The NFL regular season starts Thursday. Oh what a glorious daaaaaay. Ohhhhh, kickin off the NFL season, the Tehol Beddict waaaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, I just went Billy Madison on that ass, one of the Elder Gods (and my) favorite films. A tale of growth and maturation. A tale of destiny. You see, I was once like Billy, taking shots of Tequila with porn stars at 9 AM. Smoking peyote with tribesman in the Bermuda triangle. Doing lines of white lightening out of call girls’s yin-yangs in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. Yes, traveling the world and flexing your glutes for the camera can lead to some interesting experiences, but my life was incredibly empty. Was this really my true calling? One fine day, while I was going through my daily routine of harassing and verbally abusing my best friends to the point of them no longer speaking to me, like a bitch slap from Peter North’s dong, it hit me! I had a gift for creative writing and was without question a fantasy sports savant. Wouldn’t you know it, two weeks later I met Grey Albright at a swingers club in Tahoe, bonding with him as we Eiffel towered my long term lover. He thoroughly enjoyed combining the Naked Gun films with fantasy baseball for a post and decided to bring me in the fold. Was it my rapier wit or the briefcase full of money I left in the trunk of his car along with a bag containing the hair from my freshly shaved scrotum? I’ll never know, but, what I do know is, entertaining people with my mind and creativity is much more stimulating than greasing up my ass and grabbing my ankles for the cameraman. I’m happy to be here. Shout out to Billy Madison, for he followed his dreams, just as I have. We are kindred spirits, him and I.

I’m really losing it. Can we please get to my Week 1 rankings? I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings all. I’m here for the first of many DraftKings posts. And by ‘many’ I mean ‘once a week for 17 weeks’. Sounds daunting, I know. Wanna know what’s even more daunting? Trying to write this up two weeks in advance. Yes, you’re talking to August Sky when you comment on here. Well, it will really be September Sky in the comments but he’s commenting for August Sky from here. Do you know how hard it is to be split personalities based on months in the same post? The United States of Tara got nuthin on me! And why am I writing so far into the past you ask? Well, I have a few reasons…32 of’um to be exact. You see, I’m on the final leg of the #32in32in32 tour with Nick Capozzi starting on the 30th of August. That’s in Chicago and here’s me pointing at the spot on that sweet Razzball tour bus where Chicago is just in case regular maps confuse you. I won’t be home until after the first game of the year so I’m thinking ahead and getting the goods to you in a reasonable amount of time, ya dig? So apologies in advance if my info seems more dated than my cultural references. I’m doing my best! But now that we have that covered, let’s go even further into the past. Here’s my Pump & Primer post from earlier this August. It’s a great stop for those of you who are wondering just what the heck this DraftKings business is. BTW, you’ll notice I keep giving you a hyperlink for DraftKings…see I did it again! That’s your ticket to the $100,000 play action tournament care of Razzball if you’re a first time DK’er. And by clicking on that link and signing up through us, you let DK know that we sent you which lets them know we like them. It’s like Valentine’s Day and we’re secret DK admirers and you’re the box of chocolates we’re sending with a note attached saying ‘I wanna make sweet, sweet love to you down by the fire on a polar bearskin rug’. So it’s a win, win situation. Minus the staples you got from the attached note. Sorry about that, we’ll use tape next time. But you’ve already got a DK account, you say, but want something tempting from this post? Well how about Razzball’s 20 Team Week 1 DK Challenge? I reserved my seat back in August, where have you been? But of course, now that we’ve covered the pimping, let’s get to the playing and namely, playing against a bad defense. You see, the Cowboys were easily one of the worst defenses last year. I know, I know, don’t hang your hat on last year’s stats. But what did the Cowboys do to improve? By getting rid of DeMarcus Ware? Last time I checked, losing your best defensive player doesn’t improve your squad. This team is a mess and Jerry Jones is out there doing bathroom selfies in lewd ways to try and forget that he owns it. Speaking of owning, that’s what Colin Kaepernick will do come Sunday. Though I’m not the biggest Kaep guy for the year, I do think this matchup is for him to go hog-wild in given the set up. Colin finishing the day with 30+ points wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest and he’s not even priced in the top five QBs for the day. By the end of the day, Colin will have you saying ‘Oh Kaep-tain, my Kaep-tain, our fearful trip is done, The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won’. And not to get all sappy on you but yes, that’s my Robin Williams shout out. Gonna miss you, Mork. Now on with the week one picks for DraftKings contests for 2014 Fantasy Football…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Normally a big game from someone comes early in the day and I circle it, pin it on my 100 %recycled cork board and dictate the rest of my post in pieces here and there throughout but I’m not gonna lie: the Broncos vs Pats game I had circled. I just knew the name would come out of this game. I mean, we had all those stars and great storylines. Wes Welker returning to face his former team. Amendola living up to the hype of trying to replace Wes in New England. Peyton Manning doing his best nihilist impersonation. Gisele rushing onto the field and Tonya Harding’ing Welker also came to mind. But instead, out of all the storylines this game brought to life, it was really center stage for a guy who’s been under-appreciated for what he has meant to his team, been called out on twitter and in general gets no respect. I’m of course talking about Knowshon Moreno, the much maligned starting RB for the Broncos whose emergence started last year when Willis went down with an injury and rolled into this year while all the pundits said Montee Ball would be the star in Denver. And yet, through it all Moreno has put up some very solid fantasy numbers on the year. But I’m taking this second to point out a different part that’s just as important; what he means to his team. Moreno ‘gets it’ and Peyton knows it. He trusts him. When Moreno is out there, Manning knows he’s got a guy who knows the play and will be ready to block if the play changes and where he needs to be to make the team successful. Of course, twitter has been cruel to him but it’s also shed some light here and there as well. And despite the massive fantasy day, tallying 224 rushing yards on 37 carries to go with a TD, Moreno left the stadium in a walking boot and on crutches. I’m pointing all of this out to say it’s not just Moreno owners who should be worried about this injury as it could affect the offense as a whole if he misses significant time. You think I’m being melodramatic up in here? Think back on all those fumbles by Peyton on huge sacks. Guess who was in to pass block? Mmm-hmmm. He’s real football important and because of that his fake football persona is relevant. Montee Ball started the collapse for the Broncos in the second half with a fumble and has had pass pro issues. Ronnie Hillman has been in the inactive dog house since his fumble fiasco at the goal line in the Colts loss. CJ Anderson? Odd if they wanted him involved why they haven’t given him many reps since the Hill demotion. All this to say, Broncos thought it was cold Sunday Night. We might be finding out how warm it is when he’s away. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…in other news from week 12 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?