So yeah, I get it, the title is a bit overused in today’s parlance with the bizarre yet hypnotizing Adult Swim “horror-comedy-90’s sitcom” experience bringing the idiom back into style. Combined with the fact that I’d faint if you told me that this headline hadn’t been used by any other football writer before today when referring to Brandin Cooks (seen above with the 11-yard touchdown)… yeah, that saying’s been here before. But how apt! How meta I say! Because that’s exactly how I felt about last night’s prime time rematch of last year’s Super Bowl (did you know? You’d think they would mention that at least once last night!) that 95% of the Northeast tuned out of in the third quarter. There was some horror, some comedy, and of course Bill Belichek carries the whole 90’s sitcom vibe all by himself… but ultimately, it seemed to be a game that’d we’d all seen before and we were all the worse for it. And sure, while it might have been the Falcon’s gameplan all along, to give the Patriots a 23-point lead only to start a miraculous comeback of their own… problem was, the comeback never came and the Falcons looked about as good in the first three quarters yesterday as they did in the last quarter in the aforementioned Super Bowl. But there was fog! And lots of it! (I can’t find confirmation if it was coming out of Cris Collinsworth’s or Bob Costas’ mouth.) So instead of calling this a Super Bowl rematch, maybe we should call it the “Trent Green Bowl”? Kind of an “NFL’s concept” of what it’s like travelling through Trent Green’s head. You know, minus the purple bears and robot unicorns…

Hot Takes: With a Little Bit of, uh uh – and a Little Bit of, uh uh

  • A lot of people don’t want to see Roger Goodell’s contract as commissioner extended, but I might. As the NFL continues in its inevitable (but slow) decline (due to a lot of different factors), I want him to be the one who gets blamed as being responsible for it.
  • Thinking back, this was probably the most unexciting slate of Sunday afternoon games so far this season. Panthers and Bears was the best that the NFL could do?
  • The Vikings horn [Note: Sound] thing-a-ma-jig is really annoying since they do it for every first down. It would be like the Browns literally pooping on the field every play. (You got to save it for when it matters the most, at least that’s what I was taught.)
  • The Dolphins are just a big giant ball of suck, aren’t they?

  • Wish I could be lucky enough to catch some balls at a sporting event…

Top Plays in GIFs: Aaron Jones Runs for a 46-yard Touchdown.


Starlin Castro’s defense is so bad he could start for the Saints

Obligatory Injury Report: “When Does David Johnson Come Back Again?” Edition

  • During the second quarter, Carson Palmer took a big hit on a play and was declared “questionable” to return with an arm injury, but was later downgraded to “out”. After the game, Cardinals coach Bruce Arians stated that Palmer suffered a broken arm and is expected to miss eight weeks after surgery. This is why you invest in an offensive line.

  • Questionable to play in Sunday’s game because of a back injury, Mike Wallace lost control of the ball and lost his helmet after a vicious hit from Vikings safety Andrew Sendejo and remained down on the field and was ruled out for the remainder of the game. The injury leaves Baltimore with three receivers: Michael Campanaro, Chris Moore and Griff Whalen. Call me crazy, but someone named Griff needs to be on the Patriots, no?
  • After taking a hard hit, Jay Cutler was sent to the locker room and Dolphins coach Adam Gase stated that Cutler would undergo further testing this week to determine the extent of the injury. With the Dolphins playing Thursday night in Week 8, just a few days away, Cutler may not be able to play. I assume that Cutler just needs a pack of smokes and some Jack Daniels and he’ll be fine, but that’s just me.
  • Chris Hogan took a hard hit during a drive in the third quarter and came out of the game. He re-entered the game for the Pats’ first offensive series in the fourth quarter and is listed as “questionable” in Week 8.
  • An ankle injury sidelined C.J. Prosise during the first quarter of yesterday’s game, and he’s listed as “questionable” this week.
  • Delanie Walker‘s right leg was injured on a reception and he was clearly avoiding putting any weight on his foot. In his postgame remarks, Titans coach Mike Mularkey indicated that Walker suffered an ankle sprain.

Top Plays in GIFs: Davon House with the Impressive Interception.


When did the Packers acquire a secondary?

Fantasy Hot Takes: #LarryFitzgeraldMatters

  • Larry Fitzgerald (3 REC, 29 YDS, 3 TGTS) deserves to go out better than this.
  • Did anybody start Eddie Jackson (1 INT, 76 YDS, 1 TD) in any IDP leagues? No? Your loss.
  • Did someone tell Cam Newton (21/34, 211 YDS, 0 TD, 2 INT, 5-26 SACKS and 9 CAR, 50 YDS) the Bears secondary played like girls? Because he acted surprised that they knew about routes…
  • Reminder to self: “Self? Yeah, you handsome guy you: NEVER start Davante Adams (2 REC, 17 YDS, 3 TGTS) again this season. Under pain of catapult!”
  • If I see Jeremy Hill and Giovani Bernard take anymore touches from Joe Mixon next week, I’m going to rupture something important and vital.
  • Trevor Siemian (25/35, 207 YDS, 0 TD, 1 INT, 5-25 SACKS and 2 CAR, 14 YDS) is bad. I take back all the mediocre descriptors I’ve been using.
  • Matt Moore (13/21, 188 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT, 1-9 SACK) was an upgrade (sorta?) from Jay Cutler (12/16, 138 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT, 2-13 SACKS). Just way less fun.

Top Plays in GIFs: Eddie Jackson Gets the 75-yard Pick-6 on the Deflected Pass.

Hot Takes: Just a Little Bit of… Just a Little Bit of…

  • Cam Newton’s corollary to Newton’s Third Law? When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body, until the second body is slammed unceremoniously into the turf.
  • I’m actually not sure I can handle a world where this Bears team is effective at scoring defensive touchdowns. I’m getting unironic flashbacks to 2005 at the moment.
  • Especially since the Bears have approached offense like positive yardage is a quantum leap in innovation.

Top Plays in GIFs: Jimmy Graham Forgets How to Catch.


I think Jimmy Graham regressed to college there and was just trying to dribble the ball.

Hot Takes: It’s Gettin Hot in Here (SO HOT), So Take Off All Your Clothes

  • So with Chris Carson out, did you know that the rest of Seattle’s running backs suck? Because they do. They suck.

  • Ben McAdoo looks like a man who calls plays with the intention of maximizing his oxycontin sales in the post-game locker room.
  • Fun Fact! On September 20 all the way back in 1933, the New York “Football” Giants beat the Pittsburgh Pirates 23-2 and the very first score the Steelers Pirates ever made in their history was a safety. I don’t know why, but it makes sense.

Top Plays in GIFs: Drew Kaser with the Perfect 69-yard Punt.


Best. Punt. Ever.

Hot Takes: I Am Gettin So Hot, I Wanna Take My Clothes Off

  • By the end of the season, the most dangerous team is going to be the Chargers. They will have never had a home game, and they will be filled with seething rage. Or derp. I actually haven’t decided yet, but I’m leaning towards derp.

Bengals’ Fan: “Good luck today!”
Steelers’ Fan: “You too!”
Bengals’ Fan: “Here’s hoping no one gets hurt today for a change!”
Steelers’ Fan: “Or fined!”
Cardinals’ Fan: [Shoots self in face.]

  • Taken 4: Taken for a Ride. [Note: Sound.]
  • Josh McCown staying relevant remains the most inscrutable mystery of modern times. Next to Joe Flacco‘s eyebrows.
  • Brilliant coaching by Hue Jackson to build DeShone Kizer’s confidence back up by letting him start… and then yanking him midway through the game. SMH.

Top Plays in GIFs: Eddie Jackson Recovers a Fumble and Scores a 75-yard Touchdown.


I haven’t seen the Bears do this much damage since “The Revanant”.

Hot Takes: It’s Gettin Hot in Here (SO HOT), So Take Off All Your Clothes

  • Cam Newton was getting violently hit so often yesterday, #AllLivesMatter are going to show highlights of yesterday’s game just to show all the black-on-black violence that’s happening.
  • Who the heck is C. J. Beathard and why is he playing quarterback for the 49ers? Oh, that’s right, it’s because their previous starter hates the armed services and veterans.
  • Joe Buck talking about C.C. Sabathia’s alcohol problem the other day was at the same time as I accidentally knocked over an empty bottle of Makers Mark. Probably just a coincidence…
  • Hmm, I see the Bengals still look like a Skyline Chili aftermath in close games…

Top Plays in GIFs: Russell Wilson throws to Paul Richardson for the Play-Action Touchdown.


Jason Pierre-Paul couldn’t catch Wilson there. I can’t put a finger on as to why…

Hot Takes: I Am Gettin So Hot, I Wanna Take My Clothes Off

  • Russell Wilson, I take back 5% of the terrible things I’ve ever said about you!
  • This NFL season makes no sense whatsoever. The Giants are terrible, except when they’re good. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
  • Doug Baldwin has been the only Seahawks wide receiver for the last decade it seems, and I think he’s earned the right to shove Tom Cable.
  • I have absolutely no idea how to rate the career of Eli Manning, and he seems to have passed his prime, but I do know he’ll be in the Hall of Fame, and I really don’t know how to feel about his inevitable induction. Probably about the same as Peyton Manning.

Top Plays in GIFs: Tom Brady Throws to Rob Gronkowski for 27-yards.


Gronk train! Choo choo!

Hot Takes: Uh, Uh, Uh… Let It All Hang Out!

  • Wine that comes in a can, thoughts?
  • Did you know there are actually Penn State deniers out there? Combined with the Anti-Vaxxers, Climate Change deniers, and the Sandy Hook deniers, I gotta call my broker… I’m shorting America I think.
  • Speaking of which, we fly teams halfway around the world to get shut out in football games! Don’t ever tell me that we have any chance at stopping global warming!
  • So… how many calls will the Cardinals get from Roger Goodell asking to sign Colin Kaepernick? Haha, just kidding, Bill Bidwill is too inept to even make this team interesting in that manner.
  • I really thought Baltimore would beat Case Keenum. I mean… it’s Case Keenum, ya know?
  • Blake Bortles finished the day with 330 yards passing. I… I think I saw it all yesterday.
  • There were sure are a lot of people at that Rams game! I guess there’s not a lot else to do in London. Los Angeles certainly can’t say that.
  • “I watched that stupid f*cking game from start to finish. I’m an idiot.” – Jay, 10/22/2017. (And that can apply to every game yesterday, if you were wondering.)

The TOP PLAY in Week 7: Steelers Play Hide-and-Seek in the End Zone.


That hide and seek celebration was going to be something else, but Mike Tomlin wouldn’t let them play “Doctor”.

 

 

  1. BigBenBlows says:
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    few questions: trade deadline in 2 days.

    keeper league:

    trade nelson agholor and big ben for thomas rawls, demeryius thomas?

    thanks

    • BigBenBlows says:
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      @BigBenBlows: one more:

      $15 stefon diggs/ $15 nelson agholor for David johnson/ lesean mccoy?

      thanks

      • Jay

        Jay says:
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        @BigBenBlows: if you are eyeing the playoffs, I’d pull the trigger.

  2. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    i was thinking it as i traded for him in that league where i need the min WAS players, pryor ain’t a WR. maybe when cousins leaves they can just put him back where he plays and i’d only lose one WAS player.

      • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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        @Jay: at least reed is doing things again. in same league i’ve been benching him for brate, didn’t lose from those lost points.

          • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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            @Jay: sounds good for doctson who i have stashed in at least 2 dynasties (including this league)

  3. Randall Cunningham says:
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    Whatupp Jay? Pretty much in a rebuild after another loss. Been offered Aaron Jones for My Crabtree. Or a 5 th Rd pick. My keepers are Watson, Henry, David Johnson, JuJu shcuster Smith, and Mike Williams. Jones would pretty much set me up at RB. Take the pick or Jones?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Randall Cunningham: Jones. I think RBs are still going to be an issue next year l.

  4. When Buying Gifts Don't Confuse the Diary of Hans Frank and Anne Frank says:
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    dynasty standard. gotta drop somebody this week for a defense, possible RB adjustments
    QB (1) RW3
    RB (2) zeke/morris/melgor/j.white/smallwood/darkwa/collins
    WR (3) both thomas’/a.brown/hilton
    TE (1) ertz
    K gostko
    DEF JAX (probably too good to drop here)

    1. i’d guess collins (or smallwood) is the drop for the D?

    2. drop a 2nd RB for any of these: forte/d.lewis (sure seems more valuable than white now)/lat murray

  5. eggman says:
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    What up Jay! I’d like to try to get what I can for Jordy or Fitz (.5 ppr) for a RB. What tier of guys do you think I should be looking at?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @eggman: Probably a Martin to Crowell. That area. Might try for Lynch too.

  6. The imp says:
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    How would you rank these WR for ROS PPR?

    mJones/Doctson/Ginn/Schuster

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @The imp: I have them in that order, but flipped.

  7. Steve says:
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    Trade question:

    T. Coleman and D. Parker for Mixon

    Rbs: Gurley, Martin, Kamara, Coleman
    Wes: Baldwin, Allen, Benjamin, Adams, Parker, D. Jackson

    Thanks

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Steve: yeah, I’d do it.

  8. William Hung says:
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    @Jay: I need some major WR help – current craptastic stable is (14 team .5 PPR):

    -Amari Cooper
    -Kenny Golladay
    -DeVante Parker
    -Bennie Fowler
    -Ricardo Louis
    -Martavis Bryant

    WRs I am thinking about picking up: DeMarcus Robinson, Zay Jones, and Marquise Goodwin – whoever I pick up will probably play in my FLEX – if DeVante Parker is out. If he plays, I’ll probably play Fowler in my FLEX.

    If that happens, some stash WRs I’ve been thinking of are: Dede Westbrook, John Ross, and Robert Woods.

    So I guess my questions come down to this:
    1. Who do you like out of DeMarcus Robinson, Zay Jones, and Marquise Goodwin
    2. Who do you like out of Dede Westbrook, John Ross, and Robert Woods
    3. Is there any reason to hold Martavis or should I drop one of my other WRs not named Cooper.

    • When Buying Gifts Don't Confuse the Diary of Hans Frank and Anne Frank says:
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      @William Hung: woods has to be over those guys in #2

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @William Hung: yeah, I bet.

      I’d say Goodwin, Woods, and yeah, hold on Marty a little longer. That wire is pretty barren.

      • William Hung says:
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        @Jay: yeah it is :(

        What makes me uncomfortable about Goodwin is the fact that he’s got a small snap count % AND low target share – do you expect both to increase? I can’t afford a guy to put up a 0

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @William Hung: I do… but I’m not sure how or when or if it’ll even help you. There’s a lot of triage that needs to happen here. None of it your fault either.

  9. Bull in a Chinese Restaurant says:
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    20 team PPR redraft. highest scoring team but it’s close and only 6 make playoffs, i’m 5-2 and in 6th. got lucky bortles had a good week when i needed it with staff out. but now gurley’s out and this isn’t as safe.
    QB (1) staff/bortles
    RB (2) gurley/j.allen/forte/collins/t.west/morris
    WR (3) hill/crabtree/wright/goolladay/beasley
    TE (1) ertz/z.miller
    1 flex (can be a TE)
    K gano
    DEF CIN
    IDP flex (1)
    LB (2) david/lee/ogletree
    DE (1) dunlap
    DT (1) buckner
    CB (2) hargreaves/crawley
    S (1) amos
    so even though i’m yahoo projected favored by 13 and change (and my top scoring team averages 188 per week) i probably should grab an IDP flex for this week with ogletree off. guessing the drop is t.west?

    2. drop anybody else for any of: britt, t.benjamin, burkhead, higgins?

  10. DT says:
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    Yo Jay!

    another week in the books. my WR core in a .5 ppr 3WR league is hurting.
    currently have tyreek, crowder, Devante parker, and shepard.

    not really much in waivers. was looking to trade a RB to get some depth.
    I’ve got howard, miller, martin, henry, buck allen, and morris.

    I was thinking of flipping one or two of these guys so I don’t have to start crowder ever.
    DeMarco owner has martavis, pryor, Beasley, sanu, moncrief. I feel like losing henry for one of those guys wouldn’t be too bad. any thoughts on potential moves?

    as always I appreciate the columns and feedback!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @DT: Sup DT!

      Any chance you can offload Morris to the Zeke owner?

      And yeah, I like Henry for Pryor… not to say I don’t like Pryor, but it has to get better than this, right?

  11. Yr Never Too Old for Balloons says:
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    1. for IDP’s this week pick one:
    whitehead vs PIT
    vigil vs IND
    marshall @ KC
    pullard (unless j.brown starts to play more than 30% of snaps) @ NE
    evans (S TB) vs CAR
    reid (S SF, but is playing some inside LB lately) @ PHI

    2. PPR 12 team.
    QB (1) winston/tyrod
    RB (2) hunt/howard/forte/darkwa/riddick
    WR (2) green/fuller/d.thomas/fitz/lockett (10 return yards per point)
    TE (1) rudolpho/doyle
    1 flex
    K streamer
    DEF streamer
    hold tyrod (best other QB options in case winston gets hurt again: mccown/moore/beatithard
    bortles/eli) or grab one of these: OAK RB’s not named lynch, breida, woodhead, snead, kerley, d.thompson, m.will (LAC).

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Yr Never Too Old for Balloons: 1. Double check my rankings, but Whitehead could be interesting. And 2. Yeah, Tyrod over those guys. And Snead would be a nice pickup. Woody for Riddick wouldn’t be terrible, but it’s the same thing to me so doesn’t matter.

  12. SR says:
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    Was offered K. Hunt for my D. Martin and D. Baldwin. Should I jump on it?

    .5PPR
    Thank u!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @SR: Yeah, take it and run.

  13. Wide Right says:
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    Ppr league.. trade S.Sherperd and Lynch for Martin and CDavis.. obviously not for this week, more of a rest of year trade. Fair? Too one-sided?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Wide Right: Naw, I’d hold. I like your side a little bit more.

  14. Wide Right says:
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    Trading a spare QB for Parker when I already have Landry a bad idea? Just looking for bye week options down the road. Ppr league (oh and I should ask.. which qb should I move Wintston or Cousin?) i also have Wilson. #TooMany QBs

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Wide Right: Naw, not a bad idea at all. I’d move Cousins.

  15. The Harrow says:
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    14 team PPR. can’t see keeping semian anymore. also fitz is probably gonna turn into dust here with stanton/gabbert now in charge so maybe more WR is in order.
    QB RW3/semian (the drop spot)
    RB start 2, hunt, crowell, j.allen, kelley, mack, stewart
    WR start 3, a.brown, fitz, fuller, parker, lockett
    TE ASJ
    IR olsen (could also stash clay here in 2nd slot)
    better add: juju, goodwin, d.thompson or a backup TE in njoku, griffin.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @The Harrow: yeah, I was a little off on him as an option. I think Juju for a spark out of those options.

  16. Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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    best bench WR in PPR: maclin/golladay/j.matt/richardson?

  17. Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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    2. half PPR, drop gore (have mack too) or blount for any of: forte/riddick?

  18. And Now the Jon Lovitz Dancers! says:
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    PPR. as a parker owner should i rank these this for WR #6 (having parker/brown/fitz/d.thomas/maclin and start exactly 3): ginn/stills/lee or would stills be even better here, as if parker stays or gets more hurt it sure seems like stills might be startable over fitz/maclin and maybe even d.thomas as bad as semian has been.

      • And Now the Jon Lovitz Dancers! says:
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        @Jay: ginn went too high in waviers, did get stills, and hell if parker doesn’t play thursday (he sounds like he will though) stills might be a start. with fitz out on bye my WR’s 2 and 3 this week are somewhat weak (and really with palmer gone my WR take a big hit anyway).

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @And Now the Jon Lovitz Dancers!: Okay, I think that’s fine. Figured on Ginn, he’s actually learned how to catch here and there. What a world!

  19. Dt says:
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    Sorry jay one more question!

    Ppr 2 flex league I have Buck Allen, Duke Johnson, riddick, Dion Lewis. I’m trying to get Kamara from his WR needy team. Is duke, buck, and crowder/juju/j. Matthews enough to get Kamara and Vereen (filler). He also has Henry, fournette, McKinnon, Crowell.

    I have Hopkins, green, dez but don’t want to break up that core. Any thoughts?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Dt: No worries man! I think it could be with some of those names, just depends who he likes, but you’re right, I think it’s fair based on those combos.

  20. Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
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    12 team dynasty PPR BUT rushing yards worth double receiving
    QB (1) wentz (well THAT OBJ for hilton + wentz in preseason is sure working out)
    RB (1) howard/cohen/AAron jones/mckinnon/mack
    WR (2) m.thomas/thielen/jeffery/hopkins/m.williams
    TE (1) ASJ
    1 WR/RB flex
    1 TE/WR flex
    K lutz
    DEF MIN
    IR’s ware/meredith/clay/kelley (have to drop kelley to make any moves)
    1. drop m.williams for any (but this roster spot probably needs to be just dropped later for TE when ASJ is on bye in 11): fuller/parker

    2. what about jeffery dropped to get both of fuller/parker?

    3. what about dropping cohen for d.lewis or darkwa?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: 1-Fuller 2-Yeah, it’s about the same, so I think that’s okay, 3-Hold there.

  21. SR says:
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    Another trade scenario if you would help with.

    Trade D. Jackson and T. Coleman for L. Miller? About right? I also have Kamara but think that’s too much in place of Coleman. Also have K. Benjamin but also think too much in place of Jackson. Thoughts? Thanks!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @SR: Yeah, that’s about right. I’d do it.

  22. The Harrow says:
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    14 team league PPR. have 2 IR slots. olsen in one for sure (starting TE is ASJ). best use of the other IR slot, bailey DAL K (just nabbed nugent too) or clay? currently have 1 dead roster spot, could also just grab zuerlein and drop nugent next week. best other possible stashes are
    t.will DAL, beasley, goodwin, d.thompson, john brown (but that’s looking nasty over there), gillislee, gio B, or even use the 2nd IR for t.west (have j.allen here, with crowell/hunt/kelley/mack/j.stewart). same league as above, jjss went for $10 FAAB. somewhat thinner WR’s in parker/a.brown/fitz/fuller/lockett (start 3)

  23. fudgemybudge says:
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    14 tm standard
    Drop Martavis for Fowler, Golloday, C Coleman or Inman

    Also 12 tm half ppr
    Drop J Mathews for Corey Davis, Golloday or Inman

    Thx

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @fudgemybudge: I’d say Fowler. And then Davis.

Comments are closed.