superfans

Da bears are a joke. No B for you! They are 2-9 on the season and have only scored 178 points all year! The Lambs have scored 170? Geez. Only three other teams have failed to crack the 200 point barrier. Maybe they are playing on All-Madden while the rest of the league is on Pro. Forget about recounting votes for Hillary! I demand an audit of the NFL to check the gameplay settings! Actually, scratch that. They just suck.

So why the hell am I devoting my precious time and energy to Da bears this week?

For starters, the other great writers at Razzball got you covered on the main guys out there. Go check them out. I highly recommend it.

Disclaimer: Razzball did not pay me to write that, nor did they pay anyone in my immediate family for that endorsement. Pssst, Jay and Grey….all good?

I try to touch on the players that are a little off the reservation. Mission accomplished for sure this week. Achievement unlocked.

Finally, I wanted my loyal readers to be a part of history. Drum roll please… For the first time in Razzball Bear or Bull history, I will talk about not one, not two, but three players! Maybe four. I can see my followers gathering now. Yeah, I feel you.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

zod

Being that the kind people at Razzball have given me a soapbox, if you will, to share with you all the thoughts that swim within my head, I thought I’d take advantage of said opportunity to rant. If you can bear with me for a few sentences I promise to return to regularly scheduled programming and, as I do on a weekly basis, tender my slightly above average fantasy football advice. And when I say “average” I really mean “mediocre”. And when I say “mediocre” what I REALLY mean is “fvcking awesome”. Okay, so perhaps I’m reaching for the proverbial stars, but why not. After all, I could probably give you crap advice and many of you would still be happy. Stealing a quote from Negan, I could be inclined to say “I just slid my d*ck down your throat and you thanked me”. But that’s not how I roll.

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - AUGUST 09: Wide receiver Victor Cruz #80 of the New York Giants looks on prior to a preseason game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at MetLife Stadium on August 9, 2014 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Alex Trautwig/Getty Images)

Well, here we are ladies and gentlemen, convicts and inmates, perverts and peepers, Week 13 of the 2016 Fantasy Football season. This also marks my last article for the year as many of you will be on your own as the season winds down. I hope that you will all be able to manage without my weekly doses of awesomeness until next Fall, but many of you continue to have masturbation shrines to me in your basements, so it’ll be like I never left. How are we doing? Me, I have about three out of five leagues where I still have a shot at taking home the Shiva thanks to the waiver wire, some good old-fashioned voodoo, and a couple of human sacrifices. Let’s just say, Jobu has had more than a few refills this year, but hey, whatever works, right? Now that we are down to the wire, there are some really slim pickin’s on many of the waiver wires and my Black Widow Curse continues to feast on man-flesh, but on the bright side, she is also allowing some people to make it back from oblivion and certain doom, so there is a silver lining, I suppose. Let’s see what magic I can work for you this week and give you that extra fluffing to boldly make that erect march into your 2016 Fantasy League stardom. Without further ado, I give you the last 2016 edition of Hit it or Quit it

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Like always, this week entailed some shock, some disappointments, and some anger and confusion. I’d like to reach out to anyone who played Jamaal Charles on Sunday. I was one of them, and it sucks. However, there’s nothing you can do. Injuries happen, and you cannot prevent them. I get it. Fantasy sports is exciting stuff. I go bananas over season-long fantasy football, so I can understand how people go bananas over DFS. It’s serious fun. I even have played DFS Golf, MLB, NASCAR, MMA, and NHL, trying to win more money than I have ever made in my entire life. And you do the same. So where do I come in? I want people to listen to me, to play that player at that position, and to walk away 25,000 times richer than they already are. I really do. However, certain people don’t (and that’s okay), certain people do, and then someone like Sam Bradford throws three interceptions. What I don’t want people to do is to consider putting food on the table for their kids, or to deposit an extra $10 to try, and fail at winning $25K because they are certain that Owen Daniels will have a great game against the defense that allows the most fantasy points to TE’s. I want people to enjoy doing this, and most importantly, have fun. Fantasy Football should be an escape from any drama that is occurring in one’s life. Have fun. Enjoy the smack talk, the late nights, the waiver wire, messing with your lineup at 5:00 AM on Sunday before you turn on NFL GameDay morning. Enjoy it. Let’s review Week 4, shall we?

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Let’s just have another article about the waiver wire dandies that are the Kansas City Chiefs running back situation, seems original!  The Google hit limit has been exceeded by fantasy writers who aren’t really breaking anything new to the news story that is the demise of J.C. and the rise of West and Davis.  Be creative man, that’s why Lego kits are more fun when you go rogue and build a space blimp instead of a firetruck as per your purchase.  Instead of pursuing more dirt to throw onto the fantasy run game abyss in K.C., I am going flip it and reverse it and instead pick on their defense this week that takes on the Minnesota Vikings.  Because there is nothing like spitting on the grave of fantasy-dom then kicking their butts on both sides of the ball.  So this week, I am turning my black light away from it’s normal duty of inspecting the geography of hotel rooms and pointing it at Stefon Diggs.  At first glance, and after numerous minutes of research I have come to the conclusion that he is not related to the Damon Wayons character fro the The Last Boy Scout.  I was made aware of this by him being a fake made up character in a movie and Stefon being an actual WR asset for you this week.  Open Pandora’s box and continue down the fantasy worm whole known as my imagination…

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Well, I guess someone forgot to remind us that Jamaal Charles bi-annual end-of-season injury was due. Looking to go up 24-3 in the third quarter against the Bears, the Chiefs drove into the red zone, and on a seemingly normal (and patented Andy Reid run-up-the-middle with one of the best outside-the-number runners in football) play, Charles twisted his knee moving left to right (as shown above). And that’s the moment the Chiefs season ended. Based off of initial tests, it appears that Charles has suffered a torn RCL in his right knee. And if that wasn’t enough, the Bears were able to mount a comeback and win the game 18-17. If I didn’t know any better, I would say this was probably the Chiefs at their most Chiefiest moment. While many would look to Knile Davis to try and fill in for what was essentially 90% of Kansas City’s offense, Charcandrick (his stripper name, I’m sure) West will look to be Alex Smith’s new check-down artist. Yes, starting 1-4 is pretty bad. And losing your star player who handles the bulk of your offense is devastating. But hey, it could be worse… you could be the Detroit Lions…

Here’s what else I saw this past Sunday in Week 5:

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Welcome back, my lovelies!  Here we are at Week 16 already!  Wow, this time has really flown by this season.  Okay, maybe not, but I was trying to be positive there for a second.  Let’s be honest, this Fantasy Football season has totally blown dead bunnies, with Week 15 being the worst of the worst, well, not for my “Black Widow” Curse anyway.  In that regard, Week 15 was like a feast fit for a King…or Queen in this respect.  My Fantasy Updates were popping up faster than Welker on Molly with one injury report after another.  Concussions and broken bones and severed spines, oh my!  I think my curse gained at least 1500 pounds on the man souls it managed to gorge on over the weekend.  And, like the true selfless beauty I am, I made sure it feasted on my own rosters, and not yours…well, not all of yours anyway.  I am a giver as much as a taker.  It’s all about balance.  Most of you are in the same position as me right now, and it is not a pretty one.  We are forced to look at fifth and sixth stringers and we’ve had to dig so deep in depth charts that we are close to striking oil or finding some old dinosaur bones or something.  Whatever it may be, one thing is for certain, fantasy football is a game of chance, plain and simple, just like dating.  So, let’s cruise the fantasy football version of match.com, see what rejects are left for us to pick up, so that we can continue to limp those hoopties into Week 16, and, by the grace of God, possibly a playoff victory.  Get in, sit down, strap up, and hold on, my lovelies, it’s time for Hit it or Quit it, Week 16.

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Hrm…how am I gonna do this…*Goes and reads ‘How To Sell A Bad Idea For Dummies*. I got it! He’s cheap! Yikes, readers and readettes, we’re really digging down into the down and dirty at QB suggesting Jake Locker at $5,400 but there’s some reason for optimism here. One, it’s your money, not mine…JK. The big reason I’m staring down the barrel of Jake’s cannon arm is the matchup. The Jets have been a wreck in the secondary all year. So bad, they’ve allowed a top 15 or better finish to quarterbacks with names like Alex Smith, Teddy Bridgewater and Kyle Orton (twice). If you were looking for a sign that something’s not working, Orton hanging big weeks on you more than once in a season is a pretty good indicator. Now of course, none of this touts Locker as a great play. He’s a risk. A big one, in fact. There’s no sign nor indication that Locker will ever be a good NFL QB at this point but DFS DGAF, y’all! Boy can scramble. Let’s just pretend that he has ‘started’ 4 games this year since he was hurt half way through week 4 and has played back to back 4th quarters the last two weeks when Zach Mettenberger’s shoulder turned into ground beef. In those ‘4 starts’, Locker has averaged about 34 yards on the ground and has a rushing TD to his credit. The great thing about rushing TDs? They’re worth more than passing TDs…seriously, you play this game, why am I telling you? So Locker could net you 9 points with 30 yards rushing and a TD without doing much out of the norm for his style of play. Now let’s take that ‘could’ and tack on the bad passing defense to date by the Jets that has allowed a 29:5 TD to INT ratio and an average of 258 passing yards a game for the year. Now let’s not kid ourselves, this could easily blow up in our faces like we just got a present from Jokey Smurf so I wouldn’t get cute and play him in cash games. That said, if you’re a GPP’in, you’re lookin’ to cut corners on pricing wherever you can and this could be that one time you’ll remember the 2014 Titans fondly. Enjoy. But enough about Denzel Washington, let’s move on. Here’s my red hot takes for the week 14 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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It’s the semifinal round in most leagues and it’s time to make that late pickup that can put you over the top. Arizona running back Kerwynn Williams leads the list this week. Williams took advantage of the opportunity he was given, and ran the ball 19 times for 100 yards in Arizona’s win over Kansas City. It’s a bit of a suprise seeing how Stepfan Taylor and Marion Grice were projected to get more of the carries. Instead, Williams had 19 and everyone else combined for 12. He’s got a nice burst to him and is not afraid to run between the tackles to pick up tough yardage. Let’s find those late-season gems that can help you get the most-important two-game winning streak of the season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?