I haven’t seen a Carr get sacked like that since I rubbed my nuts all over the hood of my ex’s new boyfriend’s Civic…
For your own notes, I was also considering “Carr Trouble” as the title of today’s recap, but I figured I’d just go full year 2000 (Y2K baby!). Raiders quarterback
David Derek Carr left with a back injury suffered late in the third quarter versus the Broncos yesterday and did not return, forcing Jack Del Rio to ask “Is this Carr still covered under the manufacturer warranty?”. Look guys, the automobile puns are endless, so just deal. So now that the E.J. Manuel experience began anew yesterday, I guess this means I can’t read any Raiders hot takes for the next week or so. Granted, 2-2 is not a terrible record when you’ve played three of your first four games on the road, but I doubt the fans will see that. As SON said on this past-week’s pod, their time is now (adding Marshawn Lynch and the top-dollar money thrown at the team’s high-profile offensive line, both Cooper and Crabtree on the roster, etc.) and losing your starting quarterback, even if he is an Alex Smith clone with Joe Flacco eyebrows, is a playoff killer. Del Rio did tell reporters that his back injury did not seem serious, officially labeled as “back spasms” and that Carr’s set to go next week, but a quarterback playing through a back injury? Let’s ask Tony Romo about how he feels about that. Regardless, this is the weirdest week of football I’ve seen in a while (since last week), so let’s get those GIFs, hot takes, and other relevant (more like irrelevant) content into your laps! (Because where else should content go? RAWR.)
Top Plays in GIFs: Jay Cutler attempts to sell this Wildcat play while smoking a cig.
“This is normally the time I wake up on weekends to take a sh*t.” – Jay Cutler, on that play.
Top Plays in GIFs: Drew Brees fumbles snap, recovers ball.
Truth be told, I didn’t tune into this game until close to the half and it was 0-0. Guess that’s to be expected with these two defensive powerhouses. There were just 33 first downs between both teams by the way. The last time Europe saw stagnant offenses like that, it was at the battle of Verdun.
Hot Takes: London is Calling!
- All of my fellow East coasters, imagine seeing Terry Bradshaw’s face at 6:30 AM on the West Coast every Sunday and tell me what you’d do.
- And why do they let Bradshaw do the half-time show highlights anyways? Pity? Dark wizardry? Does he have dirt on the producers?
- That was an odd choice to have Ed Hochuli reffing the game in London considering guns are banned in England. Also surprising? He’s not wearing a barrister’s wig.
- It’s actually pretty offensive that the NFL sent New Orleans over to London… it’s like saying: “We took over more French territory than you guys and we didn’t even have to fight for a hundred years to do it! Losers!”
Top Plays in GIFs: Ben Roethlisberger connects with rookie wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster for the touchdown.
“Would you like to change your name to JuJu Junior? Your friends can call you JuJuJu!” – JuJu Schuster-Smith, to his son someday.
Injury Report: Please Make it Stop… PLEASE.
- Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones exited the game after suffering a hip injury and he did not return to the game against the Bills… it’s as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror “Julio!” and were suddenly silenced. Receiver also Mohamed Sanu exited the game due to a hamstring injury and there was nothing but silence.
- Minnesota Vikings rookie running back Dalvin Cook suffered a non-contact knee injury in the second half against the Lions and was quickly ruled out by the team. NFL Network Insider Ian Rapoport and Tom Pelissero reported the Vikings’ initial diagnosis indicates Cook suffered a torn ACL. Too bad, I thought this Dalvin Cook guy might be as good at football this season as he is at getting away with assault.
- Tennessee Titans quarterback Marcus Mariota injured his hamstring in the team’s loss against the Texans. Mike Mularkey says Mariota will undergo an MRI later today. Matt Cassel‘s return is so close, I can taste it. Tastes… a little mediocre.
- Wide receiver Michael Crabtree, who is dealing with a lung bruise, did not play against the Denver Broncos. Receiver Marquise Goodwin was made questionable after sustaining a concussion. Strangely enough, Amari Cooper didn’t have an injury excuse for not being active yesterday.
- Running back Chris Carson was carted off during the fourth quarter with what coach Pete Carroll later called a “significant” ankle injury. This is what I get for loving something again.
- Buffalo Bills wide receiver Jordan Matthews exited the game against the Falcons after suffering a thumb injury. Funny, with the way he drops passes, I just assumed he had been playing through a thumb injury his entire career.
Top Plays in GIFs: Cam Newton hits wide receiver Devin Funchess for a 16-yard touchdown.
Carolina had bunchess of Funchess all over the field at Gillette Stadium.
General Hot Takes Part 2: 2 Hot 2 Furious, Hot Take Drift.
- When does O.J. start tweeting? Over/under one week?
- Sean Lee was out yesterday. Guess I’m paying taxes this year as well.
- CBS announcer Ian Eagle pronounces his name “EYE-an” Eagle. I bet he corrects people a lot. And I bet nobody cares.
- I wish I hated the Steelers less so I could laugh at the Ravens more.
- Atlanta Falcons lost in the house that Graft built…
- There are 32 NFL teams and I accept complaints about officiating from 31 of them. I’ll let you figure out which team is left out of that equation. COUGH Patriots COUGH.
- This is honestly looking to be one of those seasons where there are only like two good teams, 14 putrid teams, and everyone else just looking like that spot just below mediocre.
Top Plays in GIFs: Todd Gurley tries to defy gravity on 17-yard run.
Ray Rice would have punched that in for a first down, amirite folks?
Top Plays in GIFs: Jared Goff connects with wide receiver Cooper Kupp for a 24-yard gain.
If the Rams found another player named Goff, Jared could make the back of his uniform read Ja.Goff. Just wanted to share that.
Top Plays in GIFs: Dak Prescott lofts the deep pass to Dez Bryant who hauls it in for 36 yards.
I actually just learned that Dak Prescott’s name is Dakota…
Hot Takes: What Are They Wearing?
- I am surprised by how much the Rams mismatched uniforms bother me…
- And why did they change helmet to white but keep gold and tan on uniforms? It looks like a kid was allowed to self-dress for the first time.
- Obviously, the Rams can’t be called “The Greatest Show on Turf” anymore, so maybe “The Greatest Show that No One Saw So You Can’t Prove It Actually Happened” could be their new name?
Top Plays in GIFs: Bilal Powell takes through the middle and is not called down.
Jacksonville’s offensive line has more holes in it than the plot of a Michael Bay movie. Also, who replaced Bilal Powell with a running back?
Hot Takes: A Tale of Two Football Teams In One City, Sucking Terribly.
- The Jets snatched defeat from the jaws of a tie yesterday, and still ended up with a victory. I haven’t seen anyone overcome Gangrene like that since Joe Lister pioneered antiseptic medicine.
- I’m not actually sure how they won… I honestly haven’t seen the Jets perform that poorly since my last Malaysian Airlines flight.
- I figured the only thing that could make the Jets look somewhat palatable was the Jaguars ineptitude, and that was still pretty iffy.
- Fun fact! Did you know that yesterday’s 75-yard TD run by Bilal Powell (shown above) is the longest ever in Jets history? That explains a lot. And before you ask, I don’t know what their passing record is because every time the Jets complete a pass, it feels like a mistake.
- And why are the Giants playing like the Jets are supposed to be playing?
- Should the Giants just tank the rest of this season? Well… I guess when your record is worse than the Jets, maybe you already are? After all, the most 2017 thing about this season thus far is that the Jets have double the wins the Giants do.
Top Plays in GIFs: Philip Rivers shows frustration after play-calling miscommunication on fourth down.
I’m with you. If we’re going down, we’re going down together.
Top Plays in GIFs: LeGarrette Blount’s 68-yard run against the Chargers.
Time to find out what happens when a Stoppable Force (2017 Blount) meets a Movable Object (Beginning of time-2017 Chargers’ Defense).
Hot Takes: My Weekly Chargers Therapeutic Outburst!
- The Eagles Defense: Quality defensive line, barely serviceable linebackers, and even rumored to have a secondary.
In NFL’s smallest stadium, seats are covered…wow pic.twitter.com/RA3kwV35EH
— Les Bowen (@LesBowen) October 1, 2017
- Stubhub looks like the practice field in Madden Football.
- Chargers versus the Giants next week! A game set to determine which fan base gets to quit for the year first!
Top Plays in GIFs: Kenny Britt sprints 26-yards after seizing a pass from quarterback DeShone Kizer.
That Kizer is on a… roll? (Farts, drops mic, leaves room.)
Hot Takes: Skyline Chili Edition!
- The Bengals score like me in high school.
- But at least the Browns put things in perspective yesterday for the now 1-3 Bengals and their fans. It can always get worse!
- The Browns are 2-28 in their last 30 games. That record the Browns hold is impressive in its futility (which I believe historians also said about the defense of Tenochtitlan against the Conquistadors).
- You know what? I think we can do this. I think the Browns are set to go 0-16.
- Bonus Grudenism! THESE BROWNS, I CALL EM THE ANTICHRIST, BECAUSE THEY ARE AN UNHOLY ABOMINATION THAT BRINGS DESTRUCTION AND SUFFERING UPON THE EARTH.
Top Plays in GIFs: Ezekiel Elliott scores second TD of game, gives ball to mom.
You can tell Zeke is a stand-up guy because he has a biblical first name.
Fantasy Football Hot Takes!
- The Chicago Bears have made a quarterback change and have decided to go with rookie Mitch Trubisky starting with next Monday night’s game against the Minnesota Vikings, benching Mike Glennon until he is signed before Colin Kaepernick by some other team. #GiraffeLivesMatter.
- How come Jamaal Charles only gets just like four touches a game when I finally own him in fantasy?
- Coincidence that I just put Marqise Lee on waivers literally eight hours ago? I think not.
- Jimmy Graham, zero touchdowns so far this season… that’s how the Graham cracker crumbles? Also, he played basketball!
- Jameis Winston (22/38, 332 Yards, 3 TDs) effed up the Giants like they were a drunk, vulnerable college girl at a block party.
- Fantasy should include a punter position. Just saying…
Top Plays in GIFs: DeAndre Hopkins is able to get both feet in bounds on a 21-yard pass from Deshaun Watson.
In Week 4, Deshaun Watson turned into a mix of God, Superman, He-Man… and Randall Cunningham.
Top Plays in GIFs: Russell Wilson can’t get his pass off in time, gets taken down for safety.
Trump will be tweeting about that Russell Wilson kneeling more than once during the game. Disrespectful of the game! Sad! #MAGA.
Sunday Night Football Hot Takes. More Sweater Vest Than Costas!
- What variety of drugs did the person that scheduled the Colts and Seahawks match-up for national television have access to? I would like to try some…
- The Seahawks have a bizarre offense. They try to play smash-mouth football with a finesse-type offense, all with an offensive line that can’t do either.
- Should we have a pool for how old Adam Vinatieri will be when he retires? I’m gonna say 67…
THE Top Play in Week 4: Blair Walsh misses four practice field goals during the half.
The Blair Walsh Project. They never get out of the woods because they keep wandering off to the left…