So this is it folks, the official beginning of the foos-ball season. During this 17 week period of glory, grit, and players struggling to say their own names during the offense and defense line-up presentations because the lack of a 4th grade reading level in the sport, I will be bringing you recaps of both the Monday Night and Thursday Night Football game’s. (Which will now forever be known as MNF and TNF, respectfully. Or, you know, disrespectfully, depending on your feelings for diction and brevity.) And I’m happy to hold your hand and take this journey with you. Unless you’re a dude. Or if you smell. Or if you’re ugly. Actually, maybe I should have just said hold my hand if you are a hot chick that smells of lavender and pomegranate. And if that’s the case, then don’t hold my hand, hold something else. My heart? Awe, isn’t that cute? I actually meant the hand inside my pants. Lawsuits aside, we are here, together for 17 weeks, so let us convene the first meeting and be joyous. Football is here!
DAL – 24, NYG – 17
Well, the concluding thoughts are; I sure am glad I missed football so much,  or this would have been a stinker to sit through. Although, I won’t lie, I did find time to channel-switch and watch Sandra Fluke try and teach the GOP the mysteries of what an uterus does. Also, I think Wendy’s realized that using the real red-headed fat chick named Wendy was a bad marketing strategy. But since the Cowboys were able to hang on, barely, for a win, we’ll have to suffer the next week and half with ESPN annointing them Super Bowl Champs. But don’t worry, the week-13 season ending collapse will come. Baby steps. I also enjoyed watching Jason Garrett employ his elitist coaching bravado by play-calling a 2-yard swing pass on a 3rd-and-15 and a fullback dive up the middle on a 4th-and-1. And then doing his best impression of Andy Reid, physically eating the game-clock late in the 4th quarter. Genius! And I’m glad that in between the 3rd and 4th quarter, someone decided to teach the replacement Ref’s what holding was.
Tony Romo – The pick-6 in the 2nd quarter looked like a vintage Romoception, throwing and then immediately regretting his decision. Yes Tony, see that linebacker in front of you? No, not my front, your front. He’s where you’re aiming, yeah, you see Michael Boley looking at you? You see him? He’s also wearing a Giants uniform to inform you that he is, in fact, not one of your receivers. Still nothing? Nevermind. Granted, the Dallas OL was getting pushed around all over the place, and that clearly affected Romo’s effectiveness. But I tend not to cut slack for people who dated Jessica Simpson, so there. However, the end of the half stats weren’t bad, 11-15/138/1-1, padded by a nice 38 yard pass to Dez Bryant, later setting up a TD pass before the half. Any-hizzle, after Ogletree went beserker, Romo finished the night going 22-29/307/3-1. But don’t worry, Pimp My Ride heard you like Tony Romo, so they took the clutch out of your car.
Eli Manning – He spent most of the first half sitting on the bench. Peyton had more screen time to be honest, I mean, is that him with Dieon and fairy wings? Peter King just died of an orgasm. After the first half, Eli led a 9-play, 89-yard drive after the half with a 39-yard pass to Domenik Hixon, a good effort indeed. Speaking of a good effort, did you catch Sears paying an Abercrombie and Fitch couple to self-concussed themselves by playing leap frog with a refrigerator? Gun manufacturers might want to think along the same strategy. While Manning was stable  for pretty much the rest of the night, he still only managed a 21-32/213/1-0. Archie beats with a closed fist unless his seed throw’s 250 yards with 2 TD’s.
Kevin Ogletree – Watch out, the growing Kevin Ogletree waiver wire rush has trampled thousands of fantasy players to death in the last 12 hours and mass graves are being dug in suburbs all across America as you read this. He had a career game (8/114/2) and was consistent for 10-yard gains and first downs all night long. He also burned Cory Webster for a 40-yard TD and sealed the game in the final minutes with a juicy 15-yard catch. Yes, there was lots of juice. You pick the fruit. I’ll bring the sugar. I don’t know what else to say, I think we’re dating now.
DeMarco Murray – Had a good night going 20/131/0, but no TD’s means no lactation. Yeah, there’s really no follow-up to that.
Ahmad Bradshaw – I think Tom Coughlin is looking at the NFL team rushing totals upside down, because he seems to believe that running the ball is something the Giants do well. In the first 40 or minutes of the game, Bradshaw had trouble running, instead wanting to run north/south, up/down, basically not forward. But sometimes he got bored and decided to dry hump a couple of his own lineman before collapsing or being tackled. I guess all that pelvic gyration seemed to loosen things up. Either that or the spandex friction was causing some unwanted irritation, and he started to want to fire off some long gains. He finished the night with 17/78/1 with a long of 33.
Martellus Bennett – Since Cruz had a busy off-season apparently forgetting that his job is to catch a ball, Marty B will be the only Giants receiver listed here, catching Manning’s only touchdown pass. 4/40/1 with a long of 12.
Jason Witten – Listed as doubtful with spleen issues, Witten was actually able to start. I hope you didn’t get that news until it was too late, as he had no real effect in the first two quarters, and whiffed a short yardage catch in the third. I think a healthy spleen would have been able to catch that. By the way, what’s up with the NFL fantasy football commercials? They have a Zach Galifianakis clone in a blue suit, just more drunk and less funny whilst pushing weird lines with a creepy grin. Kinda like my uncle acts toward me, but less facial hair and more crotch grabbing. Witten was able to stuff Boley to try and keep the clock running on a Murray run towards the final minutes, but you don’t get points for that, so who cares.
David Wilson – Not a good start in the 1st quarter with a fumble, and then immediately was yanked for the rest of the game. Cris Collinsworth might have called it rookie jitters, but by the time he got to the second syllable, his voice had already triggered nap-time.
DAL DEFÂ – Essentially, you just own DeMarcus Ware.
NYG DEF – The secondary was a friggin’ joke. #Olgetree’d
I’ll see y’all for the MNF notes where we get a double-header of CIN@BAL and SD@OAK. And believe it or not, Monday Night Football will be played on, wait for it… Monday! What is this tomfoolery before me?
