Before we get started, don’t forget to cover your doors with lamb’s blood. The groundhog saw his shadow, which means the polar vortex is here to eat all of your first-born. Or something like that. So, where to begin? I heard there was a football game on last night… pray tell.

The overriding theme before the game was the #1 Offense vs. the #1 Defense. I guess we saw the answer to that equation. It would have been nice to see a competitive game, but I think that would have required the Denver Broncos actually showing up to the stadium. I mean, Phillip Seymour Hoffman had a better day than Peyton Manning. Luckily, it was the last football game for a long time or I would have stopped watching. I mean, the 4th preseason game of the Jaguars was a better affair… regardless, here’s how it all went down… the drain.

The 48th Super Bowl got off to an auspicious start with Joe Namath effing up the coin toss. Broadway Joe did appear sober, said no one ever. Sadly, he was rushed off the field before he could snog Russell Wilson. Could that be topped? Oh, boy, did Denver want that title bad. The ‘Year of The Safety’ was well represented when an errant snap by Manny Ramirez into the end-zone created the first (of so so much) Manningface of the night. A guy named Manny Ramirez doing something stupid? Shocking. The first quarter was capped off with Robinson Cano hitting two three-run homers, making it an 8-0 lead as the Denver Broncos paid tribute to the Jets offense for some reason.

Mark 10:37 down in your notes, because I did. That’s the time in the second quarter when the Broncos got their first first-down. UNSTOPPABLE OFFENSE. Then, the second quarter happened and things got out of control. Hint, the Manning brothers have now officially completed more passes to the other team in MetLife Stadium for 2014. Honestly, with all the talk about the weather for this Super Bowl, the last thing I expected was a Denver sh*t-storm.

Then, of course, half-time. Or basically what I call 14 minutes of Bruno Mars wondering why girls always dump him. Interesting Fact #1: The Red Hot Chili Peppers have been together longer than Bruno Mars has been alive. Interesting Fact #2: Pete Carroll delivers all messages by written letter because he fears the NSA is watching.

While you could argue that the game was over at half-time, Percy Harvin cemented that outcome with a touchdown on a pop-up kickoff designed to limit exactly that at the start of the second-half. The rest of the game was really a bunch of nothing except Joe Buck and Troy Aikman giving me thoughts of stigmata and Denver trying to test to see if there actually is a mercy rule in the NFL. They did at least score one touchdown, which was enough to not be considered the worst offense in Super Bowl history. But it was laughingly close for a team lauded for having exactly the opposite of that.

THIS BRONCOS TEAM, I CALL THEM 80′S METAL, BECAUSE ONCE SEATTLE SHOWED UP, THEY WERE INSTANTLY IRRELEVANT. Though, I feel like, with enough weed, Broncos fans in Denver will wake up this morning feeling really excited for the Super Bowl.

Russell Wilson – 18-25, 206 YDS, 2 TD and 3 CAR, 26 YDS. Wilson will now be considered, arguably, the best of the next-gen QB’s. And while a Super Bowl win doesn’t really do anything to your fantasy stock, unless your named Joe Flacco, I don’t see any issue of putting him in-or-around the top-10 area.

Peyton Manning34-49, 280, 1 TD, 2 INT. Was fully charged and ready to UPGRADE the Seahawks. But, was no match for the mighty narrative. PEYTON CAN’T COVER KICKOFFS IN MODERATE WEATHER… Let the record show that Eli Manning is the better Manning during a Super Bowl. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Tavaris Jackson – 0-1, 0 YDS. Is it too early to observe that Tavaris Jackson will have as many rings as Peyton?

Marshawn Lynch – 15 CAR, 39 YDS, 1 TD. Beast a la mode. I missed the third quarter. Any reason Lynch wasn’t in the game? Unexpectidly, the Broncos actually were able to contain the Beastmode for most part. However, they couldn’t do much else. And it’s pretty obvious that Lynch goes into next season as a top-5 running back.

Knowshon Moreno – 5 CAR, 17 YDS and 3 REC, 20 YDS. Adjusting to sea-level is very difficult. I know Gilpin remains very high on this guy, as if he actually were a Colorado resident, but I just don’t see it. Moreno is an okay back, but not an elite one. A RB2? Sure, that’s fine. But anything more is stretching it.

Montee Ball6 CAR, 1 YDs and 2 REC, 2 YDS. Well, you know how much John Fox loves his veterans. That being said, I think there’s a good chance Ball starts taking away carries from Moreno as soon as next season.

Percy Harvin – 1 REC, 5 YDS and 2 CAR, 45 YDS. “I CALL PERCY HARVIN MY WIFE BECAUSE HE ALWAYS HAS A HEADACHE!” But seriously, he picked a hell of a day to not have a headache. Fantasy relevant in 2014? Sure. But only has a high-risk/high-reward bench play at the moment. 

Demaryius Thomas13 REC, 118 YDS, 1 TD. It should be noted that Thomas actually had a better season than Calvin Johnson. Not by much, mind you, but what does that do to his value? It’s not like Peyton Manning is going anywhere. Mostly because his forehead get’s stuck in a lot of places that don’t have cathedral ceilings. But it’ll be interesting to see where he lands for my 2014 rankings.

Wes Welker – 8 REC, 84 YDS. So much wasted grit… he catches that gazillion times out of 20 times, amiright?

Julius Thomas4 REC, 27 YDS. Nothing to see here. Just move along.

Steven Hauschka – 2-2, 11 PTS. Was the MVP of the first quarter, for what it’s worth.

BREAKING NEWS, Joe Namath seen climbing the Statue of Liberty, looking for a big smooch.

My concluding thought? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BE THE LAST FOOTBALL GAME OF THE SEASON? Anyways, Pete Carroll had such a great time, that’s for sure. Too bad he’ll find out later today it was all an elaborate hoax.

Oh, we should also take a moment to remember that Floyd Mayweather bet $10.4 million on the Broncos… lol.

  1. Mark says:

    Hey Sherman, isn’t karma a bitch?

    • smegma says:

      @Mark: Karma would have occurred if the Seahawks lost. Sherman will have plenty of time to walk off his high ankle sprain. It’s too bad Sherman and his d-bag coach have a ring.

      • Sky

        Sky says:

        @Mark: @smegma: I see all yer hates and I bite my thumb at thee. GO ‘HAWKS!

      • Mark says:

        @smegma: He got hurt, another defensive player got the MVP and Thomas had 100+ yards. The team won, Sherman lost. That’s karma.

    • Jay

      Jay says:

      @Mark: yeh, small price to pay for a ring.

  2. Michael says:

    The real Superbowl took place two weeks ago when the Seahawks beat the 49ers.

    • Jay

      Jay says:

      @Michael: Much better game, so I can’t disagree. AFC seems so much weaker this year in comparison.

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