Chicago Bears wide receiver Cameron Meredith (81) is tackled by Miami Dolphins linebacker Spencer Paysinger (42) during the second half of an NFL preseason football game in Chicago, Thursday, Aug. 13, 2015. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

The Bears have been trash this season. Now they have a possible Jordan Howard injury and an Alshon Jeffery suspension which creates a FAAB spending opportunity. I can’t say for certain whether we should pick up Bears running backs Jeremy Langford or Ka’deem Carey because I can’t say whether Howard is injured. My take on whether John Fox is truthful is “Nah, he ain’t ever been”. I’m with Howard on this one and that means the Jeffery suspension is our primary interest. It puts at least two players in the spotlight, Cameron Meredith and Eddie Royal. Marquess Wilson is also interesting if he’s going to play. Time to look at the waiver wire and spend some FAAB.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

FINALLY!!! The defense has come to The Stats Machine! For the past many weeks I have been promising an updated algorithm in which opposing the defense is accounted for. Today I deliver on that promise. The premise is simple. All offensive performances will be weighted based on the ranking of the defense against which they posted said performance. Defenses have been ranked by the following four categories. Passing yards allowed vs QB. Rushing yards allowed vs RB. Receiving yards allowed vs WR. And receiving yards allowed vs TE. If one team allowed jus a few yards less than the next, but has given up several more touchdowns to a give position, I have swapped them in the rankings. With that preamble out of the way, let’s get to it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Totally awesome Thursday Night Football, right? A wretched performance by T-Pain, Bob Kraft’s trout-ass trotting around the field like a prized gelding, the Steelers headsets “malfunctioning”, and of course, GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, is all I really took away from a game that was missing what was basically every player I wanted to watch, due to a suspension for smoking that sticky icky. The game went pretty much as I expected, other than D’Angelo treating the Patriots run defense the way my favorite porn star and close friend, Mandingo, treats his co-stars. No sir, I am not sold on the Patriots being a contender this season. My apologies to the mass-holes, who verbally beat me like a piñata each and every day on Twitter for that epic Seattle Seahawks fail in the Super Bowl. Your time is coming. Oh yes, your time is coming (laughs maniacally while coating my naked body in Vaseline). But seriously though, who cares about real football!? This is a fantasy site, ya’ll! Communicating with the Elder Gods is a complicated and somewhat challenging affair; It involves an immense fire pit, sage brush, a quarter oz. of Peyote, a fifth of Everclear, animal sacrifice, and a bit of luck. Even when they accept my summons and pass the peace pipe with me, deciphering their language and riddles is a most difficult thing to accomplish, but I do my utmost, and that is all one can ask of a man such as myself. Below, is what the Elders have foretold for Week 1.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ’em and Sit ’em. Take heed!

You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week, I had the ALCS on the television as I was researching some fantasy fantasy football on my MacBook Pro, and something funny happened. My wife, who’s more of a Total Divas and House Hunters kind of viewer, looked up at the game and said “is that Philip Seymour Hoffman?” Without turning my head I knew exactly who she was talking about, and immediately starting laughing. While she knows that the inventor of the shart is no longer with us, I have to admit, the resemblance is a bit uncanny. And in case you haven’t figured it out, the Philip Seymour Hoffman impersonator I am referring to is none other than Buck Showalter…

Please, blog, may I have some more?