Gronk, my savior. My gallant knight in shining armor riding his mighty steed coming to rescue me, his distressed virgin maiden. That’s two weeks in a row now that Gronk has saved me from fantasy extinction, and I owe him my sanity for it. In all of my days, I’ve never witnessed a tight end that seemingly breaks a tackle on every single reception. Sorta like how Kanye West seemingly says something incredibly moronic every time he opens his mouth or puts on a new skirt. It’s quite incredible, really. It’s certainly within the realm of possibility that Gronk could have been the greatest tight end in the game’s history, if you erased all the nasty injuries that incredibly chiseled body (pause) has endured. That’s most likely not going to occur now, but as long as he’s even at 75%, he’s a top-3 tight end in football. I’ll take 100 yards and a tub each and every week from my tight end and celebrate with an O’Douls. If captain limp wrist can play like he did this past week, Gronk’s numbers should continue to ascend like Apple stock after they dropped the iPhone 6….Wait… what? Scratch that. Oh, you waited six hours in the rain for one of those? I wouldn’t wait six hours in the street for a FREE iPhone 6, let alone to have the opportunity to pay full price for one. Kudos to those of you with that kind of dedication and tenacity though. I’m thoroughly impressed…
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Ambulance Chasers, Week 6: A Swift Kick in the Ball
October 8, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Injury Report | 18 Commentsby: SethDaSportsMan
Back in March, ex-Denver Broncos’ running back Knowshon Moreno left the frigid air of the Rocky Mountains for the opportunity to spend this season in sunny South Beach, and believe me, he’s not crying about it. His one-year deal didn’t take over the media the way another famous athlete did when he left a championship runner-up so he could play in Miami, but it did make his former backup with the Broncos a hot commodity in fantasy football drafts.
Despite gaining just 559 yards on 120 carries in 2013, Montee Ball was the 10th overall player taken in this year’s drafts (according to ADP). The volume wasn’t there for the rookie out of Wisconsin (Moreno excelled as Peyton Manning‘s go-to back), but you could feel the electricity with Ball. He had some early-season fumble issues in goal line situations (two in his first three games), but his 4.7 yards per carry was definitely something he could build on. Manning and the Broncos broke nearly every offensive record last year, and that’s a big reason why the second-year pro became such a popular draft pick — but Ball’s season is going down the drain faster than a goldfish with an irresponsible four-year-old for a parent.
Not only had Ball been downright awful in his first three games (165 yards, 3.37 YPC), but he left Sunday’s contest vs. the Cardinals with a groin strain. News broke that the injury was “a significant one”, but that was later changed to a “two-week timetable”. Based on what I’ve seen from injuries like this before, as well as his current conditioning (he missed nearly all of training camp after an emergency appendectomy), this has the makings of a much longer absence than what the Broncos are letting on.
So what do you do if you’re a Ball owner?
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Battle Flex, Week 6: Boring Is The New Bye Week Black
October 8, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 53 Commentsby: J-FOH
It’s good to be back after my little mini vacation. I went to serve one of my 72 hour blocks at county as part of my plea agreement. Jay was really understanding of my situation, as long as I brought back some pruno. Enjoy! *shudders* It was a well deserved rest and an opportunity to unplug and shake off the fantasy baseball dust. Now I am 100% yours to have at your disposal for all your fantasy needs. Jeez, I sound like a backpage escort. Except Tight Ends, I can’t figure out the rhyme or reasons going into planning for the week. Look at Larry Donnell last week with his one target and no catches…WTF! Sky shared these nuggets about Donnell with me via Twitter: Falcons sold out to make sure he had very few looks, and added to that: Double cover your guy all game and force it elsewhere. Can’t plan for that. That’s why I hate trying to predict the tight end position. Besides Graham and Thomas, no tight end is a safe bet each and every week. What does this have to do with flex plays? It’s my way of saying I won’t be doing tight ends in the flex battles. Wide receivers and running backs only. Now on to the bye bye bye week ahead.
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DraftKings: Extending An Oliver Branch
October 8, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, DraftKings | 96 Commentsby: Sky
And I quote, ‘(extending an) olive branch is usually a symbol of peace or victory’. The quote goes on to say ‘…and was historically worn by brides and virgins.’ Well given you all play fantasy sports, I’m just gonna assume the latter applies to at least 90% of you. And THAT’s how I make my triumphant return to writing after taking last week off: insulting your sexual goings on. *Pats own back*. In seriousness, I am extending you said Branden Oliver branch as both a sign of peace and victory. You see, I made you draft Donald Brown on a few teams a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately, Dammit Donald has returned with a vengeance this season but thankful to all owners and DK players, he’s not gonna be on the menu for quite some time. So to make up for this horrendous mistake, I’m gonna stay with the Chargers backfield which should lead you to a beautiful victory come Sunday as Oliver’s price tag of $5,500 puts you in a prime spot to price yourself well elsewhere. Two symbolic twigs for the price of one! You should count yourself as lucky. Given that the Raiders have been 4th worst against the run for fantasy purposes this year and Oliver steamrolled a strong Jets rush defense last week for 116 yards on the ground alone, we could be looking at a momentous day. I’d say he makes for a great cash game play but I’d be skeptical he isn’t shouted at the rooftops by everybody so he’s probably a weak GPP play; you’re trying to keep up with the jones if you roll with him there, very similarly to what happened with Rashad Jennings last week. In any case, he’s just one of many DK calls for this week so let’s have at it. Here’s my hot takes for the week 6 DK slate…
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!
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This past week was brutally tough on running backs. We saw several of them get injured and there are lead backs who will miss multiple weeks from the Denver Broncos and New York Giants. Factor in Kansas City and New Orleans are on bye this week, and it makes for a minefield of running backs to work through. We’ll help you get through it in this week’s column. Here we go.
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Who Are These Guys?, Week 6: Wyld Stallyns
October 7, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 50 Commentsby: malamoney
Four score and 7 quarters ago…
Considered by many to be the best time traveling movie ever made, Back to the Future is a must see film of the 80’s. Set in Hill Valley, California, Marty McFly accidentally travels back in time (to 1955) using a flux capacitor-powered DeLorean in an attempt to escape a band of angry Libyans. While there… well you know the rest. And if you don’t, shame on you!
Another time traveling masterpiece that gets much less attention, and in many ways is much more excellent, follows the wild adventures of Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted “Theodore” Logan as they travel back in time with the help of Rufus and his magical phone booth to solicit the help of historic personalities such as Napoleon Bonaparte, Abraham Lincoln, Ludwig van Beethoven and So-crates, to help them pass their history class assignment. That’s right, you guessed it. I’m talking about Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. This movie was so excellent, it even had a much less excellent sequel entitled Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. Believe it or not, I saw this flick in the movie theaters. Shame on me? I was only 14 years old. But even more believe it or not, a third installment to this pseudo legendary saga is currently in the works. So buckle up folks and get ready for another excellent journey!
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Legion of OOPS
October 7, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 183 Commentsby: Jay
Well, wasn’t that something. The game was, well, close for the most part. And by close, you have to consider context, as they Seahawks didn’t score 45 points in the first quarter, which certainly exceeded my expectations. But it’s no surprise that Jim Haslett was implementing his no cover defensive scheme throughout the game, and Jay Gruden’s sh*tty play design was certainly well masked by the players poor execution of it. But if there’s one takeaway here, it’s that the game was closer than it ever had a right to be, though, it is fair to say, the outcome was really never in doubt. So Washington hung in there…, bravo. That’s definitely worth something. Well, I mean, it’s worth a loss. So yeah, I guess that sucks.
Please, blog, may I have some more? MNF, Week 5: Seahawks vs. Washington Football Team
October 6, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 55 Commentsby: Jay
Our football cuppeth runneth over…eth… I guess? With another Sunday in the books, Monday Night Football has arrived, just in time to give us a reason to drink for at least three hours tonight. Or maybe that’s just me. But it won’t be once this game gets started. While you could find reasons to support tonight’s affair being a trap game for the heavily favored Seahawks, I assure you, it would take a meteor dropping down in Landover, MD of epic dinosaur extinction proportions to affect the outcome of this game. And I hate to tell ya, but Bruce Willis is still alive and well. So, we must drink! Coming off a bye, the Seahawks have also won eight straight Monday night games and still have an elite defense that will face Kirk Cousins, who is coming off a career-high four interception game. Should be a mix better made for a Thursday Night Football game. Then again, as my Chargers proved, the Seahawks aren’t as dominating when outside the proximity of fish-throwers and Space Needles and smarmy coffee drinkers, but you’d have to think a functional defense would help here. Washington… does not have that.
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In a thrilling day of footballing, there were nine games decided by a touchdown or less, three games decided by a field goal or less, and two overtime victories. It was enough to make some teams (looking directly at you Jim Caldwell and the Lions) wonder why someone like Alex Henery, who single-handedly (or footedly? Is that a word?) lost the game against the Kyle Orton led Bills 17-14, (to what was a 58-yard field goal to Dan Carpenter) still holds a job in the NFL. Missing one field goal is okay. Missing two is unacceptable. Missing three in a game, one of which came with 51 seconds remaining… well… if anything, Henery should be immediately cut just for allowing the above photo to be a thing. Fun fact: If you look up the word “d*ckish” in the dictionary, you’ll find a smug Jim Schwartz smiling right back at you. And while you could easily see getting carried off the field after beating Detroit in the fifth week of the regular season as the most Buffalo thing ever (landing as a tie with eating and drinking too much before sobbing uncontrollably… or is that Cleveland?), apparently asking your team to do this in the preseason, as far back as OTA’s seems, I don’t know, spiteful? Smarmy? Maladjusted? Well, to be fair, with Schwartz, no one would ever see him being that kind of guy… But hey, some good came out of this. Kyle Orton threw for over 300+ yards with a touchdown against the number one ranked defense in the NFL, which is pretty good. And probably the eighth sign that the end of the world is here.
Please, blog, may I have some more? SNF, Week 5: Bengals vs. Patriots
October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 42 Commentsby: Jay
Just in time for tonight’s prime time festivities, there are reports surfacing like leaky submarines (stay with me here) that “tension” exists between Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. If by tension you mean “sh*tty quarterback play”, then yes, I can see that.
Two sources told ESPN that former rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was drafted as Brady’s successor and the move could happen “sooner than later.” No source suggested that “sooner” would mean a change during the 2014 season.
So the question here is, what the heck does “soon” mean then? Soon to me is, like, soon. Not 365 days from now. Let’s figure out what these words actually mean before using them, yes?
Cincinnati, who could arguably be one of the best teams so far, brings in a well-balanced offensive attack, despite all the gingerness, not to mention a physical defense that has helped generated the only undefeated team in the AFC. Then again, the Bengals have a propensity to lay down in meaningful games, but lucky for them, this isn’t the playoffs.
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 5 Late Games: Bye Bye Bye Week
October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 10 Commentsby: Jay
The surprising Cardinals (3-0) are set to take on the Broncos (2-1) after both teams enjoyed their byes. That sounds hot. Denver has been surprisingly pedestrian in a lot of ways so far this season, beating the Chiefs and Colts by a touchdown before the overtime loss against Seattle. There’s been no word as of yet if authorities have located Demaryius Thomas, but I’m assuming they are just doing what Peyton Manning has been doing and confusing which Thomas is which. No, it’s that one. No, not that one. That one. Wait, now I’m confused. The undefeated Cardinals, which is not an oxymoron, I swear, is still without Carson Palmer. But that’s okay if you have a defense that’s only allowing 15 points a game and just 2.9 yards per carry. Sorry Montee Ball owners. But don’t worry! Next week he’ll be going against the… Jets… ewww. Yeah, nevermind.
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 5 Early Games: Questionabletron
October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 94 Commentsby: Jay
The latest reports coming out of Detroit are expressing caution… ever since the mayor signed a deal with the mega-corportaion Omni Consumer Products (OCP) to run and control the underfunded police force. Obviously, the city itself is on the verge of total collapse and anarchy, due to financial ruin and a high crime rate. To help combat this, OCP, in partnership with Hasbro, has created Megatron, a sentient robotic lifeform that has the ability to transform between his robot shape and that of a 29 year old, 6’5″, 236 lbs wide receiver, who, because of some sort of ankle circuitry malfunction, is questionable to fight against the ED-209 at OCP HQ to save the Detroit Police force, and also continue making Matt Stafford look like a good quarterback in this Sunday’s game against the Bills.
And that’s how you take Robocop, Transformers, the Detroit Lions, and Fantasy Football news, mix them together, and produce hot, edible nerd sauce for most meats and garnishes. Call me, ladies.
Week 5 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.
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