“PULL BRADFORD!” – Eagles Fans from the first snap to the second half, and then again in the fourth quarter. They’re nothing if not consistent.
Granted, I think that was the longest I’ve ever seen Sam Bradford play, but as I alluded to in yesterday’s round-up, the NFC East is crucial when it comes to developing, producing, and delivering derp. In fact, the most surprising part is how the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys are reaching closer and closer to Washington in derp levels. Something like a tide lifts all boats type of strategy perhaps. The first half was interesting, in that I couldn’t really deduce what exactly was going on… was Chip Kelly’s innovations on offense suffering because the Falcons defense was actually trying (something they hadn’t implemented in years), or was Chip Kelly’s innovations just so next level, his goal was to get the punting team to take the field as quickly as possible? One can never know, and I’ll admit, I didn’t know until things went back to semi-normal in the third quarter, where the Eagles scored 14 unanswered points on the tiny back of Darren Sproles, who was located on your fantasy bench. And all of this was against the prototypical Kyle Shanahan offense, which had like 600-yards and just two touchdowns… But of course, in Eagles fashion, with the chance to drive down the field with two minutes to go and win the game, Bradford threw a pass to Jordan Matthews only to see it hit off his hands into the Falcons defense (shown above). I’m pretty sure the NFC East will just be taking a sabbatical this year… And as for the Vikings vs. 49ers game… I don’t really want to talk about it. Let’s just say the entire game reminded me of some kind of avant-garde Burning Man exhibition piece. In a civilized country, both of those teams would have gotten the help they needed…
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Nelson Agholor – 1 REC, 5 YDS. Oh look, a Nelson Agholor cameo!
Sam Bradford – 36/52, 336 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT. Chip might be the most innovative of innovators of innovations, but all the eggs in his basket are named Sam Bradford. And the eggs are scrambled. But hey, they got one game out of him, that’s a start I guess?
Teddy Bridgewater – 23/32, 231 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 16 YDS. Dude went all Kirk Cousins on us… aren’t we roughly a decade past using the phrase “Norv Turner Offense” in a positive light?
Zack Ertz – 3 REC, 46 YDS. What happened to the Eagles fan that got kicked in the balls? His Zack Ertz. HAHA, sorry…
Carlos Hyde – 26 CAR, 168 YDS, 2 TD and 2 REC, 14 YDS. I think Hyde’s performace would have been more impressive (including his briliant spin move shown above) if I wasn’t so distracted from whatever you call the 49ers wardrobe choice. Granted, I’m happy to see the NFL giving vision-impaired people a shot at uniform design.
Julio Jones – 9 REC, 141 YDS, 2 TD. THIS GUY JULIO, I CALL HIM DDT, BECAUSE HE KILLED THE EAGLES! What, you don’t like my Gruden themed ornithologist jokes? Too bad… for you.
Ryan Mathews – 3 CAR, 4 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 24 YDS. Ryan Mathews: First Round Pick.
DeMarco Murray – 8 CAR, 9 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 11 YDS, 1 TD. Well, to be fair, he had like 100-yards rushing, he just kept running the wrong way. So yeah, he ended the game with 20-total yards and two touchdowns on 12 touches. I guess we’ll call that Chip Kelly efficiency?
Adrian Peterson – 10 CAR, 31 YDS and 3 REC, 21 YDS. Alright… carrying the entire 49ers defense on that run was pretty damn impressive. Like savagely beating a defenseless child impressive…
Darren Sproles – 5 CAR, 50 YDS, 7 REC, 76 YDS. So, who else left Sproles on their bench? Let’s get a tally going. All of us? Okay. All of us… Now, remember, last year in Week 1 against the Jags, he had 11 CAR, 71 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 14 YDS. Then he essentially was kidnapped to never be heard from again. Let’s keep calm here and not overreact.
Mike Wallace – 6 REC, 63 YDS. The most Mike Wallace game ever.
Final Thought
To celebrate last night’s win, Arthur Blank tied a damsel to a train track.
