So this is it folks, the official beginning of the foos-ball season. During this 17 week period of glory, grit, and players struggling to say their own names during the offense and defense line-up presentations because the lack of a 4th grade reading level in the sport, I will be bringing you recaps of both the Monday Night and Thursday Night Football game’s. (Which will now forever be known as MNF and TNF, respectfully. Or, you know, disrespectfully, depending on your feelings for diction and brevity.) And I’m happy to hold your hand and take this journey with you. Unless you’re a dude. Or if you smell. Or if you’re ugly. Actually, maybe I should have just said hold my hand if you are a hot chick that smells of lavender and pomegranate. And if that’s the case, then don’t hold my hand, hold something else. My heart? Awe, isn’t that cute? I actually meant the hand inside my pants. Lawsuits aside, we are here, together for 17 weeks, so let us convene the first meeting and be joyous. Football is here!

DAL – 24, NYG – 17

Well, the concluding thoughts are; I sure am glad I missed football so much,  or this would have been a stinker to sit through. Although, I won’t lie, I did find time to channel-switch and watch Sandra Fluke try and teach the GOP the mysteries of what an uterus does. Also, I think Wendy’s realized that using the real red-headed fat chick named Wendy was a bad marketing strategy. But since the Cowboys were able to hang on, barely, for a win, we’ll have to suffer the next week and half with ESPN annointing them Super Bowl Champs. But don’t worry, the week-13 season ending collapse will come. Baby steps. I also enjoyed watching Jason Garrett employ his elitist coaching bravado by play-calling a 2-yard swing pass on a 3rd-and-15 and a fullback dive up the middle on a 4th-and-1. And then doing his best impression of Andy Reid, physically eating the game-clock late in the 4th quarter. Genius! And I’m glad that in between the 3rd and 4th quarter, someone decided to teach the replacement Ref’s what holding was.

Tony Romo – The pick-6 in the 2nd quarter looked like a vintage Romoception, throwing and then immediately regretting his decision. Yes Tony, see that linebacker in front of you? No, not my front, your front. He’s where you’re aiming, yeah, you see Michael Boley looking at you? You see him? He’s also wearing a Giants uniform to inform you that he is, in fact, not one of your receivers. Still nothing? Nevermind. Granted, the Dallas OL was getting pushed around all over the place, and that clearly affected Romo’s effectiveness. But I tend not to cut slack for people who dated Jessica Simpson, so there. However, the end of the half stats weren’t bad, 11-15/138/1-1, padded by a nice 38 yard pass to Dez Bryant, later setting up a TD pass before the half. Any-hizzle, after Ogletree went beserker, Romo finished the night going 22-29/307/3-1. But don’t worry, Pimp My Ride heard you like Tony Romo, so they took the clutch out of your car.

Eli Manning – He spent most of the first half sitting on the bench. Peyton had more screen time to be honest, I mean, is that him with Dieon and fairy wings? Peter King just died of an orgasm. After the first half, Eli led a 9-play, 89-yard drive after the half with a 39-yard pass to Domenik Hixon, a good effort indeed. Speaking of a good effort, did you catch Sears paying an Abercrombie and Fitch couple to self-concussed themselves by playing leap frog with a refrigerator? Gun manufacturers might want to think along the same strategy. While Manning was stable  for pretty much the rest of the night, he still only managed a 21-32/213/1-0. Archie beats with a closed fist unless his seed throw’s 250 yards with 2 TD’s.

Kevin Ogletree – Watch out, the growing Kevin Ogletree waiver wire rush has trampled thousands of fantasy players to death in the last 12 hours and mass graves are being dug in suburbs all across America as you read this. He had a career game (8/114/2) and was consistent for 10-yard gains and first downs all night long. He also burned Cory Webster for a 40-yard TD and sealed the game in the final minutes with a juicy 15-yard catch. Yes, there was lots of juice. You pick the fruit. I’ll bring the sugar. I don’t know what else to say, I think we’re dating now.

DeMarco Murray – Had a good night going 20/131/0, but no TD’s means no lactation. Yeah, there’s really no follow-up to that.

Ahmad Bradshaw – I think Tom Coughlin is looking at the NFL team rushing totals upside down, because he seems to believe that running the ball is something the Giants do well. In the first 40 or minutes of the game, Bradshaw had trouble running, instead wanting to run north/south, up/down, basically not forward. But sometimes he got bored and decided to dry hump a couple of his own lineman before collapsing or being tackled. I guess all that pelvic gyration seemed to loosen things up. Either that or the spandex friction was causing some unwanted irritation, and he started to want to fire off some long gains. He finished the night with 17/78/1 with a long of 33.

Martellus Bennett – Since Cruz had a busy off-season apparently forgetting that his job is to catch a ball, Marty B will be the only Giants receiver listed here, catching Manning’s only touchdown pass. 4/40/1 with a long of 12.

Jason Witten – Listed as doubtful with spleen issues, Witten was actually able to start. I hope you didn’t get that news until it was too late, as he had no real effect in the first two quarters, and whiffed a short yardage catch in the third. I think a healthy spleen would have been able to catch that. By the way, what’s up with the NFL fantasy football commercials? They have a Zach Galifianakis clone in a blue suit, just more drunk and less funny whilst pushing weird lines with a creepy grin. Kinda like my uncle acts toward me, but less facial hair and more crotch grabbing. Witten was able to stuff Boley to try and keep the clock running on a Murray run towards the final minutes, but you don’t get points for that, so who cares.

David Wilson – Not a good start in the 1st quarter with a fumble, and then immediately was yanked for the rest of the game. Cris Collinsworth might have called it rookie jitters, but by the time he got to the second syllable, his voice had already triggered nap-time.

DAL DEF – Essentially, you just own DeMarcus Ware.

NYG DEF – The secondary was a friggin’ joke. #Olgetree’d

I’ll see y’all for the MNF notes where we get a double-header of CIN@BAL and [email protected] And believe it or not, Monday Night Football will be played on, wait for it… Monday! What is this tomfoolery before me?

  1. J Money says:
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    First year playing Fantasy Football.
    Should I start Michael Bush or Toby Gerhart in my Flex position this week?

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @J Money, I’m leaning towards Gerhart.

  2. Rags says:
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    Yeah. Why is wendy’s running two campaigns, one with a cute redhead and one with the actual wendy? That’s just confusing.

    Any thoughts on the ref’ing? Collinsworth seemed eager to fluff the league’s decision, but it maybe wasn’t as terrible as I was expecting. Only two or three majorly blown calls that could have resulted in TDs.

    They seem really good at calling offsides though. Have that one down pat.

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Rags, its very confusing to my pelvic region, I’ll tell you that.

      Yeah, the replacement refs… during the pre-season, they had the hardest times with two aspects in my opinion. Contact penalties (Holding, PI specifically) and being definitive.

      Contact penalties are tricky because the OG refs always had issues with those too… so I’m going to cut a little slack. And I’m okay with it taking time to make a call, just make it right.

      That being said, its still a small sample size. I think we’ll see if it was a huge mistake maybe by week 3-4.

  3. EK says:
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    How much would you bid for Boldin?
    12 teams H2H $100 budget.

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @EK, I’d say 2 or 3 bucks.

  4. Colin says:
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    Jay, whom would you start at FLEX this week: Titus Young or Peyton Hillis?

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Colin, I’d go Hillis.

      • Colin says:
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        @jaywrong, Thanks Jay… Any reason why? ATL run defense doesn’t make you shy away? Could be a shootout with STL with DET. I’m worried ATL explosive offense may make KC abandon run

        • Jay

          jaywrong says:
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          @Colin, you raise good points, but I think KC is underrated going into this game. I think they’ll establish the run game early and often, establishing Hillis as a pounder with redzone potential. What I’m saying here, is I’m betting for TDs more than Yds. And in this context, I think he gets the edge over Young

          But yeah, if Matt Ryan and Julio Jones and company light it up quickly, I will look dumb. No doubt.

  5. Colin says:
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    Thanks!

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Colin, never a prob yo.

  6. Charles says:
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    @jaywrong, thanks for all the insight my draft was a huge sucess!!!

    I ended up starting Miles Austin at WR2 because I have an option to go Steve Smith or Marshawn Lynch for week 1 flex and their lingering injuries concern me. If Austin had a big game I was going to go more conservative and start lynch and if he was a bust I was going to start
    smith as more of a high risk high reward play. With all that said do I stick with Lynch at flex due to Austin’s sucess on wednesday even with all the underlying back problems? My other flex otions are: Garcon, Donald Brown, Cedric Benson

    Also what are your thoughts on Miles Austin’s value after week one? He looked very sluggish and I only counted about 10 routes that he actually ran the rest of the time he was in the slot running out routes and romo wasnt even giving him the time of day. Was his decent game a case of right place right time against a terrible Giant’s secondary or is the Miles from a few years ago going to reemerge? Buy or Sell after week 1? Thanks

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Charles, I might actually go wild card here and flirt with Garcon. I have a good feeling about the matchup. You nailed it with Austin, but I think Ogletree tails off a bit next week and if Soften is still affected by the spleen, Austin will be targeted more. But I do see him as an average meh guy, getting Bryants leftovers for the ros.

      • Charles says:
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        @jaywrong,

        Just saw Steve Smith’s 2011 stats agains TB (1 REC 9 yrds) yikes!!!
        So yea Garcon could be a great call lets just hope RGIII doesnt get the rookie jitters haha

        I was hoping that Austin would have the game ogle..whater his name is had  but Im holding Austin for sure, unless I get a great offer for a TE as I have no depth or even a certified starter at the position. Thanks

        • Charles says:
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          @jaywrong

          Still feel good about garçon over Steve smith even with the saints bounty suspensions waived?

          • Jay

            jaywrong says:
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            @Charles, Yeh, gotta stick with my gut… But I did second guess for a few minutes.

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