitty blind date, and before its too late, Quit it.
Larry Donnell – It is with great pleasure that I can add Donnell to my Quit it list. After being absolutely destroyed by Ralph Lifshitz in our Razzball Writer’s Fantasy League because of Donnell a couple of weeks ago, this makes me happy. Sure, I am still traumatized and still healing from the massive trauma that I suffered, and I am sure Lifshitz is proud of that notch in his belt, but Donnell is still sitting on his roster, so there’s that. Donnell caught seven passes for 90 yards in the Giants Week 7 loss to Dallas. Sure, that’s nice and all, but it was the two fourth quarter fumbles and his past two relatively quiet games that make it a pleasure to add Donnell to my list. The fumbles will cost him, as we all know how Coughlin feels about that. The Giants were on a bye for Week 8, so I am curious to see what happens in Week 9. For me though, Donnell was a two-pump chump. Quit it.
Andre Holmes – Two Andres in one article? I’m crazy like that! Like the title of this weeks article suggests, this Andre ain’t no John Holmes. Ok, you can’t blame him, he’s a Raider for one. Securing 5 of 7 targets for 69 (hee hee) yards and a TD in the Raiders’ week 8 loss to Cleveland doesn’t sound that bad, right? WRONG! Holmes continues to run routes on the perimeter with Kenbrell Thompkins, but he had a solid gain down the sideline negated after he was flagged for offensive pass interference and offered no other numbers against the Browns. He managed to save some of his 42% owners who actually had the balls to start him when he had a 10-yard garbage time TD. The Raiders take on the Seahawks in Week 9, but honestly, you can do so much better. You deserve someone who loves you for you and who will pull their weight in this relationship. Move on to bigger and better things. He’s nothing more than a WR4/5 at this point on a team with absolutely no game at all. Quit it.
Mohamed Sanu – Sanu caught 5 of 9 targets for 125 yards and rushed twice for 27 yards in the “Bungals” Week 8 win over Baltimore. Sanu has been doing a decent job filing in for AJ Green while he is out having his toe sucked…wait, what? But with Green due back in Week 9, much to my happiness, and playing against Jacksonville (ok, I think I just orgasmed there) Sanu is looking like he won’t be of much more use. He’s pretty much a WR3/4 option right now anyway. If you can sell high on him, do it now before word gets out that my love, Green is due back in Week 9. Sorry, Mohamed, you were a rebound Hit it. Now that my bae is set to return, I gotta Quit it.
Hakeem Nicks – The only shocking thing about this is that Nicks is 26% owned in most leagues. Why? Okay, I get it, even the ugly girls need love too, but all it does is get their hopes up and we end up having to admit that we hit it at one point. The shame all around is overwhelming. Nicks caught 1 of 6 targets for 27 yards in the Colts Week 8 loss to the Steelers. Nicks started in place of an injured Reggie Wayne but was easily replaced by Donte Moncrief as the game wore on. Nicks was blanketed by one of Luck’s two picks and is currently on pace for an impotent 36/336/4 line. Seriously, I get that you have a soft spot in your heart for the less fortunate and I get that not everyone can be as beautiful and sexily desirable as yours truly, but come on, guys. You know that this is going nowhere. Please, for decency’s sake, Quit it.
Well, there you have it, my lovelies. Week 9’s Hits and Quits all in one, beautifully sexy article. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Follow me on Twitter for all of my sports knowledge throw-downs, general musings, and overall awesomeness. Until next week…