It’s Tuesday Night Football! This comes around just as often as a global pandemic. Hopefully. The Tuesday night game really threw a wrench in my standard Tuesday evening plans of roller blading, Kama Sutra and Below Deck. I had my Ryan Tannehill lede all queued up when the big new broke about the Jets releasing Le’Veon Bell, who they were reportedly trying to trade just hours before. I’m pretty sure I play in a fantasy league with Jets’ GM Joe Douglas. He was the guy who kept offering me ripoff A.J. Green trades all the way up until he cut him. I’ve seen a lot of  speculation about where Bell might land, including Kansas City, Philadelphia, Arizona, New England, Chicago, Los Angeles Chargers and Saskatchewan. I’m not sure he’s more than a low end RB2 on any of those teams—except maybe the Saskatchewan Roughriders—also, is anyone else starting to pick up a little Antonio Brown vibe? As you might expect, the aftermath in New York isn’t very enticing. Frank Gore and La’Mical Perine are worth rostering, maybe even Ty Johnson too if you’re really desperate. Which I always am. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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I usually write this while I watch Monday Night Football. But I will not be watching MNF. I will not watch the Saints until they put in Jameis Winston. It’s been sad watching the box score through the first half. I don’t understand the Taysom Hill plays, I don’t understand the dedication to Drew Brees. I guess New Orleans could be a destination for Dak Prescott when he’s healthy, eh? After not being able to reach a deal with Dallas in the offseason and suffering an unfortunate gruesome injury, I would be surprised if Dak signs in Dallas on anything team friendly. Jerry Jones has given Dak the runaround on a new contract the last two offseasons while Dak is just trying to get a fair deal in an ever changing market. If you look at the deals that Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson received, Dak wanting 40 million per year wasn’t so crazy after all. The fantasy market is changing at a much more rapid pace than the quarterback market, so let’s get to the buys and sells for week 6. 

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Entering Monday Night Football, Alvin Kamara was already the season-long RB1 overall in half-PPR and PPR formats despite having one less game played than much of the competition. So although his 15.9-point performance in half-PPR represented his weakest game of the season, it did very little to change his standing atop the top 60 rest of season running back rankings. Kamara rushed 11 times for 45 yards on Monday, fulfilling his usual role in the passing game with eight catches on 10 targets for another 74 yards. Latavius Murray (eight carries, 34 yards; two receptions, 23 yards) was effective but unspectacular, as it was the QB-duo of Drew Brees and Taysom Hill that punched in both of the Saints’ rushing touchdowns in the red zone. Yep, just how the fantasy gods drew it up.

As for the Chargers, the one-two replacement punch of Joshua Kelley and Justin Jackson didn’t exactly play out the way many anticipated. Although Kelley was the popular pick to step into startable RB2 status with the absence of Austin Ekeler, he averaged a measly 2.6 YPC while totaling 29 yards on 11 carries, catching just one pass for nine yards. In fact, it was Jackson who handles lead back duties, out-touching Kelley 19-to-12. Jackson rushed 15 times for 71 yards (4.7 YPC), but the major takeaway was how much more effective he was in the passing game: five receptions on six targets for 23 yards. Both look to be risky plays until Ekeler returns, likely lending no value outside of weekly Flex consideration — but the unpredictable split between the two makes even that risky.

In other news, Le’Veon Bell is back, Todd Gurley finished as an RB1, Raheem Mostert’s return rendered Jerick McKinnon all-but-irrelevant and Chase Edmonds appears to be overtaking Kenyan Drake in Arizona. Before we get into the Week 5 rankings, let’s take a look at all of that and more via a quick trip around the league.

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Week 5 was light on the injuries until Dak Prescott broke his ankle and needed immediate surgery. COVID postponements continue to be a difficult thing to navigate both for managers and commissioners. Alas, we must press on. The rookie WR class is really showing out and a number of them will be big parts of championship lineups. 

I group the adds by position and then within the position, rank them in order of preference. The sherpa will only advise players who are rostered in less than 50% of ESPN leagues.

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I got into the weeds Monday afternoon researching NFL mascots. I never knew how much I didn’t know about football mascots. Turns out there’s a lot of great ones out there, including Viktor the Viking, Rowdy the Cowboy and T-Rac, the Titans’ funny looking raccoon character who may or may not have coronavirus. Of course the Titans would have a random raccoon mascot. The Saints come in strong with not one, but two mascots: a friendly St. Bernard puppy by the name of Gumbo along with Sir Saint, a large mustachioed caucasian man with an obscenely large chin. The Chargers on the other hand are mascot-less after their unofficial mascot, Boltman, retired back in 2018 due to climate change. Enter Justin Herbert. The rookie QB balled out on Monday night with a line of 20/34 for 264 yards, 4 touchdowns and no interceptions.  Five of those completions went to Mike Williams who finished the night with 5 catches for 109 receiving yards and two touchdowns. Many forget that Big Mike caught 10 touchdowns in his sophomore season, only two years ago. The young QB/WR tandem looks to have a very bright future as the new L.A. Chargers mascots. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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Donkey Teeth is back to discuss week 5 with B_Don. Dak Prescott is down for the season and the guys discuss what it means for the receiving threats, Ezekiel Elliott, and where Andy Dalton fits in with some of the other possible FA QBs. Dalton Schultz was a big riser last week for B_Don, but the TE may be falling as the TE position seems harder to find each week. 

We discuss the Dalvin Cook injury and where Alexander Mattison fits in for week 6. We move on to talk about some of the big performances from week 5 in Chase Claypool, Henry Ruggs, and Travis Fulgham. B_Don asks DT about a couple statements from his week 5 recap article where he says Miles Sanders is a 1st rounder and Calvin Ridley is a WR1 all season. 

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I was indoctrinated into the Speed Kills philosophy early in life, thanks to Al Davis and the Los Angeles Raiders. Cliff Branch. Bo Jackson. Willie Gault. James Jett. Rocket Ismail. Darrius Heyward-Bey. Puke. “Speed kills. You can’t teach speed. Everything else in the game can be taught, but speed is a gift from God.” – Al Davis. As a result, I always sorted via the SPD column in my Madden fantasy drafts. When it came to real life football, I always gravitated towards the speedsters, no matter how many times I’ve been burned. As Maverick told Goose, I feel the need…the need for speed. Now, speed is not the only thing that matters. There’s route running, the ability to catch, and opportunity, but speed will get a first date from me any day of the week. Yeah, I’m superficial like that. Jeff Smith of the New York Jets, coincidentally, has jets. Literally. 4.41 40-yard dash. He’s also received a whopping 20 targets over the past two games. Should you jet to the wire to scoop him up?

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Many people are familiar with the term “chasing the dragon.” It’s most common interpretation is simply smoking heroin. But according to Urban Dictionary, there’s a deeper meaning to this term. Imagine you get doped up on heroin for the first time and the high sends you to a euphoric, nirvana-like state where everything is beautiful and perfect and life makes complete sense. Soon the high wears off, so naturally you get cooked again seeking the same euphoric state, but this time it’s not quite the same. So you sell all your possessions and steal from your family in order to buy more and more drugs, attempting to return to nirvana. That’s chasing the dragon.  

But what about Chasing the TDragon, what’s that? It’s when you own only Broncos, Patriots, Lions and Packers receivers so you’re forced to start Chase Claypool in week 5 and he goes off for 7 catches for 110 yards, 3 carries for 6 yards and his 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th touchdowns against the Eagles defense. So of course you start the Steelers rookie every week for the rest of year, searching for that same high while destroying your fantasy season. Now listen, I’m not saying don’t pick up Claypool, you should. Just don’t get caught Chasing the TDragon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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Thursday was a heartbreaker. And I should be used to it, right? The Buccaneers haven’t made the playoffs since 2007 and haven’t w0n a playoff game since 2002. I wasn’t thrilled about signing a 43 year old quarterback to try and break the streak, but I admittedly started to perk up after a 3-1 start. It’s not like the Buccaneers were impressive in the first 4 games or had beaten anyone good, but NFL wins are NFL wins. Committees don’t decide your postseason fate in the pros. 

Losing that game on Thursday was pretty much inexcusable. The lack of discipline leading to dumb penalties, Tom Brady missing easy throws, the offensive line. All of it was horrible. And after all of that, they were still in position to win and blew it. It was the first time in a long time that a football game put me in a bad mood. But Sunday provides an opportunity to ease the pain with some fantasy wins. The slate is shorter than usual. Covid provides us three week day games after Sunday. The regularly scheduled Monday night game between the Chargers and the Saints will go off at the normally scheduled time and Denver will visit New England in the late afternoon on Monday. As long as there are no more positive tests for Tennessee, they will face Buffalo on Tuesday. Let’s get to the injuries and my updated rankings!

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We avoided COVID calamity in week 4 only to trade it for even more uncertainty in week 5. It’s going to take luck and an extra edge to win leagues this year. We’re all desperate for some luck. Trust me, the saying “Horseshoe up your ass” is purely metaphorical. Help get yourself that edge by popping the hood on some players poised to produce.

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All right, how many “old timer” fantasy readers are out there? I’m talking the guys and gals who used to mail in their fantasy rosters to their buddy, who then had to score them by hand like a baseball program. And then came Yahoo Fantasy Sports, which was like a dream come true. I kept drafting David Boston and hoping his hulking frame would bring me the fantasy glory. Then, ESPN came around, and everything kind of stagnated for another decade while fantasy managers sat on message boards and shouted at each other about Peyton vs. Eli Manning. Then, a new, brazen upstart came around: Fantrax. They didn’t have an internet search giant (remember when Yahoo was that?) or a massive Disney parent company supporting them. They were just: Fantrax. (sounds of air whooshing from my mouth, the sound of which was at one time a sound of awe and is now the sound of terrifying Covid emanation). And Fantrax wasn’t just about being a platform. Fantrax was all about having fantasy players that would join up with you and kick your ass into next Sunday. Try that, Disney! 

Welcome to the top of the Razzbowl, Mick Ciallela

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