Well, well, well, here we are again my lovelies, trudging on into Week 11 of the 2014 Fantasy Football season. As we near the playoffs, one thing is certain, our hooptied rosters are still plugging along like the good jalopies they are, and the Dominatrix-style punishments we endure week after week are nearing an end. Thankfully, unlike that Dominatrix, some of you don’t have to pay for this punishment, but unfortunately, there is no safe word. So take it like the good sex slaves you are. On another note, the Fantasy Gods have been generous with yours truly this past week, as I managed to squeeze out a solid 4-2 with my teams. Hell, even the stalker living in the bushes outside of my house has started to watch me sleeping through my window at night again. Ah, yes, all feels right with the universe. It is probably because I am completely and utterly satiated on the man souls my “Black Widow Curse” claimed this past week. Hey, Hall and Oates warned you… “watch out boys, she’ll chew you up.” All this time I have been fighting it, but in reality, giving in and embracing it for all of its man-soul chewing glory satisfies me more than any piece of chocolate, depraved sexual fantasy of Jordan Cameron ever has. So, as we march ever onward, follow me, my lovelies, into Week 11’s episode of Hit it or Quit it.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
KC’s Review, Week 10: Here’s to the Players
November 11, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 19 Commentsby: KC
Holy Crap! Week 10 is already over, and I officially only have a guaranteed three weeks left with my team. I seriously hate good-byes, and I’m freaking out knowing I have such little time left with my team. Sure, I’m bias, but after ten weeks, you could say I am a tad connected to my team. And I am not afraid to say that this year’s team might be my favorite yet… Yeah, they piss me off some weeks, but for the majority of the weeks, they always make me proud. Thankfully for this week, they made me proud. (Do I sound crazy?)
I have to think a lot of ya’ll woke up this morning with the same pride (unless you suffered from the bye-weeks), because so many guys went off this week, and even the mediocre seemed to show up. Those of you who woke up really happy probably had Marshawn Lynch (40 freaking points in non-PPR leagues). It was nice to see a non-QB player go off and get so many points. His performance reminded me of Doug Martin, circa 2012, where his 50 something point game won the match-up for all his league owners. I feel like Lynch’s had to be the same for his owners. (Could anyone possibly lose if they started him?)
Please, blog, may I have some more?
These Are Now Nacho-Powered Eagles
November 11, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 132 Commentsby: Jay
So after a Sunday night game that saw the quick dismantling of a fading dumpster fire of a team, we were able to see the exact same thing for Monday Night Football. How charming! It’s times like this when you really wonder if your investments into the local liquor stores are paying off like they should. There was certainly plenty of derp that became easily accessible from Matt Sanchez starting, but despite throwing what should have been an interception early in the game, he was able to do some interesting things with Carolina’s gift-giving. Speaking of which, there’s gift-giving, and then there’s “Here, have my house and everything that’s in it”. Hint, the Panthers did the latter. With a chance to move back into first place in the profoundly terrible NFC South, the Panthers instead allowed Darren Sproles to do whatever tiny things he does. And while the Eagles and Cowboys seemed to be playoff bound, the entire NFC South probably needs a flotation device to keep from drowning. For context, the 1-8 Buccaneers could win three straight and theoretically, based on what the division did, be a lock for the playoffs. That’s some scary sh*t right there.
Go Home Bears, You’re Drunk
November 10, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 90 Commentsby: Jay
Well, that was interesting. But only if you’re a Packers fan. Ben Roethlisberger? This is Aaron Rodgers, and he just escalated the situation by scoring 6 touchdowns and NOT losing to the Jets. Which seems like an insurmountable escalation right there. If you missed it (you probably should have), the Bears once again confirmed that they are a terrible football team. If they didn’t come out after half-time, already losing 0-42, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I doubt the Packers would have noticed, that’s for sure. But who doesn’t want to make history? So for the first time in 90 years, the Bears have now given up 50 plus points in consecutive games. And the funniest saddest realist part of all this? Oh yeah, that’s right, this is the Bears coming off a bye. Silly Jets fans, and you thought the 2015 first overall draft pick was yours for the taking…
Sunday Games, Week 10: Dolphins Good?
November 9, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 88 Commentsby: Jay
Ladies and gentlemen: Florida.
Remember the early season hype on the Dolphins? To be honest, I’d probably remember it better if those same people who hyped them up didn’t backtrack faster than a Michael Jackson moonwalk after Miami started the season 2-3. But after winning three straight on the heels of a capable Ryan Tannehill, a functional Lamar Miller, and an underrated defense, we probably have to take them seriously as a possible playoff team. Granted, the three wins were against a Titantic-sinking Bears team, the Jaguars (no adjectives necessary) and a San Diego team that is 93% IR eligible. Thus enters the Detroit Lions and the return of Calvin Johnson. Which I guess also signifies the return of Matthew Stafford to being mediocre instead of just terrible. And while it’s surprising that the Lions have gone 6-2 with such a derpy offense and a running game that matches my walking game, you’d have to think this is the type of match-up that could signify which team is for real. Or maybe not. So I guess it’s just like every other Week 10 game that doesn’t involve the Jags or Bucs, who don’t need to tell us anything. Just go home, both of you are drunk.
Week 10 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Stats Machine, Week 10: Taste the Rainbow
November 8, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 25 Commentsby: malamoney
About a week ago, all the buzz in Seattle was about how the decision makers had grown tired of Marshawn Lynch’s antics and that they were ready to chase to him out of town with pitchforks. Apparently, Lynch has a very tense relationship with head coach Pete Carroll and they have little to no communication. You’re kidding me, right? Those two seem like they’d be two peas in a pod. I just had a great idea for a reality show. Lynch and Carroll have to live together in a college dorm room! Every time Pete comes back to their room Marshawn has one of Pete’s ties around the doorknob. Why would Lynch want to be bothered with his head coach when he could care less about the nation’s president? Lynch’s decision to be a “no show” to the team’s Super Bowl victory celebration at the White House did not go over well with many. Sorry Obama, but Marshawn had better things to do than pay you a visit…
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Week 9: 7-6, Overall: 55-48-1, Locks: 5-1
Greetings! Beddict’s back in the hizzy, already 0-1 this week after Andy Dalton was brought to his knees as if he was Miley Cyrus, after spiking (NSFW… kinda) her own drink with multiple mollys. I apologize, for I feel wrong comparing Andy Dalton to someone with real talent. Is there anything grosser than Miley going full camel toe, sticking her demonic tongue out, and twerking that pasty pancake ass? Sure there is… Andy Dalton playing QB in the National Football League. That was one of the most embarrassingly pathetic performances I’ve witnessed from a QB in my many days upon this earth. Not since Curtis “Putrid” Painter started almost the entire season when the Colts were tanking (not talked about enough) to get Andrew Luck, have I been cursed with watching such peon like play. Seems like a great guy in real life though… moving on. Let’s get to this week’s picks, shall we? The quest for the perfect week continues.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em, Week 10: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
November 8, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 41 Commentsby: waterloo
When a starting quarterback goes down for a team, it’s usually catastrophic. Sure, you’ll have your Kurt Warner/Trent Green and Tom Brady/Drew Bledsoe stories, but more often than naught, it means a big blow to the team. That’s not the case for the Philadelphia Eagles. Sure, no one wants to see anyone get hurt, but this is fantasy, baby. It happens, and you look for the new shiny toy to come in and lead you on a run to the championship.
This week, that new toy is Mark Sanchez. Yes, that Mark Sanchez. The butt-fumbling, hot dog eating, former quarterback of the New York Jets. With a fractured collarbone, Eagles’ quarterback Nick Foles is expected to miss quite a bit of time. For fantasy and real life purposes, that’s perfectly fine.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Handcuff Report, Week 10: Boobies, Bobbys, and Jonas.
November 7, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 29 Commentsby: Geoff
Over the past few weeks we’ve had handcuffs breakout as temporary starters (Jeremy Hill), handcuffs keep the seat warm (Bobby Rainey), handcuffs to handcuffs become starters (Boobie Dixon), and practice squad players become viable fuzzy handcuffs (Jonas Gray). It’s a crazy mixed up world this handcuffing game, but us real hustlerz stay on our grind. Snatching your handcuffs, before you can get mine. It’s the way to championships and riches, we brought you Justin Forsett, Chris Ivory, and Denard (Robinson) Snitches! Liffy Out! Sorry for the random freestyle, but I needed to put you up on game. Lifshitz is so street that I have hood passes witout expiration dates. That’s another story for a never time..Yes, I meant to type never, because I’m not telling you….nan-never-ever. You want to fight?? That was street right? Hay-Zeus I’m rhyming again, oops. On to the handcuffs!
Note: Don’t forget to come visit me on the new Razzball Fantasy Soccer home everyday of the week. Smokey and I have leagues registering now. If you’re not familiar with the format, NBD, relax, you got us. Smokey and I are giving you the best Fantasy Premier League coverage out there. If you haven’t tried fantasy EPL, you’re missing out. So sign up and use us as your guide.
Please, blog, may I have some more? Factory of Sadness Now Manufacturing Glimmers of Hope
November 7, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 93 Commentsby: Jay
Well, that was an interesting game, said no one ever. To be honest, I’m not sure what I was expecting from a game featuring two teams that originate from the state that created Skyline Chili, but I suppose this would be a fair enough assessment of where they stand in all things. Whatever that means. For all intents and purposes, the game ended with a little over four minutes expired in the first quarter as Ben Tate rushed for a touchdown on a Browns possession that resulted from an early Andy Dalton interception. The two teams kept playing for the next two hours, though I have no idea why. Probably just to troll us. Thanks Ohio! In other news, the Browns have a winning record in November. Wait, what?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Alright, alright, alright. I keep getting older but I stay looking the same age. That may be because of the lipo, as I’ve had enough fat sucked out of my glutes to choke Moby Dick. Adrian Peterson certainly doesn’t require any amount of liposuction, as the man is built straight out of the Elder Gods’s fantasies. At 6’1″ and 220 pounds, this man could run through a concrete wall and probably destroy ISIS in its entirety this weekend. Peterson was also a winner in the courtroom this week, pleading no contest to one count of misdemeanor reckless assault, which hit him with a monstrous $4,000.00 fine and a couple hours of community service. That one’s really got dent the old pocket book, eh? Let’s just say he won’t be taking any of his 27 kids to shopping sprees in the short term.
Being that this case was handled in court, and it comes off as such a minor offense, I would have to assume AP will be eligible to play in Week 11. I know what you’re thinking… “There’s still no way Peterson beats out Asiata, right? The guy has scored more often than Beddict at a Sandals resort Halloween party.” Sorry, Asiata and McKinnon fans, this is Peterson’s show, and when he rides in like a gallant stallion to carry the Vikings to a playoff birth, Coach Zimmer will not stand in his path. Has there ever been a superior roster addition this late in the season in fantasy history? Josh Gordon is already owned everywhere, so the answer, guys and gals, is a resounding no. This is truly incredible, as any fantasy team that was bordering on playoff contention now has a legit shot at the title if they were able to swoop up AP. For my roster, I’m assuming he’s going to be an upgrade over Ben Tate and Chris Ivory… but I’ve been wrong before. Kudos to you if you had the foresight to grab AP a couple weeks back or were gifted him on this week’s waiver wire claims. I see mountainous orgies and many glorious victories in your future. Now, if you weren’t blessed with AP on the wire… may the Elder Gods take mercy on your souls.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Streamers, Week 10: Vote For Pedro
November 6, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 8 Commentsby: Nico
Truth is, I used to be a Mark Sanchez apologist, and perhaps I still am. As a Jets fan coming off of two AFC Championship games, he was easy to like. Then, we got to know the real Mark Sanchez. Dancing with his pants off, the butt-fumble… need I go further? But overall, the Jets weren’t exactly a catalyst for his success. I blame them. Now, Mark Sanchez is born again with renewed hope as a follower of the Chip Kelly system, and I’m buying into it.
Full disclosure, I don’t think we see a far departure from the Sanchez we knew in New York, but I think we see improvement. He will still throw interceptions. He will still struggle in some situations, and I truly believe he will once again dance without pants, but I think the Eagles give him an excellent chance to succeed, like they did with Nick Foles. Sanchez might not be able to throw a football over them mountains, but he might be the Pedro to Nickfoleon Dynamite. A solid one-two punch.
Please, blog, may I have some more?