I haven’t seen a Carr get sacked like that since I rubbed my nuts all over the hood of my ex’s new boyfriend’s Civic…

For your own notes, I was also considering “Carr Trouble” as the title of today’s recap, but I figured I’d just go full year 2000 (Y2K baby!). Raiders quarterback David Derek Carr left with a back injury suffered late in the third quarter versus the Broncos yesterday and did not return, forcing Jack Del Rio to ask “Is this Carr still covered under the manufacturer warranty?”. Look guys, the automobile puns are endless, so just deal. So now that the E.J. Manuel experience began anew yesterday, I guess this means I can’t read any Raiders hot takes for the next week or so. Granted, 2-2 is not a terrible record when you’ve played three of your first four games on the road, but I doubt the fans will see that. As SON said on this past-week’s pod, their time is now (adding Marshawn Lynch and the top-dollar money thrown at the team’s high-profile offensive line, both Cooper and Crabtree on the roster, etc.) and losing your starting quarterback, even if he is an Alex Smith clone with Joe Flacco eyebrows, is a playoff killer. Del Rio did tell reporters that his back injury did not seem serious, officially labeled as “back spasms” and that Carr’s set to go next week, but a quarterback playing through a back injury? Let’s ask Tony Romo about how he feels about that. Regardless, this is the weirdest week of football I’ve seen in a while (since last week), so let’s get those GIFs, hot takes, and other relevant (more like irrelevant) content into your laps! (Because where else should content go? RAWR.)

Top Plays in GIFs: Jay Cutler attempts to sell this Wildcat play while smoking a cig.

“This is normally the time I wake up on weekends to take a sh*t.” – Jay Cutler, on that play.

Top Plays in GIFs: Drew Brees fumbles snap, recovers ball.

Truth be told, I didn’t tune into this game until close to the half and it was 0-0. Guess that’s to be expected with these two defensive powerhouses. There were just 33 first downs between both teams by the way. The last time Europe saw stagnant offenses like that, it was at the battle of Verdun.

Hot Takes: London is Calling!

  • All of my fellow East coasters, imagine seeing Terry Bradshaw’s face at 6:30 AM on the West Coast every Sunday and tell me what you’d do.
  • And why do they let Bradshaw do the half-time show highlights anyways? Pity? Dark wizardry? Does he have dirt on the producers?
  • That was an odd choice to have Ed Hochuli reffing the game in London considering guns are banned in England. Also surprising? He’s not wearing a barrister’s wig.
  • It’s actually pretty offensive that the NFL sent New Orleans over to London… it’s like saying: “We took over more French territory than you guys and we didn’t even have to fight for a hundred years to do it! Losers!”

Top Plays in GIFs: Ben Roethlisberger connects with rookie wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster for the touchdown.

“Would you like to change your name to JuJu Junior? Your friends can call you JuJuJu!” – JuJu Schuster-Smith, to his son someday.

Injury Report: Please Make it Stop… PLEASE.

  • Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones exited the game after suffering a hip injury and he did not return to the game against the Bills… it’s as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror “Julio!” and were suddenly silenced. Receiver also Mohamed Sanu exited the game due to a hamstring injury and there was nothing but silence.
  • Minnesota Vikings rookie running back Dalvin Cook suffered a non-contact knee injury in the second half against the Lions and was quickly ruled out by the team. NFL Network Insider Ian Rapoport and Tom Pelissero reported the Vikings’ initial diagnosis indicates Cook suffered a torn ACL. Too bad, I thought this Dalvin Cook guy might be as good at football this season as he is at getting away with assault.
  • Tennessee Titans quarterback Marcus Mariota injured his hamstring in the team’s loss against the Texans. Mike Mularkey says Mariota will undergo an MRI later today. Matt Cassel‘s return is so close, I can taste it. Tastes… a little mediocre.
  • Wide receiver Michael Crabtree, who is dealing with a lung bruise, did not play against the Denver Broncos. Receiver Marquise Goodwin was made questionable after sustaining a concussion. Strangely enough, Amari Cooper didn’t have an injury excuse for not being active yesterday.
  • Running back Chris Carson was carted off during the fourth quarter with what coach Pete Carroll later called a “significant” ankle injury. This is what I get for loving something again.
  • Buffalo Bills wide receiver Jordan Matthews exited the game against the Falcons after suffering a thumb injury. Funny, with the way he drops passes, I just assumed he had been playing through a thumb injury his entire career.

Top Plays in GIFs: Cam Newton hits wide receiver Devin Funchess for a 16-yard touchdown.

Carolina had bunchess of Funchess all over the field at Gillette Stadium.

General Hot Takes Part 2: 2 Hot 2 Furious, Hot Take Drift.

  • When does O.J. start tweeting? Over/under one week?
  • Sean Lee was out yesterday. Guess I’m paying taxes this year as well.
  • CBS announcer Ian Eagle pronounces his name “EYE-an” Eagle. I bet he corrects people a lot. And I bet nobody cares.
  • I wish I hated the Steelers less so I could laugh at the Ravens more.
  • Atlanta Falcons lost in the house that Graft built
  • There are 32 NFL teams and I accept complaints about officiating from 31 of them. I’ll let you figure out which team is left out of that equation. COUGH Patriots COUGH.
  • This is honestly looking to be one of those seasons where there are only like two good teams, 14 putrid teams, and everyone else just looking like that spot just below mediocre.

Top Plays in GIFs: Todd Gurley tries to defy gravity on 17-yard run.

Ray Rice would have punched that in for a first down, amirite folks?

Top Plays in GIFs: Jared Goff connects with wide receiver Cooper Kupp for a 24-yard gain.

If the Rams found another player named Goff, Jared could make the back of his uniform read Ja.Goff. Just wanted to share that.

Top Plays in GIFs: Dak Prescott lofts the deep pass to Dez Bryant who hauls it in for 36 yards.

I actually just learned that Dak Prescott’s name is Dakota…

Hot Takes: What Are They Wearing?

  • I am surprised by how much the Rams mismatched uniforms bother me…
  • And why did they change helmet to white but keep gold and tan on uniforms? It looks like a kid was allowed to self-dress for the first time.
  • Obviously, the Rams can’t be called “The Greatest Show on Turf” anymore, so maybe “The Greatest Show that No One Saw So You Can’t Prove It Actually Happened” could be their new name?

Top Plays in GIFs: Bilal Powell takes through the middle and is not called down.

Jacksonville’s offensive line has more holes in it than the plot of a Michael Bay movie. Also, who replaced Bilal Powell with a running back?

Hot Takes: A Tale of Two Football Teams In One City, Sucking Terribly.

  • The Jets snatched defeat from the jaws of a tie yesterday, and still ended up with a victory. I haven’t seen anyone overcome Gangrene like that since Joe Lister pioneered antiseptic medicine.
  • I’m not actually sure how they won… I honestly haven’t seen the Jets perform that poorly since my last Malaysian Airlines flight.
  • I figured the only thing that could make the Jets look somewhat palatable was the Jaguars ineptitude, and that was still pretty iffy.
  • Fun fact! Did you know that yesterday’s 75-yard TD run by Bilal Powell (shown above) is the longest ever in Jets history? That explains a lot. And before you ask, I don’t know what their passing record is because every time the Jets complete a pass, it feels like a mistake.
  • And why are the Giants playing like the Jets are supposed to be playing?
  • Should the Giants just tank the rest of this season? Well… I guess when your record is worse than the Jets, maybe you already are? After all, the most 2017 thing about this season thus far is that the Jets have double the wins the Giants do.

Top Plays in GIFs: Philip Rivers shows frustration after play-calling miscommunication on fourth down.

I’m with you. If we’re going down, we’re going down together.

Top Plays in GIFs: LeGarrette Blount’s 68-yard run against the Chargers.

Time to find out what happens when a Stoppable Force (2017 Blount) meets a Movable Object (Beginning of time-2017 Chargers’ Defense).

Hot Takes: My Weekly Chargers Therapeutic Outburst! 

  • The Eagles Defense: Quality defensive line, barely serviceable linebackers, and even rumored to have a secondary.

  • Stubhub looks like the practice field in Madden Football.
  • Chargers versus the Giants next week! A game set to determine which fan base gets to quit for the year first!

Top Plays in GIFs: Kenny Britt sprints 26-yards after seizing a pass from quarterback DeShone Kizer.

That Kizer is on a… roll? (Farts, drops mic, leaves room.)

Hot Takes: Skyline Chili Edition!

  • The Bengals score like me in high school.
  • But at least the Browns put things in perspective yesterday for the now 1-3 Bengals and their fans. It can always get worse!
  • The Browns are 2-28 in their last 30 games. That record the Browns hold is impressive in its futility (which I believe historians also said about the defense of Tenochtitlan against the Conquistadors).
  • You know what? I think we can do this. I think the Browns are set to go 0-16.
  • Bonus Grudenism! THESE BROWNS, I CALL EM THE ANTICHRIST, BECAUSE THEY ARE AN UNHOLY ABOMINATION THAT BRINGS DESTRUCTION AND SUFFERING UPON THE EARTH.

Top Plays in GIFs: Ezekiel Elliott scores second TD of game, gives ball to mom.

You can tell Zeke is a stand-up guy because he has a biblical first name.

Fantasy Football Hot Takes!

  • The Chicago Bears have made a quarterback change and have decided to go with rookie Mitch Trubisky starting with next Monday night’s game against the Minnesota Vikings, benching Mike Glennon until he is signed before Colin Kaepernick by some other team. #GiraffeLivesMatter.
  • How come Jamaal Charles only gets just like four touches a game when I finally own him in fantasy?
  • Coincidence that I just put Marqise Lee on waivers literally eight hours ago? I think not.
  • Jimmy Graham, zero touchdowns so far this season… that’s how the Graham cracker crumbles? Also, he played basketball!
  • Jameis Winston (22/38, 332 Yards, 3 TDs) effed up the Giants like they were a drunk, vulnerable college girl at a block party.
  • Fantasy should include a punter position. Just saying…

Top Plays in GIFs: DeAndre Hopkins is able to get both feet in bounds on a 21-yard pass from Deshaun Watson.

In Week 4, Deshaun Watson turned into a mix of God, Superman, He-Man… and Randall Cunningham.

Top Plays in GIFs: Russell Wilson can’t get his pass off in time, gets taken down for safety.

Trump will be tweeting about that Russell Wilson kneeling more than once during the game. Disrespectful of the game! Sad! #MAGA.

Sunday Night Football Hot Takes. More Sweater Vest Than Costas!

  • What variety of drugs did the person that scheduled the Colts and Seahawks match-up for national television have access to? I would like to try some…
  • The Seahawks have a bizarre offense. They try to play smash-mouth football with a finesse-type offense, all with an offensive line that can’t do either.
  • Should we have a pool for how old Adam Vinatieri will be when he retires? I’m gonna say 67…

THE Top Play in Week 4: Blair Walsh misses four practice field goals during the half.

The Blair Walsh Project. They never get out of the woods because they keep wandering off to the left…

 

 

  1. Elliott says:
    (link)

    Brutal weekend, I lost Cook and Carson and was hoping to get some input on patching up my team.

    QBs – Roethlisberger, Alex Smith
    RBs – Doug Martin, Peterson, Burkhead, Charles
    WRs – Brown, Dez, Sanders, Cobb, Tyrell Williams
    TE – Kelce

    Waiver wire RBs – Ivory, Collins, Breida, McKinnon, McGuire, Morris, Booker, Gallman, Aaron Jones

    I’m 3-1 so probably not going to get someone who could help me right away. Who do you like out of that bunch? Also, what RB would you try to target in a trade? I’m likely going to have to give up a WR or even Kelce to get anything worthwhile in return…

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Elliott: Brieda might be worth a pick up. And I’d aim for something low cost and somewhat stable. Lynch, Miller, Murray, etc.

      • Elliott says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Do I win either of these trades?

        Trade away Dez/Kelce for Fournette/Ebron
        Trade away Kelce for Gillislee/Ebron

        His other TE is Henry and the best waiver wire TEs are Jesse James, Watson, ASJ, Gates

        • Elliott says:
          (link)

          @Elliott: Olsen too, but not back till week 9 at the earliest

          • Jay

            Jay says:
            (link)

            @Elliott: Yeah, it depends how badly you need a RB. If needed, I think it’s fair. If it’s just depth, I would hold in both cases.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @Elliott: hmm, I think you win the second one, but barely. I’d prefer to keep Dez there.

  2. Randall Cunningham says:
    (link)

    Buying low on Crowell and or Cooper? Was thinking about trying to make a move on these guys.

  3. Jake says:
    (link)

    Is Letavious worth burning # 1 waiver wire claim on ? Rawls,and Prosiece is out there as well seems like a group of rb 3,s to me but would like to kniw if any if these are must owns ? Thanks

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Jake: Meh, I’d probably take a gander at Rawls now that Carson is done.

  4. Roger that says:
    (link)

    Greetings & happy Monday man!
    I’m going to need some good vibes if I’m going to pull off a win on MNF!

    Any who, .5 PPR league I lost Carson which RB to target for on waiver wire Wednesday out of: Rawls, mckissic, gallman, foreman, Aaron jones, CJ prosise, latavius Murray, jerrick McKinnon, Jamaal Williams, alf Morris, alex Collins.

    Next hold onto Paul Richardson or drop for Lockett ?

    Lastly in regards to the Vikings losing Cook would go with FA or keep it in house? Or a trade?

    Thanks man!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Roger that: Sup man! Good vibes sent!

      I’d say Rawls there. And sure, drop for Lockett, it’s lateral though, so I wouldn’t burn anything of value. And I’d keep it in house. With Bradford still ailing, honestly, not sure what they should do.

  5. Brent

    The Fantasy Dick says:
    (link)

    Lost DJ now Cook…..Gore is my RB1…LOL.

    I have Breida….do I grab Alex Collins? Lacy? (rawls is taken) Prosise? McGuire? Latavius? and someone dropped Jamal Williams..worth an add?

    Please put in order of preference. Thanks Jay

    TFD

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @The Fantasy Dick: Yeah, these injuries… I think adding Collins is fine.

      • Brent

        The Fantasy Dick says:
        (link)

        @Jay: I’m holding Alfred Morris a couple days until I hear about Elliott….I’m hoping for 6 games starting week 5…lol

      • Brent

        The Fantasy Dick says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Good call Kelvin Benjamin by the way. thank you

  6. Brent

    The Fantasy Dick says:
    (link)

    Would you drop Wentz for Watson? since I lost both my starting RBs…is watson worth a shot?

    my other QB is Cam

  7. Scott P says:
    (link)

    My team is pretty solid, but I lost Cook as well this week. He was my RB3 (played in my Flex spot) (behind Ajayi, Hunt). I have Mixon, Kamara and Fat Rob on the bench. I have Davante Parker and Tate as my bench WRs.

    Players on waivers include Smallwood, Rawls, Powell, Murray for RB and Kelvin Benjamin (dropped Sunday morning for Will Fuller), Marqise Lee, Moncrief and Funchess for WR.

    Right now, I’m leaning towards picking up one of the WR (Benjamin, probably as a Cook replacement.I’m 7 in waiver ranking. The league is standard scoring, non-PPR.

    Does that sound reasonable?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Scott P: Benjamin is okay, sure. I do like Rawls right behind him though.

  8. Nate says:
    (link)

    Howard or Ajayi ROS? I have Howard and wondering if I should try to swap or build a trade around these guys.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Nate: Ajayi, but it’s close enough to where you should just hold. Just seems too lateral.

  9. Tim says:
    (link)

    Hey man! .5 PPR league, w/ how bad Amari Cooper has looked & especially the horrid game vs Denver would you try to buy low or is he a bust for 2017? The Cooper owner also has Diggs would you rather shoot for Diggs instead? I was thinking Parker for Cooper or alshon for Diggs ? Secondly thoughts on adam theilen ? Would you offer Parker for theilen? Too much?

    Is demaryius a buy low candidate? I’d consider Parker + Smallwood

    My WRs are Keenan, alshon, doug Baldwin , Parker, hogan , decker, Paul Richardson, snead

    My RBs: Gordon, hunt, Abdullah, Smallwood, chark west & lost Carson. DJ is on my IR too

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Tim: I think buy low. I still like that team, but they need some work on the offensive side of the ball. The play-calling has been a bit terrible. I do like Diggs a lot there, could be a better buy low since draft day the cost was lower. I like both deals, just not the last one for Theilen.

      I like the DT offer too.

  10. JohnnyBeGood says:
    (link)

    Hey Jay! In 12 team PPR , would you trade away Duke J to get Kelvin Benj if it was offered to you ?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @JohnnyBeGood: Yeah, if you need a WR, that deal is fair and I’d do it.

      • JohnnyBeGood says:
        (link)

        @Jay: cool, Thx bud

  11. DT says:
    (link)

    b marshall or j crowder rest of schedule in PPR?

    • DT says:
      (link)

      @DT: Also, duke Johnson or Tarik cohen ROS in same PPR league? Thanks jay!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @DT: Marshall and Cohen here. And any time man!

  12. StevJ. says:
    (link)

    Would you trade D. Parker and J. Allen for Mixon? Lost Cook and Carson.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @StevJ.: I think it’s an overbuy, but not crazy. Seems like you have a hold at RB, I think you have to do it if there isn’t anything else out there.

  13. Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
    (link)

    doctson another victim of garbage NFL catch “rules”

    • Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
      (link)

      @Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey: oh yeah and with this new luck news trade brissett or mccown first in a 2 QB league? few days ago it sounded like luck would be out till at least nov, so brissett would start till at least end of week 8 (i need a backup to tyrod and rodgers through week 8, not as much after). now worried i trade mccown, luck is back in week 7 or so, iget guaranteed loss in week 8 with only 1 QB.

  14. StevJ. says:
    (link)

    Another trade question. Trying to find rb to replace Cook/Carson.

    Trade D. Baldwin/D. Walker/J.Allen for M. Gordon?

    WRs; K. Allen, D Parker, D. Jackson. K. Benjamin

    Thanks

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @StevJ.: All three for Gordon? I think that’s fair and your WR depth can take it… hate to lose Baldwin though, been high on him all year. But you need RB help for sure, so yeah, I’d do it.

  15. Noam Levenson says:
    (link)

    Hey Jay,

    Couple questions for you:

    PPR League
    1. Would you drop one of: Ginn, Kupp, Abdullah, J. White, or C. Thompson for Fuller, Kamara, or Aaron Jones?
    2. Is Kyle Rudolph droppable for Brate, or some other waiver wire TE (examples: Tyler Kroft, OJ Howard, Jared Cook, Ebron, Hooper)…
    3. Who are your top three Ds this week?

    Thanks a lot!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Noam Levenson: 1. Eh, I’d hold there. I like the guys you have. 2. Yeah, maybe Howard… I would just stream based on your favorite rankings from here on out. And on 3. Not sure yet… on first glance, I like Vikings, Seahawks and Eagles, but double check my rankings on Thursday.

  16. the imp says:
    (link)

    Do you recommend Watson or Wentz for a ROS ride while waiting for Luck in 12 teamer. l lfeel like I’m chasing points if I switch to Deshaun,but was probably doing the same when I picked up Wentz.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @the imp: I’d say Watson, I think he brings a little more to the table right now.

  17. TOGMAN says:
    (link)

    12 team half-ppr

    I was offered L. McCoy + A. Rodgers for Gurley. I’m 3-1 in 2nd place, most points scored.

    My team
    Palmer, Luck(IR)
    Allen, Fitzgerald
    Bell, Gurley
    Gronkowski
    W/R/T: Abdullah, Ingram, Smallwood, Gore, Foreman
    Hurns, Doctson

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @TOGMAN: Oh geez… I’d actually do it. I don’t like losing Gurley, but I feel this is a great deal for you. Especially in PPR.

  18. ryanoger says:
    (link)

    .5 ppr league lose Marlon Mack for Latavius, Aaron Jones, McKissic, or hold?

    • ryanoger says:
      (link)

      @ryanoger:

      Or I could lose Galloday instead?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @ryanoger: I think you can lose both, but I’d rather have Mack… and I think you go Murray there.

  19. Alfred E. Naujocks says:
    (link)

    12 team PPR. lost cook. have
    RB (2) hunt/lat murray/mckinnon (and he’s looked better all year long)/coleman/collins/T.west
    WR (3) DT/a.brown/parker/fitz/m.lee/macllin
    no flex
    drop m.leeor somebody else for lacy?

  20. ryanoger says:
    (link)

    Missed out on Latavius….lose Galloday for

    Lacy, McKissic, McKinnon, McGuire, Prosise, Morris, Jamaal Williams, or Breida?

    .5 ppr

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      I’d say Charles or Lacy. Hate saying Lacy so…

      • ryanoger says:
        (link)

        @Jay:

        Charles?

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @ryanoger: sorry, read that as Jamaal Charles… I was dreaming! Yeah, Lacy I think.

  21. goodfold2 says:
    (link)

    something’s going on with your posts and only your posts. my typing is slow, and when this page (yours only) is open it slows down my entire computer. been going on since probably late monday night. this problems doesn’t occur in any other razzball post though, odd. i’ve scrubbed the computer, cleaned the cookies etc. in any other place computer is just fine.

Comments are closed.