Technically it’s Sunday Night Football on Thursday, but since that makes no sense whatsoever, I’m just going to call it what it is, and that’s Thursday Night Football (TNF). And since the Steelers are going against the Patriots, you could also probably call this stigmata as well. In a match-up I would call a “rambunctious” recreating of everything wrong with Afghanistan, the season opener begins on the laurels of a guy who is likely to force himself on your mom. And Ben Roethlisberger. I do want to mention that this game should have featured two former teammates going against each other in Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, but both are missing time due to suspensions from marijuana-related offenses, so that idea kinda went up in smoke. A shame, as it was such a budding relationship too… Instead, we’ll once again have to deal with two quarterbacks we all love to hate, one with deflated balls and asterisks galore, and the other with a HARF HARF HARF take on life. And on sexual assault.
You can find Week 1 Rankings here.
By the Numbers
578 – Times Big Ben has been concussed.
578 – Times New England fans make me feel concussed.
4 – Number of Patriots Super Bowl Wins.
6 – Number of Steelers Super Bowl Wins.
10 – Number of Super Bowls I don’t give a sh*t about.
Take one sip of beer if…
Bill Belichick causes you to experience an emotion.
Cris Collinsworth says something about a lineman that makes you think he wants to go down on him. (Take two sips if he manages to mention Vince Wilfork even though he’s not on the team anymore.)
Roethlisberger pump fakes the defense.
During every shameless plug for NBC’s sh*tty shows. (Take two sips if it’s for that stupid Heroes: Reborn nonsense.)
Take one shot of liquor if…
Bob Costas does or says something smarmy. Or just looks it.
Tom Brady acts like a total b*tch when someone touches him.
Roethlisberger pump fakes the defense and then fumbles the ball because he pumped too much.
Finish all the alchohal in your house if…
Bob Costas is wearing a sweater vest.
Totally Legitmate Game Prediction
Steelers – 2 (Times hit by a meteor.)
Patriots – 3 (Times hit by a volcanic eruption.)