Bradyface

Technically it’s Sunday Night Football on Thursday, but since that makes no sense whatsoever, I’m just going to call it what it is, and that’s Thursday Night Football (TNF). And since the Steelers are going against the Patriots, you could also probably call this stigmata as well. In a match-up I would call a “rambunctious” recreating of everything wrong with Afghanistan, the season opener begins on the laurels of a guy who is likely to force himself on your mom. And Ben Roethlisberger. I do want to mention that this game should have featured two former teammates going against each other in Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, but both are missing time due to suspensions from marijuana-related offenses, so that idea kinda went up in smoke. A shame, as it was such a budding relationship too… Instead, we’ll once again have to deal with two quarterbacks we all love to hate, one with deflated balls and asterisks galore, and the other with a HARF HARF HARF take on life. And on sexual assault.

You can find Week 1 Rankings here.

By the Numbers

benclap

578 – Times Big Ben has been concussed.

578 – Times New England fans make me feel concussed.

4 – Number of Patriots Super Bowl Wins.

6 – Number of Steelers Super Bowl Wins.

10 – Number of Super Bowls I don’t give a sh*t about.

 

Drinking Game

sad-tom-brady

Take one sip of beer if…

Bill Belichick causes you to experience an emotion.

Cris Collinsworth says something about a lineman that makes you think he wants to go down on him. (Take two sips if he manages to mention Vince Wilfork even though he’s not on the team anymore.)

Roethlisberger pump fakes the defense.

During every shameless plug for NBC’s sh*tty shows. (Take two sips if it’s for that stupid Heroes: Reborn nonsense.)

Danny Amendola or Rob Gronkowski gets injured.

Take one shot of liquor if…

Bob Costas does or says something smarmy. Or just looks it.

Tom Brady acts like a total b*tch when someone touches him.

Roethlisberger pump fakes the defense and then fumbles the ball because he pumped too much.

Finish all the alchohal in your house if…

Bob Costas is wearing a sweater vest.

Danny Amendola AND Rob Gronkowski gets injured.

 

Totally Legitmate Game Prediction

U5yMz9q

Steelers – 2 (Times hit by a meteor.)

Patriots – 3 (Times hit by a volcanic eruption.)

 

 

  1. Allan says:
    (link)

    Jay got two tough qb decisions. In one league it’s between Roethlisberger and Bradford. In the other Luck or Brady?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Allan: Big Ben and Luck there.

      • RotoLance

        RotoLance says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Obviously a close call between Brady and Luck because you ranked Brady higher. :P

        The Patriots only active RBs are pass catching RBs James White, Dion Lewis, and Brandon Bolden… Going to be some scores through the air tonight. I’ll be very surprised if it’s less than 2.

        • RotoLance

          RotoLance says:
          (link)

          @RotoLance: *Less than 2 for the Patriots I meant. I’ll actually be pretty surprised if it’s less than 4 passing scores for both teams combined.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @RotoLance: Oh, I assumed it was all season long. If not, yeah, he should go with my rankings.

          • RotoLance

            RotoLance says:
            (link)

            @Jay: Yeah I don’t know. You may have made the correct assumption.

    • RotoLance

      RotoLance says:
      (link)

      @Allan: FYI, Jay does Rankings every Thursday.

      • RotoLance

        RotoLance says:
        (link)

        @RotoLance: *AHEM* Weekly rankings I meant to say. Taking the opponent and other considerations into account.

        • goodfold2 says:
          (link)

          @RotoLance: you’ll be having to add this comment many many times a week if you’re trying to be this thorough. But you seem to be a good man, and thorough.

  2. Jerry says:
    (link)

    Hey, Jay! Would you drop Fred Jax for James Jones? I’d like to have another backup wr on my bench. My bench includes: Royal, Woodhead, Ivory, Gates, Steve Smith, and David Johnson. Thanks for the help!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Jerry: Yeah, I think that’s fine.

  3. Clos says:
    (link)

    Jay what’s going on? Do you think I should start palmer over Bridgewater? Colston or Mike Wallace over Melvin Gordon in the flex?
    QB Bridgewater
    RB Alfred Morris
    RB Latavius Murray
    WR Antonio Brown
    WR Dez Bryant
    TE Greg Olsen
    W/R Melvin Gordon

    What do you think?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Clos: Stick with Gordon, and Palmer this week.

  4. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
    (link)

    I make you feel concussed

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @Jay: He’s trying to figure out why we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Ralph Lifshitz: Ralph, whats it like knowing your cheating Patriots are about to be blown out on their home field, without 3/5 best Steelers players?

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @Tehol Beddict: what is like to know the 2014 Super Bowl Champions banner is hanging where it belongs?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
          (link)

          @Ralph Lifshitz: being a patriots fan must be a lot like being married to child rapist. sick POS

          • Ralph Lifshitz

            Ralph Lifshitz says:
            (link)

            @Tehol Beddict: Believing the NFL bullshit must be a lot like cheering for a totalitarian government.

  5. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
    (link)

    What’s taking so long is the NFL filing an injunction on the banner raising? Let’s go we got more championships to win.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Ralph Lifshitz: Please. They’ve been fellating the Patriots nonstop, I think we’ve reached peak blow here.

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Its weird I’m not used to people fellating the Pats.

          • Ralph Lifshitz

            Ralph Lifshitz says:
            (link)

            @Jay: Come on Jay you guys act like this hasn’t been 6 months of non-stop Patriot hating.

            • Jay

              Jay says:
              (link)

              @Ralph Lifshitz: Can’t tell if you’re being serious.

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
                (link)

                @Jay: Drunk and serious. I pretty much hit my threshold with the Costas thing

                • Jay

                  Jay says:
                  (link)

                  @Ralph Lifshitz: You realize that deflategate was handled so badly that it made the Patriots the good guys here, right?

                  • Ralph Lifshitz

                    Ralph Lifshitz says:
                    (link)

                    @Jay: We win nothing frim thi, losing Brady just means we loseless.

                    • Ralph Lifshitz

                      Ralph Lifshitz says:
                      (link)

                      @Ralph Lifshitz: Everytimg this team has achieved has an asterisk

                    • goodfold2 says:
                      (link)

                      @Ralph Lifshitz: which way do you want it, having the smartest coach who shoves every edge and wins quite a bit but the whole world considers them cheaters or being enough of a mark like most of the franchises such that you can’t even give fake signs (and other “cheating” stuff) to combat the taping and not win as much? Each and every other franchise would’ve done that stuff if they were good enough at it. Can’t have it both ways though, respectable franchise or cheating winners. I’m not talking about air in ball nonsense either, as the NFL is stupid enough to allow teams to mess with that. If they wanted objectivity in this teams wouldn’t be allowed to touch any balls pregame conditions anyway. Also, anybody dumb enough to think the refs don’t notice ball differences (they touch the ball before every play) is brain damaged; and clearly the refs didn’t care or were told not to.

  6. Zeus says:
    (link)

    So my great success this year in daily baseball has led me to try my hand at football. I won two tickets for the weekend millionaire draft kings main event but decided to do a $3 all week thing.

    About to watch my first regular season football game in 3 years. Hoping angry bellichek runs up the score here.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      You can bet on it if he has the opportunity.

  7. Zeus says:
    (link)

    Carmina Burona nice

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Zeus: Epic circle jerk.

  8. Jerry says:
    (link)

    Thanks, Jay! What about Tyler Lockett? He’s also available on the wire. Would he be a nice stash or just play it safe by picking up James Jones?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Jerry: Meh, same thing for me at this point. Maybe Jones…

      • Jerry says:
        (link)

        Ok, thanks!

  9. Tehol Beddict says:
    (link)

    this is disgusting pre game

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Tehol Beddict: Epic. Say what you will. No Macklemore is a win for everyone

  10. Cosart Sucks says:
    (link)

    standard league. this roster, add which over r.bush? start 3 RB and 2 flex that could be TE. also 3 WR. roster maximums is why i have 2 kickers, 3 QB’s. keep 5-6 for next year is why i have nelson.
    rivers
    mccoy/ingram/hyde
    julio/allen/a.robinson
    TE olsen
    Flex: royal/sankey
    BN, bush,taylor (qb), dalton, knile davis, cruz, cameron
    IR gates/nelson
    K franks/lambo
    Drop Bush for Sims/k.robinson (handcuff value)/b.brown (handcuff)/ the dude named after a car that was named after a girl (c.michael)/starks/j.robinson/j.allen?

    2. different standard league. got palmer to drop probably but can’t add anybody till after week 1’s games end. start 2 RB, 1 RB or receiver, and 2 receiver spots. TE count same as WR.
    eli
    RB crowell/jennings
    flex Gronk
    WR/TE allen/cooks
    K walsh
    BN L.Bell/Bush/Spiller/Royal/T.Williams/Cruz/Palmer
    Drop Palmer or both Palmer and Bush for any of C.Michael/D.Williams (can’t believe this guy looks decent)/white/bolden/d.lewis/the robinsons (NO and IND)?

    good god that a.brown catch!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      How was that not pass interference anyhow?

      I’m okay with Bush for Michael, but I’m probably holding. Maybe Palmer for White on that second team.

      • Cosart Sucks says:
        (link)

        @Jay: yr right on the pass interference i’ll take the 15 yds and catch though. he was pass interfered on again later for big gain too.

  11. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
    (link)

    Tehol used the public flashlight at Burning Man!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Ralph Lifshitz: I wish i knew what that was but it made me laugh

      • Chicken Dinner says:
        (link)

        @Tehol Beddict: fleshlight?

  12. Cosart Sucks says:
    (link)

    novak might have a job here by next week in 3 river town, and should. scobee’s been shit for years.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Cosart Sucks: He’s getting cut at the half, right?

  13. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
    (link)

    Jay so what are you thinking? 2015 Super Bowl champs? AmIrite?

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @Jay: Or the most electrifying man in Fantasy Sports writing…

  14. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
    (link)

    Jay when you wrote Markus Wheaton did you mean Darius Heyward Bey?

      • I got $100 for groceries, $1400 for liquor, and $6,000 for you to bail a couple of shit puppets out of jail says:
        (link)

        @Jay: for being useful in any way, he did almost catch that one ball. i gotta truck wheaton out there in 20 team league with return yds being worth a lot.

          • I got $100 for groceries, $1400 for liquor, and $6,000 for you to bail a couple of shit puppets out of jail says:
            (link)

            @Jay: he’s looked pretty good since, just lack of targets was troubling. and why is he not doing KR, he’s supposed to be, but i’m guessing since he’s needed as WR #2 till bryant is back, damn yahoo and ourlads had him as KR like 2 days ago. I drafted him in return yard leagues no small part of it due to those 500ish expected KR yds. In that 20 teamer i simply needed a WR, and it wasn’t due to KR. I also have Aiken and Wilson in that one. The 20 teamer actually doesn’t have KR yds as pts.

  15. Scott says:
    (link)

    ah, I sure have missed these articles

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Scott: Haha, thanks! I love hosting them, to be honest.

  16. Tehol Beddict says:
    (link)

    I HATE THE PATRIOTS. IM SCREAMING IT

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Tehol Beddict: We did pick them to win though… fate my friend. Inescapable.

  17. Nick says:
    (link)

    Hey, what is a Patriots fans favorite website??? …Ashley Madison!!!

    On to more important things…Would you consider a preemptive waiver on Lockett with Andre Williams or Sankey as drops in a 10 team standard league ?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Nick: ZIIIIIIING.

      Hmm, in a 10 team league? Probably none, but Sankey is the most useful I think.

      • Nick says:
        (link)

        @Jay: yea I thought it might be stretching it in 10 team , just have to wait & see how the week plays out, have to wait til Tuesday due to FAAB waivers anyways

    • Nick says:
      (link)

      @Nick: or Lewis…but I just hate the Pats, dunno if I can do it…although if it’s going to win me $$ I suppose I might, haha

      • Jay

        Jay says:
        (link)

        @Nick: Yeah, Lewis might be too. Just so many players out there in 10-teams.

  18. Frank White says:
    (link)

    Hey Jay what’s up!! Who would you start at flex this Sunday, Alfred Blue, Marques Colston or Mike Wallace?? PPR.. I

    • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
      (link)

      @Frank White: it’s wallace over colston by like 5 spots.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Frank White: In PPR, I’m leaning Wallace here.

  19. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
    (link)

    do we seriously only have me facing off vs Tehol and you Jaywrong! WTF! even if i make some complimentary assumption of youse guys being twice as good as me (spuriosity be my tenement, er ah, housing project) that makes me only a 5-1 dog to win another shirt! Can’t decide on something to do between masturbation sessions, platooning is a full time job, or sparky anklebiter. Hope i have to make this hard decision in just 17 weeks (unless it takes all of the playoffs to win the shirt)

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: We’ll probably recruit players throughout the season and give them the average pick’em score for the past games. Probably the fine print syndrome caused this…

  20. goodfold2 says:
    (link)

    you should point out that both of those guys were suspended for both getting caught hanging out in the same car, and stupid enough such that bell said “i didn’t even know having this was illegal”, and even more stupid to not just pay the girl to take the charge, as they had millions to lose and she likely doesn’t.

    • goodfold2 says:
      (link)

      @goodfold2: they were with a lone girl in said car during arrest.

      • Jay

        Jay says:
        (link)

        @goodfold2: let’s just be thankful they didn’t punch her.

Comments are closed.