PMSArizonaCardinals

That’s right folks. One of the best teams in the NFL (tied with Denver for the league’s best record) is none other than the Seattle Seahawks, Detroit Lions, New England Patriots, Arizona Cardinals. I believe this fact, combined with the Cleveland Browns having a winning record in November, is what was described in the bible as “Judgement Day”. Or maybe I’m thinking of some Terminator movie. Either way, the world is ending, but not before the offensive, defensive, adequate in all facets juggernaut known as the Cardinals has a chance to build off an unlikely Cowboys defeat at the hands of Colt McCoy (lol). The latest news, of this writing, has Tony Romo questionable and a game-time decision, but I have to think Josh Gordon, like myself, is really looking forward to Weeden’. Even if Brandon Weeden does take the start, you’d have to think that DeMarco Murray will touch the ball around 564 times, which, if I did the math right, is only two more times than his season average… should be fun!

Week 9 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

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Cardinals Fever Football

Hey guys, you can call off the search party now. I found Kid Rock. All is well.

Despite having a spectacularly unreliable offense at times, the Chip Kelly innovated™ Philadelphia Eagles find themselves 5-1, vying for the NFC East lead with the surprisingly competent Cowboys. And while we are still a good month and some days away from December, this looks like a finish that should provide plenty of entertainment, with a healthy side of NFC East derp, the purist derp out there, some would say. The Cardinals, who have had their own issues on offense, also bring a 5-1 record, trying to prove that Arizona is the new Seattle. All you need is not to be landlocked, and have some sort of progressive movement, and, you know, have a good football team. Well, you got one of the three so far… let’s see what happens next.

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Except for 2010, the Chargers or Broncos have won the AFC West every year since 2004, and the other team finished second in seven of those years. Mainly because the Raiders are gonna Raider. The series, as a whole, has been quite the see-saw battle over the decades, starting back to their shared AFL days, all the way to the aforementioned 2004 season. You see, that’s when Philip Rivers came. Which would be the start of seven straight children. Get it? Also there were those nine victories in his first 11 starts against the AFC rival. However, the now Peyton Manning led Broncos have won five of the past six games, and he’s coming off a game where he threw his record-breaking 509th touchdown. While the Chargers defense is missing several key play-makers, most notably in the linebacker corps, and the defensive line, and the secondary, so pretty much everywhere, it remains to be seen if they can limit Manning to double-digit touchdowns. That being said, the Broncos were heavily favored in last year’s Thursday night game and managed to let Rivers and the Chargers offense drive the football in 25 minute increments, most likely a key recipe for tonight not to be a blow out. Just like how my recipe for tonight will be profound alcohol consumption and crying. Whether they are tears of happiness or tears of sadness, well, like always, that’s up to what kind of porn I watch after the game…

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The word coming out of Pittsburgh is that the Steelers aren’t about to panic, but it should be noted this is what people usually say when they are panicking. In an epic battle between two 3-3 teams (funny story, did you know Seattle is also 3-3?), the Steelers look to rebound from what has been an inconsistent season so far. In this case, whatever Ben Roethlisberger has wanted, did, in actuality, not happen. Maybe the story would be different if their games were played in the bathroom stall? But the next best thing for them is they are on a three-game set at home, starting with the equally inconsistent J.J. Watts, who some people call the Texans. Watt leads the NFL with 20 hits on quarterbacks (please hit Ben a lot tonight), and has 40% of the team’s sacks. What would help is Ryan Fitzpatrick showing more of that Fitzmagic. Err, wait, that magic has actually led to a 58.9 passer rating, so maybe less magic here bro. But keep the beard. Trying to figure out if you’re a confederate general from the Civil War, or the lead singer of the Spin Doctors is the only thing that entertains me when you’re trying to drive the football. It’s Monday Night Football, so it’ll be interesting to see if my television can survive the Chris Berman onslaught combined with Steve Young’s hot takes. Trying to figure out what Wes Welker snuck into Jon Grudan’s water is also high on my priority list.

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brett-favre-peyton-manning

If I could describe this game in two words, they would be: Brett Favre. Or, as some pronounce it: Brett Fahhhhhhrvve. And if I could describe this game with more than two words, it would just be Brett Favre typed out a bunch of times. You should actually thank me, as I’m preparing you mentally for what will be a barrage of Peyton Manning/Brett Favre comparisons, graphics, anecdotes, and overall jaw stretching for those two quarterbacks during Sunday Night Football. If you were buried under a rock all weekend (which, if you were, maybe stay there?), you should know that Peyton Manning is just two touchdown passes away from matching the aforementioned Brett Favre for the NFL record. In what should be a pretty entertaining game, two of the winningest (is that a word?) teams since 2012 will face off, only be to overshadowed by a retired player who sends d*ck pics to ask women out. Why not just stick to trying to sell them your jeans? The 49ers have surprisingly and quietly won three straight after starting the season exactly how Seattle appears to be ending it, including a season-high 432 offensive yards against the Rams. Then again, it was against the Rams… who actually beat Seattle earlier today, so really, I have no idea what to think of the NFC West anymore. It’s weird.

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Despite coming off a pretty thrilling victory over last year’s Super Bowl champs, the Cowboys won’t convince me of anything until they actually do some winning in December. But until then, a game against their fellow NFC East neighbors, the Giants, should be exactly the type of game Dallas would normally just sh*t on in past years. Coming off a convincing win against a favored opponent, anchoring the afternoon viewing slot, against a division rival… these are all the perfect set of ingredients needed for epic Cowboy derp. Of course, while this seems like a recipe that has worked so well (or not so well, I guess) in the past, I’m willing to at least admit that this year does look a bit different for the Cowboys. Especially when the Giants have their own problems, losing Victor Cruz for the season (with his career is in possible jeopardy) along with a shut out loss (0-27) against the Eagles last week. Still, based on both these team’s past history, you’d have to think this game will have plenty of WTF and LOL, no matter the outcome. So consider me excited.

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AFC Championship - Baltimore Ravens v New England Patriots

As Rex Ryan continues to countdown the weeks to unemployment, the Patriots must again try to overcome adversity with left guard Brian Winters and running back Steven Ridley suffering year-ending injuries. Though, sitting in the AFC East, I wouldn’t exactly call it “adversity”. Probably more of a handicap to make it more fair for the Jets, Bills, and Dolphins. The Patriots plan on going with the three-headed beast of mediocrity in Shane Vereen, Brandon Bolden, and James White. They all expect to share time, which pretty much assures that James Develin will probably have the best night. Boston just got a hard-on after reading that. I would normally say something about the Jets here, but if I start a sentence that begins with Geno Smith, I’ll be too depressed to carry on. But it is Thursday Night Football, so this game should be competitive. For about 45 seconds.

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superheroharbaugh

Tonight’s game features two teams going in different directions. The 49ers have won two straight, even with reports coming out that Jim Harbaugh has lost the player’s trust. I find this curious, as while his act is tiring, obtrusive, and just unnecessary (like your mother), his 41-14-1 record over the past three years seems like something he could just write on piece of paper with a sharpie and tape it on the player’s heads. Probably a reason why I’m not an NFL coach. Or a parent. Or any kind of authority figure. Colin Kaepernick is doing what he does best, and that’s be inconsistency marginal, but still providing value with his legs. And Frank Gore seems to not be getting old yet, which gives someone like me, who is one year older, hope that the best days are yet to come. (Only with the help of the magical life-garnish known as alcohol.) The Rams have lost two straight, and while Austin Davis is no Sam Bradford, we should probably realize that’s a good thing. Brian Quick has quickly become a quick target for Davis. Quickly. And Zac Stacy has not rushed for more than 71 yards in a game this season. So thanks for that. (I’m not really thankful.)

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This seems like a match-up made more for Thursday Night Football, in that, the potential derp is strong with this game… but people forget Sunday Night Football derp can be equally as, if not more entertaining. TNF merely adopted the derp; SNF was born in it, molded by it. Clearly, the New York Giants offense is improving on a week-by-week basis, with Eli Manning not looking this good since the epoch of Coughlin face being level 8 red. Not the level 18 it is lately. Much of that credit goes to Ben McAdoo, despite having the name: Ben McAdoo. The Eagles are 4-1, but have looked inconsistently innovative. Also, Riley Cooper still looks like a racist. And, if you want my fair analysis, it’s my expert opinion that both those issues can be blamed on Nick Foles, who, coming off such a robust 2013 27 touchdown performance, has regressed a bit this season. (I’m kidding, it’s not really his fault. The tempo clock is probably it.) But that’s okay, because LeSean McCoy has already dried up my tear ducts and is now on pace for producing that ever elusive ulcer WebMD has been warning me about since college. But if there’s one thing for certain, a NFC East prime-time game is always historic. Not moon-landing historic… probably more Titanic historic here. So get your drinks and pastry snacks (AKA pizza) ready…

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No, most certainly not. But the leaves are changing, the weather is getting a bit chillier, and the Cowboys are winning, which can only mean that their inevitable collapse into mediocrity and missing out on the playoffs in the last two weeks of the season is right on schedule. Or is it? GOOD QUESTION BRAH. The 4-1 Cowboys have been led by both Romo (1260 YDS, 9 TD) and DeMarco Murray (130 CAR, 670 YDS, 5 TD), but are facing a still dominant Seattle defense in what is the highlight game today. One of the most interesting battles should be between Dez Bryant and Richard Sherman, if only because we all know Sherman ranks Bryant last in his wide receiver rankings. Sure, all receivers rank last in his rankings, but at least they aren’t in the sorriest category like Michael Crabtree is. (Can confirm, Crabtree is pretty bad.) There are a lot of things going against the Cowboys here: facing the number one ranked defense, at home, and they haven’t won five straight since 2007. Fate seems to be a pretty big factor, as I’m not certain that natural law allows for such a win for “America’s” team. That being said, if they do somehow pull it off, we’ll be forced to actually think the Cowboys are a good football team. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’m not sure any of us are.

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