“All aboard!” Stevens called out, standing at the rear of a semi-truck he had been using to drive the RazzBowl tournament participants across the country for the last twelve weeks. He pulled out a clipboard, took a swig of his blue raspberry slurpee, and read names off a list. Such was the life of the #2 seed in the RazzBowl: always the clipboard holder, never the signal caller. 

“Jerry Jan–” Stevens started when he was interrupted by a hand shooting up out of the crowd. “HERE!” the voice shouted, its face covered by an Antonio Brown vintage helmet. The figure shoved forward, toward the Razzball trophy that sat un-loved on the asphalt. The figure rushed forward, grasping the trophy’s handle like a lover’s hand. The trophy was cold, its silver-lining frosted frosted from the morning mist in the mountains. “What have they done to you my precious?” the figure whispered through the mouthguard. 

“OK, Jerry, you’re sitting up front with me,” Stevens said. “Everybody else, you’ll be enjoying a free showing of Batman and Robin in the trailer. Now, let’s get the champions in! Next up, Will Weiler…” Stevens trailed off, ignoring the helmet-ed figure heading towards the cab of the semi.

That helmet-ed figure was, of course, not the Razzbowl #1 seed Jerry Janiga. Where Jerry was, nobody could quite tell. In the darkness that followed the hellscape that was Wednesday Afternoon Football in Week 12, the former #1 seed The Joey Wright had “dropped” Jerry from his “roster.” 

It began as a simple invitation to watch some “real football,” as Joey called it. Jerry had always wondered about the Premier League, and whether one day he could be the Peter Crouch of the fantasy football world. So Joey invited Jerry over to watch some tape of the lads from Liverpool. No, not those lads. 

“James Grande, Aaron Rieke, Jordan Loupe,” Stevens continued to call out to the crowd waiting to enter the semi-trailer. 

Joey showed Jerry what a 4-2-3-1 was, and how a winger could be both a defender and an attacker at the same time. 

“Josh Brickner, Nate Hamilton, Yancy Eaton,” Stevens droned, sipping from his slurpee. 

Jerry loved every minute of the Premier League. Joey had shown the #1 seed in the Razzbowl his Liverpool flag, and let Jerry put on a Liverpool jersey. “Standard Chartered,” Joey said, matter-of-factly. “Competitor to Barclays, the sponsor of the Premier League. You ever think of Denny’s sponsoring a team at the Outback Bowl?” Jerry laughed at that one. 

“Scott Frankel, Roto_Wan, Mick Ciallela,” Stevens finished the names on the list, watching the last Razzbowlers climb into the semi trailer. Up front, Joey heard his buddy Mick’s name called. “Good,” Joey thought, “I’ve got a friend on the inside.“

Jerry had loved his time learning about the Premier League that he was tired, and Joey offered him to rest on his bed. Jerry took him up on the offer, and woke up 2 hours later with his hands tied to the posts. Jerry didn’t like it, not at all. It was misery. 

“I like you Jerry,” Joey said, wearing his Razzbowl 2 shirt he had procured from RotoWear. “Us Liverpool fans have a saying: You’ll Never Walk Alone.” Joey laughed. “But I will.” 

Stevens put down his clipboard, opened the top of his slurpee cup, and slugged down the final ice remnants. “You forgot somebody,” a voice called, getting Stevens’ attention. “Aaron Pags, prop bettor extraordinaire, reporting for duty.” The clipboard never left Stevens’ side. He grunted, only commenting, “Nice try, 31. You were 3 points short.” Stevens walked to the cab, taking the driver’s side next to the man he believed to be Jerry Janiga. 

But the cab was empty. No fantasy footballer. No trophy. No resupply of blue raspberry slurpees. 

Stevens picked up the CB mic and started shouting, “WE’VE GOT A RUNNER!” But before he could utter over, a knock came at his window. 

Two men stood there, one of them in an Antonio Brown helmet. The other, he looked so familiar, but like a friend seen from far away. The unknown man removed the Antonio Brown helmet from his partner, revealing The Joey Wright to be the thief of the Razzbowl trophy. 

Joey turned to the unknown man and shouted, “How did you know I was taking the trophy?” 

The unknown man — the friend from far away — picked up the trophy in his hand. “I’ve missed you,” he said, and suddenly it dawned on everybody. With a calm smile, he said, “Stevens, you’ve got six more of us to bring along to the championship bracket. You don’t need to show us where to go, I think I know the way.” 

It was the 2019 Razzbowl champion, Mike Beers. 

Mike tossed the trophy up to Stevens and pushed Joey toward the trailer door. “Don’t mind us, we’ve got a movie to catch.” Mike walked back, a faint wink seen in his eye, shouting, “I’ll see you soon, Stevens!”

Cutline 1 Finished

Well, well, well. Nothing completes a wild and wacky tournament like Wednesday Afternoon Football, eh? How did everybody hold up this week in fantasy football? Awfully? Yeah, me too! 

Following the first round of the cutline, we have Jerry Janiga posting the best score in the Razzbowl, and he takes the #1 seed into the next cutline round. Jerry will be joined by 35 other brave fantasy footballers in the championship bracket — 30 of the best players in the first championship round, and 6 of the best players from the wild card bracket. 

One of those six players is, none other than, 2019 RazzBowl champion Mike Beers. He did say he would be back to defend the trophy, after all. 

The Razzball Crew will be represented in the Razzbowl by Roto_Wan, who has been ranked as high as fifth in the competition and currently sits at #25 in the main event. Several authors you know and love narrowly missed the cut: Aaron Pags was #31, B_Don was #33, Bobby LaMarco was #35, Coolwhip was #36, and AlFFred (BOOF!) was #41. With a competition this tight, they missed the cutline by 14 points over a three week span (+9 weeks of average scoring). That is, statistically, just wild. Sometime you have the luck, and sometimes luck has you. 

But, they are not out of the competition. They are just relegated (you see how the Premier League prep above comes into play? It’s like I’m Chekov!) to the Wild Card bracket. Those of us (points to self) who performed poorly through the first cutline and were in the Wild Card bracket are now eliminated. So long, auf weidersehn, adieu. 

What’s next? Why, we’re making the cutline even cuttier! So, in Week 13, you’re carrying the averages of all your previous weeks/rounds and adding them to your Week 13 score. The top 20 in championship bracket advance, along with 4 wild card teams getting promoted to the championship tier. Relegation and promotion continues week-by-week until, like the Highlander, there will be only one. 

Good luck everybody, and thanks for following along!