What’s up Razzicans! If you are still here, you are either still playing or just can’t let us go. If it’s the latter, then all I can say is watch this and don’t take it personal. I’m kidding, glad to have you. We’re doing something a little different this week to close out the 2014 fantasy season. I’m also writing this post with my pants on for once. (It’s about as awkward as that one time I wore boxers to gym class during wrestling week.) Here is the breakdown, I’m covering the NFC games and my boy Ralph is covering the AFC later today. I’m gonna gloss over the players that should be usable and play the whole game or at least have some level of relevance.

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While it’s a bit too tempting to take time in the lede to discuss what was the “potential Super Bowl match-up” of the year between the Packers and Patriots, or even the discussing the Ravens snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against my Chargers. And heck, you could even throw in the Jaguars beating the Giants, who were in full derp mode, making Tom Coughlin even more salty and vinegary (to be taken at it’s most literal definition), but, in the end, I do find the slow collapse of the Arizona Cardinals team fascinating… While I normally don’t root for Cardinals, (that’s more St’ Louis’ and Busch’s fault. Double entendre alert!), you had to respect the fact that they found themselves 9-1 despite starting Drew Stanton, not Carson Palmer, for a majority of those games. While 9-1 and those two names don’t really make sense when used in the same sentence, a stifling defense and some luck have been two things that lesser teams have had success with (See Broncos, 2011). But ending the regular season against the Chiefs, Rams, Seahawks, and 49ers, there are legitimate scenarios where they could now miss the playoffs, and some, where the Rams could actually sneak in. This is all to say, wow, the NFC South is a dumpster fire in the truest sense of the word. You could ask for reasons why that gives context (they did just lose to the 4-7 Falcons), but I would still say NOOOOPE, I need no reasons.

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Welcome back, my lovelies! I hope the fantasy Gods have been as good to you this week as they have been to me! Yours truly went a solid 6-0 this week, and it seems you are all finally seeing that I know what I am talking about, as I had to battle some of you on the waiver wires this week as well. Remember, Hell hath no fury…and to the person who beat me on waivers for Gray this week? Well, let’s just say I will be very BLOUNT about my thoughts on that. Remember all, I am a girl who gets what she wants, and when I don’t…well… Hopefully your hoopties (rosters that is) are still rollin’, tailpipe draggin, sure the heat don’t work and your girl keeps naggin’ but hey, its Fantasy Football and no one said it had to be perfect or pretty. Kind of like a toothy bj, it may be painful and not very enjoyable, but hopefully there is still some satisfaction at the end. So, speaking of satisfaction, let’s all lube up and get ready for a good time as I bust open Week 13’s Hit it or Quit it.

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Well, that was interesting. But only if you’re a Packers fan. Ben Roethlisberger? This is Aaron Rodgers, and he just escalated the situation by scoring 6 touchdowns and NOT losing to the Jets. Which seems like an insurmountable escalation right there. If you missed it (you probably should have), the Bears once again confirmed that they are a terrible football team. If they didn’t come out after half-time, already losing 0-42, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I doubt the Packers would have noticed, that’s for sure. But who doesn’t want to make history? So for the first time in 90 years, the Bears have now given up 50 plus points in consecutive games. And the funniest saddest realist part of all this? Oh yeah, that’s right, this is the Bears coming off a bye. Silly Jets fans, and you thought the 2015 first overall draft pick was yours for the taking…

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In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

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I thought trading away Percy Harvin was going to solve all your problems? Well, I guess trading away one of your best weapons doesn’t exactly solve terrible play-calling, subpar offensive line play, and very un-special teams play. So, despite the faulty narrative that I’m sure will be thrown about, here we are, CONDITION CRIMSON RED, also the color of Tom Coughlin’s face. As was alluded to early yesterday, imagining an outcome such as this was a fools errand, but it wouldn’t have been the craziest thing to think that the Rams could pull off the upset. And while it took wild and boner inducing events (which is also my pet name for your mom) to take place, the impossible was suddenly possible, and the 2013 Super Bowl champions are now 3-3. Said events (we’ll call them “Cialis”) included a hilarious punt return where Tavon Austin lined up on the left side of the field for the return, and acted like he was about to catch the ball, which drew in the entire Seahawks special teams unit, cameraman in full tow, and then this happened…

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Later in the game, with Seattle needing a big stop for another chance at the win, Tre Mason broke through for a first down on 3rd-and-1, icing the game right then and there, until he was stripped. The ball bounced forward, was covered by a Rams lineman, only to pop out again and be seemingly recovered by Seattle. Replays did show Richard Sherman on top of the ball for a moment, but “technically” there wasn’t enough to overturn the officials call which had rewarded the possession to the Rams. That’s two straight losses for Seattle, a team which is now sitting at .500 on the season. Look on the bright side Seahawks fans. After this third loss, the band wagon crowd should be displeased enough to go away. Not as effective as a meteor, but it’ll have to do.

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I will forever despise Austin Davis for what he did to me on Monday Night football. I speak not of the touchdown pass he threw in the first half (yippeeeee), but of the pick-6 he gifted to the Niners that beat me in fantasy ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Austin Davis and the entire Rams organization is a total joke, and I hear they’re moving to L.A. For the City of Angel’s sake, let’s hope that they leave Davis in St. Louis along with Jeff Fisher (one of the most overrated head coaches in NFL history along with Brian Schottenheimer, one of the worst play callers in NFL History). We all knew the pick was coming, and boy did it come… all over my face! Just the interception by itself would have at least given me a tie, but that’s obviously too much to ask for on the Elder Gods’ favorite son’s birthday. That embarrassingly pathetic play lost and won thousands of fantasy match ups this weekend, and I’ll probably never get over it. Kudos to you if you won with the Niners defense on that same play. Cool Beans. You really earned that one, guys. Let’s get this over with so I can gorge myself on my leftover birthday cake, which will hopefully place me in a state of hibernation until next week. Yea, most depressing birthday in Beddict history. They say time heals all things… except fantasy football losses, those stick with you forever.

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The 2014 NFL season looks more and more like a demolition derby of humanity with each passing week. In Week 6, Victor Cruz of the New York Giants was the biggest name to see his season end. He ruptured the patella tendon in his knee on a fourth-down play and that was it. The night didn’t get any easier for the New York Giants as they lost Jerrel Jernigan for the season, which put them down two wide receivers. Losing 27-0 to the Eagles on Sunday night seemed to be secondary. Things worsened for the Giants in one day but is your fantasy team dealing with injuries? Of course it is. If you haven’t had a player get hurt you’re either extremely lucky or it’s a total fluke. Either way, we’ll help you get through this difficult time of the season.

Let’s look back and see the big fantasy-relevant names who got hurt on Week 6…

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Those of you in your 30’s shouldn’t have a hard time remembering George Michael’s Sports Machine. Running from 1984 to about 2007, and airing on Sunday nights, it was a 30-minute television show dedicated to providing the highlights of the past week’s sporting events. I did a quick search on Ancestry.com, and it turns out the Sports Machine and Stats Machine are very distant relatives. I hope George’s estate doesn’t sue me. Now that I have cleared that up, let’s move on.

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In a thrilling day of footballing, there were nine games decided by a touchdown or less, three games decided by a field goal or less, and two overtime victories. It was enough to make some teams (looking directly at you Jim Caldwell and the Lions) wonder why someone like Alex Henery, who single-handedly (or footedly? Is that a word?) lost the game against the Kyle Orton led Bills 17-14, (to what was a 58-yard field goal to Dan Carpenter) still holds a job in the NFL. Missing one field goal is okay. Missing two is unacceptable. Missing three in a game, one of which came with 51 seconds remaining… well… if anything, Henery should be immediately cut just for allowing the above photo to be a thing. Fun fact: If you look up the word “d*ckish” in the dictionary, you’ll find a smug Jim Schwartz smiling right back at you. And while you could easily see getting carried off the field after beating Detroit in the fifth week of the regular season as the most Buffalo thing ever (landing as a tie with eating and drinking too much before sobbing uncontrollably… or is that Cleveland?), apparently asking your team to do this in the preseason, as far back as OTA’s seems, I don’t know, spiteful? Smarmy? Maladjusted? Well, to be fair, with Schwartz, no one would ever see him being that kind of guy… But hey, some good came out of this. Kyle Orton threw for over 300+ yards with a touchdown against the number one ranked defense in the NFL, which is pretty good. And probably the eighth sign that the end of the world is here.

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