Everybody having leftovers of that Thanksgiving turphucken? You know, that duck stuffed inside a chicken stuffed inside a pheasant stuffed inside a turkey? Is it even possible to cook something like that without introducing massive listeria problems? How about I just write the inevitable outcome of Thanksgiving football: Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson are gonna run real hard next week because they’ve got food poisoning and need to get off the field. But for the rest of us who ate our feasts the way Yahweh intended — in the form of a takeout burrito bowl and gas station beer — we’re ready to keep chugging and plugging in players on our rosters. 

Oh, speaking of plugging and chugging [dramatic pause for effect], Coolwhip and I are vying to make the cutline in the RazzBowl. I had this really DFS-brain idea that I would start Damien Harris to make myself different from the field. And I’m sure gonna look different after those 16-yards Harris ripped off before leaving the game on crutches and being so hurt that he couldn’t wear his pants. Me too after Thanksgiving, Damien, me too. Let me know if you’re rooting for me or Coolwhip down in the comments. 

And a quick “change of programming” note — I’ll be doing the weekly injury report as my only article each week to finish out the season. “The season” is also somewhat flexible — sometime in the next month, let’s say. You’re always free to revisit my articles and ask questions in the comments. Between my various Razzball duties, I’ve skipped only 3 deadlines across 3 sports in the past 3 years (333…I’m half-bestial!), and I need some time to take a break. Please support any of the writers who step in during my winter hibernation and feed them apples and fish heads to show your support. 

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Before the fantasy football season starts, we all think we know everything, right? We’ve seen all of the expert rankings – including our very own Razzball rankings – and we’ve made our own personal determinations based on personnel, coaching staffs, analytics and those magical gut feelings that lead us to the Promised Land. We’re so […]

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As our esteemed experts in Final Fantasy have pointed out, the Nightmare is a demonic colt that will flatten you with cloven hooves, a fiery mane, and gnashing teeth scarred from Halloween candy. A nightmare is also trying to figure out what to do with your fantasy football team now that Jonathan Taylor is out — AGAIN. Aw, Hufflepuff. The fantasy football season is halfway done, and you can barely call your usage of your top RB “fun-sized.” 

Let’ s jump into the fray and see if there’s anything we can do to solve your injury and roster woes for the upcoming week! 

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What do you call it when a bunch of teams are on BYE, Christian McCaffrey is traded, and J.K. Dobbins is gonna miss half the year? I dunno. You’re gonna have to speak louder because the sounds of my sobbing are drowning you out. 

Much like our esteemed Thursday Night Football writer Hobbs once wrote, “Fantasy football is nasty, brutish, and short.” Civilization is breaking down at the seams and we’re all in our natural state, foraging for running backs wherever we can find them.

Let’s jump in and see if we can avoid any pitfalls this week. Also, because I’m super nice, I’m going to toss in some quick take analysis on the more significant roster moves.  

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Earlier in the pre-season, I talked about the importance of staggering your fantasy football beats, much like J Dilla took his programmed hip-hop beats and swung them into a new genre. Sure, it’s easy enough to say, “Draft good guys,” but it’s also important to have players who fill roles when the veterans disappear or the good guys go bad. It’s like The Avengers series — you need enough characters to carry the franchise so that when there’s a snap…you get the idea. For every Black Panther, we need an Ant Man to move the series forward. You just keep rolling with the B-squad until the third act, and then fantasy glory is at hand! 

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What’s up, everybody!? Welcome to your first installment of the fantasy football weekly injury report for 2022. Just so we’re copacetic, let’s establish our norms and understand what an injury report is all about: 

1) I’m Not Adam Schefter: Sure, I have a personality that’s absolutely made for the internet, but I am not a full-time employee of the NFL or journalistic institution whose job it is to report up-to-the-minute injury status. I hear the mass exodus of readers clicking away right now. But wait! Hang around for a hot minute. All I’m saying: this article is written on Friday night for Saturday morning publication, and the NFL plays games Sundays at noon. If you want up-to-the-minute injury reports, please access those writers who get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars per year to star on ESPN and have locker room access and a rolodex of professional secret leakers.

2) I Am EverywhereBlair: This means you’re getting pretty good fantasy football advice based on injury reports. Is your star injured? I’ll tell you an alternate play. Don’t like that alternate play? Who am I, Tennessee Williams? 

3) NFL Teams Lie: Some teams purposefully obscure their injury reports. Is a player actually injured, or is the team just messing with their opponent’s preparation? For this fantasy football injury report, I’m assuming all NFL injury reports are truthful. 

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Running backs ranked 40 thru 80 is money time for the fantasy managers looking to employ the RB Zero, RB Hero, or Wide Net approach to the position. If you can hit on a player or two from this group, they can improve your fantasy fortunes. Knowledge is the key. Not all third-string running backs are created equal. Good fantasy managers will know which backups are high-upside youngsters and which backups are aging veterans in the din of their NFL career. I recommend readers pay less attention to the rank of the players in this group, and more to their story, as the rankings from this group can be capricious. Pick out a dozen or so that you like, and make a point to get some of them.

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Finally, we’ve made it a metric week in your fantasy football season! Who has 1 kilowins so far? Or I suppose a deciwin? A microwin is all I can hope for…maybe read that sentence back again. Regardless of your system of measurement, we’re stuck in the trenches of fantasy football: the teams that can’t get out to see daylight, the teams that are awaiting reinforcements, the teams that decided to dig a new path forward to see if they can gain any ground on the opposition. And you wondered if sports had any relationship to the armed forces, didn’t ya? Let’s jump into the fray and see if we can’t get a megawin for your team this week. 

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