Greetings! What an exceptional birthday week I just received! I’d like to start by thanking the Elder Gods with continuing to bless me with great health (physically, anyways), and I’d like to thank the big boss Jay(Wrong), for giving me a day off to fully soak in the reality that I am no longer flexible enough to shave my own ass. Yoga it is! What a wonderful place to meet open-minded women! Anyways, I’m a year older, a year wiser, and a WHOLE LOT better at projecting NFL players’s production… hopefully… maybe… okay, so probably not, but I can still have an awesome time trying! Big daddy needs to hit the gym, so let’s get to players I like and dislike this week, aaaaahkay?
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start Em’, Sit Em’! Take heed!
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Start ’em
Colin Kaepernick – I know, I know, EVERYONE and dey momma likes Kaepernick this week and Beddict is going to tell you why. First off, the 49ers are beyond desperate to get a win and they’re playing at home. Secondly, the Ravens ranks 24th in pass defense and 16th in run defense, and guess what? Kaepernick can do both of those things, especially when competing against sub-par competition. The Gabbert watch won’t begin for at least a few more weeks, and thank the Gods for that.
Peyton Manning – Okay Peyton, the Browns are missing both Joe Haden and Tashuan Gibson, so if you can’t give us 250 yards and 3 Tubs against these jokers, I’m fully ready to write you off completely. The duck king is officially in his last season as far as I’m concerned, and if he doesn’t get it turned around soon, the Broncos coaching staff has to seriously consider benching him. Forced retirement, you taste so goooood.
Dion Lewis/LaGarrette Blount – Not only is Indy 22nd in run defense, but, uhhhhhh, they have no talent on defense, so I fully expect the Patriots to aggressively force the Colts defense to deep throat this fire and ice combo all day long. Has the name “Icy Hot” been taken? You ever accidentally got that stuff on your scrotum? You should totally check it out some time if not.
DeAndre Hopkins – My number one receiver for the week is facing the Jags, a teamed ranked 21st in pass defense, and frankly I’m shocked they’re ranked that high. Jacksonville is basically a J.V. team going against the varsity every week, and a cleaning of house is direly needed. Hoyer has a problem feeding his elite weapons, as we witnessed what he did with Josh Gordon a few years back. Yeah, remember that guy!? Jacksonville is the Christian Slater of the NFL; No, not because they’re terrible and have been trash for seemingly countless years and have no almost no hope of ever being relevant, but because nobody respects them.
Alshon Jeffery – Lookie here, ya’ll; if Alshon is playing after sitting what seems the entire season, then I’m assuming he has zero limitations. Soooooo, that means that Jeffery absolutely needs to be ranked in every FantasyPros ranker’s top-15 or I’m revoking your credentials! Please don’t make me do you like Caine did Chauncey! I meeeeean, he’s going against a Detroit defense that has completely laid down on their coaching staff and fans. Maybe I need to put Jeffery in my top-8. “Beddict, is you serious”? You know it!
Zach Ertz – The Giants have been hit with more bombs than Saddam Hussein’s crib, and I’m calling for Ertz, Philadelphia’s second leading receiver, to score his first touchdown of the season.
Sit ’em
Cam Newton – In Carolina’s last four games against the Seahawks, they’ve averaged a peasant-like 11.5 points a game. Think about that for a second and when you’re done, please attempt to process how incredibly insane and fascinating that truly is. Newton hasn’t managed to hit pay dirt on the ground in either of those four games and in assuming that Seattle comes out ready to play this week after an EMBARRASSING and DISGRACEFUL loss to the Bengals, I wouldn’t expect him to do so this week either.
E.J. Manuel – Sammy Watkins, who can’t seem to get off his woe-dingie, needs to silence himself and stop underhandedly taking shots at the Elder Gods chosen son, Tygod, before he is forced to do battle with me, live at the city of Buffalo’s most happening spot… Applebee’s. Say one thing for Applebee’s, their food is low grade dog food. If E.J. Manuel starts this game, the Bills get 21-pointed. Pass the sticks!
Got me praying for Tyrod’s return like…..
Every Browns skill player other than Barnidge – Is this the end of Josh McCown’s incredible streak of insane play? In a word, yes! Denver’s defense is doing things I haven’t thought possible since I did acid with 13 Tibetan monks back in 2003. I simply don’t believe the Browns have any chance of winning this game whatsoever, nor do they have any wideouts that can beat Talib or Chris Harris. Stay away from this one, my goodmen.
T.J. Yeldon – Watching T.J. Yeldon play football reminds me the old man at a gym I used to go to that would blow dry his pubes and the hand dryer by the sink ass naked; I’d really rather not watch. Oh yeah, and he’s banged up and possibly missing the game.
Jonathan Stewart – Coming back to his home state, one would assume Stewart would be super jacked up, getting to play in front of his friends and family. If only they weren’t all banned from the stadium since he abandoned University of Washington to go to their most hated rival, the Oregon Ducks. He’s also been horrendous this season and is facing an incredibly solid run defense.
Antonio Brown – Brown needs to be bumped down outside of ranker’s top 20 this week. He’s going against a fearsome Cardinals defense that will be keying on him, and when you add in the fact that Michael Vick doesn’t seem to click with him, AT ALL, it’s simply irresponsible to rank him anywhere close to the top-10. Obviously, if you own him, you’re probably playing him, but I’m just saying…
Jimmy Graham – I almost made a gut call and put Graham in the Start section, but until I see anything exciting other than ONE cool TD against the hapless Bears, I’m not touching this guy in DFS or in a trade. Seattle simply doesn’t know how to use star receiving weapons on offense. I believe this falls on both the offensive coordinator and that pathetic offensive line. It’s just not worth the risk, but on a positive note, I’m sure he’ll be demanding a trade this offseason. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Patriots Defense – The Pats have had some nice outings this season, but you’d be much better off taking a rhino tusk up the ying yang then you would starting this suspect pass defense against a charged up Andrew Luck and his full complement of weapons. I expect a high scoring game, even if 14 of them come in garbage time.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Start Em’, Sit Em’. As always, it’s been an absolute pleasure and I’ll be taking all your questions and comments below. Enjoy the weekend and don’t get arrested. Peace and love.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Beddict143.
