As we now enter the post-Thanksgiving Football phase (or in Boston, the “post-BAWHSTON WAS RAWHBED FROM UNDEFEATED HISTORY!”), it’s hard to understand how we’re already on the doorsteps of Week 13 and how someone can gain five pounds in one four-day Holiday period. The answer to both is bourbon, but regardless, the point remains: Alcohol! AND, wow, this season has gone by fast. (With a lot of injuries.) That being said, I do want to take this time on your Monday, to thank everyone for being a part of the site. I could have wrote this Thursday, or Friday, or I guess any day up until now, but, well, you know. Alcohol! And while my Chargers are charging (see what I did there?) to a first overall pick in next year’s draft, I guess, in this time of thanks, we should all thank the game of Football. As usual, the wonderful sport continues to provide us reasons to kill our liver, protect women and couches with guns on them, and Will Smith (bonus foreign accent!) movies about concussions. I truly despise this game that I love. An amazing journey we take here if you ask me! Or a masochistic one? Nah… that’s what Fantasy Football is for.
Here’s what else I saw in Week 12’s Sunday Games…
Odell Beckham Jr. – 9 REC, 142 YDS, 1 TD. Yeah, Odell might be good, but Wikipedia still thinks David Beckham is more worthy of search results.
LeGarrette Blount – 9 CAR, 27 YDS. Blount getting rolled up in snow… this game is taking me back… Way, way, back.
Blake Bortles – 30/49, 329 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 33 YDS. Blake Bortles bungles barrier blatantly!
Tom Brady – 23/42, 280 YDS, 3 TD. You are locked in a room with a Patriots fan, Duke fan, and an Alabama fan. What do you do next?
Jordan Cameron – 2 REC, 13 YDS. Did Jordan Cameron die or something?
Kirk Cousins – 20/29, 302 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 1 YDS, 1 TD. THESE NEW YORK GIANTS, I CALL THEM “THE DEEP SOUTH”, BECAUSE THEY LET COUSINS SCORE AND THE RESULTS WERE NOT PRETTY.
Vernon Davis – 2 REC, 10 YDS. Still in the league, still doing nothing.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 22/37, 277 YDS, 4 TD and 5 CAR, 21 YDS. Wooo Fitzmagic! Time for another shot of Irish joy!
Nick Foles – 30/46, 228 YDS, 3 INT and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. So the idea of “Nick Foles: NFL Quarterback” is over at this point, right?
Antonio Gates – 4 REC, 53 YDS, 2 TD. Antonio Gates: Very talented.
Jimmy Graham – 4 REC, 75 YDS. Was carted off the field early in the fourth quarter, coming down awkwardly from a catch attempt. That’s what happens when you keep going for three’s… It could be serious, but we’ll await futher news before joining the rest of the Seahawks fans at the bottom of the cliff. Don’t worry, the bottom has a Starbucks.
Ryan Griffin – 4 REC, 72 YDS, 1 TD. Saints. Man.
Brian Hoyer – 21/27, 205 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, -3 YDS. The Texans are going to do just good enough to justify not drafting a quarterback in 1st round of the 2016 NFL Draft, aren’t they? AREN’T THEY.
Chris Ivory – 21 CAR, 87 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 15 YDS. Ivory? I’m more of a Zest man myself.
Jermaine Kearse – 4 REC, 47 YDS, 2 TD. Kearse the bench he was on…
Eli Manning – 26/51, 321 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT. If Eli’s not careful, he’s liable not to get that new batch of Star Wars action figures Archie promised him for Christmas.
Brandon Marshall – 9 REC, 131 YDS, 2 TD. Brandon Marshall: Above average at football.
LeSean McCoy – 19 CAR, 70 YDS and 3 REC, 31 YDS, 1 TD. Someone’s Eagles-nostalgia-driven fantasy team (you know who you are) of LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson (2 REC, 66 YDS, 1 TD), and Jeremy Maclin (9 REC, 160 YDS, 1 TD) is finally paying off… It only took 12 weeks!
Heath Miller – 5 REC, 45 YDS. Why isn’t Heath Miller made out of toffee? This destroys my belief in marketing.
Lamar Miller – 5 CAR, 2 YDS and 3 REC, 11 YDS. You stupid Dolphins.
Brock Osweiler – 23/42, 270 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 4 YDS. Any showing of competence by the Osweiler-led Broncos would be considered unsettling. Which is exactly the reason why we didn’t see any.
Carson Palmer – 24/40, 271 YDS and 3 CAR, 6 YDS, 1 TD. You could’ve timed Palmer’s scramble for that touchdown (shown above) with a calendar…
Philip Rivers – 29/43, 300 YDS, 4 TD and 5 CAR, 9 YDS. Fret, fret, disaster, drink, fret, repeat. The 2015 Chargers in a nutshell.
Ben Rothlisberger – 36/55, 456 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 18 YDS. Todd Haley haunts the nightmares of good decisions.
C.J. Spiller – 1 CAR, -2 YDS and 2 REC, 8 YDS. Very impressive, Spiller. Very impressive indeed.
Demaryius Thomas – 1 REC, 36 YDS. Was Demaryius not playing? Or was he playing, and it was just hard to tell with Brock Osweiler throwing the football?
Shane Vereen – 2 CAR, 15 YDS and 4 REC, 21 YDS. Vereen, along with the entire Giants running game (Rashad Jennings – 6 CAR, 14 YDS and 2 REC, 14 YDS, Orleans Darkwa – 2 CAR, 2 YDS, and Andre Williams – 2 CAR, 1 YDS) knows truly that winning the NFC East is the equivalent of a participation trophy in the Special Olympics. This is my only rational conclusion, based on the past 12 weeks of data from these players.
Sammy Watkins – 6 REC, 158 YDS, 2 TD. Sammy Watkins is the worst thing in the universe.
Wes Welker – 2 REC, 12 YDS. Wes Welker is on the Rams? Wes Welker is still playing!? Those are direct quotes from Wes Welker.
Markus Wheaton – 9 REC, 201 YDS, 1 TD. Who sat Markus Wheaton yesterday? Everyone? Everyone. Okay, just checking.
Russell Wilson – 21/30, 345 YDS, 5 TD and 4 CAR, 14 YDS. I love Mackelmore… especially baked on a cedar plank and served with rice pilaf.
Final Thought
