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Greetings and welcome to another NFL season and, more importantly, another Fantasy Football season. And even more importantly, welcome to the 2016 Razzball Handcuff Report! And despite the direction of the current NFL, we will not be tracking the players who get arrested every week or the players who Roger Goodell would like to put in handcuffs (hint: all of them). Instead, we will cover the best and worst handcuff options for fantasy football on a weekly basis… For the 2016 season, I, obviously, will be handling the Handcuff Report, which will be posted every Wednesday. For those of you who read my Frankencatcher articles over on the baseball side of things, this will be pretty similar. Also, to everyone who followed my advice and rolled with J.T. Realmuto this year, you’re welcome. I wish you the best of luck in your league’s playoffs.

So, first things first: what exactly is handcuff? For the fantasy football n00bs out there, or perhaps for those who have taken the last few years off, a handcuff is a backup who will likely take over as the starter in the event of an injury, extreme ineffectiveness, off-the-field trouble, or coach’s decision. There are probably other reasons that I am forgetting here, but those are the most common ones…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Why did I pick up Bobby Rainey, the guy who was waived by the Cleveland Browns back in October? This move makes me feel dirty, not pigpen dirty, but the I just picked up a hooker in an alley dirty. Maybe I should go back to the beginning. *wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines* I drafted Doug Martin in the hopes he would lead me to championship glory. He’s PPR gold and that’s all I play, standard makes me fall asleep from boredom. But nope, that was an unwise selection. Hey I listened to Sky and I was so pissed at him that I hopped on a little plane, flew to where he lives, got drunk and told him off. What can I say, I really think my insults are better in person. OK, now I grab Mike James who drops 158 on the Seahawks and makes me think that maybe I scored some pure lottery type luck. Nope, that’s strike two on your hopes and dreams. Now what do I do, Tampa is cursed, they lost their QB who woke up one day and said “I suck”, a bunch of them got MRSA, their coach is a dick, and now Brian Leonard is the lead back. Wait!….What? Bobby Rainey looked so good on Monday night, “well Jack he was playing the weak rush D of the Dolphins”, that is true diligent commenter. But Really? I know what I’ll do, I’ll grab both and beat the devil at his own game. Damn, this shizz is making me depressed. Rainey has the upside here. If you don’t already own him I would grab him. Bucs are showing signs of life and I think every current and former Browns running back is better than T-Rich. Yup, I would drop T-Rich for Rainey. If you’re going to go for it then I would go grab Rainey and hopefully the curse of the Bucs is over and they all play really well ROS.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As for the ladies, GOB means something gifted. The first two letters spell GO but the last one is something different, wait, what? of course it’s different….different good, the B stands for you been going Big… Ok, no more hack rappin on the Razz… Have you ever known that hot chick that was dating down for the longest time? She always says, “he will turn his life around” and “you don’t see what I see”. For the latter I hope I never see that guy naked. Well the Bengals are that hot chick and they just don’t see what we all see: That GOB – or Giovani Bernard as you know him – is a stud waiting patiently, flashing his “I’m better than the Law Firm skills” every week and trying to get exclusive with the Bengals. I don’t want you all thinking that BenJarvis Green Ellis is a dud, but he is the complementary back to Giovanni and not the other way around. I chose to highlight GOB this week for a few reasons 1) this might be the last time I write about GOB 2) I’m crushing on him like Grey on Giancarlo (must be the sexy Italian names) and owning him nowhere 3) there is no three, oh wait here it is in my back pocket, he’s a top ten back in Yahoo and not 100% owned. If he’s not owned, then grab him, if the league is too small for him to be owned then get in a bigger league or play draft kings with our 7 foot biscuit pimp. Before I get to my ranks, I just watched a commercial for fries on a burger and have noticed lately they sell burritos with fries inside at a few select fast food joints. Is it just me or does this seem borderline ridiculous? Yes, I like fries in my food, but I want to do it myself and feel special for doing it. Don’t cheap up my special things fast food empire!

Please, blog, may I have some more?