SEO titles? Whatever. Prime time football has been anything but exciting this year as the matchup makers somewhere in a private bunker in Norad provided Santa tracking and NFL scheduling. “The Giants are a fun team!” Somebody shouted and everybody agreed, and 11 weeks into the season, NFL fans were treated to a 30-10 drubbing on prime time football. OK, Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski were out there doing their thang (which is basically calling each other on the phone and pretending to be somebody else) but everybody else basically treated it like a scrimmage game. Over on ESPN 2, Peyton and Eli welcomed several puzzling guests on to their show after running out of guests like Russell Wilson, Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and so on. Instead, the fans of Monday Night Football were treated to analysis by former secretary of state Condoleezza Rice while the usual broadcast crew couldn’t pronounce “Chris Godwin” correctly, favoring the moniker “Goodwin” for the Super Bowl-winning, Pro Bowl-making, 5-year veteran of the league. And we wonder why armchair journalists writing on semi-serious fantasy football sites are the ones getting all the love. [sigh] OK, let’s see if we can make sense of anything for your fantasy football teams. 

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Back in the day, going all the way back to 2020, we used to get excited when we got to watch Patrick Mahomes and the explosive Kansas City Chiefs in primetime games. Unfortunately, the 2021 version of the Chiefs has struggled, and those struggles continued in this week’s Monday Night Football game. On the day after Halloween, we thought we would get a treat of a game, but it turns out, it was just a trick.

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Is it me or are a lot of guys injured? Normally, I’d have some little cutsie intro to get into the carnage but sheesh, man! I don’t know about you but I’m getting killed out here! I actually sprained my right knee on a fishing boat last weekend and was listed as limited but here I am, dammit.

When I see the players I roster in person someday, I’m gonna tell them: If I can man up and type up a bunch of nonsense about fake football with a ligament injury, well then YOU GOTTA PLAY TOO, YOU BIG BABY!

As you can tell, this has been a tough week. Between my injury, all the injuries on my fantasy teams, and what’s happening to my Raiders… Well, we’ll get into that last part later.

And to add to the prevailing roster chaos we have our first bye week of the year! See you next week Jets, Falcons, 49ers, and Saints!

Let’s segue right into Sunday morning with an Intra-Florida showdown in London.

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So, they think they found the Zodiac Killer huh? I had this case solved in 2007 after seven marathon viewings of David Fincher’s Zodiac. The eighteen-hour film festival of sorts guided me to another cinematic treasure and the true greatest San Francisco based film of all-time, Homeward Bound II: Lost In San Francisco. Every clue to every cipher can be found there. All those exhausted detectives. All those man hours. One viewing of HB: Dos with Sassy, Chance, and Shadow would’ve solved all your problems. You know what else is exhausting? Trying to find the right person on your waiver wire. Lucky for you, I patterned my work ethic this week after Robert Downey Jr. and Jake Gyllenhaal in Zodiac (Seriously the best San Francisco based film or maybe it is Vertigo. Yeah, it’s Vertigo), pounded the coffee to find some of this week’s best options on the waiver wire.

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I write you from the warm fall ambiance of Green Bay in October, where I’ve been hired as the new kicker for the Packers. After Mason Crosby missed a hat trick worth of field goals, I was hired on Fiverr by a guy named “Cornelius Chuck” to take over the booting work in the Bold North. My new insider knowledge informs this fantasy football report, which is filled with my new coach speak jargon. Let’s jam the tires full of cheese my mateys! 

Here’s what I saw in Week 5 of 2021 Fantasy Football: 

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October is upon us and thus the gates of all things spooky have opened. Although no living room werewolf transformation or demon spawned baby can match the terrors on the field this past week. No, I am not talking of the awkward non-hug between Tom Brady and Bill Belichick at the end of Sunday night’s dark and stormy game. I am speaking of the gruesome injuries, quarterback play which may require an old priest and a new priest to fix, and once thought done players seemingly rising from the dead. Things are getting downright strange in the fantasy football neighborhood, so who we gonna call? Waiver Wire!

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Oh I am so glad as a NFC Northerner to see my dear Vikings get demolished by [checks notes] Baker Mayfield. Longtime readers of my articles (Hi Mrs. Donkey Teeth!) know that I am not a fan of Baker Mayfield on the gridiron, although I think his commercials are on par with the fairer works of Chris Tucker. Mayfield, you’re so magnetic, why can’t I learn to love you?! ENYWHEY. My team played some of the least interesting football I’ve seen in years and your teams probably fared slightly better. How much better? Let’s check the scores!

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It’s happening: all the food is filled with “pumpkin spice,” which is actually just cloves and nutmeg and whatever tree bark the hard workers of Spice Majesty International, LLC could grind into a cinnamon-like dust. Yet you — yes you! — are navigating the sales and the spiels and the pumpkin-dusted frittatas to know the truth: it’s short pumpkin spice season, but it’s a looooong fantasy football season. That can be good! Whoever’s in first place in your league right now — they don’t really matter. Do you ever look at your frozen burrito in the gas station microwave after 30 seconds and say, “Ope! One-quarter of the cooking time is done, I’m taking my burrito!” Nah, you know that burrito deserves better. Maybe some cinnamon whip on top…wait, I got carried away. ENYWHEY. We’re here to help! Let’s jump into the spice fray and see what we can dig up for you. 

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I promise I am not going to lead every waiver wire article in with a Jurassic Park reference, although there is enough material to do so. We had a lot of John Hammond’s in the fantasy football universe last week “sparing no expense” when it came to San Francisco running back Elijah Mitchell. Bids of a full 100% of FAAB (free agent acquisition budget) were not just uncommon, they were the standard. Not since Woody Harrelson took one million dollars from Robert Redford in Indecent Proposal has a monetary for goods exchange left someone feeling so cheated. Well, it wasn’t so terrible, 7.3 PPR fantasy points isn’t atrocious. Mitchell seems to have held onto the job with the entire backfield in San Francisco, and possibly the training staff too, getting injured on Sunday. Let’s hope it works out for those who did end up spending a lot. Just remember, this isn’t Brewster’s Millions. You don’t need to spend every penny of your FAAB right away to risk losing it all. Spend up when you need a player and make competitive bids when you want a player. There is nothing worse than needing to put IOUs in a Samsonite briefcase to salvage your season, possibly leaving you feeling a bit Dumb and Dumber.

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Poor Daniel Jones can’t catch a break. The Giants can’t even let the other team lose properly! On Thursday Night Football, with the world watching, the Giants quarterback rose to the occasion and played one of his best games that I can remember. The New York Giants had several opportunities to put the game away, but penalties, receiving blunders and an inexcusable special teams debacle handed the Washington Football Team the win in the closing seconds. Overall, it was a good game with 5 lead changes including a back-and-forth 4th quarter and a game winning field goal on the last play.

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