Finally Election Day is upon us! And I know exactly what you’re thinking: Donkey, how can I vote Marquez Valdes-Scantling onto my fantasy team when 7 different commercials just exposed him as the rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen he is? 

Fortunately for Marquez, his only opposition is Chief Geronimo Allison who’s also a rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen. Geronimo also happens to fund terrorism and will miss at least 6 weeks due to core surgery. MVS is yet another in a long line of rookie wide receivers I’m recommending. He has a top QB and a clear path to targets; mark him down as a must-add in all leagues and call him a WR3 for the time being. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Is it not the most awkward damn trolley you’ve ever seen? That it will be on display in Buffalo of all places with a decent chance of vandalism in the forecast for it only makes me more excited for the Pats blowout of the Bills on MNF. While Booger rails against logic and analytics throughout the broadcast and Jason Witten bumbles through introductory 3rd grade math, there is a non-0% chance a member of the #BillsMafia will make a leap of faith from the stands onto the #BoogerMobile. But before that game takes place, there are a couple from the Sunday slate that are worth looking at.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Four straight weeks of double-digit fantasy points has David Njoku trending upwards in the top TE pecking order. He was a limited participant on Wednesday which leads me to believe that he’ll be playing (and eating) this weekend. His opponent, the Steelers, have allowed double-digit points to TEs for 5 straight weeks and Njoku will make that 6 despite only catching 3 passes for 13 yards in week 1 against the Steelers. It’s a whole njew Njoku in week 8! My take: Will play, start him.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Absconding in solitude to a Southern Colorado cave for the past two weeks, I pondered the universe, those delicious Totino’s pizza rolls, and of course, the next great buy for your fantasy football team. Entranced in the depths of transcendental meditation that would make The Buddha blush, two syllables appeared in the ether over and over. Tre – Quan, Tre – Quan, Tre – Quan. The universe has spoken and Tre’Quan Smith must be acquired at once. The third round rookie out of Central Florida is a WR4 for now, but top 20 WR numbers for the rest of this season are well within the realm of possibilities with Ted Ginn out for the year. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Peyton Barber is in the midst of another pathetic game as I’m writing this. He’s at 8 rushing attempts for 33 yards and I don’t see that number growing more than that. If the Buccaneers are serious about winning they’ll release their rookie RB Ronald Jones on the league for week 4. Either way — he’ll make his debut soon and have no one in his way from quickly gaining RB1 status. He’s currently unowned in about 80% of leagues, but smart owners (that’s you!) will start sitting on him now to reap the benefits later.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 1 is in the books, we are on the heel of the Thursday Night Football Bengals-Ravens game and I couldn’t be more happy. Is there any better time of the year? Before I clicked submit on this piece, we received a beautiful clip of Joe Mixon jogging in to the locker room early in the first quarter with a right knee injury. This will be the freshest handcuff report out on the inter-web. Mixon owners please pick up Giovani Bernard, he is looking fresh out there!

I will not go down a rabbit hole of why you should roster your RB handcuff because I know you are here to scroll straight to the names, that is what I am here to give you. Read my pre-season handcuff article if you are curious. I’ll sum it up for you, SCHEME!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The NFL regular season is underway!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

As Le’Veon Bell continues his holdout, B_Don and Donkey Teeth profile his temporary (or permanent??) replacement, James Conner. Find out when the fellas think Le’Veon is likely to return and what to expect from Jimmy C while Bell is away and beyond.

Then the guys take a closer look at the Tasmanian Devil, waiver darling Phillip Lindsay.  Is Lindsay a one hit wonder? Is he a PPR only option? Or could Uncle Phil be much, much more? B_Don and DT debate all of the above!

Finally, in the injuries and pickups segment discover which running backs, wide receivers and tight ends you should be targeting this week on the waiver wire. TJ Yeldon, James White, Austin Ekeler, Quincy Enunwa, Chris Godwin and Phillip Dorsett are just a few to the names discussed. Get all the sausage you can handle right here:

Follow the guys on Twitter @DitkaSausagePod and @DonkeyTeeth87. Subscribe to the podcast, Ditka, Sausage, and Fantasy Sports wherever you get your podcasts. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There were a lot of expectations heading into week 1 of the NFL season and a variety of different results. There was the completely expected: Patriots winning; Aaron Rodgers being da gawd of football. (Yawn.) The slightly unexpected: The Broncos sneaking away with a 27-24 win over the Seahawks; Matt Ryan not returning to his MVP form. (Maybe we all saw that one coming…) And the completely bat-guano, mind-blowing, WTF: Browns/Steelers playing to a 21-21 draw; MVP Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Buccaneers dropping 48 points against the Saints; and the Ravens obliterating the Buffalo Bills 47-3.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I was recently bestowed with the duty, nay, the honor of hosting our annual fantasy football auction draft at my home. For this momentous occasion I would spare no expense. I dashed out to the store and purchased a beautiful new deep fryer for our many draft day frying needs.

It was a splendid purchase for a glorious day. We fried fish, mozzarella sticks, mini wieners covered in puff pastry, mushrooms, pizza rolls, pickles (spears not the inferior pickle chips), cheese curds, mac n cheese bites; you name it, we fried it!

I was so elated with my brilliant fryer acquisition that I was blind to the future deep fryer backlash rapidly approaching. First, the unavoidable stomach ache from pounds of random fried foods and the numerous visits to my porcelain throne the next day; yes, this fryer post-effect was to be expected and accepted.

But then the greasy fryer oil stench encasing my garage for days to come, this I did not anticipate. Next, there’s the matter of fryer oil disposal. Did you know skunks like heavily used fryer oil? Well they do! Note to the reader: Do not dispose of used fryer oil on the brush pile in your fire pit unless you want a pack of crazed skunks digging holes in your yard.

The point is, we can’t get too enamored with our purchases in real life or in fantasy football. We must consider the opportunity cost of what we’re giving up, what else we might be able to acquire and the possible repercussions of these acquisitions. What might seem like a great purchase today could leave us with  a yard full of skunk holes and an unhappy girlfriend tomorrow. This must be a burden we’re willing to bear as we tread the path to fantasy football glory!

Please, blog, may I have some more?