For the past 13 weeks, I have presented you with fantasy football lineups that your league mates might set for you if you got drunk, passed out, and left your laptop open and logged in. While some were fitting you for a roman soldier helmet, others were laughing it up as they picked some of the shittiest options available for your lineup and changed your team name to something terribly immature. Well here’s another such group of players that appear to be a guaranteed one-way ticket to last place. But once again the joke’s on them as this lineup combined for 214.42 points in Yahoo! half point leagues and undoubtedly would have won any head-to-head match up.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Andy Dalton
So week one is done and in the books. We now know what every player and team will do every week from here on out. You don’t even need me to give my input on this week, to be honest. Go look back at those first few games, extrapolate and boom: profit. If only the world worked that way. I mean, John Kuhn gonna have a 16 TD year, right? Right…well there is one thing I think we can hang our hat on from year to year: my penis. I’m sorry, that was lewd. And kind of painful. You didn’t tell me it was a beer helmet with two full tallboys! No, what we can hang our hats on are stats: specifically home/road splits. And with that, we’re here to discuss Andy Dalton, aka the Red Rocket. What, you’ve never heard of someone calling him the Red Rocket? Clearly you read nothing of what I wrote last year, then. It’s alright, I didn’t either so all is forgiven. Dalton’s splits over the last couple of years have shown he’s a vastly better play at home than on the road. Looking specifically at last year, he had a 20:9 TD to INT ratio compared with a 13:11 line on the road as well as a +17.5 QB rating swing when enjoying the Cincy confines. Of course, splits only tell half the tale. Who is he facing, you ask? The Atlanta Failcons. You see it? See what I did there? Now Atlanta isn’t the same team as last year so pointing out they gave up the 4th most fantasy points to opposing QBs last year isn’t saying much. But they did give up half of the mark of the beast to Drew Brees last weekend with 333 passing yards and I don’t see a reason to think they’ll slow down Dalton this weekend. Welcome to Gingernnati, snitches! I’m all over this red head this week like Hermione Granger on Ronald Weasley. The fact that he’s priced outside of the top 10 QBs on DraftKings at $7,500 is quite baffling to me to say the least but I’m not gonna complain. With that, let’s move on. Here are Razzball’s picks for the week 2 slate for DraftKings 2014 Fantasy Football season…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?