Greetings! Tis I, the extraordinary Mr. Beddict, here to shoot fantasy football knowledge from my fingertips to your brains. I’m gonna shoot. I’m gonna shooooooot. After scouring the box scores for days on end, I’ve concluded that some of my guidance in the comment section might have actually been advantageous. And for that I give myself, Tehol Beddict, two snaps and a twist! It’s reigning men out here in the fantasy football world, and my duty here at Razzball is to handpick a squad of these demi-gods every week and dissect their targets and production for your reading pleasure. It’s been said Bill Simmons flogs the dolphin to my posts. There’s been rumors Peter King has my 1997 Playgirl foldout on his wall. What they don’t understand is that no amount of money could ever tear me away from Razzball, the home of legends like Grey, Rudy, and my sensei Sky-dog. Ok, that’s probably an overstatement. Five hundred would probably get the deal done. Enough about me (is that possible?), let’s get to the players we rode like Seattle Slew for the win, or the so called gladiators who performed like gelded steers during mating season:
Jimmy Graham- 10 receptions for 179 yards and 1 TD on 16 targets. My main man Jimmy blacked out and raged on the Buccaneers of Tampa Bay. Simply put, Jimmy G has been blessed with immense talent and the magic stick by the Elder Gods, therefore ensuring his success and imperviousness to injury or even STDs (cant say the same for me). I suppose that wasn’t “simply put” after all, but I certainly enjoyed writing it. Jimmy Crack went down on the half yard line almost giving his owners a day for the ages instead of just an exceptional performance. He also was limited to about 20 yards in the second half as Tampa adjusted on defense. The conundrum that this brings forth, is the fact that opposing defenses will more than likely now copy what Tampa did in the second half as Lance Moore and even Marcus Colston can be covered man to man. Did I mention the Saints re-signed Robert Meachem? What a disgrace. So, so, so, soooo deep in my beautiful soul (amazing jam), I gotta believe Brees continues to force feed this mammoth creature from another world, so kudos to you if you drafted Jimmy in the second round and get top receiver production from him throughout the year. Witness.
Kenbrell Thompkins– 2 receptions for 47 yards on 7 targets– Like a catholic Priest, I’m usually gung-ho when it comes to athletic young boys, but Kenbrell has pushed me to the threshold of insanity. Yes, I won both leagues I started him last week, including of course, the Razzball writers league where I’m the defending champion, but that will more than likely be the last time I start this T-Rexed armed, butter-fingered, undrafted rookie until he shows me something more. Take heed.
Mike Williams- 2 receptions for 9 yards on 6 targets. Josh Freeman is performing about as limply as your boy Beddict, after an eight-ball and a fifth of whiskey. Williams will suffer the consequences. Would be fearful of starting him at this point in time.
Stephen Hill- 4 receptions for 86 yards on 8 targets. One would think that either Hill or Santonio Holmes is going to become the preferred target of young Geno Smith. Holmes would be my pick, and possibly a 3rd fantasy wideout if not for this injury he claims is still slowing him down. Hill is a freak athlete, yet in the past we’ve seen him grab fewer balls than a lesbian porn star. During last week’s game, Hill made a few errors that may have cost the Jets the win. I’m still a supporter
Ahmad Bradshaw- 15 carries for 65 yards and 1 TD and 3 receptions for 19 yards on 3 targets. Much to Sky’s disappointment, Bradshaw is finished. From fantasy flex option to droppable in one fateful day. That shizz Kray.
Lamar Miller- 14 carries for 69 and yards and 1 TD with 2 receptions for 6 yards on 2 targets. If anybody in this universe or the next can begin to explain to me why Daniel Thomas is supposedly going to be splitting carries with this young stallion, I’be be much obliged. It makes about as much sense as Angelina Jolie fiending for Billy-Bob Thornton’s man juice. How Brad Pitt has excepted that fact and since adopted 15 children with Jolie, I’ll never know. He’s had to have at least screamed at her a few times right? Miller is the superior back and it’s not even the slightest bit close. That should become more apparent moving forward. I’d start Miller every week at this point.
Daryl Richardson- 10 carries for 35 yards and 5 receptions for 45 yards on 6 targets. D-Rich remains valuable in PPR leagues but that’s pretty much it at this point. If he doesn’t break out quickly I fully expect Pead to start eating away at Richardson’s carries, and if that occurs Richardson immediately becomes Darren Sproles type fantasy option. I know that’s like saying Chris O’Donnell is a Matt Damon type actor, so don’t get too carried away. Let me be clear; Richardson is no Sproles and O’Donnell is no Damon, though he could have been but that’s a tale for another day. Start Richardson in PPR this week but bench in standard leagues unless desperate.
Jacquizz Rodgers- 11 carries for 17 yards and 4 receptions for 28 yards on 4 targets. Whatever happened to Quizz’s brother? That dude had some pimp tight game as well. Well as you all know, Steven Jackson is going to be out at least a couple weeks and Rodgers has been waiting for his opportunity to be a feature back. Considering Atlanta’s only other option is Jason Snelling, I’d say there’s a pretty good chance of that happening. Q-Rod is a dangerous threat in the receiving game and could have a couple monster weeks, though I don’t see it happening in Miami this upcoming weekend. Feeling quite positive about the weekend after though. Keep that in mind when you go to bed at night, right after you hit BangBros.com. Not before, cuz that would be strange.
Brandon LaFell- 4 receptions for 13 yards on 6 targets. The definition of a disgrace. Unless you’re in a 36 team league, please drop.
Robert Woods- 4 receptions for 68 yards on 6 targets. Lil Stevie Johnson is still the go-to receiver in the Bills offense but Woods is causing me to think dirty thoughts. I loved him coming out of college and am not at all surprised he’s looking like a steal early on. Struggles will occur considering they are starting a rookie QB but if you’re desperate I’d feel pretty solid about sticking him in there. Watch and learn.
Toby Gerhart- 1 carry for 5 yards and 1 reception for 3 yards on 2 targets. Just seeing if you actually read this post or simply leave questions in the comment section. How Tobes is still in the league, I have no explanation.
Leonard Hankerson- 3 receptions for 35 yards on 3 targets. You didn’t believe Hanky was going to repeat his garbage time performance from week 1 did you? Garçon is the only wideout you want to be starting in this offense for the time being. I’ll let you know when otherwise.
Randall Cobb– 9 receptions for 128 yards on 10 targets. I was going to write about James Starks until I remembered James Starks blows chode. Speaking of blowing, I’ve come to realize is that I love Randall Cobb like the adopted African-American brother I always wanted. Cobb is in line for a monstrous season and is a legit number 1 fantasy receiver, even more so in PPR. Learn about homey.
DeMarco Murray- 12 carries for 25 yards and 5 receptions for 49 yards on 6 targets. Murray frustrates me to no end. Every week I expect big things and every week he disappoints and it makes me feel like I just had a rhino impale me anally. Thank the Gods I only own Murray in PPR leagues this season, for he is at least catching the ball quite well. That whole thing about black rhino’s having larger horns; Totally a myth.
Dexter McCluster- 2 receptions for 14 yards on 4 targets. This former second-round pick is officially low grade fantasy dog food. A reemergence to relevance is doubtful.
Antonio Gates- 8 receptions for 124 yards on 10 targets. Minus a monumental fumble that almost cost the Chargers the game, Gates looked incredible last Sunday. It’s been paining me to witness Gates limp around the field the past couple years so it’s fun to see him back on the field and excelling like the champion he is……..I’m sure he’ll get hurt soon.
Riley Cooper- 2 receptions for 25 yards for 1 TD on 3 targets. Riles stopped attending Klan meetings and look what happens?! TOUCHDOWN!
Trent Richardson- 18 carries for 58 yards and 5 receptions for 21 yards on 5 targets. I’m blown away on how many football experts believe this trade to be great move by the Browns. I understand their logic, but this is a gigantic acquisition for the Colts who now have their starting QB and RB combo for the next 7 years or so. T-Rich will take advantage of much more spread out field by finding the kind of gaping holes Peter North only dreams about. Richardson is an excellent receiver as well and I’m positive Luck will find him early and often. Congrats to the Richardson owners, for you may have just hit the lottery.
Bernard Pierce- 19 carries for 57 yards and 1 td with 1 reception for -2 yards on 1 target. I don’t love the matchup with Houston much this week but if Rice is out, and he should be, Pierce is a serious RB2 option and definite flex option as he should see the ball all day long. Time to see how legit Pierce really is. Great Expectations.
DeAndre Hopkins- 7 receptions for 117 yards with 1 TD on 13 targets. Hopkins may have a tad bit more talent than Texans legend, Kevin Walter. Shocking, I know. Seriously though, double kudos to you if you drafted Hopkins late as he looks like a serious stud muffin out there. Did he really say he’s going to be better than Andre? Slow down son, you’re killin em. That’s blasphemy. You got’s to chill DeAndre. Start him.
Michael Floyd- 3 receptions for 22 yards on 7 targets. Not Mikey’s finest day. You can’t really judge him strictly based on this game, since the Lions have lockdown corners and all. I only say this because ESPN is projecting Garçon 7 points this week, which I found ridiculously low. But based off the great ESPN’s projections, one can only assume it’s pretty much impossible to throw on Detroit, so don’t hold it against Floyd.
Jacksonville Jaguars– Nothing to see here folks. Move along. I shouldn’t say that. Shorts is solid option but that’s where it stops. It doesn’t look like my boy MJD is even an RB3 at this point in time. The Jags have my Seahawks this week? YIKES!
David Wilson- 7 carries for 17 yards and 0 receptions on 1 target.…………………F##K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…………………….F#C#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………….
Julius Thomas- 6 receptions for 47 yards and 1 TD on 9 targets. Looks like J.T. is for real ya’ll. Keep on puuuuushin.
That’s all the time I have for you this week my friends. Remember to follow me on twitter @TeholBeddict47, where you can find my thoughts on sex, gambling and all things sports. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to with the kind of efficiency you’ve only read about in nerdly science fiction novels. Does that even make sense? Frankly, I don’t care, as it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and I have to be up at 6 to get my A$$ bleached. It’s not easy being a model. Good luck this week. Until we meet again.