So yeah, it seemed so long ago that we christened our relationship at the beginning of the football season, talking about Romoception’s and getting Olgetree’d. Those were the days, were they not? While I did lay down a schedule for my readership that did not come to fruition– covering the MNF and TNF games, I soon realized that I had no readership to speak of, so I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am or why you would care. Well that’s okay, because the Jack attack is back baby, and I’m your replacement referee of football razzball magic for TNF and Sunday’s slate of games this week as Sky flirts with alcohol poisoning for some kind of Oktoberfest shin-dig of which I was not invited to. But that’s okay, I’m already drunk in the comfort of my own home. Who needs to go out to drink? And who needs company? Or October spelled with a ‘k’ by ze German’s? I’m totally happy sitting here alone with Jack Daniels and my manga dakimakura pillow, with plenty of tissues to hold my sticky tears of loneliness. And guess what? If you really miss Sky and are dry-heaving from abandonment, just fart two times and caress your left ear lobe, he’ll instantly appear by your side. But have no fear, because I too can create an overwhelming physical reaction that causes goosebumps to form on and around your nipples. Yes, that’s right, I am the man for your areola(s). Okay, on to whatever this is.
ARI – 3, STL – 17
Tonight’s TNF football extravaganza featured two teams from the NFC West, a division recently upgraded this season from laughing stock to surprisingly pretty darn good status based on wins-losses. The undefeated Arizona Cardinals (please tell me how they’ve derped their way to 4-0) took on the ‘dangerously close but not quite there’ to being relevant St. Louis Rams. The pre-game interview by Kurt Warner went to current MVP leader (c’mon buddy… really?) Kevin Kolb. Though the TV was on mute, I do have some skill reading lips and surmised that Warner asked such pointed questions as “Doesn’t it blow that the team wishes you were me?” or “Do you think we should combine forces and punch Cee-Lo?” or “Do you like my Dave Navarro faux-hawk?” I would have deciphered more, but Warner became immediately concussed via Gregg Williams. KFC and Dieon? Mind blown. And by the way, is it just me or is Ticket Oak played by Stu Scott? Just a thought. In closing, all I can say is that Shakespeare foretold of this game; Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury– Signifying nothing. Yes, Shakespeare biznitches. Er, what?
Sam Bradford – Along with Kolb, Bradford put up a competent first quarter (4-6/71/1-0), which actually lasted less than a real-life 15 minutes. 4 hours later at the half, no one even remembered the short breath that was the beginning of the game due to the 2nd quarter and 3rd quarter turning into a puntkakke video. The Rams even began piping in crowd displeasure through the speakers. Interesting note; did you know that the Ram’s horns are the exact trajectory at which Bradford throw’s the football? The more you know. He finished the game 7-21/141/2-1, which isn’t quite good. The two TD’s are nice, as two TD’s always are, but I would rate him like I do black jelly beans. I’ll eat them, but only as a last resort to starvation.
Kevin Kolb – Kolbjob, opposite the St. Louis Steamer (thank goodness Cleveland didn’t play), opened the Card’s first drive with a promising 17-play march down the field. Sadly, Doucet whiffed on a catch in the red-zone while Larry Fitzgerald was wide-open on a double-move on the other side of the field. Yeah, no need to see what he’s up to. Silly idea! 10-minute drives that end in field goals; invented by the Jaguars, perfected by the Cardinals. But yeah, went all down hill from there with a bunch of homeless guys masquerading as NFL linemen. Finished the game with a slash of 28-50/289/0-0. KolbBOOM! goes the MVP talk. Not really his fault though, as he might wake up in the morning with a fractured everything.
Steven Jackson – Got his first 10+yard rush about 3 minutes into the 2nd quarter. Sometimes I wonder what else there would be to do in St. Louis if Steven Jackson never existed. I guess there’s crappy beer and elitist baseball. Perusing demographics, homicide seems pretty popular too. But alas, it appears that Jackson won’t be there after this season, as the last year of his contract was voided. Stated during the game to be a courtesy by ownership, I guess nothing says I love you like “…please, GTFO quicker bro! But yeah, gimmie your jersey though! We’re twins and I need to feel and smell your sweat!” Yeah, I tied in two things. Deal. Jackson went 18/76/0 which represents tonight’s theme– meh.
Ryan Williams – Sorry, I don’t really remember much from a guy that provided a 2.4 AVG and a 14/33/0, which is not zesty. But yes, I still have to highlight his offense, seeing as he was the leading rusher for Zona… if you can believe that. Please, just stop giving him the ball. There is only so much negative 1-yard draw plays I can take before I punch myself in the left temple. Where in the world is Wells with his Beanitis?
Danny Amendola – Led off the game with an amazing one handed catch from a play-action 44-yard ‘accurate’ (mind you, under-thrown without Maylock goggles) deep-pass from Bradford. A Schottenheimer offense with bombs? Unpossible! Left the game midway in the 2nd quarter with a
shoulder injury broken clavicle on a missed catch. Its prolly major due to the EX-treme helmet throwing, but he did hang-out long enough on the sidelines to watch the review of his catch overturned. I guess that only confirms the injury is not life-threatening… maybe. Went 1/44/0 and will now be occupying your bench/waiver wire/IR soon.
Larry Fitzgerald – Even though Arizona’s receivers were trying a new strategy of horizontal catch-and-run to nowhere, which, you know, seemed to work amazingly, Fitz still was able to put up some numbers. 8/92/0. Trust me, its good based on context of the environment.
Chris Givens – The 51-yard catch and score 4 minutes into the 4th quarter was even more impressive for the mere fact it was the first interesting thing that happened in the excruciating mid-section of this game that I’ll go ahead and nickname: ef-em-el. 1/51/1. He lead the team in reception yards… and only caught one pass… word?
Rob Housler – The TE was the leading receiver for the Cardinals at the half with a simpleton 3/45/0 slash, which should tell you everything about this game. Also leading at the half for saying ‘face-rape’ is Rich Eisen. Although, I think I just heard Ben Roethlisberger yell ‘MOAR face-rape!” and then orgasm. But hey, Eisen could have said ‘face-rake.’ Totally man. Totally. BTW, I definitely believe that Shaq drives a Buick. Sure he does. But I non-sarcastically do believe Peyton likes the Buick, because of it’s forehead room. Wonderful commercial’s he does for all these companies, all 89,000 of them.
Greg Zuerlein – Legatron is 5/5 in 50+ kicks so far and has 2 FGs from 56+ in one game. He is now 12/12 on the season as well. I mean honestly, STL should just kick a field goal as soon as they cross midfield.
ARI DEF – Quintin Mikell got knocked out and did his best impersonation of a dead guy for about 2 minutes. But give credit where credit is due. When asked how many fingers the trainer was holding up, he answered ‘Thursday’. Remember, it was technically Thursday, so… all good here! Now, remember, earlier in the year, Zona held the Eagles to zero touchdown’s. They now have only allowed a total of 7 TD’s all season with the 18 points allowed to the Patriots as a cherry on top. So am I still using them? I guess, but I still feel like its a match-up thing. We are talking about two very offensive inept teams today, so use caution.
STL DEF – Did you know that James Laurinites calls his snap-stance the ‘sex panther’? 60% of the time… it works every time. Oh, and Chris Long’s dad thinks your truck has ovaries. At the 11:25 mark in the 4th quarter, Cortland Finnegan, in jest, caught a penalty flag in mid-air, instantly making him the official top receiver for the Rams. If you owned STL, you got 67 tackles, 9 sacks, and 0 TD’s. All in all, I liked the constant pressure, but really, there isn’t really any concrete thoughts I would have in a game like this where they dominated a Card’s line that wanted to pay homage to Mike Martz.
So, in conclusion, how was Arizona ever 4-0? I asked that earlier as a rhetorical reference meant as humor, but I do want to go over this. Its plainly obvious that Arizona has a high-powered offense, led by a top-notch quarterback and an elite cadre of running backs. Haha. No, not at all. There was a dropped touchdown pass by Seahawks with under 30 seconds of regulation in week 1. A missed FG by the Pats to win the game in week 2. Typical Eagles in week 3. And then they played the Dolphins in week 4. So yeah, regression has happened and might continue.
Anyhow, I can’t wait to watch the rewind of this game; said no one ever. Peace until Sunday.