02_AFC-NorthReport_news

What’s up fans of American Football!? It’s your good buddy Honcho back to walk you through the AFC North. Yuck. That was my first reaction when I was assigned this division. I mean, can you think of four teams that deserve each other more than this group of franchise swapping,  Super Bowl gloating, bad chili pushing tough-guy wannabees? Yeah, me either. This division is tough to love. I mean truly it is. But I’m here to give you the tour so let’s proceed.

Our first objective is to identify the participants. Let’s start with the Cleveland Browns. Okay, cool. So you’re feeling good about the NBA season, but guess what LeBron’s not under center…..And that’s probably a bad thing. They hired a baseball analytics specialist to ruin –  errrrr I mean run things. The Dodgers thought so little of him they ran him out-of-town. What could possibly go wrong? So here’s the thing…I think they’re on the right track, accumulating draft picks and athletes – but this isn’t the year. Heading south, but still staying in Ohio we find the Cincinnati Bengals who have a better than average team, but just can’t win a playoff game. They’ll give it another shot this season and will probably challenge the Steelers for the top spot in the division. Speaking of the Steelers….Is there a more insufferable fan base in football? I’ve been to Pittsburgh more than a few times and you know what? Every Steelers’ fan looks the same. How is that possible? The jorts say it’s summer, the tucked in jersey says it’s football season, but the waistline says you gave up a long time ago. Ha! Just kidding Pittsburgh, I love your city! Mostly due to Primanti Brothers but hey, gotta start somewhere, right? This year you’re the team to beat in the North. Don’t mess this up. Finally we have the Ravens. Flacco’s back. That’s good. They signed Trent Richardson and then proceeded to release him shortly after. He didn’t even stick around to try Ray-Ray’s famous “Deer-Antler” spray. That was rude. Anyway, the Ravens are staring 8-8 right in the face, but if any team can luck box their way into the playoffs it’s this bunch.

So, with all that said the fantasy relevant information awaits. Per usual, I’ll list the teams in order of predicted finish. Here we go!

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I apologize for my absence the last two weeks. I had some major final exams and they kicked me in the ass. I am a better human after finishing it however; I have not seen natural light from the sun in 20 days. The doctor told me I had to wear sunglasses at all times until yesterday; the worst experience to be forced to look like a hipster. Story time! This guy from Greece, let’s call him Pat, bought a five-step ladder in Canada and had it sent to him in Greece. Because he is smart, he fell of the small ladder and subsequently sued the manufacturer and the store that sold it to him because he felt it had two defects: defective material and no warning labels. Experts deemed the ladder perfectly made and the judge told Pat that because an adult of average intelligence would know how to handle himself on said ladder there is no need for warning signs. In addition to this there are glue stains where the warning signs were, so also ripped them off. This man was then given criminal time and had to pay punitive damages. Fraud = bad. Don’t be this guy.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

yoadrian
Well… we’re at that point in the season where we’ve separated the men from the boys. Sorry ladies. It’s just an expression. Those of you that have already clinched a playoff berth, congratulations. Those that are no longer setting their lineups, SHAME ON YOU. Please notice the CAPS. There is very little I despise more than when someone does not set their lineup. Leaving a player that is on a bye or out due to injury is UNACCEPTABLE at any time of the season. I get it, we all have lives and hiccups are going to happen along the way, but more than once is a season is enough for me to want you out of the league. Sorry, but if you can’t find the little bit of time it takes each week to make sure you at least have a lineup of active players, you don’t belong in my league. You’re affecting the outcome of the league when you do this and I won’t stand for it. I won’t sit for it either. In one of my leagues I have gotten my league mates to agree to a fine of $20 for every inactive player left in a lineup. I could go on, but I actually had a different agenda today.

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By now, some of you have got to be tired of my weekly rant about how I could have fielded a team using just the jabronies I could find on the waiver wire and still beat just about any other team currently rostered in your league. Frankly I’m getting tired of writing about it. Let’s be honest, who in their right mind was ever going to consider starting any of these guys? Unless you know something the rest of us do not, these players are going to continue riding the pine. And now that we are winding down on the fantasy season, and bye weeks are complete, there is very little incentive to take a risk on a player that has done very little nearly all season.

In the sake of tradition, here’s this week’s lineup:

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As we now enter the post-Thanksgiving Football phase (or in Boston, the “post-BAWHSTON WAS RAWHBED FROM UNDEFEATED HISTORY!”), it’s hard to understand how we’re already on the doorsteps of Week 13 and how someone can gain five pounds in one four-day Holiday period. The answer to both is bourbon, but regardless, the point remains: Alcohol! AND, wow, this season has gone by fast. (With a lot of injuries.) That being said, I do want to take this time on your Monday, to thank everyone for being a part of the site. I could have wrote this Thursday, or Friday, or I guess any day up until now, but, well, you know. Alcohol! And while my Chargers are charging (see what I did there?) to a first overall pick in next year’s draft, I guess, in this time of thanks, we should all thank the game of Football. As usual, the wonderful sport continues to provide us reasons to kill our liver, protect women and couches with guns on them, and Will Smith (bonus foreign accent!) movies about concussions. I truly despise this game that I love. An amazing journey we take here if you ask me! Or a masochistic one? Nah… that’s what Fantasy Football is for.

Here’s what else I saw in Week 12’s Sunday Games…

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We are starting to get more parity between teams. My 8-8 dream is dead. #$*%. I’ll get over it. Injuries are the most frustrating part of football. Every second play, someone gets hurt and I cringe and cry for them. I myself was destined for stardom as a Division 1 basketball player. At age 17, I subsequently destroyed both my ankles and was just a fraction of what I once was. I feel for Tony Romo, Drew Brees, Kelvin Benjamin, Jordy Nelson and others. I especially felt for Big Ben after watching his leg get caved in versus the Rams this past weekend. It slowly had me heartbroken for Antonio Brown owners, but felt happiness for Le’Veon Bell owners. Today we talk about the outlook of the next 4-6 weeks for Pittsburgh Steelers offense sans Ben Roethlisberger.

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When a starting quarterback goes down for a team, it’s usually catastrophic.  Sure, you’ll have your Kurt Warner/Trent Green and Tom Brady/Drew Bledsoe stories, but more often than naught, it means a big blow to the team.  That’s not the case for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Sure, no one wants to see anyone get hurt, but this is fantasy, baby.  It happens, and you look for the new shiny toy to come in and lead you on a run to the championship.

This week, that new toy is Mark Sanchez.  Yes, that Mark Sanchez.  The butt-fumbling, hot dog eating, former quarterback of the New York Jets.  With a fractured collarbone, Eagles’ quarterback Nick Foles is expected to miss quite a bit of time.  For fantasy and real life purposes, that’s perfectly fine.

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Last week’s boom or bust plays busted all over my screen. Andrew Luck goes for 354 and 4 TD’s without giving any love to Donte Moncrief. Oh good grief! The Colts talk him up, and then fail to pass the memo onto Mr. Luck… and all of us who played him got fu*ked. Oh well, we move on and get ourselves ready for Week 10. There are a lot of flex-filled teams on the bye this week, and I’ll be honest, I’m having trouble putting a positive spin on it. The Colts, Texans, Vikings, Patriots, Washington Football Team and Chargers are all chillin’ on sofas this weekend, leaving us scrambling to the wire or calling up a”stash” on our bench to fill the void.

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footballkin

All Hallow’s Eve is nearly upon us, and I hope you have your costume picked out. I’ve got a few late nights ahead of me to finish mine, but I expect to be ready in time. Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year. What’s better than drunk adults wearing costumes acting like children? Honestly, not much. One year I saw a guy dressed as Daniel LaRusso in the shower get punched in the face by a dude wearing a Cobra Kai jersey while he was smoking a cigarette outside a bar. Another time I saw a dude dressed up as the Teen Wolf crushing beer cans with his teeth as he spun a basketball on his fingertips. But I’m not sure anything can top seeing the Ultimate Warrior in a speedo running down the middle of a main street in freezing weather in typical Warrior-like fashion.

How about a few NFL players last week that put on their uniforms and masqueraded about as fantasy studs?

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