Homies, I’m home! Greetings! I come to you live from Kathmandu, at a retreat where other Elder God chosen worshipers come to participate in peyote smoking, animal sacrifice, and some other mind-stimulating activities I’m not at liberty to discuss. Living at this elevation has really helped me clear my head of all negative thoughts and distractions, and if the Elders are correct, this will be the greatest weekend of my Fantasy Football predicting life. Thus far, we’ve discussed “fear of failure” and “radical acceptance”, and all of a sudden, things have become so clear for me; Razzball will go on to become the largest fantasy sports site on the planet and I will ride around our world’s largest cities on an elephant while women throw themselves at my well manicured feet. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take heed!
My rankings have been updated and can be found here.
Russell Wilson – In order for MY Seattle Seahawks to win this game, RW is going to have to call upon his “God”, chug a couple gallons of that holy water he promotes, avoid the Bengals pass rush in the same fashion he avoids having sex with his celebrity girlfriend, who, by the way, looks like she could break a world record for time on a mechanical bull (dem legs doe), and actually find some folks in the end zone. I say he does all that and more.
Matt Ryan – Hmmm, let’s see here: Washington is already missing D’Angelo Hall and now opposite starter, Chris Culliver, has been ruled out. AND now they have to go to Hotlanta and face the high powered Falcons offense? I’d give better odds to a Chihuahua facing a Pit Bull (what an awful thought). I don’t care that Washington is 10th in pass yards given up, there will be blood.
T.J. Yeldon – Okay Teej, if you can’t find it inside of you to rush for over 120 yards and a touchdown on Lovie’s inept defense, I’m going to pay for a gargantuan Toby Gerhart billboard to go up in Jacksonville. I’m simply not seeing enough. Who do I have to blow to get ONE breakaway!? You ever suck D for a TD?
Chris Thompson – Desperation and possible DFS play this week as the Falcons should be up from the get go, and as we witnessed last week, Thompson is seemingly always on the field in these situations… remember when Matt Jones was a thing?
Julio Jones/Leonard Hankerson – Jones is the obvious one, obviously, but Hankerson is a must start this week. Shooooot, I’d even consider starting Roddy White against this secondary. Atlanta, home of the most dynamic offense in the NFL, as well as the best strip clubs in the world. Why I don’t live there? I have no clue.
Pierre Garçon – Even though Desmond Trufant should be lacquered on his jockstrap for the entire game, Garçon has the talent to pile up some solid statistics this week and he will most definitely have the targets. Extremely solid option this week.
Maxx Williams – Let’s try this again, shall we? Steve Smith is out. Perriman is still MIA and if I’m fakin’, then I’m Kamar Aiken. I’ve witnessed dudes flipping burgers at Mickey D’s with more talent than the remaining Ravens wideouts. Two things to take from that statement: 1) It’s all about opportunity. and 2) McDonalds is now serving breakfast all day. Those McGriddles go straight to my ass. Ughhhhhh.
Denver Broncos Defense – Insane pass rush? Yep. Great cover corners? Yep Yeppers. Playing at home? Yesireee Bobbit. Whatever the cost may be in DFS, Big Daddy Beddict is paying up. Sometimes you must pay the cost to be a boss. Say one thing for Von Miller, he’s one of the greatest air-humpers to ever grace this planet.
Derek Carr – I have already written about the outstanding Broncos defense that has given up the lowest amount of yards per game along with accumulating an impressive 18 quarterback takedowns. No matter what happens this Sunday, Derek is still better than his brother, David, and really, what else truly matters? Stay away.
Andy Dalton – Richard Sherman. Cam Chancellor. Earl Thomas. Cary Williams. The Legion of Boom! The Seahawks are surrendering a meager 190 yards per game through the sky right now, while only allowing three passing touchdowns. You do the math, or think about it, or whatever…
Isaiah Crowell – With Duke Johnson coming on, along with the addition of Robert Turbin, it seems to me as if Crowell’s days are numbered. This hurts me deeply as I’m a gigantic Cro fan, but Mike Pettine and the entire Cleveland staff is inept and doesn’t seem to understand the concept of handing the ball off more frequently, especially when it’s working. Simply just not a safe start. Ever, really.
Amari Cooper – I was burned the last time I put Cooper in this category, as he was facing whom I thought was one of the best corners in the league: Joe Haden. I’ve since been shamed by the Elder Gods for my lack of belief, but these Denver corners are real. HOWEVER, I will point out that Mike Wallace roasted Chris Harris a couple times and was missed, so it is doable… but that’s kind of like saying Christian Slater winning an Emmy for his lead role in a show on HBO that then reignites his film career.
Willie Snead – Can we have more Cooks, Coleman, and C.J. Spiller, PLEASE? I don’t feel like I’m asking for too much. Snead is clearly the least talented of the group, and I fully expect a drop in production.
Rob Gronkowski – You see, the statistics say… I’m totally kidding. GRONK ME! GRONK ME ALL NIGHT!
Seattle Seahawks Defense – The Bengals turn the ball over less frequently than Jordan Gordon-Levitt [Jay’s Note: Haha, who’s that?]. Seriously, have you ever witnessed an actor GIFTED so many huge roles without being a major reason for ANY of his past film’s success? It’s like he’s blackmailing all the studio heads in Hollywood. There’s truly no other explanation. But, yeah, I expect Seattle’s defense to play solid again, it’s just not a great matchup as far as sacks and turnovers are concerned… we’re still going to win that game though!
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em. You honor me with your readership and I will continue to attempt to do right by you with suggestions in the comment section below. Never lose faith in the Elders and have a wonderful weekend!
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