When I saw that Jay Ajayi (28 CAR, 214 YDS, 7.6 AVG, 1 TD, 53 LONG and 1 REC, 2 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 2 LONG, 1 TGTS) broke the 200-yard rushing barrier yesterday, I assumed it was a career-total type of thing… I mean, what kind of timeline have we been transported to where something like this could happen? We went from:s: It’s Arian Foster, it’s Jay Ajayi, it’s I think I’ll take a pass, to whatever we call this. Arian Foster (3 CAR, 5 YDS, 1.7 AVG, 3 LONG and 1 REC, 4 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 4 LONG, 3 TGTS) is probably safe to ignore now (though I might hold if possible, just because the Dolphins are a weird team that does weird things whenever they can). So now, one has to tackle (see what I did there?) the possibility that we’re seeing Devonta Freeman 2.0. True, the Bills probably wouldn’t be able to tackle Rex Ryan standing still if they tried yesterday, and yeah, the Steelers run defense has somehow morphed into the Colts run defense from the 00’s (zeroes or oh’s?… I have no idea), and that shows up in the numbers: Ajayi has broken as many tackles on 54 handoffs over the last two weeks (13) as Ezekiel Elliott has on 148 touches this entire season. But it’s hard to ignore two 200-yard games in a row, even with caveats. Only three other players have done that: O.J. Simpson, Earl Campbell, and Ricky Williams. Granted, you probably want to most be like Cambell here, in terms of the law (Simpson) and career longevity (Williams). Don’t kill people and get high, maaaaan… But how do we really know that this is legitimate? Well, since the majority of us didn’t see Freeman’s 2015, we can certainly see some similar parallels with Ajayi forming. In 2014, Freeman was one of the top running backs in the draft (like Ajayi was in 2015), and as a rookie for the Falcons, he was relegated to third string duty, totaling just 65 rushes and 30 catches the entire year. He was unspectacular, and his potential finally forgotten en masse when Tevin Coleman was drafted. The exact same could be said with Ajayi last year, as Lamar Miller’s presence limited him to just 187 total rushing yards and 11 catches. And then, Kenyan Drake was drafted and Arian Foster was signed. While it’s hard to say if Ajayi can sustain RB1 numbers for an Adam Gase and Clyde Christensen run offense that has never drawn up a sh*tty play that they didn’t love and do over and over again, it’s certainly apparent that when you make the lazy comparison that Jay Ajayi is the next Devonta Freeman, it might actually turn out to be right. And then you find yourself wondering, can Devonta effing Freeman be the next Jay Ajayi?… And then you wonder how the NFC West didn’t win a game yesterday, even though the Seahawks and Cardinals played against each other… and then you wonder why your head hurts so much.
Matt Asiata – 12 CAR, 55 YDS, 4.6 AVG, 29 LONG and 6 REC, 25 YDS, 4.2 AVG, 7 LONG, 8 TGTS. Quick question: Are we still at war with Asiata? Or were we always?
Odell Beckham Jr. – 5 REC, 49 YDS, 9.8 AVG, 22 LONG, 9 TGTS. With the exception of the last two Super Bowls they’ve won, cheering for the Giants has to be pretty painful…
Le’Veon Bell – 21 CAR, 81 YDS, 3.9 AVG, 12 LONG and 10 REC, 68 YDS, 6.8 AVG, 22 LONG, 13 TGTS. So… even with Landry starting, the game plan was still chuck and duck and f*ck all to do with Bell? The Steelers turned into the Chiefs so quickly, I didn’t even notice…
Golden Tate – 6 REC, 93 YDS, 15.5 AVG, 27 LONG, 12 TGTS. Yeah, Marvin Jones (4 REC, 94 YDS, 23.5 AVG, 52 LONG, 5 TGTS) and Tate with 180+ yards receiving, but Anquan Boldin (3 REC, 28 YDS, 9.3 AVG, 1 TD, 18 LONG, 4 TGTS.) gets the touchdown? I love this new Lions selective offense. Really brings out the urge to see if Jim Bob Cooter can eat a whole bowl of d*cks.
Sam Bradford – 24/41, 224 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 71.6 RTG and 1 CAR, -1 YDS, -1.0 AVG, -1 LONG. Ah yes, the “Sam Bradford Annual Return to Mediocrity” has finally arrived! Can’t wait for the “Sam Bradford Annual Season-Ending Injury”!
Kenny Britt – 3 REC, 43 YDS, 14.3 AVG, 26 LONG, 8 TGTS. Britt seems to be a microcosm of Jeff Fisher’s career: very close to being completely average at everything while still being completely uninteresting.
Antonio Brown – 7 REC, 106 YDS, 15.1 AVG, 51 LONG, 11 TGTS. Theory: Darrius Heyward-Bey (3 REC, 30 YDS, 1 TD, 14 LONG, 7 TGTS) is employed by the Steelers to make Antonio Brown look even more amazing by comparison… kinda like how Solomon Wilcotts is employed by CBS to make Phil Simms seem competent.
Jamaal Charles – 1 CAR, 0 YDS, 0.0 AVG, 0 LONG. The only thing Charles will be breaking are more ligaments hobbling from the bench to the Gatorade cooler.
Kirk Cousins – 30/39, 301 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 1 TD, 106.9 RTG and 3 CAR, 19 YDS, 6.3 AVG, 1 TD, 19 LONG. On a scale of 0-to-KIRK, I rate this performance a resounding KIRK. Err, or wait a sec, is it supposed to be Kirk-to-10…?
Isaiah Crowell – 12 CAR, 63 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 1 TD, 21 LONG and 3 REC, 16 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 10 LONG, 4 TGTS. Despite my better nature, I would find it slightly amusing if the Browns go winless while the other sports team of Cleveland win championships in the same season.
Benny Cunningham – 3 CAR, 4 YDS, 1.3 AVG, 2 LONG and 1 REC, 5 YDS, 5.0 AVG, 5 LONG, 1 TGTS. Which name makes you assume Caucasian more… Fozzy Whittaker or Benny Cunningham? They both sound like Happy Days characters is why I ask.
Tyler Eifert – 1 REC, 9 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 9 LONG, 2 TGTS. There’s worthless piles of doo-doo, and then there’s Tyler Eifert.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 9/14, 120 YDS, 8.6 AVG, 1 TD, 115.2 RTG and 1 CAR, -1 YDS, -1.0 AVG, -1 LONG. Ryan Fitzpatrick making his fellow Harvard men proud by failing to suceed despite being handed every advantage in the world.
Joe Flacco – 25/44, 248 YDS, 5.6 AVG, 2 INT, 54.0 RTG and 2 CAR, -4 YDS, -2.0 AVG, 1 LONG. Flacco goes wacko, avoids sacko, but that interception breaks the backo.
Michael Floyd – 5 REC, 65 YDS, 13.0 AVG, 18 LONG. Worst. Contract year. Ever.
Antonio Gates – 5 REC, 38 YDS, 7.6 AVG, 13 LONG, 10 TGTS. EVEN GATES IS AGAINST THEE, PHIL!
Mike Gillislee – 5 CAR, 20 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 20 LONG. I decided yesterday that while watching LeSean McCoy (8 CAR, 11 YDS, 1.4 AVG, 4 LONG) break another hamstring, wherever Reggie Bush (1 CAR, 1 YDS, 1.0 AVG, 1 TD, 1 LONG and 1 REC, 13 YDS, 13.0 AVG, 13 LONG, 2 TGTS) or Gillislee end up, I don’t want to be…
Melvin Gordon – 22 CAR, 68 YDS, 3.1 AVG, 2 TD, 13 LONG and 6 REC, 53 YDS, 8.8 AVG, 1 TD, 14 LONG, 7 TGTS. Dear Melvin Gordon, you are the best Melvin ever. You scored lots of points, and I hope you have the awesomest rest of the season ever. Thanks!
Todd Gurley – 15 CAR, 57 YDS, 3.8 AVG, 8 LONG and 6 REC, 35 YDS, 5.8 AVG, 20 LONG, 7 TGTS. Interesting that neither team brought a running back to London… As for the analysis part of the blurb, I’m repeating myself, but there’s really no point in trying to do something else other than keep starting him and hope for some kind of production. I mean, you could probably drink while doing this, that probably helps you, not really your team, but you won’t care after a copious amount of sips chugs. Trust me.
Jeremy Hill (9 CAR, 168 YDS, 18.7 AVG, 1 TD, 74 LONG and 2 REC, 24 YDS, 12.0 AVG, 13 LONG, 2 TGTS) and Giovani Bernard (17 CAR, 80 YDS, 4.7 AVG, 1 TD, 17 LONG and 1 REC, 7 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 7 LONG, 2 TGTS) – The fact that the Bengals have plays drawn up other than “Throw it to A.J. Green (8 REC, 169 YDS, 21.1 AVG, 1 TD, 48 LONG, 8 TGTS)” shows what a terrible coach Marvin Lewis is. #Analysis. #AJGreenOwner. #Lookatthatcatch. #Thisistotallyhowhastagswork. #Ithink.
Kevin Hogan – 12/24, 100 YDS, 4.2 AVG, 2 INT, 26.4 RTG and 7 CAR, 104 YDS, 14.9 AVG, 1 TD, 28 LONG. HOLY HOGAN, you are so Brownsy with that line man. Some sprinkles of hope carpet-bombed by depression. Interesting fact: Hogan is the sixth Browns quarterback. One more, and they get a free set of steak knives. I just hope it’s a large enough set to fulfill the self-mutilation needs of your average Browns fans.
David Johnson – 33 CAR, 113 YDS, 3.4 AVG and 8 REC, 58 YDS, 7.3 AVG, 15 LONG. I think I am gonna start worshiping David Johnson as my deity of choice.
Julio Jones – 9 REC, 174 YDS, 19.3 AVG, 50 LONG, 15 TGTS. I’m going to admit something… The only afternoon game that I watched was this one, and the only thing I can remember about it is that is was basically one long pass to Julio Jones. I could not name another Atlanta wideout that started yesterday if I tried.
Landry Jones – 29/47, 281 YDS, 6.0 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 76.6 RTG. I wonder if Mark Malone is aware that Jones has stolen his face… and playing style? Alright, so that reference might be a bit dated. Let’s try this… Landry Jones is pretty much Alex Smith with a pedo stache. Better?
Case Keenum – 32/53, 291 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 1 TD, 4 INT, 50.1 RTG and 1 CAR, 3 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 3 LONG. More like Case Closed!, amiright folks?
Eli Manning – 24/37, 196 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 78.2 RTG and 2 CAR, -2 YDS, -1.0 AVG, -1 LONG. I wonder if playing in Twickenham made Eli feel like he was a character in one of his favorite Harry Potter books?
DeMarco Murray – 25 CAR, 107 YDS, 4.3 AVG, 1 TD and 3 REC, 20 YDS, 6.7 AVG, 13 LONG, 5 TGTS. Do the Colts even field a defense? Should they even? They might do better just by letting the other team score as quickly as possible to get the ball back to Andrew Luck (27/39, 353 YDS, 9.1 AVG, 3 TD, 123.1 RTG and 5 CAR, 17 YDS, 3.4 AVG, 9 LONG).
Cordarrelle Patterson – 7 REC, 67 YDS, 9.6 AVG, 1 TD, 15 LONG, 7 TGTS. I’m gonna head down to the fallout shelter; I’ll see you all in a few decades…
Carson Palmer – 29/49, 342 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 80.5 RTG and 1 CAR, 8 YDS, 8.0 AVG. Carson Palmer is here to remind you that he’s a good quarterback, as long as there isn’t any physical or psychological pressure.
Philip Rivers – 27/44, 371 YDS, 8.4 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 86.5 RTG and 1 CAR, -2 YDS, -2.0 AVG, -2 LONG, 1 FUM. It’s quite apropos that such a devout Catholic landed in, what I can only best describe this year as football purgatory…
Allen Robinson – 2 REC, 9 YDS, 4.5 AVG, 5 LONG, 8 TGTS. Note: If you have the chance to bid on or draft Allen Robinson in the future, I really don’t f*cking recommend it.
Sterling Shepard – 5 REC, 32 YDS, 6.4 AVG, 11 LONG, 7 TGTS. It’s like Tom Coughlin never left…
Wendell Smallwood – 4 CAR, 13 YDS, 3.3 AVG, 4 LONG. I feel like Smallwood disappoints ladies on the regular.
Alex Smith – 17/24, 214 YDS, 8.9 AVG, 2 TD, 126.0 RTG and 4 CAR, 7 YDS, 1.8 AVG, 6 LONG. That was Alex Smith’s 55th career pass of 40+ yards, by the way. Interesting note, 54 of them have traveled fewer than three yards in the air…
Kenny Stills – 5 REC, 100 YDS, 20.0 AVG, 1 TD, 66 LONG, 8 TGTS. Whoever decided to change the Dolphins uniform to the ones they were wearing yesterday should be abandoned on an ice floe.
Spencer Ware – 17 CAR, 77 YDS, 4.5 AVG, 12 LONG and 2 REC, 54 YDS, 27.0 AVG, 1 TD, 46 LONG, 2 TGTS. The Saints seemed to have left their tackling hands on their plane yesterday the entire season.
Carson Wentz – 16/28, 138 YDS, 4.9 AVG, 1 TD, 2 INT, 52.4 RTG and 5 CAR, 6 YDS, 1.2 AVG, 6 LONG. Carson Wentz: Rookie Quarterback.
Tyrell Williams – 7 REC, 140 YDS, 20.0 AVG, 49 LONG, 10 TGTS. Song time! Ty-rell Will-iams was on my bench!
Russell Wilson – 24/37, 225 YDS, 6.1 AVG, 81.5 RTG and 1 CAR, -2 YDS, -2.0 AVG, -2 LONG. Wilson looks like a guy who has been drinking micro bubbles. Because not drinking your nano bubbles is… wait for it… dangeruss. Speaking of which, is Macklemore still a thing? Or did people finally come to their senses?
T.J. Yeldon – 6 CAR, 24 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 15 LONG and 1 REC, 4 YDS, 4 LONG, 2 TGTS. So is Jacksonville the place where I start making fun of other teams which suck, rather than my own team which sucks?
Zach Zenner – 9 CAR, 29 YDS, 3.2 AVG, 1 TD. The Lions running game is a dumpster fire. The sun rises in the East. The sky is blue. I need a drink.
Final Thought
