Greetings! Today, I write to you from the uncomfortable seat of an Alaskan Airlines coach seat. That’s right, I’m headed to Maui, where I hope to relax, get a savage tan, and bust more nuts than Alvin and the Chipmunks at Thanksgiving. [Jay’s Note: I hope you’re staying in Kihei. Like a second home for me…] If you happen to follow me on Twitter, I’ll be posting daily pictures and trust me, you’re going to want to see this… Actually, you might hate me if you don’t already, but when you’re a professional fantasy football writer/thong model, you get to experience some pretty cool things. I just pray Ralph Lifshitz’s wife is able to meet me as planned, as it’s where we first met and created Ralph’s first child. Who am I kidding, she wouldn’t miss it for the world. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take Heed!

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Hey, you guys remember when the Saints destroyed Hurricane Katrina? They basically put a bounty on it and once it made landfall, it was quickly downgraded to a tropical storm. You could say a similar thing happened last night against the Falcons. With their season on the line (a loss would have put the Saints five games back), the Falcons we remembered so well from past years showed up and provided the derp we were craving. Penalties, fumbles, a profound lack of Julio Jones when it mattered, and even a punt was blocked (shown above), all helping Drew Brees connect 98% of his passes to a tight end I’m still trying to learn about on Wikipedia. If the Patriots or Packers had the schedule the Falcons had (I mean, look at it. The Falcons have two teams left to play against with a winning record…), they’d each go 790-0 during the regular season. And that’s being kind with the math. And yet, the 5-0 Falcons lost to the hapless 1-4 Saints. Sounds like peak NFC South to me folks…

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Well, I guess someone forgot to remind us that Jamaal Charles bi-annual end-of-season injury was due. Looking to go up 24-3 in the third quarter against the Bears, the Chiefs drove into the red zone, and on a seemingly normal (and patented Andy Reid run-up-the-middle with one of the best outside-the-number runners in football) play, Charles twisted his knee moving left to right (as shown above). And that’s the moment the Chiefs season ended. Based off of initial tests, it appears that Charles has suffered a torn RCL in his right knee. And if that wasn’t enough, the Bears were able to mount a comeback and win the game 18-17. If I didn’t know any better, I would say this was probably the Chiefs at their most Chiefiest moment. While many would look to Knile Davis to try and fill in for what was essentially 90% of Kansas City’s offense, Charcandrick (his stripper name, I’m sure) West will look to be Alex Smith’s new check-down artist. Yes, starting 1-4 is pretty bad. And losing your star player who handles the bulk of your offense is devastating. But hey, it could be worse… you could be the Detroit Lions…

Here’s what else I saw this past Sunday in Week 5:

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Bradyface

While I would normally highlight a marquee match-up during the late game slate, there really are none. The Cardinals and Lions is semi-intriguing, if only to witness the Lions progression into a complete dumpster fire. The Broncos visit the Raiders, which is probably going to be a lot closer than everyone thinks. And when you finally accept that the Raiders may be getting closer to a viable football franchise, they’ll do something totally Raiders. I’m going to say this time, it’ll be a ridiculous personal foul penalty at the end of the game to seal it for Denver. And the last game of the day is the Patriots traveling to Dallas. Typically, this would have been the marquee match-up of the day, but since half of the Cowboys are either dead or missing, New England will get to enjoy a free win. The only question is, will Belichick still keep his starters in when up by 100 points in the third quarter?

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kissing
Apparently there is some discrepancy as to what exactly a “kissing cousin” is. Am I even allowed to end a sentence with the word “is”? [Jay’s Note: Sure are!] Either way, I just did. It is what it is. Like many, I have always thought a kissing cousin was a second, or more distant, cousin in which that law allows you to bed. Contrary definitions say it is any person close enough to kiss hello upon greeting. The law dictates that one cannot marry a first cousin. Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins. Jerry Lee Lewis did too, and she was only 13 years old at the time. I’m not even going to begin to attempt to recount the number of violations to this and other related rules in The Game of Thrones. Speaking of GOT, when is that coming back? The Leftovers season two just started and I’m not really sure how to react to the first episode. Anyone else? So what band of idiots can I put together from Week 4 that would have unexpectedly gone from geek to chic and crushed any team in its path.
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So like my team (the best team in the league of course) the Patriots had their bye on Week 4, so did I. But now I’m back, and all of you who were lost without my words of wisdom are saved. As the season is ¼ over, we are starting to see injuries, starters struggling, and backups thriving. This changes the tide of who is worth owning and who is worth dropping. As always, I’m here to lead you in the right direction. And the first player I’m going to talk about is someone I never thought I’d mention worth owning since like 2010…

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In what was a interesting-because-it-was-close-but-sorta-kinda-boring-anyways Sunday Night Football game, Dallas once again proved that they are two different teams depending on which half it is. It’s almost as if they are preserving the long-held tradition of Romonobyl. An homage, if you will. While the Saints are hanging on to dear life and Brees’ busted shoulder with an 1-3 record, they’d be hard pressed to catch up with the surging Falcons and Panthers as the season progresses. I’m actually still bewildered by the fact that NFC South teams are actually capable of surging. That being said, the Cowboys find themselves in the untenable position of having everything needed to dominate a weak NFC East, but having those things injured for more than half the season (including Lance Dunbar tearing his ACL last night). The Giants were gifted a win against Buffalo, who had 17 penalties, and the Eagles were beaten unresoundingly by Washington. These teams are not good at all, and hilariously any one of them can take the division. But like the Cowboys, none of them seem to want it. Almost like some kind of derpy game of hot potato. Now that I think about it, this is actually peak NFC East. Carry on…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 4:

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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ROAD-HOUSE

In 1989, James Dalton gave us three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice. I bet most of you had no idea that Dalton’s first name was actually James. And for those of you that have no idea who Dalton is, shame on you! Close your browser, get yourself a six pack of brewskis and a bottle of Jack and watch Road House. Dalton, portrayed by the late Patrick Swayze, was one of the toughest, ass kicking dudes in movie history. Recruited by the owner of The Double Deuce, a rowdy dive bar in Missouri, Dalton moves from NYC to take over security and help clean up the violence that is destroying the bar. Dalton is a professional “cooler”, or bouncer for those of you less informed readers. Despite being able to handout a beatdown like it’s his job (which it is), Dalton doesn’t actually like violence. He has a degree in philosophy and practices thai chi. This, however, does not keep him from literally ripping Jimmy’s throat out with his bare hands. Bottom line, Road House is one bad ass film. From Jasper, Missouri we travel nearly 650 miles east to Cincinnati. From one Dalton to another. My lineup of waiver wire fodder is led at quarterback by The Red Rifle, aka Andy Dalton. No relation to James.

Here’s the complete lineup…

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Well hello again friends and enemies.  We embark on another year of fantasy usefulness here at Razzball, and as always, I am here to shed a spotlight on something either obvious or not so obvious.  This week, the one obvious thing that I am going to point out to all of you is the match-up between the Eagles and the Falcons.  The game itself does nothing as a whole for us from a fantasy perspective, but the player I want to spotlight on is Leonard Hankerson.  Granted, Leo hasn’t ever really been in a keen quarterback situation, unless you count that half a year with RG-3.  He is not a possession receiver, nor a burner.  He’s just an ordinary guy. This week though, he has a chance to be something better.  He can be the WR3 we are all coveting for in Week 1 that a lot of people are sleeping on.  Wondering why?  Hell, I am too, but stick with me and I will steer you to Week one helpfulness as the lighthouse spotlight shines on the A-T-L…

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As promised, I have completed my homework for this year’s upcoming auctions and am back to share the results. In part 3 of my “Points Per Dollar” series (Part 1, Part 2), I have put together my 2015 projections, converted them to fantasy points and compared each player against his current going auction value. For this data I have gathered the results of thousands of completed 2015 auctions. It’s important to note that in determining a player’s PPD you must use their going market value. Many sites, Razzball included, publish a cheatsheet of each player’s auction values. This is helpful as a guideline, but that’s all they are. Guidelines. It’s one thing for an expert to say Aaron Rodgers is worth $36, but what I really care about is the fact that he is actually going for $44 in real auctions. That’s a more indicative value as to what Rodgers will actually cost me on auction day.

Take me on in the Razzball Commenter Leagues here!

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