Excuse me, everybody, I’m a bit tired from spending the last week pitching the Razzbowl to the Shark Tank investors. See, I thought we had such a good program here — the best ball, the FAAB, the community — that we could turn this [waves hands around frantically] from the world’s biggest free Pros-V-Joes best ball tournament into a lucrative side-business. Then, Mark Cuban started talking about some team he owns, and I started talking about how I drafted Joe Mixon and Leonard Fournette, and then he started saying something about inexperience and over-my-head, and then I took my prop football and I threw it right over his head. Turns out, if you attack a billionaire, there’s a group of people who start following you, but not in a Korean boy-band kind of way. 

So while I write this from the rest stop in eastern Kentucky eluding the finest private security vans that Cuban could hire, I trust that y’all will learn from my mistakes and do a Kickstarter in the future. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s 7AM Tuesday morning. Blair wakes up. Pours the coffee, adds the half and half. Toast with butter and jam. Three kids shouting about Cinnamon Toast Crunch fill the background. His wife returns home from a shift in the ER. More drunken ATV crashes. The smoke from the west coast fires has arrived in the midwest, the morning sun shining red through the haze.

“It’s time to check the Razzbowl standings!” Blair shouts to his family audience, nobody caring in particular. Phone in one hand, coffee in the other, he opens the NFC app on his phone, looking at the league summary. “First place!” he exclaims. But wait. Razzbowl Satellite Rank: 1. He scrolls up. The Razzbowl Online Rank: 234. A tear forms. “Covid patients for covid reasons last night,” his wife says. Another tear forms. 

Looking for solace, he checks his neighbors in the standings. Ah! Yes, there are some powerful names around me. People from Rotoviz, Rotoballer, people who have big publications. People who are leaders in the industry. Blair thinks back to last year, when he drafted Andrew Luck and then Zay Jones in the 8th round. He was in 6th place in a competitive league at one point! Before, well, falling to 11th place and feeling the sting of defeat. 

Blair scrolls to his roster, eyeing Leonard Fournette. “You can do it, Lenny!” he whispers, hardly noticing the two kids hammering cereal spoons at his shins. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[the following is my pitch for Razzball’s retro sci-fi themed magazine, RAZZBOT

The hallways at Razzball corporate headquarters echoed with the sound of piped-in crowd noise, tuned to the Cleveland Browns channel. The angry barks of Ohioans chanting “BAKER MAKER FAKER SHAKER” showed that the noise generator bot had again glitched, stuck in rhyming mode. This pleased Razzball CEO Donkey Chompers, who was the cyborg iteration of his predecessor, Donkey Teeth.

Following the events of 2020, when Kahale Warring scored 18 receiving touchdowns, the Razzball analysts who had drafted him became world-wide celebrities renowned for their prognostication powers. Most of the Razzball analysts decided a career change was in order. BDon, Coach JB, and EverywhereBlair formed a boy band, The Razzbois. Rudy Gamble started a haberdashery for dogs. MB took up a career as Ben Rothlisberger’s stunt double. But Donkey Teeth wanted to become something…more. Having taken $25 off his NFFC best ball tournament by using the code “RAZZAUG,” he saved enough money to hire a high school robotics team and purchase their cheapest cybernetic augmentation: robot teeth. With his dental hygiene automated, Donkey Chompers had enough free time to devote to his new life goal: finding the next Kahale Warring. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Throughout July, I peppered the site with in-depth analysis of the 2019 RazzBowl and gave you the 2020 RazzBowl Guidebook. So, it’s only fitting that I recap my own draft and let you know whether I followed my own advice, or deviated from the script. I’m most of the way through a RazzBowl qualifier draft as well, so I’ll drop my notes and advice from that draft as well. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

B_Don and Donkey Teeth are joined by one of our new Razzball writers, Bobby Lamarco. We ask Bobby about the recent LeSean McCoy signing and what we each expect it to mean for the Tampa RB situation. We also talk about Damien Williams recent opt out for the 2020 season and where we’re willing to draft Clyde Edwards-Helaire now. 

We move on to talk about our individual #RazzBowl draft starts. Bobby and B_Don go RB heavy early, while Donkey Teeth is taking a bit of a different approach. Bobby asks DT about his selection of Miles Sanders at 5, and what his projections look like for Sanders. 

Finally, we ask Bobby about his initial column series covering, well, shadow coverage. Bobby explains how he plans to use his shadow coverage research for both in-season and during the draft process. We ask him about his in depth research about Stefon Diggs, and we look how shadow coverage may affect the 49ers receiving situation in general. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Razzbowl Guidebook

Welcome everybody!

What is up everyone, and welcome to your one-stop shop for RazzBowl pre-draft materials. If you’re in the RazzBowl, then you’re one of either the lucky Pros or Joes who will compete for fantasy immortality. Come, take a seat, and catch up on some of the articles and “hot taeks.” If you’re not in the RazzBowl, then you’ll still get a lot of value out of this article, like how to draft to win against a large and competitive field of fantasy football heroes, or how to quickly make yourself a fantasy zero. 

This article will be pretty straight-forward: I’ll highlight articles, summarize some tips we learned from studying last year’s winners, and give everybody enough information to have one of the best fantasy football experiences of your life. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Mike Beers, reigning RazzBowl champion, Co-Owner, VP NFL Data & Analytics at RotoViz, visits with B_Don and Donkey Teeth to talk about his recent roster construction findings. The Razzball guys ask Mike to explain how his approach works and how it might differ depending on format. 

We move on to examine how his approach drafted two very different teams in his RB heavy 2019 winning RazzBowl squad to his 0 RB 2020 Scott Fish Bowl X team. B_Don asks Mike to help him figure out the early weeks with 0 RB strategy. 

Then, the guys ask Mike about some of his players that were on both rosters in Kyler Murray and Kenny Golladay. We move on to a couple of his other receivers in Michael Gallup and JuJu. Finally, we ask if he plans on actually using his FAAB this year or if he’ll just beat us all via the draft again. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Andy Behrens of Yahoo joins B_Don and Donkey Teeth on the most recent episode. We ask Andy about some of the NFL news, the Washington football team changing their name, Devonta Freeman’s agent is out, and the Raheem Mostert trade demand.

We then move on to Andy’s #SFBX (Scott Fish Bowl 10) team. Andy is a drafting legend after this one, bringing in a 0.0 draft time for 22 rounds. We ask him about his RB duo of Josh Jacobs and D’Andre Swift, along with his QBs in Lamar Jackson, Tom Brady, and Phillip Rivers.

The guys continue the industry league talk with some #RazzBowl 2 talk. Andy talks about his misses in the inaugural season, and how he will approach it differently this year. We ask him about his FAAB strategy and how he plans to handle COVID/byes/injuries in the year that is 2020. We wrap up by asking Andy whether he has a Howie Kendrick in football. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Danny Kelly of the Ringer, stops by the Razzball Football Podcast to chat with B_Don and Donkey Teeth. We discuss Raheem Mostert’s trade/contract demands, and how the 49ers RB situation could play out moving forward.

Then we move on and take a look at Danny’s #SFBX (Scott Fish Bowl 10) draft, and his general strategy for the event. We ask him about his draft strategy, his slllloooowwww draft, and ask him about the expectations for some of his team members.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Helicopter blades whirl above my head, the whomp whomp of each rotation replacing my own pulse, putting me into a transcendent state where I commune with the all-knowing extra-dimensional beings of fantasy football. I pull a knife from my pocket and cut plastic strips from forty-pound bags of pellets of synthetic mosquito hormone. I lift the bags chest high to hand them to my partner, who dumps them in the hopper attached to the side of the helicopter. Whomp, whomp.  “You’re drafting with experts,” I hear from my inner monologue as I cut and lift and cut and lift. “It’s the RazzBowl. You can do this.” In 37 seconds we dump 320 pounds of pesticide into the hopper. When the bags are empty my partner and I step quickly away toward a row of pickup trucks baking in the sun. We secure our waste bags, pull out the sun umbrella, lower the tailgates, and watch the helicopter take off to distribute the pesticide in wetlands across the St. Paul area. I pull out my phone. It’s time. I’m on the clock in RazzBowl. With Christian McCaffery taken at 1.01, I pick Alvin Kamara at 1.02. I shout out my victory to my co-workers, who nod and go back to their League of Legend highlight videos. By the end of the day, I’ve drafted Keenan Allen, and I think–I know!–that I’m going to win in RazzBowl. 

[record scratch]

Please, blog, may I have some more?