After the third mantra of forgiveness, Donkey Teeth realized that what he was about to do was, in fact, inhuman nature. With his mind on a trophy and his heart filled with envy, he opened the door to his podcasting station. He picked up the iPhone that had Grey on speed dial, and he turned it off. “Won’t be needing that where I’m going,” he thought to himself. With a flick of his wrist he powered on the Razz-pooter, the super-workstation that powered the Razzball media empire. He minimized his windows of rankings, leaving only the 8K background visible: the giant, smiling face of Pat Fitzmaurice. “I’ll avenge you, friend.” Donkey Teeth whispered while he loaded up Twitter. 

“Alexa, play my hunting playlist,” he said, fully knowing his assistant was named BDon. In a cot in the corner, BDon arose from his rest and put on the new Taylor Swift album on the Sonos speakers. 

“Is it time?” BDon asked, groggy from a one-hour nap after 37 hours spent transcoding podcasts. 

“Fetch me my claws, Alexa,” Donkey Teeth answered. He directed his Twitter to Ben Grivas, a lion avatar gracing the page. “We’re not dealing with a shark here. Grivas is a full-fledged lion. And you know what defeats a lion?”

BDon thought for a moment. “A trophy hunter?” He handed Donkey Teeth a pair of gloves with shrapnel affixed in the shape of wolverine claws. 

“No!” Donkey Teeth retorted. “Now give me the mask. The only thing that can defeat a lion is my spirit animal.”

“A sharp-witted donkey?” BDon asked, handing over a bug-eyed mask. 

“A Chupacabra,” Donkey Teeth said, his chest bursting with pride. 

“You spent all your best ball winnings on a chupacabra furry costume, didn’t you?” BDon asked. 

“Used furry costume. It was a tough year for us Christian McCaffrey managers,” Donkey Teeth replied. “But! If it gets me the Razzbowl trophy, it’s worth it.” 

BDon knew his friend and podcast mate had been affected by the disease that’s been newly-inscribed into the medical literature: Wild Card Psychosis. It’s caused when a person loses their mind when they’re in a Wild Card bracket for too long. And with Christian McCaffrey managers suffering the worst of anybody in 2020, Donkey Teeth was more loco than a Taco Bell across from a high school on a Friday night.

“You know that Ben Grivas isn’t actually a lion, right?” BDon asked, fluffing the fur on the Chupacabra suit. It felt gritty, like the shedded pelt from a snake.  

“Guy’s got 18 Twitter followers. I can take him, even if he calls all of his friends to the fight,” Donkey Teeth responded. “Now, did you finish transcoding our podcast read-through of Pride and Prejudice? The patreons are excited to hear your take on Mr. Darcy!” 

“Wild Card Psychosis,” BDon sighed. He zipped up the chupacabra suit and gave his co-host a hug. It was sincere, yet envious. “I can’t believe this guy got promoted to the championship bracket.” 

Donkey Teeth started grunting, but not in the kind of way that would make this a romance novel. BDon’s hug was more bearish than human. “You’ve been in the Wild Card bracket just as long as me, BDon! We’re the buddy comedy of fantasy sports podcasting! Let me go!”

And so it goes, when doves cry. When fantasy footballers remain in the wild card bracket too long, and lose their marbles. BDon knew the end was near. One more week. One more cut. He released his hug. 

“Go, DT! Get out of here!” BDon replied, pushing a microphone out of the way and hustling his Chupacabra-suited partner out of the room. “Get that lion!” 

“Alexa, close the door!” Donkey Teeth shouted. BDon closed the door, and booted down the Razz-pooter. In shambles, he returned to his cot. The psychosis will take me, he thought. Cam Akers, 2021 RB1, he muttered to himself before sleep came. 

Week 14 Recap

What is up everybody? We’re down to two playing weeks left in the Razzbowl, and this week, 14 members of the championship tier are advancing and 2 members of the wild card tier are getting promoted. If you skipped the fan fiction above, you missed that Ben Grivas is ranked #1! Yay Ben! If he got everybody in the championship tier to follow him on Twitter, he’d double his followers. And, our very own Donkey Teeth is getting the call up to the main event after slumbering in the wild card division for a while. 

And you know what? At least 9 out of the 14 championship spots are occupied by fans right now. CHOOSE YOUR EXPLETIVE AND SAY IT LOUD. 

Next week, the top 9 teams from the championship bracket and 1 team from the wild card bracket advance. Those ten teams will then fight it out in a battle royale in Week 16 for the Razzbowl trophy. 

If you’re in the wild card bracket, there are still t-shirts to be doled out in the consolation bracket. I got one of the t-shirts a week or so ago, and they’re comfy. Seriously, clothes are hard to come by in the covid world, so get some sweet T’s. 

Special shoutout to Bobby Kelly and Joey Wright, who are in the championship bracket in both the main event and the qualifier of the Razzbowl. Your boi Blair was cut from the main event two weeks ago, and I’m cut from the qualifier this week. Now I know how the other half lives! 

Again, if you’re liking what I did here with these overly dramatic and clearly hyperbolic fan fictions of a fantasy football tournament (Take that The League!), say thanks by grabbing an ad-free membership to any of the sites, buy some sweet merch, tell a friend about us, or just say thanks down in the comments or on Twitter. 

Good luck in the last few weeks!