Howdy all, your boy Young Ralph Lifshitz is in the building, and I’m covering Daily Fantasy at DraftKings for the Legend (wait for it) Dary Sky. Just in case you’re wondering, Sky is fine, and certainly not bound and duct-tapped in the trunk of my 1998 Lincoln Mach VIII. From what I hear, Sky is in the Poconos with the Mrs. for a week of horse racing and cuddles and bubbles. Whether what I just said is a bold faced lie is for me to know and you to find out. While you come to your own conclusions about the last part, let’s talk about things we do know. First and foremost, pooping in a public bathroom is awkward 90% of the time, and the other 10% is middle of the road, but only because you’re alone. Secondly, and far more disgusting, the Jacksonville Jaguars stink against the pass, and by stink, I mean hot garbage cans full of rotten eggs. They currently average 2.8 passing TD’s allowed, 7.9 YPA, 11.4 yards per completion, and 40.8 opponent pass attempts per game. The last number is the most telling, because the only teams with a higher attempt per game average are the Broncos and Bengals. And well you pass against the Broncos and Bengals for very different reasons than you do the Jags. Sorry Jacksonville fans, but it gets no better this Sunday as the Pittsburgh Steelers and their top 10 passing attack come to town.

After Week 4, the Steelers rank 8th in the league in passing yards per game with an average of 274.8. They also boast the top wide receiver in the virtual game in Antonio Brown, a dual threat RB in Le’Veon Bell, and a veteran QB with a strong arm in Ben Roethlishberger. Though all the aforementioned names are strong buys this week, for the purposes of this post, Big Ben is my main focus. At a price of $7,400, Roethlishberger is the 12th most expensive option on the board, and due to his matchup, an absolute steal. He should easily outperform that rank on his way to a top 5 day. I suppose it’s not without risk as the Steelers could find themselves up big early with no need to pass. My guess is the improved Jacksonville passing game combined with the less than stellar Pittsburgh defense could keep the game just close enough to matter. Well that’s my hope anyway. Coming off a strong showing at home last week against the Buccaneers the Steelers passing attack should be in for another big game against another weak opponent.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to the Handcuff Report, 2014 primer. The Almighty J-FOH has bestowed upon me the honor of keeping you knuckleheads up to date on the latest NFL arrests, felonies, and misdemeanors. If Steven Ridley and Shane Vereen are smoking weed in a Pontiac Firebird, we’ll be there. If  Titus Young finds his way back into the league, we’ll be there. If Golden Tate decides to steal maple bars from a Detroit bakery, we’ll be there. You get the point…. Wait.?!?! That’s not what this post covers?…. It’s about running back committee’s? …Hmmm I don’t think that’s right. Jay, I think we have a problem…..I had 1,300 words about Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Le’veon Bell, and LeGarrette Blount. It seemed reasonable, there are a lot of arrests, and they do in fact impact our rosters. But okay… I got it now, you meant handcuff in a less literal sense. Oops! Welp, time to refocus. I guess instead I’ll be discussing the ever evolving Running Back committee situations around the league. For today and at least the first few weeks of the season, I’ll be providing a list of depth charts and commenting on the situations I feel need to be covered. In other words I’ll be spending less time on teams like the Vikings, Bears, or Seahawks and more time on teams like the Lions, Falcons, and Dolphins. As the season progresses, I’ll probably switch to more of a “handcuffs to watch format”, where I’ll cover a handful of backs with expanding roles. But who knows, we’ll see, you guys can tell me in the comments if you like the depth chart rankings. I’m cool with that. After today I will be sticking with the tried and true tiered approach (say that three times fast Micro Machine Man) and the tier names that J-FOH had last year, because what else is there outside of Fuzzy, Standard Issue Police, and Duct taped handcuffs? That pretty much covers the handcuff gamut. No??? Are there other varieties besides the ones covered?  Like those weird plastic ones, that cops use, maybe? Did you notice I said “cops use”… do you know why? Because Standard Issue Police That’s Why!!!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before we get to jamming and cramming the waiver wonders that could win your week, I want to welcome you all to the Razzball Lounge, my fantasy friends. The lounge is the place where we Razzball scribes come to kick back, relax, trash talk and cry in our boilermakers. Fantasy seasons have been won and lost in this dimly lit dump and now that the stench of stale beer and fantasy baseball has been washed away, it’s time to for us fantasy footballers to take over. Rip down that Mike Trout Fathead and make room for this life size pic of Gronk. Here in the lounge we find Sky cutting up old magazines as he creates a “love letter” to Doug Martin that will land him with a restraining order later in the week, “YoU’Re DeAd To mE, mUScLe hAmStEr!!” At the jukebox we find JayWrong in his Dan Fouts throwback dropping quarters as he plays “Stairway to Heaven” over and over, “Hey guys, you really should pick up Philip Rivers.” *bottle smashes above head* At the bar demanding another Labatt’s is our resident podcast host Nick, “The greatest football team will always be the Toronto Argonauts.” *throws up on shoes* Locked in the ladies room with this sweet honey is the one and only Tehol who is about to make a big discovery, “Whatever happens in the Razzball Lounge stays in the Razzball Lounge, right guys??” And standing here at the pool table is your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru. *closes eye, aims cue, sinks 8-ball off three rails, downs flaming shot, accidentally lights turban on fire* “It’s time to jam it or cram it. What’s that smell?”

Please, blog, may I have some more?