Elihand

It’s adorable that Eli thinks if he grows a beard, it’ll help with his perpetual eight-year-old looking face. You have to be at least 14 to do that…

[Puts hands on hips every single time my team screws up, since I had nothing to do with it. And everyone around me doesn’t measure up to my exacting standards that I haven’t somehow been able to communicate to the team over the last umpteen years, mainly because of them. Totally.] -Tom Coughlin. And thus ends the Giants season, (most likely), but don’t worry, the dream still remains alive that the NFC East division (which I also sometimes call Derpville, Population: NFC EAST), won’t have a team that will finish above .500. All that stands in the way is competence from Washington. Haha, we all know what that means. Also, Cam Newton threw another set of about 20 or so touchdowns in the first half and finished the game with 5,258. While that’s partly the Giants being the Giants, it’s hard to deny that Newton has had a MVP-caliber season on a team that’s expected to go far into the playoffs. It’ll be interesting to see how the actual vote settles, with Tom Brady doing Tom Brady-like things and other, whiter players in the mix. I’m sure we can depend on the complete objectivity and unquestionable ethics of all the sports writers to come through. And since the award will be based on the merits, the MVP will probably go to… Peyton Manning.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 15’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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One of the most difficult words to say in the English language has five letters and starts with an ‘s’. Any guesses? You could go in a multitude of directions here, and before you take it down the avenue that garners a solid (not the word) ‘That’s what she said’ from Michael Scott (also not the word), let me just try to get this out.

So…wait. (Exhale). Ok, deep breathe. Let’s try again.

Sor…nope! Not easy. Just simply too much pride in the male ego. But we can do this. If Justin Bieber can sing an entire song about it, I got this.

SORRY. (Cue fireworks, confetti, streamers, balloons and kazoos). Man, I feel a little better now. Do you?

Truth is, the past two weeks on this little advice column have been quite poopy. Call it bad luck, of which a large dose of fantasy football is comprised of, or just bad math, either way it hasn’t been pretty. Each week my goal is to give you great options to compile the best lineup for a 22-man league in FanDuel. Why?

Each week we offer a 22-man Razzball-only FanDuel Contest that pays out the top-5 finishers! Think you’re good enough to operate beyond just luck and work your way to the top of the standings? Then put your money where your fingertips are and enter the $5 Contest for Week 15!

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Well, we all knew the Bengals season was going to end as soon as they played their first playoff game, the only questions to be answered was the how and why. Unfortunately for the Bengals, the answers came about a month too early. Now sitting at 10-3, Andy Dalton broke his thumb while, of all things, making a tackle (shown above) after throwing an interception. The loss came at the hands of perpetual division rival and bee-uniform wearing Steelers, further complicating the Bengals road to their one-and-done playoff appearance. Even Tyler Eifert went down with a concussion in the first half of yesterday’s game. So you have to wonder, can they still get a bye and go for a loss during the divisional playoffs? Or will that loss come during Wild Card Weekend? All joking aside, you’d have to think that with this year’s Andy Dalton, the Bengals had the best chance they’ve had since the Carter administration to get a playoff victory, but depending on how long Dalton is out, you have to figure that limping into the tournament and unable to get a playoff win is the most likely scenario. And also sounds like a new verse for Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic”.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 14’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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Greetings! What a time to be alive! We’ve all been allowed to witness the glorious gift of the Elder Gods, Tyrod Taylor, make gizzards out of three opposing secondaries. This young legend was COMPLETELY left out of a certain ESPN analyst’s weekly quarterback rankings last week, and I for one believe he deserves to be fired for committing such a despicable act of disgracefulness. After Blake Bortles treated their secondary like a porta-potty the previous week, any respectable man would have to assume Tygod would drop a double-dose of feces on those peasants. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! What are people not seeing?! This stallion has every skill-set imaginable and should only improve from here on out. I’m a TAD concerned with Taylor not having Watkins and McCoy in the arsenal this week against the Giants, but I believe he’ll make up for that just by taking off and running a lot more. By the way, the Giants are DEAD LAST in the NFL in pass yards given up. Suck that in for a second. Oooohweeee, the Rodfather is a top-5 option this week at QB and a must-own in all formats. If you wanna keep hating, I’ll grant you a front row seat into my induction into the “writers wing” of the NFL Hall of Fame (as long as Jay continues editing my work).

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

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bigbeninjuryw315

Ben Roethlisberger was forced from yesterday’s game against the Rams when Mark Barron fell onto his leg, bending it awkwardly. While my initial reaction was to breathe a sigh of relief for all the women out there who are mobile enough to out-run a one-legged man, my next reaction was that this looked to be a season-ending leg injury. As of now, the prognosis has gone from leg implosion to ACL injury to MCL sprain, which normally takes around six weeks to recover from. Still, while the news improved throughout the day, this remains a huge blow to not just Roethlisberger, but also to the entire Steelers offense. I doubt Michael Vick ever wanted to start another NFL game again, but here he is, ready to provide clumsy pocket-presence mixed with a canon arm that fires anywhere and everywhere you don’t want it to. So basically a worse Ben Roethlisberger. While Heath Miller probably will stay the same (for now and eternity), Antonio Brown, Markus Wheaton, and Martavis Bryant (when he returns) will likely have some issues to contend with. Le’Veon Bell benefits the most, as check-downs need to go somewhere, and there will be even more emphasis on the Steelers rushing game. That being said, it can be a double-edged sword when defenses start game-planning against such things, so we’ll have to see what kind of magic Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley has ready to go. Haha, Steelers are screwed. But don’t worry, Big Ben’s third leg still works ladies! (Whether you like it or not…)

Here’s what else I saw in Week 3…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’re only two weeks into the season Razzscallions and the QB-pocalypse is upon us. Much to the dismay of many a fantasy player, several top 12-ish quarterback options came down with somewhat significant injuries. Throwing a major road block into the grandiose plans of those with early leads coming out of the one o’clock games. Seriously marinate on that for a sec. How many managers rolling out one o’clock heroes like Antonio Brown, Jamal Charles, Dion Lewis, Gronk, and Julian Edelman were counting victories going into the four o’clock game with Tony Romo at QB? Literally tons! At work today, 2-3 of my coworkers came into “The Lifshitz’s” office looking for guidance on replacing Romo. That’s right, yours truly is an actual functioning member of society when I’m not filling the pages of three Razzball sites. (Speaking of which, go check out some real Fútbol over on RazzSoccer). Two of the three coworkers were in your standard 12-team PPR leagues, so there were plenty of viable options available (Tygod all day sun!), but the third coworker was in a slightly more difficult predicament… Co-worker number three, we’ll call him, is in a 14-team 2-QB league, and owns Romo WITH Brees. (YIKES!) He obviously came into the season with a major advantage, but here’s the problem, he has Jameis Winston as his third stringer and even Johnny Manizel is already owned. Shizzzzz, I’m freaking out just reading this. So what does this chap need to do? Who the hell can he pickup? Well Co-Worker number three, this one’s for you. Here are your Wavier Wire adds for Week 3 in Fantasy Football…

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i

You know, I don’t really hate giving the lede to the NFC South, and if you’ve been spending any time here at Razzball, you know that I find this division so very… satisfying. Not in the good way, like, wow, this NFC South man, it gives the greatest head type of way. No… but to be honest, I have felt similar sensations. It’s the satisfying “oh my god, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, so I’ll just laugh at it and celebrate it for being the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen” type of thing. But the fact remains, I don’t hate talking about it. So at what point does it become masochistic? I mean, we are talking about the day after fantasy football “Championship Week”, probably the most masochistic weekend in all of fantasy sports, so yeah, it’s going to be theme. So with the Saints losing to the Falcons, we now have a NFC South “Superbowl” with the Panthers visiting the Falcons to decide who gets the home playoff defeat. Yes, the Saints are as good as eliminated, but if I understand math correctly (I really don’t), if this game ends in a tie, the Falcons, Panthers, and Saints will all just trigger a nuclear reaction that will re-birth the universe. What a place that would be! In other Sunday news, it’s apparent the NFL wants a Patriots vs. Cowboys Superbowl, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. Then again, I probably wasn’t ready for a 7-8-1 (or a 7-9) playoff team… so there’s that I guess…

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Hi all, this is Sky speaking to you in italics.  I’m simply here to remind everyone we’re doing Razzball Commenter Leagues this year again.  If you’d like to join one of our leagues or to create your own, go check out our 2012 RCL sign-up.  Alright, now back to your regularly scheduled Kevin.  Rookie production in 2011 was […]

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We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2011 fantasy football questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require […]

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