Greetings! After witnessing Peyton the redeemer, AKA Peyton the Elder, DECIMATE the once proud hearts of Kansas City Chiefs fans, I have two questions for you fine people: 1) Can we now put a stop to doubting Manning in the regular season? The old geezer may live off of Papa John’s and Chicken Parm, but on Thursday Night Football, he served nothing but grizzly tube-steak, force feeding the veiny meat down the throats of the Chiefs secondary. And 2) Are we going to stop complaining about the quality of TNF games? The battle started out limper than Stephen Baldwin’s career, but when that whistle blew, I find it difficult to believe ANY of you were questioning the quality of entertainment you just witnessed. Yes, I was once a detractor of TNF games, but with the inclusion of many more inter-divisional games and the upgraded ability for teams to prepare on a short week, going back to last season, it’s actually been quite solid. Enough of tonguing Peyton’s taint, though I know many of you would like to dive further into the discussion, the purpose of this post is to inform you of my most inner thoughts and dark secrets regarding Sunday and Monday’s games.
I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take heed!
You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs.
Johnny Manziel – No, I’m not going to hit you with some lame, “Heeeeeere’s Johnny” line, though I obviously desired to do so. What I’m going to do is let you know that though the Titans finished 2015 15th in passing defense and they were 31st in run defense. And what, my goodmen, does Johnny Heisman excel at? Other than putting Merril Hoge in his place for wearing those despicable fat ties? It would be escaping the pocket and getting up the field. Johnny come lately had 35-yards rushing in Week 1, with another 30 or so yards taken away by penalties. Look, I believe Dick LeBeau is going to blitz the shizz out of him, but barring injury, Manziel is not leaving this game, so the stats SHOULD be there in the end. If you’re desperate, get him in there! Say one thing for Merril Hoge, he’s a tool of the highest order.
Joe Flacco – I live by two rules: Pipe anything that moves… and most of the time, I like starting quarterbacks who are playing against the Oakland Raiders, especially when their secondary is more decimated than Richard Gere’s rectum after a gerbil session. Seriously, the Raiders already impuissant defensive backfield is already down Nate Allen and team leader Charles Woodson. Even with Baltimore’s lack of wide receiver talent, Flacco should do enough work to end up with solid numbers. I’m hoping so anyway, for else, I’ll look bad and that’s unacceptable.
Tevin Coleman – The Giants were 30th against the run last year, and with somehow even less talent on the defensive side of the ball in 2015, I expect Coleman to have a very scrumptious outing. On half of his runs against Philadelphia, Coleman looked like he was inches away from busting the money shot and he’s clearly a far superior runner than Devonta Freeman. Man, Coleman looks good. If my eye for talent hasn’t disappeared, I’d say this guy has a solid chance of becoming a full blown star.
Dion Lewis – Good Gods, I feel disgusting for even writing about a Patriot in my column, but the fact of the matter is, that I expect MY Buffalo Bills to clamp down on Gronk and Edelman, forcing Brady to attempt more dump-offs than a Mexican drug mule. Look, I’m not here to tell you to start Adrian Peterson or not. I’m here to give you some under the radar plays for the flex or deeper leagues, and in this case, your PPR leagues. Also, don’t ever mention again that I wrote about a New England Patriot. I didn’t want it to come to this.
Anquan Boldin – Rich Homie Quan only had four receptions for 36 yards in Week 1, then again, he wasn’t going against a secondary that couldn’t start at the University of Alabama, let alone the NFL. I fully expect Kaepernick to make it rain on the copper curtain, allowing Boldin to have the kind of day the Elder Gods told me over a heavy peyote smoke sesh would occur. It has been written.
Sammy Watkins – Everyone is down on my boy, I am Sam, and that’s not cool. It’s not cool at all. Vontae Davis, one of the five best defensive backs in the league, was draped on Watkins last week, and when you couple that with the fact that the Bills threw the ball three times total in the second half… you have your explanation. The Patriots simply have nobody in their secondary that can cover this freak show, and I plan on him hitting pay dirt.
Crockett Gillmore – I believe I mentioned Crockett last week… or was I discussing the actress from the hit WB show Gillmore Girls that I had a torrid affair with in 2003? Either way, I love Gillmore this week if you’re in a deep league or playing DFS. As I mentioned earlier, the Raiders secondary has more penetrable holes in it than the entire Kardashian family put together. Gillmore was THIS close to catching a game winning touchdown against Denver last week and you witnessed what Eifert did to Oakland, so this is a no brainer.
St. Louis Rams – This has all the makings of a bludgeoning of historic proportions. Mix the Rams destructive pass rush with the impotent Kirk Cousins and his tendency to throw a minimum of two picks a game, and we could have a full on disaster on our hands folks. Pay whatever is necessary for them.
Ryan Tannehill – I feel like I’m the only Tanny hater on the planet, and guys/gals, sometimes it’s no fun being alone… unless your significant other is out of town anyway. Then you can watch porn with the volume all the way up! Or even plug the USB into the TV and watch it on the big screen! Have at it! Anyways, the Jags defense is DECENT, therefore I don’t expect anything more than 250 yards and one TD from Tannehill. What has this guy done to deserve the praise he gets? Lead a few teams to 8-8 records with NO DEEP BALL ABLITY? Like, I enjoy watching the young man’s athleticism, but he seems only capable of throwing 10 yard passes. Yippeeeeee. Maybe run Lamar Miller more than five times a game. The offensive coordinator, Bill Lazor, is running a total clown show in Miami and I look for the entire staff to be fired WHEN (not if) they miss the playoffs. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Marcus Mariota – Cleveland was 8th in passing defense last season, and they’re coming into a must win home opener. Yes, I said it, MUST WIN! Everyone’s job is on the line in Cleveland, so they should pull out all the stops on defense Sunday. The Elders have cautioned me in praising Mariota, telling me to take into account that Lovie Smith is a hapless has-been and the Bucs defense is devoid of any real talent overall talent. So don’t get cray and start Mariota over Peyton Manning or something… ohhh, too late? I feel for you, I truly do.
Chris Johnson – Look, the Bears defense is trailer trash, but let’s not forget the fact that over the past four seasons, CJ2k has been about as noteworthy as Christian Slater’s acting career. If you didn’t get my point, it means that Johnson has no talent and should have retired years ago. Now, I expect him get 3-4 yards a carry and all that, but I’m assuming the Cardinals throw the ball even more than usual on Sunday. Stay away unless you’re truly desperate. Desperate like Slater is for work.
Amir Abdullah – It’s official, the hype train is officially out of control for Abdullah. I will get on my knees and suck the grime off each and every one of your toes if Abdullah hits pay dirt on Sunday. Joique Bell needs to get his fat ass in shape and start leading the team in carries every week as he should. Abdullah is VERY sexy change of pace back, but I like the Vikings defense to put the clamps on him in Week 2.
Nelson Agholor – Not sure if you witnessed the Falcons/Eagles game, but if you did, then you know Agholor looked like rhino dung, and hopefully Chip Kelly punished him accordingly. But seriously, the rookie looked awful in Week 1, which was surprising when considering he seemed the most ready to go receiver from this draft class other than Amari Cooper. Extremely disappointing and I’d stay away until he proves his worth.
James Jones – Soooooo, dude has a couple scores and everyone jumps on the bandwagon? My goodmen, we’ve seen this tale before! Only when Jones was a younger man and a better player. Look, I’ve always been the biggest James supporter this is, but with this offense, we literally have no clue who is going to have the nice week. We still have Cobb, Davante Adams, and Richard Rogers. So unless you believe the Packers are going to either blow out the Seahawks (please, Elder Gods, NO!), or hit Jones one of the few touchdowns they actually score, I’d stay away.
Larry Donnell – Let me know when he passes Daniel Fells on the depth chart, aaaaaahkay?
Seattle Seahawks – Seattle’s defense always has the ability to go off, but with an Aaron Rodgers who rarely throws picks, I highly doubt this is their week to do so. Now, the Packers offensive line is pretty banged up so I suppose there is the chance for some sack fumbles, but you got to stream here, playas.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Start’ em Sit’ em. As per usual your comments and questions can and will be responded to below. I’m here for you, my sons and daughters. Together, we shall taste sweet victory. Best of luck.
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