A long time ago (about a year) in a galaxy (Razzball) far, far way…

Guess who’s back, back again. The Stats Machine’s back, tell a friend. Guess who’s back. Guess who’s back. Guess who’s back. Guess who’s back. Unlike most sequels that barely measure up to the original, the first two Godfather movies excluded, the second coming of the Stats Machine looks to build on a successful model, expanding and even deepening an already superb, numbers-driven effort. For those whom are unaware of, or need a refresher on the origin of the Stats Machine (TSM), you can find that here.

Take me on in the Razzball Commenter Leagues here!

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This looks like a stroke. Someone should call a doctor at some point, yes?

Well, Thursday Night Football was once thought of as an offensive onslaught of the mind, soul, and body early in the season. At least, that’s how it accosted me with all those 50-point blow-outs and Phill Simms repeating “Well JEEEEM” ad nauseum. Then there was a two-week reprieve where normal football things occurred. This, obviously, was against nature itself. We now have some kind of ridiculous regression going on, and in the specific case of last night’s game, the Bills and Dolphins entire first half consisted of “let’s drive as close to the goal line without scoring a touchdown”. Spoiler Alert: The Dolphins came out on top in that intriguing game of chicken with twice as many field goals as the Bills… with two field goals. But hey, if you managed to fight off a brain aneurysm to watch the second half, you were rewarded with two Miami touchdowns, Kyle Orton doing very Kyle Orton things, and the refs doing their own homage to the Thursday Night Football derp.

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Well, that was interesting. But only if you’re a Packers fan. Ben Roethlisberger? This is Aaron Rodgers, and he just escalated the situation by scoring 6 touchdowns and NOT losing to the Jets. Which seems like an insurmountable escalation right there. If you missed it (you probably should have), the Bears once again confirmed that they are a terrible football team. If they didn’t come out after half-time, already losing 0-42, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I doubt the Packers would have noticed, that’s for sure. But who doesn’t want to make history? So for the first time in 90 years, the Bears have now given up 50 plus points in consecutive games. And the funniest saddest realist part of all this? Oh yeah, that’s right, this is the Bears coming off a bye. Silly Jets fans, and you thought the 2015 first overall draft pick was yours for the taking…

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When a starting quarterback goes down for a team, it’s usually catastrophic.  Sure, you’ll have your Kurt Warner/Trent Green and Tom Brady/Drew Bledsoe stories, but more often than naught, it means a big blow to the team.  That’s not the case for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Sure, no one wants to see anyone get hurt, but this is fantasy, baby.  It happens, and you look for the new shiny toy to come in and lead you on a run to the championship.

This week, that new toy is Mark Sanchez.  Yes, that Mark Sanchez.  The butt-fumbling, hot dog eating, former quarterback of the New York Jets.  With a fractured collarbone, Eagles’ quarterback Nick Foles is expected to miss quite a bit of time.  For fantasy and real life purposes, that’s perfectly fine.

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Over the past few weeks we’ve had handcuffs breakout as temporary starters (Jeremy Hill), handcuffs keep the seat warm (Bobby Rainey), handcuffs to handcuffs become starters (Boobie Dixon), and practice squad players become viable fuzzy handcuffs (Jonas Gray). It’s a crazy mixed up world this handcuffing game, but us real hustlerz stay on our grind. Snatching your handcuffs, before you can get mine. It’s the way to championships and riches, we brought you Justin Forsett, Chris Ivory, and Denard (Robinson) Snitches! Liffy Out! Sorry for the random freestyle, but I needed to put you up on game. Lifshitz is so street that I have hood passes witout expiration dates. That’s another story for a never time..Yes, I meant to type never, because I’m not telling you….nan-never-ever. You want to fight?? That was street right? Hay-Zeus I’m rhyming again, oops. On to the handcuffs!

Note: Don’t forget to come visit me on the new Razzball Fantasy Soccer home everyday of the week. Smokey and I have leagues registering now. If you’re not familiar with the format, NBD, relax, you got us. Smokey and I are giving you the best Fantasy Premier League coverage out there. If you haven’t tried fantasy EPL, you’re missing out. So sign up and use us as your guide.

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The injury bug strikes again, and this time it’s a quarterback who takes the beating. Philadelphia will be without the services of quarterback Nick Foles for several weeks after breaking his collarbone in Sunday’s game against Houston. Mark Sanchez, yes he’s still in the league, came in and helped the Eagles the rest of the way to a win over the Texans. So who can you turn to now? Six teams have a bye this week in Houston, Indianapolis, Minnesota, New England, San Diego and Washington. There’s a ton of talent to replace and that’s before we jump into injuries. Let’s get into it and see who you can pick up this week to help your team out…

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sad-polar-bear

In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

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C.J. Spiller can’t catch a break man. Is there anyone else in the NFL as unlucky as Spiller? He’s like the Charlie Brown of professional football. When everyone else is getting chocolate bars and quarters on Halloween, C.J. is getting rocks. (Sad Trombone.) I’d like to tell you that I feel your pain, but I don’t. I avoided Spiller in drafts the way vegans avoid bacon. Which is the primary reason I don’t trust vegans, but anywho! Spiller is more than likely done for the foreseeable future and maybe the season. He was IR’ed with a designation to return, but his chances of returning from a separated shoulder are pretty slim. Just to make things that much more complicated, Fred Jackson decided to get hurt too, it’s a twofer! So now desperate fantasy owners are once again hitting the wavier wire to chase a third stringer promoted to the starting role. Enter Bryce Brown and Anthony Dixon.

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If you know anything about me, or at least have read more than a few articles, you’ll know that I have a few movies in my referential lexicon that I lean on heavily. Number will will probably always be Anchorman. I mean, seriously, within 17 weeks of fantasy football, San Diego gets referenced at least 17 times. How could you NOT go with the German definition when presented the opportunity? Rhetorical. Sixty percent of the time you do it…every time. So let that bring us to the present where I am yet again quoting a movie but this one might be before your time. I don’t know how young you are. Based on some of your texting-based understanding of the human language, I’m guessing at least 30% of you are of the ‘Y’ generation. Don’t worry, I can still understand what you’re saying even if you don’t use punctuation and end sentences with ‘LOL’ and don’t worry part two, I ain’t mad atcha nor am I picking on you. If there were ever a request for Samuel Johnson truncated, you’d have nailed it. Thankfully, my movie reference isn’t THAT old. Nah, I’m just looking back at The Neverending Story. I don’t know if it’s on Netflix. Damn, now that I say that I HOPE it’s on Netflix. FALCOR! But more to the point, Marshawn Lynch was one of the bigger disappointments for DK players last week but I’m here to tell you, dammit it wasn’t his fault! He had a TD called back and for what it’s worth, the Rams played a very good game, which limited his grind down yardage as he finished with a miserable 2.9 ypc and ended with a defeating 9.1 DK points on the day. Not quite what people signed up for when paying $7,100. Oddly, his price point hasn’t changed this week. Given he’s facing the Panthers – a team that is giving up 5,29 ypc to opposing runners – staying the course with Marshawn makes a lot of sense. Marshawn should be a good get for both cash and GPP given his price and him coming off a frustrating week 7. But that’s so last week, let’s talk about this week. Here are my hot takes for this week’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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 uk2ZYmu

An artist’s depiction of yesterday’s Cowboys game.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the first every Sunday of football should always have the Dallas Cowboys doing whatever that was they did yesterday afternoon. In fact, let’s start a petition to have them on Monday AND Thursday night as well. I mean, can we even say that the Cowboys actually did anything in training camp? This looks like the exact same team from last year, and I’ve already started decorating my house for the holidays seeing as how the Cowboys are already in mid-December form. True, as the sharp and always entertaining (in gouging your own eyes out sort of way) commentating duo of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman informed us, if not for all the turnovers, this would have been a close game. I’ve never seen something so beautifully and succinctly useless at the same time. If it weren’t for the Normandy landing and the eastern invasion of Russia, Germany had a pretty good World War II. And while the game was technically close without including large portions of events that happened during the game, I was left with this one burning question– What is it called when you throw to a receiver that had 12 people covering him?

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